Page 3 | Massive row with DH over me refusing to stay at SILs.

Runaway0 · 2023-04-29T12:00:35+00:00

SIL (dhs brothers wife) lives 3 hours away they have 3 kids younger than DD. I haven't gone to stay for a year and half

RobertsRadio · 29/04/2023 14:55

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 29/04/2023 13:03

Fascinating thread

😅😅

NatashaDancing · 29/04/2023 15:05

LauderSyme · 29/04/2023 13:13

cross post

I don't think your DH is being unreasonable to expect you to make an effort with his family even if she's not your favourite person.

I don't like any of my husband's family. I never visit them. They're his family, not mine.

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 15:07

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 13:34

It’s weird that you refer to it as SIL’s rather than BIL’s.

So the issue is that it’s difficult to visit your husband’s brother because his wife is openly rude to people and unwelcoming?

Why didn’t you say that in the OP?

I suspect drama and attention seeking

likes drip feeding

makes me wonder what op like in RL

toomuchlaundry · 29/04/2023 15:11

What DH do when they were rude to DD?

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 29/04/2023 15:11

Right-o, tell him to go on a solo expedition and no further chit-chat on the matter, what with him trying to badger you into joining him and all that.

Now, pray tell, does your FIL have a rather, shall we say, lax approach to personal hygiene? 'Cos there are plenty of chaps out there who have rather soured perfectly good upholstered furniture with their BO, sweat from heavy tippling, their abhorrence of cleanliness, and wearing dirty togs. It's simply not cricket, is it?

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 15:21

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 15:07

I suspect drama and attention seeking

likes drip feeding

makes me wonder what op like in RL

Show quote history

i think you’re right.

my money is on her being angry that SIL told her DD off for something. That’s what ‘being rude to my DD’ probably means.

everything about how the OP is framing things on his thread is frustrating. I’m sure her husband simply wants to visit his brother and she’s being bloody difficult.

I wonder what SIL’s account of it all is like.

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 15:23

toomuchlaundry · 29/04/2023 15:11

What DH do when they were rude to DD?

It seems like all the adults in the entire family are spineless, including the OP

Waiting for the next drip feed….

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 15:26

@SquidwardBound

and “rinsing” the OP’s inlaws is really just jealously they she doesn’t feel she’s got a fair share

Innocentsongs · 29/04/2023 15:30

I agree with the OP. I cannot imagine telling an elderly relative not to lie on the sofa because they will make it smell. There are a lot of harsh posters on this thread. Imagine the SIL had told a young woman not to lie on the sofa because she might make it smell. The outrage on here would be audible in space.

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 15:40

Innocentsongs · 29/04/2023 15:30

I agree with the OP. I cannot imagine telling an elderly relative not to lie on the sofa because they will make it smell. There are a lot of harsh posters on this thread. Imagine the SIL had told a young woman not to lie on the sofa because she might make it smell. The outrage on here would be audible in space.

Given how evasive and weird the OP has been about everything (including the fact that it’s also BIL’s house and her husband wants to visit his brother), I wouldn’t consider her account of this as reliable.

Generally you don’t lie down on somebody else’s sofa. Do you?

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 15:42

My money is on the elderly parents being 58 or something, but the OP wants us to imagine they’re 95.

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 15:42

This reply has been deleted

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Innocentsongs · 29/04/2023 15:48

Somebody elderly might need to lie down. I would not like someone to tell my frail MIL that she can't lie down if she feels poorly but apparently an elderly man is fair game for harsh treatment by some posters.
If a teenage girl felt faint and needed to lie down, would the harsh posters be more sympathetic? If a pregnant woman needed to lie down. It's easy to have empathy for people you identify with. Some posts would suggest that some posters on here have little compassion for elderly people

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/04/2023 15:51

Three hours in car, followed by a spare room for three or a sofa and three small children that live there for a bank holiday and then trying to get home again on one of the busiest days of the year for travel/traffic jams - never mind the SIL being a twat, I wouldn't go anywhere if that was what was on offer, either.

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 15:56

Innocentsongs · 29/04/2023 15:48

Somebody elderly might need to lie down. I would not like someone to tell my frail MIL that she can't lie down if she feels poorly but apparently an elderly man is fair game for harsh treatment by some posters.
If a teenage girl felt faint and needed to lie down, would the harsh posters be more sympathetic? If a pregnant woman needed to lie down. It's easy to have empathy for people you identify with. Some posts would suggest that some posters on here have little compassion for elderly people

Spectacularly missed the point 😂

WheelsUp · 29/04/2023 15:59

After reading your updates, I wouldn't go either. Going with dd isn't going to protect her from any nastiness. I assume that your h doesn't think she was nasty to dd or SIL was mean when your h wasn't in the room.
I disagree that you should suck up this kind of behaviour for your h's sake. You not going means that you don't know what SIL does and says which presumably means your household is more peaceful which is a win-win for your h.

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 15:59

Innocentsongs · 29/04/2023 15:48

Somebody elderly might need to lie down. I would not like someone to tell my frail MIL that she can't lie down if she feels poorly but apparently an elderly man is fair game for harsh treatment by some posters.
If a teenage girl felt faint and needed to lie down, would the harsh posters be more sympathetic? If a pregnant woman needed to lie down. It's easy to have empathy for people you identify with. Some posts would suggest that some posters on here have little compassion for elderly people

You’re talking the word of an OP this evasive (avoiding mention of her husband’s brother) that the parents are ‘elderly’ and then assuming they’re also ‘frail’.

It could be a fit 60 year old who cycles 50km every Sunday who decided to have a lie down on the sofa without having a shower after that.

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 16:00

How often do you insist that your husband puts up with your family, OP?

GoodChat · 29/04/2023 16:09

Innocentsongs · 29/04/2023 15:48

Somebody elderly might need to lie down. I would not like someone to tell my frail MIL that she can't lie down if she feels poorly but apparently an elderly man is fair game for harsh treatment by some posters.
If a teenage girl felt faint and needed to lie down, would the harsh posters be more sympathetic? If a pregnant woman needed to lie down. It's easy to have empathy for people you identify with. Some posts would suggest that some posters on here have little compassion for elderly people

I'd expect them to lie on the bed in the guest room. If they're all staying over, there'll be space to lie down that's not sprawled across the sofa.

BadNomad · 29/04/2023 16:52

I'm not seeing the couch issue either. I wouldn't want people lying down on my furniture in the clothes they've been wearing all day either. The fact that FIL paid for the couch doesn't mean he has any more right to do that.

You say she is rinsing your PIL. Just her? Only she is taking their money, not their son? And not one other person can do anything to stop this for some reason.

I'm curious how she was rude to your daughter. Maybe told her not to walk on the couch that was paid for by FIL!

It's obvious you just don't like your SIL.

Callixte · 29/04/2023 17:13

Regardless of who's "right" or "wrong", the practical situation seems to be that (1) your H wants to visit his brother/SIL overnight on a regular basis, but (2) you no longer want to go and have previously stayed home while H and children go. Now (3) your D doesn't want to go unless you do.

If this were just a holiday, I'd say each adult has equal say in destination and if one person says no, it's either off or that person agrees to sit it out. With family, though, it's a bit different - make sure you listen to & understand your H's feelings about wanting to go to his brother's and wanting the children (and possibly you) to come along and have a relationship. It can't be forced, though.

If D's old enough to stay home even though you're working, I'd let her stay and let your H make an excuse. The other option (probably preferable, but harder and more time-consuming) is to have an honest discussion with your H and D so he understands how she sees the situation and what she needs so that she's comfortable going. If your H is willing to protect her in the way she apparently feels you would, and she is convinced of that, then she can go with him. Of course, if her (and possibly your) objections are part of a misunderstanding or can be solved in a different way, that could come out of the discussion too, but it has to be consensus not one person overriding the other(s).

I don't see the point in having a row about it; that won't lead to a solution or compromise.

Ivymom · 29/04/2023 19:03

Has your DD told H that SIL mistreated her? If so, what did your H do? What did your H say/do when SIL mistreated you? Is he prepared to remain by your and DD’s side the entire visit to ensure that SIL doesn’t mistreat you?

Several of my in-laws have treated me very badly over the years. They have been rude, insulting and sometimes even threatening. My DH called out their behavior every single time. Because of their behavior, we very rarely visit as a family. It’s been a few years since the children and I have been to visit. My children don’t want to visit because they have witnessed the bad behavior and had their boundaries pushed also. If my DH wants to visit them, he goes alone. He understands that their behavior caused this. He never pressures me to visit or send the kids. If the kids and I were to visit them with him in the future, he would support any boundaries I feel are necessary and would back me for anything I felt I needed to say should they continue their bad behaviors.

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 19:23

The OP wasn’t even there when the SIL was allegedly rude to her DD. Her father, OTOH, was and doesn’t think there’s a problem.

LauderSyme · 29/04/2023 20:27

NatashaDancing · 29/04/2023 15:05

I don't like any of my husband's family. I never visit them. They're his family, not mine.

Show quote history

I'm not married and never have been but I'm pretty sure that one marries into a family. In fact it's part of the dictionary definition of the phrase "marry into", and is certainly culturally widely accepted as being so.

That being said, it's no skin off my nose what you do or don't do.

Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 20:31

is she split from her husband your bil then? Does he not live there? You only talk about her and her house.

how is she then fleecing her ex’s parents?