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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider TTC while DH working away

59 replies

GrumpyCat3489 · 28/04/2023 17:55

DH has an amazing job secondment opportunity, start end of the year. My job is fab + great maternity benefits so don't want to leave to join him. He'd come back here at the end of the secondment anyway.

The job is 1 hr flight away (but easily a 4 hr trip with border control etc), we would see each other every other weekend. If conceiving goes to plan-ish, he'd be away in my second or third trimester and first 6 months of baby's life. My mum would come live with me and help with baby, no problem there.

We're trying to decide if this would work.

Delaying TTC is an option but age is a consideration...I'm used to being very independent but I might resent him as I'll be doing all the hard stuff alone (mum is not the same as a husband) while he's living his best life in a luxury all paid city central apartment.

Money wise it would be amazing for us long term.

OP posts:
dietcokelime · 28/04/2023 18:01

Would he not miss being their for the first six months terribly?

I know it happens in situations, but I probably wouldn't personally plan for it to happen.

Lots of people don't return from secondment in my experience but also if you've got any idea you might resent him (as you've said!) I wouldn't do it at all. That could ruin the relationship, is that worth the financial gain?

dietcokelime · 28/04/2023 18:01

*there

Original poster
GrumpyCat3489 · 28/04/2023 18:04

Forgot to mention, he has good paternity leave. So when baby is born, he'll come over for a few weeks and then I'll go join him for 3 months or so. I want to go back to work at 5 months, which is when my mum would come help, in case his secondment is extended/ I get pregnant quickly.

Flights and health insurance not a problem, all covered.

OP posts:
Lamelie · 28/04/2023 18:05

Go for it. It might not happen while he’s overseas and if it does you can go and stay once you’re on maternity leave. I had several stints in serviced apartments with babies and toddlers, it was great!

Original poster
GrumpyCat3489 · 28/04/2023 18:05

It's not just the financial gain in the short term, it comes with a big promotion long term. So a much higher salary when he returns too. The secondment is definitely temporary.

OP posts:
alpacamaraca · 28/04/2023 18:08

My DH worked away a lot when DC were small and it's perfectly doable IMO especially with support from your parents.

The only difference was that he worked away prior to the DC being born too so I was used to that.

Personally I wouldn't wait, what if his secondment is extended? You could be waiting to start a family for much longer than you think.

Soontobe60 · 28/04/2023 18:11

Money isn’t everything.
Think about it the other way round. Would you be prepared to have a baby then live away from it for the first 6 months of its life?

Sissynova · 28/04/2023 18:24

Personally I would not want to do the first 6 months with my first baby alone.
I would 100% delay by at least the 6 months.

Un7breakable · 28/04/2023 18:26

Having been in a similar situation don't wait. TTC might not be as easy as you think.

name985 · 28/04/2023 18:29

I would say your age is a big factor. If you are under 35 then may be less of a rush to tttc(I know this isn't always the case and infertility can happen any age) and if you are under 35 perhaps wait.

Smartiepants79 · 28/04/2023 18:36

It might take months or years to conceive.
If you’ve thought through all the consequences of falling pregnant while he will be away and honestly decided that you think you are ok with it then I’d just try and see what happens.

Original poster
GrumpyCat3489 · 28/04/2023 19:06

I'm 34 so don't want to wait another year to start trying for the first baby.

OP posts:
Nevermind31 · 28/04/2023 19:09

You will be on maternity leave - so why don’t you stay with him?

Colourmylifewith · 28/04/2023 19:11

Honestly, it’s flipping hard, how much will your mum be willing to do? Don’t underestimate how much you might want your DH there, 6 months is a lot to miss

Sapphire387 · 28/04/2023 19:12

If he's really serious about having a baby soon, would he consider not going?

Marshmallowmountain · 28/04/2023 19:15

I’d definitely start TTC. You don’t know how long it might take so the 6 months is worst case scenario

parietal · 28/04/2023 19:16

Go for it. Time apart with small baby is max 6 months but likely to be shorter and you can travel to him a bit when on leave.

abyssofwoah · 28/04/2023 19:20

Could he get out of the secondment without repercussions if you did fall pregnant before he left? It would be terribly hard for both of you for him not to be around for the first 6 months. But in your situation I would be also thinking that delaying could be risky.

SorePaw · 28/04/2023 19:20

You'd probably be best to ask MN to delete this thread & start again, with ALL the details in it, or you're just going to keep getting people who haven't even read all if your posts commenting on stuff you've cleared up.

id probably take a break from TRC while he settles into his new job & then carry on.

AspidistraFlying · 28/04/2023 19:22

DH and I conceived first go while living in different countries (I spent six months a year a short haul flight away for years) — he was visiting me for a weekend. We were shocked as I was 39 and thought it would take ages, if it happened at all. The pregnancy was manageable, though tough (bad morning sickness, SPD), but there’s no way I would have survived the first six months of parenthood solo, despite being tough-minded, independent, and used to separation. Plus it would have been appalling for DH to miss out on so much.

SorePaw · 28/04/2023 19:24

SorePaw · 28/04/2023 19:20

You'd probably be best to ask MN to delete this thread & start again, with ALL the details in it, or you're just going to keep getting people who haven't even read all if your posts commenting on stuff you've cleared up.

id probably take a break from TRC while he settles into his new job & then carry on.

Sorry brain only semi engaged.🤦🏻‍♀️

I'd carry on TTC if he is happy to as well. You'll sort out the practicalities if you get pregnant & won't resent him/his job if you don't.

Namechangenoidea · 28/04/2023 19:49

I would TTC. You have no idea how hard it’s going to be and the journey it may take. My personal opinion is anyone above 30 shouldn’t wait if they want more than one child.

drpet49 · 28/04/2023 19:51

Sissynova · 28/04/2023 18:24

Personally I would not want to do the first 6 months with my first baby alone.
I would 100% delay by at least the 6 months.

This. You cant plan for these things.

Original poster
GrumpyCat3489 · 28/04/2023 19:56

I wouldn't be totally alone. My mum would move in for whatever length of time he's not here (and she's an absolute superstar mum) and I'll go stay with him during mat leave as soon as I can get the baby a passport

OP posts:
Colourmylifewith · 28/04/2023 19:59

Also, part of having kids is sacrifice, (most) people learn that you can’t always have the same career etc especially in the early years, sometimes you have to make compromises. He is being slightly unreasonable taking it if you are both invested in TTC, can’t imagine planning a baby whilst taking a job so far away.

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