Is DH right?

[threefiftysix]

Hi all. I've recently gone back to work after taking a long break of 8 years. In that time we moved abroad for my husbands job and I had 2 children. Was tough for me to work abroad for various reasons.

Anyway we are back now and I've started a new role in the legal world . The last month has been horrendous- crazy long hours, working weekends etc. it's been insane. Im also suffering from imposter syndrome and feeling like I'm not good enough for the role and generally feel a bit under water.

I'm very lucky that we have a lot of help so I don't need to worry about cooking or cleaning and even childcare. And my husband is hands on with the kids (but also does v long hours and from the office - I wfh).

I'm still managing the mental load though 'what's in the fridge, meal planning, what do the DC need for school etc'.

A few times when I've been fed up with work and in all honesty just wanting some sympathy and praise for going back into the corporate world after 8 years I've moaned to DH. His response is always something along the lines of 'yeah welcome to my world' or 'yeah I also did a 15 hour day'. AIBU to feel hurt by this response?

Thank you all.

I also don’t see why you’re worrying about what’s in the fridge if you don’t cook.

Just to clarify I don't have a cook! I have a lovely cleaner who helps with food prep. Also when I say I have childcare - my lovely mother helps out regularly but is nearly 80 so whilst she supervises the kids play or watch a bit of tv she doesn't do any of the big stuff with them. But I'm very thankful that if I need to take an urgent work call she can watch the toddler

@MiddleParking my cleaner doesn't do any grocery shopping. If I ask her to child some veg for me or make a lasagne for the kids she will

God the answers here are depressing. You’re knackered, tired of carrying the mental load and people’s answers are that you should tell him what you need. For fuck sake.

Look I understand I'm very fortunate and if I didn't have that help there's no way I could be doing 15 hours of work a day which is what has been required of me for the last month including every weekend and public holiday

@Inthesamesinkingboat yeah this is my thinking. Isn't it obvious that a bit of empathy would be nice. I get that he's done long hours in the past but he's never had to think about the kids and what they need for school etc or what their homework is.

@MiddleParking also maybe I should be clear. A nanny/housekeeper in the country I lived in us far from what it is in the uk. She was great in caring and looking after children from a 'keeping them safe' perspective but didn't know how to discipline and her English wasn't great so couldn't do homework or anything.

I'm very lucky that we have a lot of help so I don't need to worry about cooking or cleaning and even childcare.

Well I based my response on the above but if you don't actually have the above then that's different...

Could you go into the office some days? I find separation clears my mind somewhat.

@produ yes that would be great but I have no one to collect the kids from school

Anyway thank you for all your responses. Was just feeling a bit fed up as I'm still working on my laptop desperate to go to sleep!

Was good to rant and get it off my chest. Thanks for listening and to those you responded with great advice x

@threefiftysix are there no after school clubs or childminders?

I'm not sure of it's a 'man's thing or an 'empathy' thing. I say that because I remember before I had kids, people would come and go on mat leave etc and slot right back into the workplace...it would vaguely register 'oh Claire's back' and then I'd carry on with my day.

And then after having kids, the absolute turmoil of trying to get the kids into a routine that worked with my return to work, getting them settled at nursery etc, mentally swapping from being 'mum' to being 'work-version-of-me', feeling weird wearing suits and heels again after wearing jeans for a year, panicking that I'd forgotten everything I'd ever learned whilst getting used to new systems and processes and IT that had changed, physically getting used to long working days etc...was all completely overwhelming. I had a new found respect for people who had returned to work before and made it seem like they just slotted back in, and felt awful that I'd not ever really done anything to make it easier for them or gone out of my way to acknowledge that it isn't really easy feeling new again.

And that was just after 11 months off so I cant imagine how you would feel after longer away. So it may be that he just has no idea either.

But the mental load he can definitely share. It's not fair that he is fun dad and you are drudge mum. You've had to adapt and change things now you're in the workplace again so he can adapt and change now you're in the workplace again and take charge of whatever (paying and organising things for school, clubs, insurance, whatever). Lots of things can be done electronically even on your phone on the train for example

Yeah sorry OP but your clarifications about the domestic help haven’t really changed my view that if I was your husband sympathy wouldn’t be the first thing I’d offer in response to you moaning about working. You didn’t respond to my point about whether you’ve been praising him all this time for working, while you’ve been at home with a nanny and housekeeper (your nanny sounds exactly like my British understanding of a nanny btw - someone who looks after your kids!) and now with a cleaner who will chop veg and make a lasagne on request (which is very far from my understanding of what a cleaner usually does). It sounds like your DH has been working for years in a job which has allowed and continues to allow you a really luxurious lifestyle with a very significant and unusual amount of paid help with your kids. From his perspective I can totally understand why he’s not doling out the sympathy for you now having a job too.

It does not sound like an equal load. Other men would be slated for going to work and coming home to a wife who also works full time and expecting:

• shopping to have appeared
• fridge to have magically filled itself with necessary food for week
• meals to have been planned and cooked
• kids homework to have been done
• buying kids clothing for home and school
• I assume also all medical? Dr/ dentist/ opticians etc
• sorting kids extra curriculars/ parties/ present buying
• you are lucky enough to have help but is he him or you who organises that help?

I'm sure there's more. He also works outside the home and can leave it there and come home and play with the kids after you've done the h/w/ cooking and making the kids eat. all the hard stuff done. You wfh and can't leave it behind.

Can you get out at all after work for some you time to have some separation from work and home and having something for you?

I think it would be unusual for anyone on enough salary to afford maids and nannies, and then cleaners etc in this country to be able to come
home and never bring work with him.
He also works outside the home and can leave it there

I think it's okay to find it tough, but I find it pretty odd that a grown adult expects to be praised for going to work. I doubt you praised him during the eight years you were a SAHM.

If you both work 15 hour days and earn enough money to have previously paid for a nanny and a housekeeper, why don't you do that again?

What you want is to be heard. A "yes that sounds tiring/hard/difficult" etc.

My dh does this. If I say "I'm tired" he says "tell me about it" and I reply "I am". All I want is to be heard, it feels dismissive to have a "welcome to my world" type response.

I just wonder if the DH felt heard when OP was home for eight years with a full-time nanny/housekeeper.

I'm sorry but what did you think was going to happen when you went back to work? By your own admission, you get loads of help with everything else. Other than the long hours, your situation sounds much more favourable than most!

Going to the goat's house for wool!

What a brilliant expression- never heard it before.

That sounds very tough, OP. I also lived abroad and was able to work there in the legal world and am relocating back to uk now. I can’t imagine having 8 years out and then suddenly having to advise on complicated areas of law. Make sure that the person who you report to is aware that you’re finding it a bit new and need some time to get your feet under the table. It will get better. Is it in-house or private practice?

I also think that our confidence is helped massively by working in the office as opposed to home as we have some in office chats with our managers / colleagues and it can feel so much better to run things by people in person. Can your DH wfh sometimes?

best wishes

You are working far too hard. That load is just not sustainable in the long term. 15 hours every day and all weekends and holidays and you are heading for getting burnt out.

Can you go part time? Or think around a job you could enjoy doing but is less intense and demanding.

Or could your DH go part time or become a SAHD and take a financial hit but have more space and time?

On a small practical level, you say you do all the grocery shopping. I'd at least get that delivered or at least set up a click and collect - that would outsource one job that's still on your plate.

I don’t really see how you can be both working 15 hours a day every single day including weekends and holidays (so 7am-10pm or 8am-11pm for example) and yet also carrying a full ‘mental load’ and doing all the grocery shopping. When are you in the supermarket, when are you feeding your kids? Do you mean you’re splitting up your normal work day with child and home related tasks/moaning about DH on mumsnet etc and then logging back on later to finish stuff off? Most adults are squeezing their job/kids/house stuff into their 16-18 waking hours a day. You say you’re constantly moaning at the kids about weekday homework but then say that DH has to do morning homework to prepare for upcoming exams, for children you’ve had within the last 8 years. What exams could they possibly be and why would they need two lots of homework to prepare for them? It sounds like you probably both need to be a bit more efficient and a bit more grateful tbh. It’ll make you feel better.

This.

He needs to step up properly, not just with the fun tasks. He doesn’t have a wife at home anymore so he needs to start doing some of the thinking and planning. A supportive word wouldn’t go amiss either.

It’s not fucking rocket science and you shouldn’t have to spell it out, but as a former sahm I can tell that annoyingly you’re probably going to have to. And likely many times before you see a change.

This reminds me of the thread a few weeks ago where the OP got a hard time because although she didn’t have kids she was going everything around the house and made the mistake of mentioning how much she earned so the mumsnet hags were out in force telling her to knuckle down and be grateful for her situation rather than focusing on the unfairness of being in an unequal relationship.

all those saying that this is find because the OP has a cleaner and childcare need to give their heads a wobble. Unequal relationships are never fine.