Is DH right?

[threefiftysix]

Hi all. I've recently gone back to work after taking a long break of 8 years. In that time we moved abroad for my husbands job and I had 2 children. Was tough for me to work abroad for various reasons.

Anyway we are back now and I've started a new role in the legal world . The last month has been horrendous- crazy long hours, working weekends etc. it's been insane. Im also suffering from imposter syndrome and feeling like I'm not good enough for the role and generally feel a bit under water.

I'm very lucky that we have a lot of help so I don't need to worry about cooking or cleaning and even childcare. And my husband is hands on with the kids (but also does v long hours and from the office - I wfh).

I'm still managing the mental load though 'what's in the fridge, meal planning, what do the DC need for school etc'.

A few times when I've been fed up with work and in all honesty just wanting some sympathy and praise for going back into the corporate world after 8 years I've moaned to DH. His response is always something along the lines of 'yeah welcome to my world' or 'yeah I also did a 15 hour day'. AIBU to feel hurt by this response?

Thank you all.

So tell him what you NEED, don't expect him to know, after all he IS a man!!

🙄

This one OP!

So reading your OP, you and your husband have a pretty even load; is that correct?
Does he ever off load on you? What’s your response if he does?
just trying to build up a better picture before I have an opinion.

YANBU. Mental load is something many men will never even grasp. Especially not if they have been with a stay at home partner. I’m joining the work force on Monday (also after an 8 year break) and I’m an anxious mess so I can relate to your feelings.

And your husband should be more supportive! You’ve sacrificed a lot to help him with his career (stayed home to raise kids and run a household, moved abroad, all at the cost of your own career).

Working 15hours a day is definitely harder when you’ve been unemployed for 8 years and still completely new to the position. It’s sad he turns it into a “who suffers the most” competition instead of just giving you a pep talk and a hug. It will get better when you are more settled at your job. And do tell him how you feel and what kind of support you would like from him.

Yes in fairness we do have an even load. The difference is his load is work and doing fun stuff with the kids.

My load is work and then doing all the crap stuff with the kids, getting them to do hw, eat, moan at them in the morning to get dressed etc.

In fairness he doesn't ever unload on me. It's just not in his nature although I would be happy to listen.

I appreciate I'm probably being a bit precious here. I'm just struggling a bit with the return to work. Also I just mentioned that he needs to do hw with DS in the morning for upcoming exams and he said 'oh should I do that'. That really annoyed me. I mean yes you should! Why should I do it!! As I wfh I have to constantly make sure weekday hw is being done.

So although I say he is hands on with the kids maybe I should have said he spends a lot of time playing with the kids and taking them out. Over Easter I had to work and so he took them both on holiday! I'm v grateful for this but feels like I'm left with the crap tasks

@threefiftysix if he does the fun parenting and you’re left with the crap stuff, that’s not really even, is it? May take up equal amounts of time but it’s definitely not equal!
Its tough when one person never unloads, as they find it difficult to relate to people who need it as a way to de stress.
Have you spoken to him about it? Not when you actually need to have a vent, but explaining to him how things get on top of you and you feel like it would help to talk to him?

Yes v true!

I will speak to him tomorrow but I already know what he will say. Something along the lines of his he's sorry and he is proud of me for going back into the corporate world etc etc. I just don't know if he will mean it

I feel like if he meant it he would say it when I originally have said how I'm doing crazy long hours and I'm knackered and fed up. That's when I needed to hear it

Maybe he was a tiny bit resentful / jealous of your time as a SAHM? So that now you're back at work and finding it challenging he's making a point "well I've been having to do this all along"? Not saying he's right (as being a SAHM to small children is also hard!) but maybe that's where this is coming from.

Have you had conversations about how your new life is going to work? I hate to say this-but if you haven't then you can't expect him to know.

@Ivanovaa good luck! Sorry for my negative thread. There are lots of things I've loved about going back to work too.

@HowManySunflowers that's an interesting pov. He would love to be a sahd. He's so good with the kids and would spend 24 hours with them if he could. I on the other hand can only do it with the help of wine 😂 also in the country we lived in we had a nanny and housekeeper so being a sahm was a good deal! Maybe he is resentful of that. Food for thought.

@CurlewKate fair point. I think I need to discuss tomorrow

You're wfh and he's going in?

WFH in a new job, is not that easy, he gets to have that mental break from home. Whereas you are still surrounded by it.

I think moaning about work is one thing, we all do it. Expecting praise for going to work is a bit much though.

What you're describing is someone who infuriatingly lives in a competition with you over who has it worse. Sounds like he's responding through the lens of his own experience rather than just thinking about you, what you're going through etc and trying to understand how to support you (ie just empathise a bit!).

Just want to say that similarly I went back to work after many years. I suffered from imposter syndrome for years and although the load was fairly evenly split I still felt like it was tougher for me than DH. This is not a woe is me comment, it’s just that we have different personality types.

Don’t be to hard on your DH what he’s saying isn’t wrong, you’re only doing what he’s doing more or less but also kudos to you for getting back out there, it really is not easy. Communicate. You’ve got this!

If you’ve been a SAHP with a nanny and a housekeeper… and he would’ve liked to be a SAHD… well, yes I can see why he might feel a tiny bit resentful.

You are going to the goats house for wool.

He can’t be all things. Moan to your sister/friend/cousin about it.

well done though, high five and I hope your new jobs goes well. I know how hard it is to start a new job, while having a lot of family demands, but in a few months time you will be flying it and it will all be worth it.

Surely the mental load is somewhat reduced if you don't have to worry about cleaning, cooking or childcare? 😆

'Yeah I also did a 15 hour day' - with a wife at home sorting all the household stuff! I'm sure it would be a lot easier on you right now if you had a stay at home husband currently. Ridiculous comparison

Errrr did you read the OP?

all the house hold stuff? She has a cook, a cleaner and childcare!!

If you’ve always had and still have that much domestic help I also wouldn’t be keen on listening to you moaning about going to work like he’s been doing the whole time. Have you been praising him for that all this time?