AIBU to find it hard being around 'competitive parents'

[Mylittlebirdie02]

DD is 8.5 months old. I'm admittedly a very anxious parent as our first child was born with very severe cerebral palsy passed away at only a few months old. I try to not worry about DD meeting milestones, but I think because our son couldn't meet them, it does make me slightly more aware of things.
Today we went to a play gym and got chatting to another mum with a baby who turned 9 months yesterday. Her little girl was crawling around and pulling herself up on things. The mum made a comment about my DD who was just sitting, saying 'ooh, can she not move yet?' and started telling me her DD had been crawling for 'quite some time'. I know she probably didn't mean anything by it, but it still put a lump in my throat. I know it's because of my own internal worries.
DD has been sitting independently since 6 months old. She isn't yet crawling/bum shuffling (and is getting frustrated at this!) She wants us to support her standing on her feet all of the time, and when we do she will walk with us holding her for a few steps before she sits down.
After she mentioned DD not moving we kept playing and chatting, but I felt a bit deflated the rest of the session. I'm so proud of DD and everything she can do so far, and I know she's still young and will do things in her own time. I think I'm just feeling a bit sensitive now.
AIBU to feel this way, or do others feel/have felt similar?

My oldest ds walked at 9 months.. His ds walked at 7 months. Both times of living hell... A late walking ds of mine was 15 months... Much appreciated ime!!

Sorry about you DS.

My 2 DDs were late to crawl and didn’t walk until 14/15 months. Most of their cousins walked around 12 months.

DD2 is off to dance college in Sept. So it certainly didn’t hold her back!

Your DD sounds like such a cutie!!

Unfortunately it carries on forever with some parents the ones who can't compete now seem to be going the other way competing for worst case Just go with the flow and enjoy.

You know better than most OP how precious all babies are and if your DD is healthy and happy then there is nothing more important than that!
leave the comparers to it after all it is the ‘their of joy’ how sad that they feel their child’s worth is tied up in how quickly they walk 🙄

So sorry to hear about you first. My eldest didn't walk until he was 14 months probably because he was picked up and carried. He spoke quite early though.

DS2 walked at 7 months but didn't speak until he was 3. DD walked on her first but and I can't remember when she learnt to talk because I was working.

I'm so sorry about your little boy. My DD1 was oxygen starved at birth so I know the pain of having the birth story and experiences that most don't have.

Try to let other people's comments run off you, you are always going to meet the Mum whose child can walk at six months, use a knife and fork by one and has a degree at 10. There are also those who just don't know what else to say and so end up talking about their kid - it can be tricky at these parents groups especially if you would desperately like to make a new friend but you are incredibly tired and stressed and end up sounding like an idiot.

@Mylittlebirdie02
Its very hard to be in your shoes. I have every sympathy for you. Parents can say insensitive things. However most, if they knew the backstory, would be ashamed of themselves. It’s almost a default conversation. As for not crawling - at your DDs age, that’s not unusual. But you know that. She’s absolutely fine.

If it makes you feel better, hitting early physical milestones means very little. I had one that didn’t take any unaided steps until 14 months. Brain worked pretty well though. So who cares? Your baby is precious and is absolutely fine so just say she’s doing perfectly well. In fact my DD had very good fine motor skills snd amazing concentration at an early age. No one will ever notice that. They only notice potty training and crawling/walking.

My third is 10 months and only just sits too, I’m not worried they all do stuff in their own time. It is really hard when dealing with people like this though and I do really sympathise

I’m in a FB group for my due date (month) so basically kids the same age (they’re almost 4 now). The amount of competitive crap and humble brags I’ve seen there is unreal. “Ohh my 2 year old can count to 50 but can’t do additions yet do you think he’s delayed?” - meanwhile the poor parents of kids that are still non verbal or have very few words…. Starting to walk, speech and potty training were some big (annoying) milestones so be prepared, and now age almost 4 it’s all about “mine can read” 🙄 But no YANBU it’s really irritating.

This goes on and on. And for the most part people don’t mean anything by it; they just like hearing themselves talk about their dc but don’t think about how it’s coming across.

I know this is going to sound awfully patronising, but my ds has asd and I was very triggered by this kind of thing, until I started to think of it as another a sort of social deficit. It opened up a bit of compassion, but helped me see that it was more to do with them than about me/my dc/my parenting.

I mean this kindly but it’s important to find some way to be thicker skinned because you really do need to save your emotional energy.

My son didn't walk independently til he was 18 months. He's now a fitness fanatic and can run for miles.
Just smile and say 'that's great'. Everyone knows there's a wide window for reaching milestones. Walking/crawling/counting to ten 'early' means nothing in the long run.

Honestly - it's so much easier before they start moving - enjoy it!
Seriously though appreciate your concerns and sensitivities and I am sorry for your loss, some things will always be reminders.
Some parents will always be arseholes though. It'll be they toilet trained first / slept through / could write their name/ programme a computer!!! Just eye roll and know they probably don't sleep, poo their pants and throw every meal on the floor ;)

@Mylittlebirdie02 literally, ignore these competitive parents. DS was potty trained at just after 2. DTwins are now 3 and both still in nappies.

Girl twin has excellent speech and numeracy skills. Runs like Phoebe from friends. Really behind emotionally.

Boy twin barely talks. He can. He's just lazy and let's his sister jabber for him. He's nowhere near DD in numeracy skills. But he can throw a ball almost the entire length of the garden, and is much more emotionally secure.

They are the literal example of why competitive parents are idiots. They have the same environment and same parents, yet both far ahead and far behind each other in different ways. Through nothing I've done. Each child is different. The fact that DS could walk well before DD means bugger all, why on earth would I try to brag about that? One of them has to be first.

These parents honestly just sound like fools. Your DC will be the first to do some things, and the last to do others. Just because. But breathe in relief, that at least she hasn't got a twatty mum who thinks they have to "win" against every other mother out there, because a baby that rolls over before little Derek next door, must be destined for great things.

Enjoy your DD, she's going to do just fine

I don't think I have met a child that does the same things at the same time as other children, I would rather parents talk to me about their children than not

I don't take it as competition just parents talking, it does nor have to be about me (well when my child was little that is)

You have to wonder if parents who are boastful about their high achieving babies and toddlers end up feeling disappointed if their kids end up being average at things.

I think there are some parents who are particularly competitive during this baby stage, simply because they're probably pretty anxious themselves about things and comfort themselves with things their babies can do.
I'm really sorry for the loss of your son.

You have years of this yet to come OP, so buckle up.

Parenthood seems to turn some people into insufferable twats who lose the ability to think before they engage their mouths.

My favourite ever was a friend I made when ds was a toddler. She was competitive about everything.

She totally outdid herself when both boys had a stomach bug one week. When it was over, I said to her that it was a bit exhausting having to change the bedsheets when he was particularly sick one night.

“Oh no!” She said all wide eyed, “I’m afraid I have never experienced that. My ds has always been marvellous at aiming into a bucket when he is sick. Is there something wrong with your ds coordination?”

That was pretty special, even for her.

And I am so very sorry about the loss of your child, OP.

DTwins here as well.

1 crawled at 7 months and could climb the stairs, the other didn’t walk til 18 months people would ask me what was ‘wrong’ with the other one. I just smiled.

For the record the late walker is an A* student the other not so much.

Just change the conversation to the news or gin.

DD1 sat beautifully at 6 months, crawled at 9/10 months and walked at 15/16 months.
Dd2 crawled at 5 months, walked at 8 months, and didn't sit reliably (because she always tried to crawl off I suspect) until 11 months.

Firstly, I think dd2 is slightly more sporty than dd1, but not significantly.
Secondly it was a total nightmare her moving. Dd1 had some common sense by the time she moved. Dd2 didn't. She'd crawl at speed into a wall, off the edge of things, into holes she couldn't get out. She'd been walking a week when I turned round to find her balancing on the back of the sofa next to the window. She must have got up in split second time because I'd only turned my back to tie dd1's shoelace.
It took dd1 until she was nearly 18 months to work out she could get off the sofa by herself without asking me to pick her up. 🤣 Enjoy the sitting nicely and not moving. It's lovely.

OP really don’t worry about your son . Don’t let one insensitive comment upset you.
Many babies actually miss out crawling altogether,

Have a wee watch of Bluey- baby race. Be prepared to become a bit addicted to bluey and have a cry at a kids program though! This kind of parenting mostly comes from anxiety and can become insufferable.

I was very naive to it all when my DS was young as his speech was always so advanced that people commented on that. It wasn't until I had my second who barely said a word until 3 that I felt the shame of my baby not meeting milestones. Turns out DS1 has excessive talking as a symptom of his ADHD and DS2 is a wonderful hilarious little introvert who talks on his own terms. It's so hard not to compare but sounds like your little one is focusing on communication over gross motor skills at the moment.

"Good for him" "good for her" "Good for you!" Etc I totally get this and now I've had another child I really no longer care!! My first was probably far more advanced but my second is much more joyful and relaxed. They all have different qualities. Children learn to walk, talk read - you don't get a special medal for doing it early

You’ve been through something truly traumatic and I’m not surprised the hurt is manifesting in all sorts of different and unexpected ways.
I really feel that people that boast about their children in that way are themselves often coming from a place of insecurity.

So sorry for your first child, and to the others here who've shared a similar experience. I can only imagine the pain of that and the anxiety it brings to your second.....but key is not to listen to them.

Don't listen to anyone else, all in their own time. My first barely moved until about 10 months old, and sat independently at 6/7months, walked at 14 months...My second was very competent crawler but didn't walk until 20 and bit months. Swings and roundabouts.
Some people just can't help themselves that way. No insight as to their comments. When they get older it's all oh my child is so developed they're aged 10 clothes at 6....oh do piss off! 🙄

Enjoy the rest of your mat leave: spend it with people who like cake and chatting not about babies. It's what saw me through!