Is DH right?

[threefiftysix]

Hi all. I've recently gone back to work after taking a long break of 8 years. In that time we moved abroad for my husbands job and I had 2 children. Was tough for me to work abroad for various reasons.

Anyway we are back now and I've started a new role in the legal world . The last month has been horrendous- crazy long hours, working weekends etc. it's been insane. Im also suffering from imposter syndrome and feeling like I'm not good enough for the role and generally feel a bit under water.

I'm very lucky that we have a lot of help so I don't need to worry about cooking or cleaning and even childcare. And my husband is hands on with the kids (but also does v long hours and from the office - I wfh).

I'm still managing the mental load though 'what's in the fridge, meal planning, what do the DC need for school etc'.

A few times when I've been fed up with work and in all honesty just wanting some sympathy and praise for going back into the corporate world after 8 years I've moaned to DH. His response is always something along the lines of 'yeah welcome to my world' or 'yeah I also did a 15 hour day'. AIBU to feel hurt by this response?

Thank you all.

If unequal relationships are never fine then OP owes her husband an apology, doesn’t she? Or does that ‘never’ come with some sex-based qualifiers?

@MiddleParking sorry, can you explain a little more? When was she kicking back when he did more?

@MiddleParking I moved abroad for my husbands job. I tried really hard to get a job over there but couldn't because of the language barrier and compliance reasons. As a result I made sure my DH never had to think about a thing with regards to home life.

Moving abroad was not my choice. I'm super close to my parents and the thought of having children so far from home was heartbreaking for Me. But I did so knowing that it would be great for DH career and therefore all of us as a family unit.

Why do I owe him an apology?

When they lived abroad, OP stayed at home and had a housekeeper/nanny for eight years while her husband worked long hours.

@threefiftysix - you really don't.

Some very unhelpful responses on this thread OP. Ignore them.

OP - I do sympathise that it's a shock going back to work and working long hours after such a long break, but I don't think you can expect your DH to praise you for doing something he's been doing everyday for the best part of a decade.

If he previously earned well enough to buy in help, why are you not doing that now - hire a housekeeper/nanny so you don't have to worry about the mental load of home.

I don’t actually think you owe him an apology, but I think the statement from another poster that “unequal relationships are never fine” when he was working while you were a SAHM with a nanny and a housekeeper is completely daft. That isn’t two equal workloads no matter the circumstances that took you there.

I don't know if it's the cost of living crisis or what, but recently on Mumsnet, I've noticed that anyone with any amount of privilege is getting slammed for complaining about anything.

OP acknowledges she's has a lot of resources other people don't have. The issue is that her husband has even more resources in that he has a wife also carrying the mental load for him. All he does is work and play with the kids.

OP, I agree your husband can't be all things in terms of being the person you complain to about work. Are there other professional women at your work who are also doing the juggle and would understand better?

You do need to look at him getting to be the fun parent while you do the grunt work though. That's not great for anyone in the long run.

My husband would probably say the same, though I absolutely know he would want to help and support me; he just doesn't know how.

I have learned to ask for what I want. If I said "life is so hard, my head is all over the place, work is really challenging..." then he'd either respond with his similar gripes, or more likely, a list of "helpful" suggestions on how I might help myself (presumably based on what he does to help himself?).

On the other hand, if I said "going back to work has been a real shock, and I am struggling with holding all the domestic stuff in my head as well as learning a new role; WILL YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR [the kids school stuff] and/or [meal planning/shopping] and/or [cars/garden/laundry] etc etc etc, then he'd either say yes or explain why he can't and help me problem solve how we'd get those jobs done and find me some brain space.

There's no way he'd understand that I want him to take on some of the load from a "I am struggling" moan from me. He would need me to ask for what I think I need and then we can take it from there.

OP acknowledges she's has a lot of resources other people don't have. The issue is that her husband has even more resources in that he has a wife also carrying the mental load for him. All he does is work and play with the kids.

I think that's quite unfair. For eight years, he carried the entire financial load while OP stayed home and had considerable amounts of help running the house.

I'm not saying that to slam OP, but to try and point out that the pressure of being the sole financial provider is rarely ever acknowledged on here - it's a huge responsibility to take on.

As a result I made sure my DH never had to think about a thing with regards to home life.

Which after years of conditioning & now that you are back at work you are going to have to be explicit about the help you need.