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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive row with DH over me refusing to stay at SILs.

98 replies

Runaway0 · 29/04/2023 13:00

SIL (dhs brothers wife) lives 3 hours away they have 3 kids younger than DD. I haven't gone to stay for a year and half

OP posts:
DojaPhat · 29/04/2023 13:31

On those threads where people ask have you ever recognised someone, I often think it stems from threads like this where (if true) the OP posts various things that happened over a period of time e.g. one time person X ate my mars bar from the mini fridge, another time at a family BBQ person X took home the beers I bought and so on and so on.

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 13:34

It’s weird that you refer to it as SIL’s rather than BIL’s.

So the issue is that it’s difficult to visit your husband’s brother because his wife is openly rude to people and unwelcoming?

Why didn’t you say that in the OP?

Devoutspoken · 29/04/2023 13:36

Ponoka7, if the sil gets wound up by people sitting on her sofa, then just being a normal human being around her will most likely wind her up and whilst also being mildly entertaining, so no, I don't consider that to be a bad example to kids

GoodChat · 29/04/2023 13:37

Devoutspoken · 29/04/2023 13:36

Ponoka7, if the sil gets wound up by people sitting on her sofa, then just being a normal human being around her will most likely wind her up and whilst also being mildly entertaining, so no, I don't consider that to be a bad example to kids

She didn't want him to lie down on the sofa, which I think is fair enough.

UsingChangeofName · 29/04/2023 13:40

YABVVVU to ask people to comment on a situation without giving the information in the OP.

Even with your 2nd post, I still think YAprobablyBU.
This is obviously very subjective and told from your side only.
If someone is rude, raise it at the time.

NurseCranesRolodex · 29/04/2023 13:48

Explain to DH the reason you have decided not to visit is because you dislike her because she verbally and emotionally abuses his DF and has been upsetting his DD. Is he intimidated by his DB and panicking about annoying him. He needs to speak to DB about cunty wife.

GretaGood · 29/04/2023 13:52

What about staying in an airbnb and also spending time at something you dh and DD would enjoy without the rest. You don't have to tell them your plan.

BigglyBee · 29/04/2023 13:53

If going there upsets your daughter, then you going to shield her from her aunt is not the answer. Your husband needs to hear, calmly if possible, exactly why neither of you wants to go, and it should be clear that he is welcome to go on his own.

There are important lessons being taught to your daughter about how to deal with nasty or difficult people, and what behaviour she should accept. Make sure she is getting the lesson you want her to learn.

GretaGood · 29/04/2023 13:54

But it's DH's DB - he probably wants to see you and his niece too.

NoTouch · 29/04/2023 13:55

People are different and sometime in families you end up socialising with people you would never choose to have as friends. But you do it, in this instance, because it is important to your dh for his family to have a relationship with his brothers family.

You might have different ways of doing things, you might find someone abrupt or rude, but you deal with it at the time and develop a relationship built on mutual understanding and compromises on both sides. That doesn't mean putting up with unreasonable shit, but it does mean making an effort.

FIL went to lie down on a sofa he purchased for them and she said don't do that you will make it smell. - picking up on a little comment like that makes you sound petty. Some people don't like lying down on fabric sofas as they can absorb smells. It is you that chose to take it as a slight against your FIL.

When the chips are down and we are going through tough times, I have seen it many times before, it is usually (I know not always!) family who will surprise you by stepping up and helping out, especially when there are children they have a bond with involved.

LlynTegid · 29/04/2023 14:08

It's a long day but feasible to have a day visit. Is that an option?

katemulberrybush · 29/04/2023 14:09

Yanbu

I don't like staying at other peoples homes. Book a Premier Inn and meet for lunch

GeorgeGerald · 29/04/2023 14:11

I would inclined to offer a compromise and suggest meeting up for a day out equidistance/travelling time from your homes. One day, neutral turf. See how it goes.

Jumbojade · 29/04/2023 14:19

Does MIL/FIL spend lots of money on SIL’s family, while your family get nothing? Just wondering if there is some jealousy involved, as you said sil was “rinsing DHs elderly parents” and pointed out that “FIL went to lie down on a sofa he purchased for them.”

LifeExperience · 29/04/2023 14:21

You're not obligated to visit someone who has been rude to you just because you're related.

DunkingMyDonuts · 29/04/2023 14:23

Your husband want to go and stay in someone's home who was rude to his daughter and told his father he would make something smell??! Have I read that right?

Your husband is a disgrace if so

Abacusporttaco · 29/04/2023 14:26

She’s a nasty bitch. I’d refuse to and my H could shove it up his arse. He’s more than welcome to go if he wants.

Original poster
Runaway0 · 29/04/2023 14:31

Jumbojade · 29/04/2023 14:19

Does MIL/FIL spend lots of money on SIL’s family, while your family get nothing? Just wondering if there is some jealousy involved, as you said sil was “rinsing DHs elderly parents” and pointed out that “FIL went to lie down on a sofa he purchased for them.”

We don't need their money I'm not jealous at all. I find it deplorable rinsing elderly people.

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 29/04/2023 14:39

Is she stealing their money or are they simply buying stuff for their son and his family? Big difference.

SparklyBlackKitten · 29/04/2023 14:40

She's been rude to your kid? When?you never see them you said ...
I dont get it

I would just go
Once
Get it over and done with .
It might be nice for your dd to see her cousins

Or.
It might be a nightmare and then you can rest your case with your dh and you will be free from staying over for ever 😁

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 14:50

Runaway0 · 29/04/2023 13:19

It's not his sister it's his brothers wife. The rest of his family is lovely.

Show quote history

Can’t be that lovely if they allow abuse of one member of the family against others within the family, including a child. All sound rather spineless actually

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 14:51

Runaway0 · 29/04/2023 13:08

She's incredibly rude and rinsing DHs elderly parents. FIL went to lie down on a sofa he purchased for them and she said don't do that you will make it smell. They never travel to see us.
They came to visit us once about before the kids were born and were incredibly snobby and entitled.

Did any adult present pull her up on this. Very very sharply and swiftly?

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 14:51

Runaway0 · 29/04/2023 13:08

She's incredibly rude and rinsing DHs elderly parents. FIL went to lie down on a sofa he purchased for them and she said don't do that you will make it smell. They never travel to see us.
They came to visit us once about before the kids were born and were incredibly snobby and entitled.

“They” were snobby and rude or just her?

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 14:54

and rinsing DHs elderly parents.

very odd

so only you are aware of this fact?
because if DH or his brother are aware… very odd that bugger all is being done about it

in fact, odd that you don’t seem to have said or done anything about the financials abuse of elderly persons

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 14:54

Runaway0 · 29/04/2023 14:31

We don't need their money I'm not jealous at all. I find it deplorable rinsing elderly people.

Show quote history

Not so deplorable to… actually do something it would seem.