To not go to my mums wedding?

[Ohwhatadrama]

My parents had a horrendous divorce when I was a teenager, around 15 years ago. Both had affairs and it was a very upsetting time. They both tried to commit suicide after finding out about the others affair and both left the family home to live with their partners leaving me as an older sister to raise my younger brothers. I was 16 and siblings were 12/15.

After the divorce, my dad met someone new who we get on with reasonably well but mum stayed with the other man. OM was 10 years younger than DM and never wanted us around or kids of any sort. When we would visit DM he would barely say anything to us, wouldn’t allow pictures of us up in his and DM’s house and had basically zero interest in our existence. If I asked DM why he was so rude she just said he was shy even after 5 years!

This continued for years him not speaking to us then he started to talk to brothers (football chat mainly) but still nothing to me. If I asked him something it would be one word answers or sometimes no answer and he never would engage in conversation back and he would even go audibly groan when we came round to see DM once a month and came in the doorway.

In the end after years of this, I did admittedly have a go at this man. Said that it was rude that he didn’t engage with us, not even a hello or how are you and I’d had enough. He asked me to leave their house and I did. I haven’t spoken to him in 7 years.

I’ve been seeing DM on and off for coffee etc monthly but never with her partner as we essentially both refuse to apologise. DM is distraught a lot and mentions it continually because I don’t see her at Christmas or birthdays anymore.

Now DM and her partner are getting married and she wants me to be there, but she says I have to go round and apologise to her partner first. I’ve told her to stuff it, but everyone I’ve told his saying that IABU?

Tell her to do one,not a chance would I attend after the way she has treated you.

They owe you an apology not the other way around, don’t apologise and thank god you don’t need an excuse to not attend the wedding, I’m surprised you have a relationship at all with your mum! You are much better without them in your lives by the sound of it.

I'm in a similar situation if having to celebrate the wedding of a family member who has treated me badly in the past. I just don't wish them well, given what they did. Their dp avoids eye contact or speaking to me directly. As such I think it's better to stay away. It's pretty final though if you do that.

Personally I'm tired of putting up with rude dp's of family members. Two siblings had god awful DPS we all put up with for decades. Eventually divorced. But can't help thinking if we'd just said at the start, jeez he'as a real knob isn't he, maybe they wouldn't have stayed married all those years.

I feel so angry in your behalf.
Do NOT apologise
He owes you a massive apology: he got together with a mother of children and then made life difficult for her children. Monster.
And I won't say what I feel about your DM as she's your mum, but I literally do not think you owe her anything at all and she's very lucky you even speak to her.
Put yourself first, do something lovely instead of the wedding and don't be guilt tripped.

This 💯

This.

Hugs, op.

Honestly, as a mother, I cannot imagine prioritising a man over my children the way she clearly has. (Yes because I know someone will ask, I feel the same about the dad, but the mum is the one in question here!)

I would NEVER have a partner who couldn't at least be civil to my child, but tbh I'd only want to be with someone who would make the effort to get to know and include my child in our lives together.

She is massively BU here and you don't owe this man jack shit. How dare she think YOU should be apologising! You raised her other children for her while she fucked off! And now this! Unbelievable!

Do not apologise and do not go. She is lucky you want anything to do with her as an adult.

What's their opinion on both parents scarpering and you having to parent? Do they really think that's ok ?

You have moved forward with your parents given you still speak to them at all (which I am amazed at btw!)

This isn't about the past it's about attending the wedding where you know the groom doesn't like you and doesn't bother to speak to you all whilst they are supposed to be "family".
You don't need to explain yourself just say have a lovely day and decline.

That is shocking and that will have left it's mark on you for life and so much for you to be responsible about at such a young age, had similar but I was the youngest. Do what you want to do, only go if you want to go and do not be forced into it. They all put their new partners before the children which is incredibly selfish and at 16 you should have had support and help as a very vulnerable age. I was 16 and had older sister only at home with me so very hard time trying to do exams and only hits you when you have your own children. Do not apologize to that man as he is rude but your mother put him first. Sending big hug and you sound like a great person and be proud of all you have done especially not having support in your life xx

Yes I hate the shaming that often goes on in these situations - as if you’re letting the side down by ‘holding on to the past’.

Thing is it’s not the past. It’s very much the present due to your mum and her partner’s behaviour

I'm so sorry that your parents left you when you were just a teenager, that's terrible💐

Yanbu to not want to go to the wedding and I don't see why you'd have to apologise to your mum's partner, he should be the one apologising to you.

You’re childhood was pretty much stolen from you, your experience is actually vastly different from your siblings as you had to pick up the pieces / caring responsibility.

I really feel for anyone who has toxic family cos it’s so hard to escape them.

’Hi brothers, please stop asking me to go to Mum and DPs wedding. It’s time for you all to accept the fact that I will never have anything to do with DP again. Love from ohwhatadrama’

Wow OP what a sad story. Both your parents let you down massively. I'm amazed you still have any contact with them. I don't think you should go anywhere near your mum and dickheads wedding. I'd never see him ever again, other than perhaps at his funeral just to make sure he's dead. Their actions have consequences. Stand up tall and proud, tell them you owe them nothing and most definitely won't be going to the wedding.

YANBU. Put yourself first and don't go. Definitely.

First I want to say how much I admire you, and that I hope you feel that way about yourself too. In my experience, families like this rely on denying the past in order to pretend to be functional. You dont owe it to your siblings to make them feel more comfortable about this. But if you seem emotional when you are responding to any statements about this, it will be easy for others to write you off as hysterical. IME, the best approach is to try and distil the important messages down to your bottom line - something like 'I understand this is difficult for you mum, but I have nothing to apologize for and I am not prepared to be blamed for his behaviour to me'. And repeat that phrase about nothing to apologize for if anyone else says anything. If the abandonment comes up I would be tempted to say 'that is not an appropriate response, we can talk about that in more detail if you would like but I don't think you would like what I have to say.'

DO NOT APOLOGISE.
Bloody hell. It's not you who should be sorry.

You should be apologising for...what exactly? Telling the truth? I think I'd go for a petty 'I'm sorry you didnt like me pointing out how rude you were' reaction.

They owe YOU the apology.......

It's up to you. Are yabu? No, I don't think so. Both your parents dealt you a crap hand though and I wouldn't want contact with either of them. Mum's in general gets a lot of flak for abandoning kids but your father did too. Your siblings may well remember things differently but they didn't have to take on any caring roles or responsibility so wouldn't have been impacted in the same way as you. It sounds like deep down you are angry at her partner but also your mum as well.

Well posted Livinghappy, & you have reminded me of a historic post from here - hope it gives comfort to OP & anybody similarly afflicted with a narc-type parent -
Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did.

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

Y--ou should go to the wedding and give a toast with a slide show presentation of your op.

😂👏Well said @euff