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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cannot visit dh in hospital with cancer because we have a disabled child

105 replies

ZZpop · 29/04/2023 03:35

Dh has cancer and will be having hospital treatment in a hospital 2 hours away for a few months and is likely to be during school holidays. We have a severely autistic teenager. We have been given support in the home but have been told that because of ds's needs I am expected to be there all the time which means outside school hours I cannot leave the house unless ds is with me and I cannot visit dh.
AIBU to think this is unreasonable?

OP posts:
Pluvia · 29/04/2023 09:19

Echoing what WidowTwanky said upthread. I've been involved with several friends and relatives who've had cancer. IME hospital stays have been for just a few days at a time unless it's major surgery (and you'd probably be surprised by how quickly people are discharged). I'm aware that when people are put on major immunosuppressant treatments they may have to stay in hospital for several weeks. Visits in that situation mean that you would be able to see your husband through a window but not sit with him.

What does he have to say? Does he expect you to visit him more than a couple of times a week? A four-hour round trip isn't something that most people could manage on a daily basis. Is there any provision for accommodation for visiting relatives?

Are you able to take your son to visit in the evening? I would have thought a four-hour round trip would be very difficult for most people to do regularly.

I have every sympathy with your situation, but I think we need a bit more information.

YukoandHiro · 29/04/2023 09:21

Can you find a respite placement for your child to allow you to be with DH for a period of time?

Pluvia · 29/04/2023 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No, Bubbles was right: you were vile — and are continuing to be so. Stop digging.

LynetteScavo · 29/04/2023 09:23

OP,

You've posted in AIBU, which will attract some of the nastiest responses on MN.

This must be a really tough and stressful time for you. I'm sorry I can't offer any great ideas around it. I've found FaceTime useful when relatives have been in hospital.
Flowers

Bluebells1970 · 29/04/2023 09:23

Can you try Barnados for some home support?

https://www.barnardos.org.uk/what-we-do/support-for-parents-and-carers

This sounds very stressful and draining for you - make sure that you're looking after yourself as well as everyone else Flowers

eatdrinkandbemerry · 29/04/2023 09:23

Unfortunately we would be in the same situation as there's nobody who could meet our severely autistic sons care needs during the school holidays.
It's pants but we just have to get on with it x

x2boys · 29/04/2023 09:24

ZZpop · 29/04/2023 03:35

Dh has cancer and will be having hospital treatment in a hospital 2 hours away for a few months and is likely to be during school holidays. We have a severely autistic teenager. We have been given support in the home but have been told that because of ds's needs I am expected to be there all the time which means outside school hours I cannot leave the house unless ds is with me and I cannot visit dh.
AIBU to think this is unreasonable?

But who would look after him if your not there ?
I do understand I also have a severely autistic son,he's 13 in a couple of weeks but cognitively around two or three, ,when my oldest son was in critical care a couple of months ago,I stayed with ds1 and my dh,stayed with ds,2 we couldn't do anything else.

YukoandHiro · 29/04/2023 09:24

Pluvia · 29/04/2023 09:19

Echoing what WidowTwanky said upthread. I've been involved with several friends and relatives who've had cancer. IME hospital stays have been for just a few days at a time unless it's major surgery (and you'd probably be surprised by how quickly people are discharged). I'm aware that when people are put on major immunosuppressant treatments they may have to stay in hospital for several weeks. Visits in that situation mean that you would be able to see your husband through a window but not sit with him.

What does he have to say? Does he expect you to visit him more than a couple of times a week? A four-hour round trip isn't something that most people could manage on a daily basis. Is there any provision for accommodation for visiting relatives?

Are you able to take your son to visit in the evening? I would have thought a four-hour round trip would be very difficult for most people to do regularly.

I have every sympathy with your situation, but I think we need a bit more information.

I'm not sure it's about what he's expecting, it's the OP wanting to be able to be there to support her DH but is finding it impossible to do so. There's no reason to turn this into finding fault with the DH

Skybluepinky · 29/04/2023 09:31

Find out if yr child could attend a day Centre so u r able to visit.

SeulementUneFois · 29/04/2023 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This.

OP please ignore vicious messages, some people love punching people when they're down.

How are you holding up?
I expect the answer is no, but are you able to do anything to take care of yourself? Please try to get some support so you can do so - you are a person too, no less than your child.

Dexy007 · 29/04/2023 09:42

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x2boys · 29/04/2023 09:43

Skybluepinky · 29/04/2023 09:31

Find out if yr child could attend a day Centre so u r able to visit.

Unfortunately ime,for any kind of respite there needs to be assessment,s and normally the child, /young person is put on a waiting list ,it's not as simple as just finding a day centre my son was granted every other Saturday at a special needs d's centres type place and two overnight respite./ Month before xmas ,he started the every other Saturday last,week and his overnight respite,will be at least another couple of months before we can even start introductions

Pluvia · 29/04/2023 09:45

I'm not sure it's about what he's expecting, it's the OP wanting to be able to be there to support her DH but is finding it impossible to do so. There's no reason to turn this into finding fault with the DH

I take your point, but I was reminded of a time when my mum was in hospital (not cancer) and I would go and visit after work every day. 90 minutes there after work and more than two hours to get back home again, every day for a fortnight. When she was back in her own home I can remember commenting on how I was enjoying an evening at home — and she told me that she hadn't expected me to visit each day, she'd thought I was coming because I was worried about her. It turned out that she'd felt a bit guilty and stressed, knowing the effort I was going to. She hadn't said anything because she thought the visits were for my well-being, not hers. So a realistic conversation between OP and her DP may be due.

Someone upthread has posted about using FaceTime in order to catch up with someone in hospital. That may be a useful way of OP seeing and talking to her DP even if she can't visit in person as much as she'd like.

Nimbostratus100 · 29/04/2023 09:50

Dh has cancer and will be having hospital treatment in a hospital 2 hours away for a few months

what is meant by this? Most cancer treatment is day treatment - even major surgery like mastectomies etc. Have you misunderstood? Or are you talking about regular day clinic visits? Or is your husband actually going to be away from home for several months? The only time I have come across someone being away from home long term was to destroy bone marrow and stay in a sterile environment, but that certainly wasn't months

FatGirlSwim · 29/04/2023 09:55

Nimbostratus100 · 29/04/2023 09:50

Dh has cancer and will be having hospital treatment in a hospital 2 hours away for a few months

what is meant by this? Most cancer treatment is day treatment - even major surgery like mastectomies etc. Have you misunderstood? Or are you talking about regular day clinic visits? Or is your husband actually going to be away from home for several months? The only time I have come across someone being away from home long term was to destroy bone marrow and stay in a sterile environment, but that certainly wasn't months

Some induction regimes of chemotherapy, and bone marrow transplants, require an inpatient stay of up to six months.

Doubting the OP isn’t ok here. She doesn’t need to explain the details of DH’s treatment.

FatGirlSwim · 29/04/2023 09:56

And a mastectomy is not day treatment!!

Nimbostratus100 · 29/04/2023 09:56

FatGirlSwim · 29/04/2023 09:55

Some induction regimes of chemotherapy, and bone marrow transplants, require an inpatient stay of up to six months.

Doubting the OP isn’t ok here. She doesn’t need to explain the details of DH’s treatment.

Show quote history

no, just asking for clarity.

DangerNoodles · 29/04/2023 09:58

Does your DC's school have a holiday club and are they able to make it accessible for your DC? It may be worth asking. PP suggestion of talking to macmillan is a good idea, however I have heard very mixed things about them.

I hope you manage to sort something, sorry some posters have been awful.

FatGirlSwim · 29/04/2023 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

dexy007 the OP hasn’t said anything derogatory about her child, ffs. I suggest you leave this thread and stop kicking someone when they’re down. I have disabilities as do my dc, and you are the horrid one.

OP says she is unable to visit because she has a disabled child. This is completely true. She doesn’t say it’s the child’s fault or that she resents it. She is simply saying that she is being hugely disadvantaged as a carer. Which is discriminatory.

You are being utterly horrid and are also reading something into the post that isn’t there.

CovertImage · 29/04/2023 10:01

so it’s actually quite ableist and rude to make assumptions about reasons for not reading posts properly and then be so horrible about it.

Ha ha ha!

Soontobe60 · 29/04/2023 10:06

Sadly, getting respite care for children with disabilities is a thankless task.
OP, I would formulate a plan - how often would you like to visit your DH, how long would you need care for whilst visiting, do you want care in the home or for your DS to go to a day centre? Once you’ve got this clear, contact Barnardos, Macmillan, the SENCo at his school and whoever else provided this service in your area. I’m assuming your DS has an EHCP and DLA? So it may be a case of you paying for the temporary additional support.
In the meantime, make sure DH has an iPad / tablet to take with him so you can FaceTime each other regularly when you can’t get there.

timetochangeagainagain · 29/04/2023 10:08

This might not be possible but I wonder if it would be possible for your teen to go into respite care for a day a week or something along those lines? That might not be workable but it would give you space to travel and spend time with your DH.

DrinksHotChoc · 29/04/2023 10:09

@Dexy007 why not do something constructive eh?

The OP has a severely disabled child and a DH who is about to be hospitalised for cancer treatment. She is not the enemy and you are definitely not the hero you seem to imagine you are.

OP I’m sorry your family are going through this? Who is providing care to your DC? Surely they must be able to accommodate you being away from home at some point?

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 29/04/2023 11:20

@ZZpop we're sorry to hear you're dealing with this. If you'd prefer your thread moved from AIBU, let us know.

While we're here, we should be clear that AIBU is not a free-for-all - our talk guidelines apply here as they do across the boards.

Mumsnet's Talk Guidelines | Mumsnet

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JMSA · 29/04/2023 11:27

I am so sorry for your predicament, OP. It sounds incredibly difficult Flowers