AIBU to find it hard being around 'competitive parents'

[Mylittlebirdie02]

DD is 8.5 months old. I'm admittedly a very anxious parent as our first child was born with very severe cerebral palsy passed away at only a few months old. I try to not worry about DD meeting milestones, but I think because our son couldn't meet them, it does make me slightly more aware of things.
Today we went to a play gym and got chatting to another mum with a baby who turned 9 months yesterday. Her little girl was crawling around and pulling herself up on things. The mum made a comment about my DD who was just sitting, saying 'ooh, can she not move yet?' and started telling me her DD had been crawling for 'quite some time'. I know she probably didn't mean anything by it, but it still put a lump in my throat. I know it's because of my own internal worries.
DD has been sitting independently since 6 months old. She isn't yet crawling/bum shuffling (and is getting frustrated at this!) She wants us to support her standing on her feet all of the time, and when we do she will walk with us holding her for a few steps before she sits down.
After she mentioned DD not moving we kept playing and chatting, but I felt a bit deflated the rest of the session. I'm so proud of DD and everything she can do so far, and I know she's still young and will do things in her own time. I think I'm just feeling a bit sensitive now.
AIBU to feel this way, or do others feel/have felt similar?

Try not to worry. I know it’s bloody hard when you have anxiety. Mine all crawled and walked pretty early but my god it was stressful trying to stop them hurting themselves and falling off things. My dh has children from a previous relationship and likes to tell me how they both were late walkers/ crawlers and how much easier they were. They are both extremely clever and fit young adults who’ve done very well.

I have just had the chance to read through these. Thank you for any kind comments, insights and experiences. I really appreciate what everyone has said.
After reading your comments and talking to DH, I do feel silly for even letting it slightly bother me. I know I need to work harder on reducing my anxiety around DD's development, it comes from a place of absolute adoring love and just wanting her to have the best life!
Thank you all again

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I know what you mean. I have a relative, despite knowing my kids have developmental delays/additional needs she still needs to do this oneupmanship. I couldn’t care less when my kids did things especially as I was ‘slow’ myself but turned out ok. But I found her comments to be quite bitchy rather than competitiveness almost like rubbing it in. E.g. I told her to that my dc managed to get potty training done in x weeks, it wasn’t boasting I was literally telling her my relief dc managed to get there in the end, but instead of saying great she told me her gifted and talented child did it in a day forgetting to mention she had been on off training him since he was one and only got it around the same age as my developmentally delayed dc. I just went low contact with her because she is a toxic person in general and didn’t want her affecting me the way she was as there were alot of things affecting my mental health at the time due to toxic people and figured I don’t want that energy around me.

It could easily reverse. My DD was one of the first of her bunch to be pulling herself up on things, and about the last to actually walk. They all do things quite differently.

Your little girl will probably go straight to walking, I have known this to happen x

Literally this stuff makes no difference to their long term outcomes, and anyone who thinks their precious darling is a genius because they can do things like walking or crawling earlier is daft.

Competitive parenting is boring, although I suspect we are all a bit guilty at times of thinking our darlings are wonderful and accidentally saying it out loud. Your DD sounds just fine, but the trauma of your earlier loss is huge and you should cut yourself an enormous amount of slack if you find yourself worrying. I will say that low dose meds are available and might be worth talking to your GP about if you find yourself really struggling with your feelings of anxiety, they’ve helped so many people find their equilibrium again after a difficult time.

As it happens my DC was early to all the physical milestones. Absolute bloody nightmare, crawling at 5 months, climbing the flipping stairs at 7 months. He is no more “advanced” than any of his peers now. I noticed too that some of the DC of similar ages who could sit but not crawl were better at focussing and playing with toys earlier. It’s always swings and roundabouts.

Please please watch the Bluey episode called "Baby Race." It's a cartoon for kids but it has adult themes woven in beautifully. I cried when I watched it as it's all about how competitive people get, and how none of it matters at all in the long run. It's only about 6 minutes long and on BBC, and it really will change your perspective on things. I wished I could have seen it when my little one was a baby (and incidentally didn't crawl until 11 months!)!

I think people just don't know how little it matters in the long term, and oddly to me grasp for status rather than understanding. I was pretty clueless when I had my first, my mother though was very proud of her linguistic ability as apparently she had been very proud of my early talking . I mean in reality its some form of hyperlexia and I doubt either of us are neurotypical.

My ds1 was pretty late to talk and had assessments, but thankfully caught up and is doing his GCSE's now. None of it mattered, ds2 was just an average little dude.

my oldest is severely autistic. He’s almost 20 and non-verbal. He never met any milestone when expected.He’s also graduating uni this year. A whole year earlier than he should.

I have a child who walked at 9 months, talked in sentences at 15 months. And who is also autistic and struggles to leave the house alone at 17.

what I’m saying is, meeting milestones really doesn’t mean shit. Kids develop at their own rate and it’s no predictor of future success.
I refused to get sucked into the bullshit and I would usually answer questions like that with ‘I don’t know?? I haven’t really noticed’. It TOTALLY throws the competitive ones for a loop.

im sorry for your loss of your son. ❤️

I'm a teacher and just wanted to tell you I often hear lots of bragging from parents during pickup and most of it is wildly exaggerated. Often about book bands and test scores. They are probably the same parents that made other mums feel shit in baby groups.

I used to worry a lot about milestones, but now I have a child who is not talking at 4 and is behind in other areas too (fine physically though). He's awesome. A lovely boy who is very cuddly. I used to obsess about milestones a lot, but now after my son having his issues, i soon learned not to care and just wanted him to be happy.

Plenty of people I know who talked early or walked early have not amounted to anything huge. I apparently read really early at 2, but I am not interested in literature and am in a very average job. Quite a lot of the time early development in one area doesn't make your child a genius.

From experience, what is saying first words and walking first steps for one person is babbling and stumbling with help for another.

The worst offenders are usually trying desperately to shore up their own lack of confidence. I remind myself of this frequently when they boast about how advanced their kids are compared to my autistic ADHD kids. Ffs. When it's particularly bad I consciously think to myself how awful it must be to be so insecure. It helps. Although I have been asked once what was so funny....

I'm so sorry for your loss. And congratulations on your second child.

Btw, neither of my kids walked a step until 19m. The only way I would be able to get my now 8yo DS to stay still these days would be if I nailed his feet to the floor. Neither talked until 3. DS adores making up his own (awful) jokes and puns, and DD tells long, involved stories to the cats about Victorian times. Neither can do much maths, both are selectively mute, both are boundlessly generous.

They're all different. Good luck with the arseholes x

I guess it's a mix as usually we mostly want to be the best or try to achieve the best

My DD was late to sit up/crawl/walk but was an early talker. My friend's DS was the same age and late to talk but very mobile at an early age. I worried about her lack of movement, she worried about his lack of speech. Both children were completely normal and are now adults. Neither of us need have worried at all - they just take their own sweet time.

Also I know in this case you could see she wasn't lying but do bear in mind that people aren't always honest. My friend told me her son slept through at 6 weeks old. Later she admitted she had made that up as she wanted to be seen as doing a good job! I reckon they are insecure and are trying to make themselves feel good about their babies when really there isn't much you can do to make your baby walk quicker!

😂😂 genius!

I'm sorry about your first DC.

I think it's normal to worry a little especially when other babies seem to do things so much earlier and the new parents often say things like how proud they are their baby can walk at 9 months. It's a weird thing to be proud of. If it helps at all my DS didn't walk until 17 months and never crawled only bum shuffled and I couldn't help but compare and feel worried about his gross motor skills. But he's a pre teen now and v athletic with great hand eye coordination. Also he has quite a cautious personality so maybe that played a part. There will be many things your DC will be better at or slower at over the years.

After being overly worried about ds when born and wondering why he isn't running across the garden at 4 months like his 'mates' 😉 (obvious exaggeration but you get my point) with this new baby, I'm going to enjoy them not being able to bugger off when I put them down for as long as it lasts.

Your dd is doing amazing, just ignore the people who try to one up every development milestone, it wil lead to a very anxious and unhappy mum which no one wants.

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss 💐

My sil was like this comparing her ds to my dd. We now have girls born a month apart and she doesn't do it because my dd2 has hit all her milestones well before hers. When she compared her ds to my dd I would tell her to stop. In terms of other people I always say they get there in their own time and they do. Keep this mantra on repeat or you can laugh it off and use a whitty reply.

Parents are thrown together just because they have children, mostly they are tired and just trying to get through. Most will say something inane at times, most parents are anxious about how their child is doing or not. Try and see it for what it is and be confident about your own ability to know if your child is happy ,healthy and developing. You've got many years of this stuff, cut yourself and others some slack (if they otherwise seem nice enoigh)

Comparison really is the thief of joy.

Enjoy your fabulous baby and remember that the competitive parents are simply projecting their own anxieties and insecurities.

Don't worry about these bragging mums . Best advice I was given was don't compare your child to others . By the time they go to school they are all the same . It was true .

They all develop at different rates. As long as he's healthy & happy & giving no cause got concern, don't rise to it. My dgs didn't start walking properly on his own until about 16 months! He took a few steps around his first birthday then decided he preferred to walk around on his knees. He had a speech delay & didn't really start speaking properly until he was over 3. Now at 6 he's always on the go, loves sports & has just got over his stammer & is always chatting. He used to give us sleepless nights worrying about him though

Just ignore, u will come in contact with people whose kids walked at 9 months and toilet trained by 18 months, u will also meet those whose children didn’t walk until they r almost 2 and are wearing nappies to school.

I wish that type would fuck off.

Almost a decade ago, I remember (kindly) sending my friend out of a toddler group to have a ciggie and collect herself while I stayed with our babies because she got so rattled by a particularly bad one while she was struggling with PND.

In their needy validation seeking, the super parents don't care whose feelings they trample.