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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider TTC while DH working away

59 replies

GrumpyCat3489 · 28/04/2023 17:55

DH has an amazing job secondment opportunity, start end of the year. My job is fab + great maternity benefits so don't want to leave to join him. He'd come back here at the end of the secondment anyway.

The job is 1 hr flight away (but easily a 4 hr trip with border control etc), we would see each other every other weekend. If conceiving goes to plan-ish, he'd be away in my second or third trimester and first 6 months of baby's life. My mum would come live with me and help with baby, no problem there.

We're trying to decide if this would work.

Delaying TTC is an option but age is a consideration...I'm used to being very independent but I might resent him as I'll be doing all the hard stuff alone (mum is not the same as a husband) while he's living his best life in a luxury all paid city central apartment.

Money wise it would be amazing for us long term.

OP posts:
MRex · 28/04/2023 20:10

I get that we only have your side, and that things don't feel quite real until you're pregnant or even until the baby's born, but seriously - what is his opinion on whether he would like to spend any time with his baby? Find that out before you get pregnant, and don't have a baby whose dad isn't interested in spending time with them. It isn't and shouldn't be all about "can someone else do a nappy while I shower", this is about a potential real human who deserves to be wanted. If you have a man who thinks his secondment is more important, and you're planning to rush back to work - what's the point, really?

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/04/2023 20:16

You have time

I would delay by 6mths so he is around for birth and first few months

Equally as you will be on ml no reason why you can't fly out there once have a passport for baby

Not sure if you can do same day passport for first passport but even if send away hopefully won't take more than a few weeks

That's got to be better than dad 6mths away from his child

Original poster
GrumpyCat3489 · 28/04/2023 20:25

He's not set on it and he's very torn too, we're just talking about how we could make it work as the secondment was just put back on the table. This is early stages but some decisions do need to be made and I wanted opinions from people who have had a baby already!

Even though I'm 34, I only have one close-ish friend who's had a baby!

OP posts:
Jibo · 28/04/2023 20:39

Have you looked into maternity care in the country he's going to? What if you started mat leave when you're still able to manage a 1-hour flight (say 35 weeks) and go to have the baby where he is and spend your ML there? Your mum could come too? It's such a special time having your first baby together, it's sad not to share that.

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 28/04/2023 20:44

At 34 I would definitely wait to TTC!

Why do you think you’ll want to go back to work at five months? You may. But in my experience it’s unusually early and lots of people who think they want a short mat leave change their mind when the baby is born.

Personally there’s no way I’d do this. I think everyone loses out. If your DP has his heart set on the secondment then he’s not ready to prioritise parenthood, and it’s another reason to wait.

OliveWah · 28/04/2023 21:19

When I read your thread title I thought that you were asking if YWBU to TTC while your DH was away, as in your DH wouldn't be available to TTC with, so would YBU to find someone else to assist in his absence!

Extraordinarytimes · 28/04/2023 21:34

We TTC whilst DH was working away, and I had first trimester alone. It was great! I was exhausted and it meant I could just climb straight into bed when I got home and rest. There is no way that I would have a baby with DH in another country; I couldn’t deprive him of that very special time and hugely valuable bond both between him and baby, and the two of you as new parents. Don’t take that time away from him and give it to your mum. As a new mother you also need emotional support and some adult convo and downtime when baby does manage to go down in an evening! Lovely if you can do this with your partner.

I would do as some others suggest; wait a couple of months so that you can take mat leave early and arrange to stay with him for around a month before baby is born, and until you are ready to go back to work. That way you enjoy the new baby time together, you don’t sacrifice your work, and you also enjoy being in a city centre where I’m guessing there will be lots to do with new baby. I really wouldn’t delay; we needed IVF ICSI - we had a hunch we may have trouble so started trying at a less opportune time (exactly like you); really paid dividends with then being able to access fertility help with me at a viable age. Hopefully this is a moot point and you conceive quickly, but if you want another, age would continue to be a consideration.

spidereggs · 28/04/2023 21:45

Look, you do what you do.

Life does what it does.

I got married at 19. Working ourselves to the ground, so that when we hit late 20s we could start ttc.

We lost eight babies over the next ten years, plus two failed ivf.

We fell again and without intervention I carried my first, then the next year my second, and then third.

I gave up work, DH is constantly away, I have no family help.

You do what works for you.

Remember single parents, army, military, offshore, farmers, lorry drivers etc etc. not everyone has this perfect DH family set up

phoebebrigade · 28/04/2023 21:49

Is he not bothered about missing so much of the first year of his child’s life? That would make me
reconsider TTC at all

Axahooxa · 28/04/2023 21:53

No. This is not a good set up to start a family. You will feel vulnerable and your life will be very, very different. Your DH will not be forced to adjust to a new lifestyle in the same way at all and it’ll divide you massively. The baby will miss out on bonding with her/his dad, and vice versa.

Beseen22 · 28/04/2023 21:57

I was pregnant with my second while DH was abroad. It was the only child that was conceived easily and I had great family support with DC1. Thankfully pregnancy is much more pleasant to me than my horrific monthly cycle so I was fine. It all backfired a little when DH was made redundant pretty much ad soon as the baby arrived and it was his turn to be at home and mine to go out to work.

We got married young and have tried to create a family for over 10 years. Thankfully we now have 2 but it's been a lot of years of infertility and miscarriage so I can honestly say that I would just go for it and you will iron out the fine details when it comes to it. However I'm a aware that is completely on my tough time conceiving so if that is not what works for you and your husband then hold off.

ACynicalDad · 28/04/2023 21:57

Sounds like with maternity and paternity time apart is short, can you extend your maternity even unpaid? If so it’s an easy call, go for it.

Lcb123 · 28/04/2023 22:05

I’d go for it, it might take a while especially if you have limited time together. And surely you can just go and live with him during your mat leave .

updin · 28/04/2023 22:05

No absolutely not, delay. My DH is in the military and even being absent for just 9 weeks in the week from 3 weeks was just awful, I did have PND but no doubt his absence exasperated, if not entirely caused, it. I have no fond memories of that time. He missed most of the pregnancy too. It's a special time, do you really want to spend that time alone?

If you were 40 I might say go for it, but at 34 you still have time.

lauraisa · 28/04/2023 22:08

I wouldn't wait.. and you can go see him tons when on Mat leave. Sounds like it will be great for his career long term. Plus it may take a few months to conceive anyway.

strawberryfluff · 28/04/2023 22:10

I think that's an awful idea. Dad needs to be as involved as possible for the first 2 years.

strawberryfluff · 28/04/2023 22:11

updin · 28/04/2023 22:05

No absolutely not, delay. My DH is in the military and even being absent for just 9 weeks in the week from 3 weeks was just awful, I did have PND but no doubt his absence exasperated, if not entirely caused, it. I have no fond memories of that time. He missed most of the pregnancy too. It's a special time, do you really want to spend that time alone?

If you were 40 I might say go for it, but at 34 you still have time.

Exactly. It's better if you get through the sleepless nights as a team.

strawberryfluff · 28/04/2023 22:12

Axahooxa · 28/04/2023 21:53

No. This is not a good set up to start a family. You will feel vulnerable and your life will be very, very different. Your DH will not be forced to adjust to a new lifestyle in the same way at all and it’ll divide you massively. The baby will miss out on bonding with her/his dad, and vice versa.

I agree completely. Your life will change dramatically overnight. His will pretty much carry on. Terrible idea.

Mangone · 28/04/2023 22:14

I would go for it if you will be getting help from your mum.
My DH has always worked abroad, he goes for four months at a time and comes home for two weeks before returning for four months.
We had kids and I found it to be perfectly manageable with no help, but much of that depends on your own mindset.
When ours were born there wasn't really any paternity leave but with what you're saying regarding your own DH paternity leave, plus you may join him until you start back at work yourself and if you're confident that you have everything organised to help you, then I would begin TTC.

strawberryfluff · 28/04/2023 22:17

GrumpyCat3489 · 28/04/2023 19:56

I wouldn't be totally alone. My mum would move in for whatever length of time he's not here (and she's an absolute superstar mum) and I'll go stay with him during mat leave as soon as I can get the baby a passport

Do you know anyone where he is? It can be a very isolating time so if you have lots of friends etc here but not there take that into account

updin · 28/04/2023 22:22

And having your mum is simply not the same, I lived with my mum for our eldest whilst my DH was away 2 weeks at a time (granted she was working) and it really is not the same as having your partner with you. I feel like I was robbed of those times, rather than relishing my new borns it was about survival and I resented DH not being there, he also missed so much. I'm used to DH being away, as I say he's military, but it was a time we will never get back and if you have the choice of avoiding this situation because it's only a year, I really can't recommend it enough.

3luckystars · 28/04/2023 22:24

All I will say is, don’t wait.

YomAsalYomBasal · 29/04/2023 08:42

I think you're being very naive, things often don't go as smoothly as you think. What if a baby is born prematurely or disabled? What if it's twins? What if your mental health suffers as it often does in pregnancy and birth. I'm also not sure why your DH would even want to miss so much really important time with a child.
You're also putting an awful lot of pressure on your mum here....
You're 34, that's not old. Wait a bit.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/04/2023 09:39

@GrumpyCat3489 bring preg and no dh about isnt fun but guessing if you really want a baby now then doable

But

Why spend the first 6mths alone once born

If you are on ml why can't you go and live with dh

Missing out on those first few months is something dh will never get back

BakewellGin1 · 29/04/2023 09:46

I would do it. Especially as paternity leave etc is good.
I've had both of my babies whilst DH has worked away. He is home on average every 3 weekends and similarly is an hours flight away.
The reality is sometimes people don't work locally to home.
It's hard but if you have support it's doable
Good luck