Partner puts dog above me

[Notgotaclue207]

So background I’m heavily pregnant, not exactly going to be able to do much but want some reassurance that I’m not insane. Dog belongs to partner from before our relationship.

Partner:

• Despite me asking since falling pregnant wont put the dog in the living room to sleep - I don’t want the dog upstairs at night because baby will set dog off and vice versa and I want the dog to not associate the change with the baby.
• let’s the dog sit on anything in the house including all of my blankets, let’s the dog chew on them and baby’s the dog
• washes the dogs paws in our FOOD BOWLS when I’ve complained enough about why there is mud trekked around the house and then leaves them outside the house for me to collect up
• Leaves the dog with me for over half the week and says I can’t leave the dog alone EVER

i love this man and some of this isn’t new but the washing paws in food bowl has driven me completely insane and I’ve stormed out.

am I overreacting? I know the bowl will get washed but I think it’s completely gross.
I feel like I am being completely disrespected.

Yep - you need to ask him which of you he'd like to live with and sleep with. Clearly isn't you! My DH very nearly lost me as he couldn't stop himself letting the cat into our bedroom at night.

So when he orders you to stay home with the dog you tell him where to go and leave right?

Was he always this charming?

Mmmm, interesting that you chose to get pregnant with this man. I mean, he really sounds horrible!

Just about to write loads but you summed it up in your last sentence. Yes he is completely disrespecting you.

I don't know how you have communicated with each other before about all this but I would have another very, very serious go at it. Tell him you need to talk, choose a good time. Don't be rushed. Listen to his (shit) reasons for why he does each (awful) thing and explain your side too.

See if you can get him to change. If not, frankly I would leave because he sounds, disrespectful, disgusting, selfish, thoughtless, ignorant, and god knows what else.

Enjoy your baby in a new clean environment!

I think your both unreasonable here, and you probably should’ve had a discussion about expectations and lifestyle before getting pregnant.

it sounds like you don’t like the dog much so are finding fault in some areas where there isn’t fault which is then undermining some of your legitimate complaints.

were you ever happy with the dog sleeping upstairs and on furniture or is the baby now just giving you a reason to stop something you’ve never actually liked? For me this discussion shouldve happened before you got pregnant. One thing to note is that the best way to stop dogs feeling pushed out by a baby is to start training early so they don’t associate negative changes with the new arrival

on the washing of paws in bowls, personally I think you’re bonkers- they’re going to be washed and there’s plenty of things that you would put on kitchen surfaces and crockery that are more harmful (raw chicken for example). Presumably you are washing them properly so it shouldn’t be a problem.

the dog should be able to be left alone, if it can’t be then this is something he should be working on training for the dogs well-being more than anything. When the baby comes the dog will need to be left alone at certain times so it would be much better him slowly training it now rather than having to shut it away for a long period because you have to and the dog getting distressed

You're finding issue with the dog rather than the man. Why are you having a child with him?

The dog isn't the issue your partner is.

Isn't that exactly what the OP was saying? 🤔

Did you read the title? She is literally attributing the issue to her DP, not the dog.

Dog paw cleaners are a thing by the way.

If he wants to sleep with the dog they can both sleep on the sofa.

www.amazon.co.uk/Dexas-MudBuster-Portable-Cleaner-Medium/dp/B01N64DCPR/ref=asc_df_B01N64DCPR/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=226613890277&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4522389670306244641&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006478&hvtargid=pla-305741449130&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

YANBU, but it isn’t going to change. So you either have to accept it or move on because nagging him about it when he has no intentions of changing will stress you both out.

I disagree with your OHs way of living but it's pretty common. That's why I'd not date someone with a dog and definitely not have a child with someone who thought this way. Still, it's done now so not sure what you can do really other than remove yourself from the situation. This might prompt him to change his mind, it might not. Going forward, dog issues aside, does your OH always get the final say? Look back on other occasions where you've had a difference of opinion, eg overnight guests, who gets the car, nights out, invites, home purchases etc. Is your relationship one of consideration and compromise or is it a dictatorship?

So he’s had the dog since before you were together. He’s not being disrespectful, he always behaved like this. Your mistake was assuming he would change because you are pregnant. He won’t. Put up with it, or move out, or you will make both of you miserable.

Well it's clear where you are in his order or priorities, isn't it? Dog is more important.

You are very wise not to want a dog in your bedroom or around a sleeping baby. You are also well within your rights not to want an animal lounging on your sofas and chewing your things. And it is not YOUR job to restrict your life because of your partner's animal which will not be left.

You do need to have a serious talk about this, if he can't bear to be parted from his "fur baby" then it might be an idea to remind him that he has a real baby on the way, soon, which is 1000 times more important than his dog.

Yabu
For listening to this guy that tells you you are not allowed to leave the dog by it self EVER. Especially when he lumps it with you half the week ...

Sorry but stand up for yourself

Same for the cleaning the dog paws in food bowl. Buy him a bowl. Tell him this is where he will wash the dogs paws in. Or else.

Dog sleeping in bedroom isnt really an issue. Babies sleep like er... babies. And probably you will end up waking up from. The baby snoring etc more than the dog will wake up the kids

The dog sleeping and chewing on laundry is rediculous. Tell your dh that things WILL change when baby is born. And if not ....well. the dog might have to be rehomed ( of course not but make hi. Believe you are serious!!)

The First year of having a baby is like wet cement. After that year,all the habits etc will be set in that concrete. Make sure to ser proper boundaries and rules from day 1!!!

Her mistake?

You do realise it's entirely normal to make changes to accommodate an infant don't you?

Why on earth would it be a mistake to assume that an adult male might make some adjustments for when their child came along?

Jesus wept, it's the woman's fault the little man can't change? 🙄

His behaviour doesn't sound great (and I say that as a dog owner) but you presumably knew what he was like beforehand - did you just expect him to change and go along with what you want, or did you both discuss how things would have to change when you became pregnant and the baby came along?

I broke up with my ex, one of the reasons being that he wouldn't leave the dog alone, EVER. We didn't live together, but when he went to work the dog went to his mother's. If we went into town the dog came in the car, stayed in the car and we had to 'hurry, because the dog doesn't like the car much'. We couldn't go out for a meal, to the pictures, ANYWHERE spontaneously.

Do you think he may be using the dog to control you, OP? My ex had huge issues regarding control of his own life, he liked everything regimented, not to have to go anywhere new or do anything that might upset him. So he used the dog as his excuse. Any chance this might be the case for you?

It's her mistake in that she's the one who wants to change the status quo, not him.

Yeah, God forbid a woman expect mild adjustments for when the baby comes, fuck me 🙄

Yeah, God forbid a woman expect mild adjustments for when the baby comes, fuck me 🙄

And similarly, God forbid that the baby is seen to be more important than the fucking dog.

It is!!

This is the sort of issue best talked about before having children but what's done is done.

Your partner loves his dog. I completely understand that because my dog is my world. I think if you try talking to him without that understanding and compassion you're probably not going to get very far.

You have the right to changes when the baby is born. I think you need to explain clearly why you want those changes and how it's best for all of you. Try and reach a compromise and find a way to work together for all of you.

If you can't then unfortunately it may be a case of going your separate ways and not getting into a relationship with someone who has a dog. They do take work and part of the family too.

I think the crux of this is that the OP's partner expects everyone's life to revolve round his animal.

OP quite rightly thinks that when the baby arrives, their lives will revolve around the baby and his/her needs, and that the dog will have its basic needs met and won't have this "most important living thing in the house" status.

My point is that everyone has different expectations about what should happen when a baby arrives - not that the adjustments shouldn't happen.

Why didn't they discuss it beforehand?

You just have different ideas about dog ownership. It sounds like you believe your ideas to be right and are seeing his different views as not prioritising you, when the reality is that he just disagrees with you.

Personally I wouldn't be keen to distress my dog by changing their sleeping arrangements, and I wouldn't be delighted if my partner unilaterally decided this had to happen.

I also use our kitchen bowls for all sorts of things - slime making etc - as long as they are cleaned later I can't see the harm. But if you'd prefer to have a tub of something for washing the dog's feet, surely this is an easy fix?