Page 4 | Massive row with DH over me refusing to stay at SILs.

NatashaDancing · 29/04/2023 20:33

LauderSyme · 29/04/2023 20:27

I'm not married and never have been but I'm pretty sure that one marries into a family. In fact it's part of the dictionary definition of the phrase "marry into", and is certainly culturally widely accepted as being so.

That being said, it's no skin off my nose what you do or don't do.

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What a quaint idea. I no more "married into" my husband's family than he "married into" mine. I don't like his family. Many of them have political views, which he doesn't share, which I find abhorrent. It's up to my husband how often or little he sees them- they're nothing to do with me.

Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 20:35

Runaway0 · 29/04/2023 13:08

She's incredibly rude and rinsing DHs elderly parents. FIL went to lie down on a sofa he purchased for them and she said don't do that you will make it smell. They never travel to see us.
They came to visit us once about before the kids were born and were incredibly snobby and entitled.

This is so confusing, she’s rinsing him and she’s responsible. But he purchased it for them ?

are you maybe just jealous of her and being weird?

Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 20:37

Runaway0 · 29/04/2023 13:00

SIL (dhs brothers wife) lives 3 hours away they have 3 kids younger than DD. I haven't gone to stay for a year and half

again she lives 3 hours away and they have 3 kids, do they live together or not .

NatashaDancing · 29/04/2023 20:38

Callixte · 29/04/2023 17:13

Regardless of who's "right" or "wrong", the practical situation seems to be that (1) your H wants to visit his brother/SIL overnight on a regular basis, but (2) you no longer want to go and have previously stayed home while H and children go. Now (3) your D doesn't want to go unless you do.

If this were just a holiday, I'd say each adult has equal say in destination and if one person says no, it's either off or that person agrees to sit it out. With family, though, it's a bit different - make sure you listen to & understand your H's feelings about wanting to go to his brother's and wanting the children (and possibly you) to come along and have a relationship. It can't be forced, though.

If D's old enough to stay home even though you're working, I'd let her stay and let your H make an excuse. The other option (probably preferable, but harder and more time-consuming) is to have an honest discussion with your H and D so he understands how she sees the situation and what she needs so that she's comfortable going. If your H is willing to protect her in the way she apparently feels you would, and she is convinced of that, then she can go with him. Of course, if her (and possibly your) objections are part of a misunderstanding or can be solved in a different way, that could come out of the discussion too, but it has to be consensus not one person overriding the other(s).

I don't see the point in having a row about it; that won't lead to a solution or compromise.

Regardless of who's "right" or "wrong", the practical situation seems to be that (1) your H wants to visit his brother/SIL overnight on a regular basis, but (2) you no longer want to go and have previously stayed home while H and children go. Now (3) your D doesn't want to go unless you do.

The OP 's husband is an adult - if he wants to visit his family nothing is stopping him. He doesn't need to force the OP to go.

Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 20:39

NatashaDancing · 29/04/2023 20:38

Regardless of who's "right" or "wrong", the practical situation seems to be that (1) your H wants to visit his brother/SIL overnight on a regular basis, but (2) you no longer want to go and have previously stayed home while H and children go. Now (3) your D doesn't want to go unless you do.

The OP 's husband is an adult - if he wants to visit his family nothing is stopping him. He doesn't need to force the OP to go.

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I think you’re clearly projecting you’re own fucked uo family situation onto the op.

NatashaDancing · 29/04/2023 20:42

Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 20:39

I think you’re clearly projecting you’re own fucked uo family situation onto the op.

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No , I fail to understand why an adult man can't go and see his own sister on his own.

My "family situation" is not "fucked up". My family are great. So is my husband. I didn't "marry into" his family. I married him.

Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 20:46

NatashaDancing · 29/04/2023 20:42

No , I fail to understand why an adult man can't go and see his own sister on his own.

My "family situation" is not "fucked up". My family are great. So is my husband. I didn't "marry into" his family. I married him.

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Your in-laws are your extended family. I get not liking it. But they are. Pretending they aren’t doesn’t change it. I’m sorry, I get it as said, but pretending it’s not fucked up doesnr mean it isn’t either.

UsingChangeofName · 29/04/2023 20:53

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 15:21

i think you’re right.

my money is on her being angry that SIL told her DD off for something. That’s what ‘being rude to my DD’ probably means.

everything about how the OP is framing things on his thread is frustrating. I’m sure her husband simply wants to visit his brother and she’s being bloody difficult.

I wonder what SIL’s account of it all is like.

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All of this.

Callixte · 29/04/2023 20:57

NatashaDancing · 29/04/2023 20:38

Regardless of who's "right" or "wrong", the practical situation seems to be that (1) your H wants to visit his brother/SIL overnight on a regular basis, but (2) you no longer want to go and have previously stayed home while H and children go. Now (3) your D doesn't want to go unless you do.

The OP 's husband is an adult - if he wants to visit his family nothing is stopping him. He doesn't need to force the OP to go.

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No idea why you're quoting my post. I certainly did NOT say that the OP's husband is not an adult, nor that he should force the OP to go. I said they'd both probably find it more constructive to have a conversation and consider each other's POVs rather than having "a massive row".

LoisLane66 · 30/04/2023 18:08

Aren't you entitled to your own opinions and decisions. He being an in-law doesn't mean you HAVE to want to visit. Your DH can go by himself, you don't need to give an explanation. I'm glad not to be in a relationship any more. Accountable to no-one suits me fine.

Ofcourseshecan · 30/04/2023 18:36

BigglyBee · 29/04/2023 13:53

If going there upsets your daughter, then you going to shield her from her aunt is not the answer. Your husband needs to hear, calmly if possible, exactly why neither of you wants to go, and it should be clear that he is welcome to go on his own.

There are important lessons being taught to your daughter about how to deal with nasty or difficult people, and what behaviour she should accept. Make sure she is getting the lesson you want her to learn.

Very good advice. There’s no reason why you or DD should visit rude people. OP, just tell DH why you’re not going. And thank god they don’t visit you!

PotatoLove · 30/04/2023 19:13

You can't pick your family unfortunately, but you can chose whether or not to spend time with them.

NatashaDancing · 30/04/2023 19:24

Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 20:46

Your in-laws are your extended family. I get not liking it. But they are. Pretending they aren’t doesn’t change it. I’m sorry, I get it as said, but pretending it’s not fucked up doesnr mean it isn’t either.

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In laws are not my "extended family" There is no legal (despite the word "in law") or blood connection to me.

SargentSagittarius · 30/04/2023 19:35

Entirely off-topic, but what does ‘rinsing’ mean in this context….?

Being rude too? Bad mouthing?

Cherryblossoms85 · 30/04/2023 19:50

I never get posts like this. The back story is hugely confusing and the OP just seems to want to slag off a random member of her family .

Angrywife · 30/04/2023 20:51

"I'm not going"
Repeat as often as needed.
He can't argue on his own if you refuse to get drawn in

LoisLane66 · 30/04/2023 23:50

@SargentSagittarius
Rinsing means taking money/taking for all they have. Wringing them dry.

SargentSagittarius · 01/05/2023 00:16

Thank you @LoisLane66!

LoisLane66 · 01/05/2023 00:22

@SargentSagittarius Y
You're welcome 'Sarge' 😁

T1Dmama · 01/05/2023 02:11

Wow OP, all the MN nasties are out in force on this thread!

You don’t need to explain the reasons why!… You don’t like your SIL…. Or your BIL’s wife as everyone is moaning wasn’t stated…. 😂

You are a grown arse woman, if you don’t want to go to your bitchy judgmental SIL’s then don’t go! Tell your DH you don’t want to go….. it’s not an argument…. It’s a ‘NO THANK YOU’ ….. ‘but you have a GREAT time darling’ x

Morgysmum · 01/05/2023 11:45

I cannot suggest anything to help, but families are hard work, I don't get on with FIL, he treats his wife like a servant, he is a lazy bully. My partner knows I don't get on with him, so he doesn't drag me along to see them too often.
However we had to go the other Christmas as, FIL, got told he has Kidney failure and heart failure, the doctors said if he takes care of himself he could have 2 years left, however FIL isn't the type to care for himself, drinks too much, eats too much, doesn't exercise much. So my partner thought, his dad might not be around for much longer.
It was a massive disaster, mainly down for FIL been a pain. He had pain in his legs, due to not elevating his legs, when he finally decided to, his was in too much pain. He had been prescribed some tablets, but they were running out, the doctor had told Mil, they wanted him to try without the tablets, so basically when they ran out that was it.
But he wouldn't be told, it was Mil fault the tablets had run out and that's why he was in pain because he didn't have the tablets. This was Xmas eve.
All night, he was moaning and complaining. I must have passed out from exhaustion at some point, only for the Dam cat to start screeching the house down at 3 am.
Christmas morning, he demand he needed the tablets. So had to go to the hospital to pick them up, they had to see him, as course of tablets were not on repeat. My partner and mum took him to hospital, but got told it could be a hour or more wait, so they returned home, so my son and his neice could open there presents. FIL got seen but was grumpy they hadn't sat around waiting for him. He wasn't bothered he ended up making Christmas miserable, as the turkey dinner was cooked for 6 as he was at the hospital for 12. But he had a face on, that he didn't have mustard for his pork pie. (when we had dinner)
He went all day without eating, because he didn't get turkey at lunch time, but for tea. Nightmare, but we have decided, we cannot go through that again, even his daughter who lives nearby doesn't vist much, because how he behaved that Christmas. We suggested that Mil could do with home help, as she was getting stressed and hid away from him in the kitchen for a hour or more. But she wouldn't except help.

mustgetoffmn · 02/05/2023 00:44

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 29/04/2023 13:03

Fascinating thread

Zzzzzzz lol

mustgetoffmn · 02/05/2023 00:49

Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 20:46

Your in-laws are your extended family. I get not liking it. But they are. Pretending they aren’t doesn’t change it. I’m sorry, I get it as said, but pretending it’s not fucked up doesnr mean it isn’t either.

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Your in laws are your in laws. No rules or contracts on the relationship. They are just your partner’s family. They can be as in or out of your life as much as you and they want or don’t want.