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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my mums wedding?

74 replies

Ohwhatadrama · 29/04/2023 17:32

My parents had a horrendous divorce when I was a teenager, around 15 years ago. Both had affairs and it was a very upsetting time. They both tried to commit suicide after finding out about the others affair and both left the family home to live with their partners leaving me as an older sister to raise my younger brothers. I was 16 and siblings were 12/15.

After the divorce, my dad met someone new who we get on with reasonably well but mum stayed with the other man. OM was 10 years younger than DM and never wanted us around or kids of any sort. When we would visit DM he would barely say anything to us, wouldn’t allow pictures of us up in his and DM’s house and had basically zero interest in our existence. If I asked DM why he was so rude she just said he was shy even after 5 years!

This continued for years him not speaking to us then he started to talk to brothers (football chat mainly) but still nothing to me. If I asked him something it would be one word answers or sometimes no answer and he never would engage in conversation back and he would even go audibly groan when we came round to see DM once a month and came in the doorway.

In the end after years of this, I did admittedly have a go at this man. Said that it was rude that he didn’t engage with us, not even a hello or how are you and I’d had enough. He asked me to leave their house and I did. I haven’t spoken to him in 7 years.

I’ve been seeing DM on and off for coffee etc monthly but never with her partner as we essentially both refuse to apologise. DM is distraught a lot and mentions it continually because I don’t see her at Christmas or birthdays anymore.

Now DM and her partner are getting married and she wants me to be there, but she says I have to go round and apologise to her partner first. I’ve told her to stuff it, but everyone I’ve told his saying that IABU?

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 29/04/2023 18:11

Your mum should be grateful you meet with her at all.
Your brothers have been sheltered by you. Are they used to women looking after everything for them? They are very very wrong in this instance.

Merryoldgoat · 29/04/2023 18:11

I’d never speak to her again to be frank.

I’m sorry you had such poor excuses for parents OP 😔

WildFlowerBees · 29/04/2023 18:13

I'd be saying no and then having zero contact with any of them. What they did to you was unforgivable and they remain toxic. No, as an adult you now get to decide. Live your life have the best life and keep them out of it. 💐

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/04/2023 18:19

Ask her what you're supposed to be apologising for.
Because you asked your 'step-dad' to speak to you? To acknowledge you? To treat you with basic respect? Sorry but that does not need an apology. If she wants you there, he should care enough to try and patch things up with you. Whether you would be ready to forgive him is a different thing.

DurdleLau · 29/04/2023 18:22

I wouldn’t go. You don’t owe your mum anything, and she’s done nothing to deserve being called ‘mum’. Unfortunately many people put their own happiness/quest for happiness before their children and the woman you call your mum is one of those. Better off without them both.

AlienatedChildGrown · 29/04/2023 18:22

Ohwhatadrama · 29/04/2023 17:40

Thanks. My parents essentially paid the bills and mortgage, both left the house and us in it and sent me money over to buy my siblings and ourself food.

They both didn’t want the house once the other had left and still to this day refuse to be in the same room.

Mine and DM’s relationship is rocky at best as she accepts zero responsibility and just says “oh for goodness sake, you don’t know what abandonment is, I’ve always been there on the end of the phone or a drive away for you”

Your mum is wrong. You know exactly what abandonment is. She does too, but minimises away the evidence of how she and your father failed their children.

Choose what gives you most peace in all your dealings with your parents. Providing you with that kind of inner peace should have been their job. Since they can’t be trusted with the job, the only one left to provide it, is you.

My heart goes out to you. Not just for what was done to you. But also because the denial of of what was done .. old wounds can hurt like hell when that happens. Huge hug.

Obi73 · 29/04/2023 18:27

You absolute star! You have been incredibly stoic and resilient when your parents abandoned you and your siblings - if it doesn’t work for you don’t do it and don’t apologise.

GoodChat · 29/04/2023 18:29

Ohwhatadrama · 29/04/2023 18:03

The people saying I should attend are actually my siblings. They’re very much “it’s been fifteen years, let’s all move forward” in their attitude and don’t see a problem with him hardly speaking, but they’re men and actually probably prefer it while I see it as rude.

They also weren't the ones left with all the responsibility

RosaBonheur · 29/04/2023 18:34

Ohwhatadrama · 29/04/2023 17:40

Thanks. My parents essentially paid the bills and mortgage, both left the house and us in it and sent me money over to buy my siblings and ourself food.

They both didn’t want the house once the other had left and still to this day refuse to be in the same room.

Mine and DM’s relationship is rocky at best as she accepts zero responsibility and just says “oh for goodness sake, you don’t know what abandonment is, I’ve always been there on the end of the phone or a drive away for you”

Are you married, OP?

If your parents refuse to be in the same room then I assume your mother didn't or wouldn't go to your wedding if your father was there.

Either way, I wouldn't be going.

Tigofigo · 29/04/2023 18:36

Ohwhatadrama · 29/04/2023 18:03

The people saying I should attend are actually my siblings. They’re very much “it’s been fifteen years, let’s all move forward” in their attitude and don’t see a problem with him hardly speaking, but they’re men and actually probably prefer it while I see it as rude.

Also your brothers had you to look after them and take on that parental figure. Who did you have?

Your parents especially your mum have let you down terribly and her partner sounds awful. YANBU at all.

QueSyrahSyrah · 29/04/2023 18:39

YANBU OP.

She made her bed, and now it's time to lie in it.

MyEyesAreBleeding · 29/04/2023 18:39

You poor thing. She's trying to minimise what she did. Your brothers definitely don't have the same perception, as they weren't left to run the household. That actually speaks for you, you must have done a great job for them not to feel abandonment.

Absolutely appalling. I'd tell both your parents to go fuck themselves. You deserve much better. You deserve not to be gaslighted.

TheCrystalPalace · 29/04/2023 18:40

Why on earth would she think you would want to attend (and therefore support) her marriage to the man who not only was the source of your abandonment as a child but has since been nothing but rude to you?

I applaud your strength and tenacity in surviving all this. You know your boundaries. Don't let anyone break them down by trying to make you feel guilty for something you haven't done.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 29/04/2023 18:40

Fuck the wedding I went NC with my Dad for less.

She should be grateful you even deign to speak to her

Gcsunnyside23 · 29/04/2023 18:41

I'm actually shocked you and your siblings speak to either of your parents. I would absolutely not apologise or jo to that wedding. And what a fantastic sibling you are to look after the younger two

Sparkletastic · 29/04/2023 18:47

Goodness I'd never speak to either parent again and certainly not the awful boyfriend. But you must do only what you want in this situation. You owe your DM precisely nothing and your siblings do not need to involve you in their choice. They didn't bear the brunt in the same way that you did.

CarrotCake01 · 29/04/2023 18:48

Nahh YANBU. You sound like a gem.
I'm sure your DM feels guilty deep down, not sure about him though. Sounds like a grumpy bastard.

My mum got with a grumpy, child hating, grunting bloke with 1 word answers too. I was about 11 but I wasn't invited to their wedding a couple of years later so at least I didn't have an awkward decision to make!!

Livinghappy · 29/04/2023 18:48

Your experience can be different to your siblings and that's OK. No one experiences the same relationship with parents and I hope your brothers understand that. If not now maybe they will,in the future. I know of a family where the mum was toxic and each had different roles so felt differently about their childhood however all woke up to their mums toxicity in their 40s.

I would suggest you get counselling and perhaps even include them so they understand your feelings should be validated.

You shouldn't feel invalidated but the "truth teller" in the family is often the one who people try to bring back into line. Often to keep up the facade of family life or to prevent them exploring the feelings of abandonment that they have not dealt with.

I'm sorry for what happened to you as a child. Well done for being strong but it must come at a cost to you.

NeverHadANickname · 29/04/2023 18:49

YANBU. I'd reduce contact with your DM too unless you feel like you are happy with your relationship with her. She has allowed him to treat you this way and has clearly always put you second.

LovePoppy · 29/04/2023 18:51

sounds to me like your mom fucked around and found out.

im so sorry you don’t have the parents you deserve

crazeekat · 29/04/2023 18:53

Firstly u should honestly be so proud of yourself that u have come this far in life and looked after your siblings and yourself so well. Thank god they had you.

Secondly your parents are absolute DEADBEATS and don't deserve you. Ur dm's partner is a complete nonentity. Don't even be in the same room as him again let alone apologise for him being a complete and utter scumbag to you all.

Thirdly. Don't do this to yourself. Imagine the stress of the lead up to the wedding. So not worth it. Don't make them put u in a position u don't feel comfy in and would basically be lying by saying ur happy to be there to celebrate the marriage.

Please, tell the lot of them to fuck right off and let them all get on with it. Go on a holiday the week of the wedding and have a ball to urself. Think of yourself cos none of them ever have. You sound a lovely person and I hope u do what's best for you xx

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/04/2023 18:57

If you can afford the time and money, a holiday over the wedding sounds like a great idea.

cpphelp · 29/04/2023 19:01

Why is everyone else saying you're being unreasonable? Who are these people saying that?

euff · 29/04/2023 19:20

Y--ou should go to the wedding and give a toast with a slide show presentation of your op.

She is being very unreasonable and selfish. Again. I wouldn't go. He was horrible then and clearly still is.

choccytime · 29/04/2023 19:36

You have absolutely nothing to apologise for, tell her to stick her wedding