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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my mums wedding?

74 replies

Ohwhatadrama · 29/04/2023 17:32

My parents had a horrendous divorce when I was a teenager, around 15 years ago. Both had affairs and it was a very upsetting time. They both tried to commit suicide after finding out about the others affair and both left the family home to live with their partners leaving me as an older sister to raise my younger brothers. I was 16 and siblings were 12/15.

After the divorce, my dad met someone new who we get on with reasonably well but mum stayed with the other man. OM was 10 years younger than DM and never wanted us around or kids of any sort. When we would visit DM he would barely say anything to us, wouldn’t allow pictures of us up in his and DM’s house and had basically zero interest in our existence. If I asked DM why he was so rude she just said he was shy even after 5 years!

This continued for years him not speaking to us then he started to talk to brothers (football chat mainly) but still nothing to me. If I asked him something it would be one word answers or sometimes no answer and he never would engage in conversation back and he would even go audibly groan when we came round to see DM once a month and came in the doorway.

In the end after years of this, I did admittedly have a go at this man. Said that it was rude that he didn’t engage with us, not even a hello or how are you and I’d had enough. He asked me to leave their house and I did. I haven’t spoken to him in 7 years.

I’ve been seeing DM on and off for coffee etc monthly but never with her partner as we essentially both refuse to apologise. DM is distraught a lot and mentions it continually because I don’t see her at Christmas or birthdays anymore.

Now DM and her partner are getting married and she wants me to be there, but she says I have to go round and apologise to her partner first. I’ve told her to stuff it, but everyone I’ve told his saying that IABU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohwhatadrama · 29/04/2023 17:33

I don’t know why it’s come up in such a large font!

OP posts:
Stripycatz · 29/04/2023 17:34

I think this needs a large font! Yanbu at all. 💐

Pinkplasticbathcup · 29/04/2023 17:36

Christ, what a sad story. It must have taken huge strength to bring up both your brothers and then forgive your parents for it all and stay in contact with them!!

I don’t think YABU at all. I think your mother has shit priorities in life and now her chickens are coming home to roost.

Ponderingwindow · 29/04/2023 17:36

Your parents abandoned you and your siblings. I’m amazed you have any relationship with them at all. I don’t think I could attend the wedding of the relationship involved in the abandonment.

WheelsUp · 29/04/2023 17:37

Yanbu
Your mother (and father ) owe you apologies too.
Yanbu to be angry.

Always4Brenner · 29/04/2023 17:39

Don’t you dare go to that wedding he’s treated you like shit for years. What is with toxic parents they expect their kids to do what they want. Hugs.

Original poster
Ohwhatadrama · 29/04/2023 17:40

Thanks. My parents essentially paid the bills and mortgage, both left the house and us in it and sent me money over to buy my siblings and ourself food.

They both didn’t want the house once the other had left and still to this day refuse to be in the same room.

Mine and DM’s relationship is rocky at best as she accepts zero responsibility and just says “oh for goodness sake, you don’t know what abandonment is, I’ve always been there on the end of the phone or a drive away for you”

OP posts:
Lengokengo · 29/04/2023 17:41

Agree with the poster above about chickens coming home to roost.

She doesn’t want to live with the consequences of her actions (poor parenting, terrible judgment, selfishness etc.)

Do not apologise. Do not go to the wedding. I would probably vastly reduce contact with her (and never see him.)

GoodChat · 29/04/2023 17:46

If she said it was water under the bridge and asked you to go and promised he'd be civil, I'd say YWBU, but she wants you to apologise for his rudeness? No chance.

SmallFerret · 29/04/2023 17:46

Tell her that you don't want to attend the wedding of a man who was awful to you as a child.
Then ask her whyTF she reckons you owe HIM an apology?

Sorry OP - your post made me see red.
Your mother put herself, & her twat of a b/f, ahead of you for decades.
She's exactly the sort of simpering dickpanderer who gives women a bad name.
Don't let her guilt-trip you into doing ANYTHING you don't want to.

You would be entirely reasonable to haul her over the coals for her astonishing demand that you say sorry to a man who was a shit to you. And to boycott the wedding, if that wasn't clear from the tone of my post Wink

I'm sorry your mother is gaslighting you like this. Flowers

Highworth · 29/04/2023 17:48

You owe your mother and her boyfriend absolutely nothing.
I am amazed you are willing to spend any time at all with her.

SmallFerret · 29/04/2023 17:48

Stripycatz · 29/04/2023 17:34

I think this needs a large font! Yanbu at all. 💐

😂😂😂well said Catz.

I think it should be printed on an plane banner & flown past OP's mum's house.
With a klaxon, to bring out all the neighbours too.

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/04/2023 17:51

Jeezo. I would not apologise. I would not go to the wedding. She has been a shit parent, as has your dad. I’m sorry op.

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 29/04/2023 17:51

Both your parents not only abandoned you all but stole your childhood and turned you from sibling to parent overnight. Her partner is a disgrace and neither him nor your mother have changed.

It’s time to step away from them and prioritise yourself. I am honestly so sorry you have gone through this.

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/04/2023 17:51

Always4Brenner · 29/04/2023 17:39

Don’t you dare go to that wedding he’s treated you like shit for years. What is with toxic parents they expect their kids to do what they want. Hugs.

THIS. Don't even THINK about it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/04/2023 17:51

Fucking hell, what have I just read? You owe her nothing, your parents let you and your siblings down in the worst way possible, they both owe you a massive apology. I wouldn't go to their wedding either. Your mother is reaping what she has sowed and crying about it. How dare she.

Pandyluna · 29/04/2023 17:52

I admire your strength and standing up for yourself - do not give an inch. She has been awful to you and you owe her nothing. You apologise to HIM?! What entitlement

slowquickstep · 29/04/2023 17:56

Why the bloody hell should you apologise ? As for the wedding, let them get on with it. Even after all these years your mother still won't back you. Hell would freeze over before i bothered my arse with her or the rude child she is marrying.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/04/2023 17:57

I wouldn't be having cosy little coffee meet ups with a mother like that for her to tell me I need to apologise to her rude partner.

I'd never purposefully meet up with her again, you don't need her or her other half in your life op.

SmallFerret · 29/04/2023 17:58

Mine and DM’s relationship is rocky at best as she accepts zero responsibility and just says “oh for goodness sake, you don’t know what abandonment is, I’ve always been there on the end of the phone or a drive away for you”

If you didn't laugh you'd cry, huh?

If it helps, the last words my mother said to me were "I didn't lock the door!"
This was in response to me ... finally ... having the temerity to allude to the physical abuse & sexual molestation she perpetrated on me as a young 'un.
Nice! Attempting to make me complicit in the abuse.
Like a kid can walk away, or say "no thanks" to their adult perv ...

The ability these disgraceful 'parents' have to absolve themselves of responsibility is amazing.
Your mother's attempt to shame you into apologising for the fact that both she & her bloke abused you is ... well I am sure you feel overwhelmed & suffocated by it at times.

You are a tower of strength to have survived, & got your siblings through those events too OP. May I ask - have you received support & therapy to help you manage the impact of it on your adult life?
You certainly deserve it.
I hope you have a peaceful long weekend , with as little brooding on your mother's ridiculousness as possible. FlowersWine

SmallFerret · 29/04/2023 17:59

I’ve told her to stuff it, but everyone I’ve told his saying that IABU?
Are these people your FRIENDS?
Is it ignorance of the true & unpleasant facts making them respond as if your mother were a normal person, deserving of daughterly love?
Or are they Flying Monkeys?

Anyhoo - fuck 'em, & fuck the self-righteous donkey they rode in on.

Original poster
Ohwhatadrama · 29/04/2023 18:03

The people saying I should attend are actually my siblings. They’re very much “it’s been fifteen years, let’s all move forward” in their attitude and don’t see a problem with him hardly speaking, but they’re men and actually probably prefer it while I see it as rude.

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 29/04/2023 18:03

Wow you sound like such a strong person to have risen about what utter wankers your parents and her partner are. Out of curiosity what happened to their house I hope you have it. I bet your siblings idolise you. Fuck him and her and their stupid wedding. Tell her you will only be a call away.

5128gap · 29/04/2023 18:04

You mum has made her choices to suit herself, over and over again. Every time you have had to adapt, compromise and fit in with her. Raising her sons for her, trying your best to accept and build a relationship with her partner for her, still seeing her even though she couldn't even insist on basic courtesy from her partner on your behalf. And now she expects you to apologise when you're not wrong in order to give her her ideal wedding day. No OP, you are not unreasonable to tell this selfish woman enough is enough. If it's so important you're at the wedding then maybe she needs to get her partner to extend an olive branch to you. I think you've given quite enough.

SmallFerret · 29/04/2023 18:09

Ohwhatadrama · 29/04/2023 18:03

The people saying I should attend are actually my siblings. They’re very much “it’s been fifteen years, let’s all move forward” in their attitude and don’t see a problem with him hardly speaking, but they’re men and actually probably prefer it while I see it as rude.

Oh dear.

Sorry to hear that - we all deal with ACE individually, & siblings can perceive (or even fully experience) events very differently from each other. Min imising & denial are common coping mechanisms, but that doesn't mean you have to collude with it or accept it.

Your brothers possibly didn't feel the abandonment as keenly, because they had you to parent them. However, you had nobody, & were made to step up & be the family's sole adult when you were just a teen.

How would your brothers respond if you just bluntly told them that as Partner has always been a prize shit to you, you have no intention of celebrating his wedding?