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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to find it hard being around 'competitive parents'

75 replies

Mylittlebirdie02 · 28/04/2023 14:54

DD is 8.5 months old. I'm admittedly a very anxious parent as our first child was born with very severe cerebral palsy passed away at only a few months old. I try to not worry about DD meeting milestones, but I think because our son couldn't meet them, it does make me slightly more aware of things.
Today we went to a play gym and got chatting to another mum with a baby who turned 9 months yesterday. Her little girl was crawling around and pulling herself up on things. The mum made a comment about my DD who was just sitting, saying 'ooh, can she not move yet?' and started telling me her DD had been crawling for 'quite some time'. I know she probably didn't mean anything by it, but it still put a lump in my throat. I know it's because of my own internal worries.
DD has been sitting independently since 6 months old. She isn't yet crawling/bum shuffling (and is getting frustrated at this!) She wants us to support her standing on her feet all of the time, and when we do she will walk with us holding her for a few steps before she sits down.
After she mentioned DD not moving we kept playing and chatting, but I felt a bit deflated the rest of the session. I'm so proud of DD and everything she can do so far, and I know she's still young and will do things in her own time. I think I'm just feeling a bit sensitive now.
AIBU to feel this way, or do others feel/have felt similar?

OP posts:

YouCould · 28/04/2023 15:10

You need to learn how to not care otherwise it will just go on and on and on. Talking, school, sports, exams, universities, careers. You have to choose not to engage or care. That's MUCH easier said than done though. There is always going to be someone who's kid is doing better than yours but there will always be someone who's kid isn't.

Having said that if people are making you feel bad then don't hesitate to let the, know. You could have pointed out to the competitive Mum that she should be mindful about making comments lithe that as 'some' Mums might be upset by that type of comment and that you are sure she wouldn't want to upset someone.

Original poster

Mylittlebirdie02 · 28/04/2023 15:14

@YouCould thank you for your reply. I am definitely working on trying to not care, I'm still having counselling from my son's death and working through these worries there too - but sadly it's hard to just switch it off when it's become your default way of thinking! I really appreciate your advice though, thank you 🙂

OP posts:

Acheybreakyhead · 28/04/2023 15:15

My response to those parents was "it's nice, I can put her down and get a cuppa, come back and she's exactly where I left her!"

Acheybreakyhead · 28/04/2023 15:16

When the speech delay hit I used "mmm I'm loving the peace and quiet, it's so relaxing"

blubberball · 28/04/2023 15:18

People say stupid things. Ignore.

One of my "best friends" asked me why my ds was so slow. He has developmental delays and disabilities. We are no longer friends.

SmurfHaribos · 28/04/2023 15:18

I had this with my SIL OP. Drove me up the wall.
I would go in the opposite direction OP, in that I would play down what your DD can do. That takes you out of the race and leaves the other person looking a bit pathetic. A bit like when you get some joker at the traffic lights trying to race you - just sit back and let them race off like an egotistical manic whilst you just do your own thing and catch them up round the corner as they get stuck behind a tractor!!
Also you should definitely mention your first baby if they are being persistently annoying - it will make them think next time they are bragging.

Gabby10 · 28/04/2023 15:19

Completely know where you're coming from, it's the main reason I hate play groups! If it helps my DD is now 14 months, sat independently at 6 months and like you DD at the same age would take a few steps holding your hand. She started crawling properly at around 10 months (before that she just pulled herself along). She has just this week started walking on her own. Every child is different. I worry because my DD only says mama when she's crying and the only other word she says is peppa 🤦🏼‍♀️. Sounds really daft but any time I feel like I'm being judged I watch the 'baby race' episode of bluey- makes you realise every baby is different and you have nothing to worry about xx

Original poster

Mylittlebirdie02 · 28/04/2023 15:22

@Acheybreakyhead I love that! I will be using that one next time!

@SmurfHaribos that's a fab way to look at it, thank you!

@Gabby10 thank you for sharing your experience xx

OP posts:

Hazelnuttella · 28/04/2023 15:22

Sorry about the loss of your son OP.

I think a lot of new parents (I was probably guilty of it too) are just super obsessed about their children’s milestones and lack the awareness that no-one else really cares about the minutia of their child’s development.

Maybe they were just struggling to think of something to say, and trying to take an interest in your DD.

People are very odd with offering unsolicited opinions on babies. I was simultaneously told that my DS was very big for his age, then someone else told me he was very small for his age. Try to have a mindset of assuming that all unsolicited comments are complete nonsense.

ApocalypseNowt · 28/04/2023 15:27

I think I'd have said (at least in my head): "Aw, maybe she's trying to get away from you!"

I am an arsehole though

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 28/04/2023 15:42

YANBU and I'm sorry to hear about your first child. Competitive parents are a nightmare and I think the comment from the Mum was unkind or at least thoughtless. I would recommend that you have a few stock phrases such as children develop at their own rate and I have no concerns. Don't buy into the comparisons as it is a waste of energy.

My DD is at uni now but some people always like to compare on walking, talking, potty training, reading ability then you get into 11+, exams and uni. Just remember that all children get there in their own time and they will reach their milestones before school. It doesn't matter if there is a 3 - 6 month difference between children.

I wish someone had said to me that as long as your child is happy at school, concentrate on reading every day and try to nail time tables by year 4 all will be fine.

Fairyliz · 28/04/2023 15:48

I think you need to cultivate a laid back jokey/sarcastic demeanour.
Say something like ‘god no I don’t want her crawling yet and getting into everything. I usually tie her to the chair to stop her moving’.

MojoMoon · 28/04/2023 15:51

Sorry about your son.

Parents might be competitive but equally, they are often just trying to find something to engage in conversation about and to be honest, what else is there to talk about re a small child other than what they can do? Possibly compliment your choice of outfits for them but otherwise small kids are not very exciting things to converse about.

So maybe she was having a dig, but she may well have just been trying to find something to say and a bit thoughtless.

We all think people are thinking about us a lot more than they are - people's behavior is very often not about you but we naturally assume that it is (about all sorts of things).

mackthepony · 28/04/2023 15:52

Sorry for your loss, little bird 💐💐

Yeah other parents can be mega competitive and insensitive. They'll find ANYTHING to brag about.

I make sure to avoid them!!

ThisOneNow · 28/04/2023 15:55

I'm so sorry about your son. Our DC1 died when she was 2 months old and I often felt so isolated from other mums when I had DC2, as my experiences were so different from theirs. My DC2 was also a very slow mover and I was so worried that he was damaged in some way from all the stress I had when pregnant. I was in similar situations a few times and tended to say things like "isn't it so interesting that babies seen to have their own interests so early - DS just loves watching people but isn't so much into moving yet".

It's really tough though - I found that my gut wrenching feeling of loss from our DD seeped into every part of my life, making me very sensitive to feeling like I was "losing" at parenting. I still get that a bit but it really helped me to notice how much grief was amplifying those feelings.

DS is 5 now and is pretty active but still seems very focused on people - very chatting to anyone who will listen!

JennyForeigner · 28/04/2023 15:59

I am sorry too.

We have a very slow baby. Lovely, but slow - he just apparently cba with things like standing. The longer we know him, the more we think he is perfect in every way. Just a chilled out charming little dude. I would just laugh now if someone suggested he is anything else.

It's amazing how quickly the competitiveness stops when people don't get a rise.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/04/2023 16:05

I remember responding to someone who was like this with something like "oh my goodness, having such a mobile baby before they develop some common sense and caution must be so hard! Such a big risk of knocking their poor little heads, how do you cope?"

Their facia expression was priceless...

Also, my slow to walk DS is an always on the go 13 year old now.

Lcb123 · 28/04/2023 16:30

Sorry for your loss. Babies, like adults, are all different and their development is individual. So bizarre to be competitive. I think you need to laugh it off and not let it get to you,

Original poster

Mylittlebirdie02 · 28/04/2023 16:39

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It's useful to get how others have responded so I can feel a bit more prepared next time!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mylittlebirdie02 · 28/04/2023 16:40

@ThisOneNow I'm so sorry for your loss too. DD is exactly like your daughter, she LOVES people! Adult or baby, she doesn't care but she will try her hardest to engage with them!

OP posts:

Nevermind31 · 28/04/2023 16:42

What is your baby’s current interest/ strength?
my baby is crawling….

oh dear, so early? How are you coping with that? Such hard work…. Mine is really good at taking her socks off at the moment/ doing a face plant in belly time/ eating broccoli…

or… how wonderful for you - such a milestone!

and just know that each child is different, and it had nothing to do with parenting. At all (even if you read them tons of books every day - it is not going to speed up their speaking)

Undethetree · 28/04/2023 16:45

This sounds hard and yes, some people are insufferable.

I'll be honest, when on mat leave I struggled to know what to say to people at baby groups and sometimes commented on things like the size of their newborn or asked whether their child was crawling yet. I was just genuinely interested in their kids and their experiences. I am not competitive, honestly don't understand people who actually brag about a baby doing baby things (in fact my own child was late with all their milestones). I was just thinking of something to say. It upsets me now to think that I might have (probably did) upset people through lack of awareness.

I am sure that some people will be making it a competition, others will just be chatting in a self-absorbed way or just wanting to talk to to you. Or they might be more anxious about their own child than they are letting on. It might be worth telling them how you feel about it if it's someone you want to be friends with (if you feel able to).

Congratulations on your baby and I hope you find more people you click with as time goes on.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/04/2023 16:54

My baby didn't crawl til 10 months and walk til 15 or 16 months. But could cycle at their 3rd birthday. Every single person has things they 'get' earlier and things they 'get' later. My child is very cautious and still 'late' on some things, because they like to be absolutely sure they arent going to get hurt. And that's their personality and that's fine.

But I think logically you know all this. And it shows a lot of self awareness to realise it's probably because of what happened to your eldest child. I think it's natural for some people to compare and it's natural to want your child to be the 'best' / earliest. However you do need to work at stopping letting this bother you. Have a standard phrase like 'yes they're all different aren't they' and then change the subject. And be happy in the knowledge that you're not so insecure that you have to make yourself feel better by going round implying there is something wrong with other peoples babies, like other poor people seem to be

PartTimer923 · 28/04/2023 16:56

Everything at this age is swings and roundabouts. One of my DCs was a quick mover and the other DC was happy to sit and watch the world go by and had little interest in walking around until much much later. Now to look at them, you wouldn't be able to tell who was the early mover and who was the sitter.

Babies abilities even out very, very quickly. It's not like all the kids who crawl early are destined to be CEOs and the late crawlers are doomed to a life on the dole.

Everyone will have their own struggles re sitting/rolling/crawling/walking/talking/eating/sleeping etc etc etc. Let the other mum have her proud moments. Perhaps she is feeling insecure or struggling in a different area.

Soproudoflionesses · 28/04/2023 16:56

Sorry about your son op.

But seriously, don"t give this a 2nd thought - your baby will get there in her own time as they all do.
I used to stress over stuff like this, still got a friend who tries to compare our kods and they are 11 so l just don't tell her stuff any more

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