Football mad husband...

[Mercuryfreddie]

For context, DH is the assistant manager for the local amateur league men's team in our town. They usually train one night mid week and have a game every Saturday during the season. He is also a massive Man City fan and HAS to watch every single game either at home, at a friends or at the pub. He will go to the match if he manages to get tickets. My issue is not with any of this as I've always appreciated it's his hobby.

My issue is that our nights and weekends revolve around football. We hardly get any time as a family on a weekend as Saturday he's out from around lunchtime till normally 7/8pm, depending on where they have played and how long they've stayed at the pub afterwards. Sunday it will be "let's go out for a nice day but we need to be home by 1pm so I can watch the match...".

DH is very hands on with the kids and always gives me the opportunity to do something for me but this still always seems to revolve around football. I'm finding things harder now we have 3 children, the youngest being 1 and feel resentful football seems to come before us.

DH is taking next week off work with the bank holidays but I can't take any time off as another colleague has next week off and there isn't enough staff to cover (slightly peeved as I use all my annual leave for the school holidays but that's a different thread altogether...)

It's my birthday on Thursday and DH mentioned tonight he is playing football this Saturday, next Tuesday night, next Thursday night, next Friday night and next Saturday... apparently it's the end of the season and they need to cram some important games in. I mentioned it was my birthday and he said oh I thought your birthday was Wednesday and I'm sure we could just do something another night.

Obviously we could but I guess I'm annoyed that he has the week off work whilst I'm at work then he'll be rushing out the door to play football and drink with 'the lads' as soon as I walk through the door whilst I'm left to do bedtime and also spend my birthday night home on my own.

AIBU?

Why are you putting up with this shite?

Why did you have 3 kids with him?

If he read it written down like that, would it help him to see just how much his hobby is costing you?

I'm absolutely a football fan. Go to matches live and on TV. Have lots of conversations about football. Used to go to all the kids' games.

And I completely and utterly think your husband is being unreasonable.

There is having a hobby and completely abdicating from your marriage and family life. And your husband has crossed that line.

I do think many men will take advantage of your good nature but you have to put down some boundaries. Make it clear it's not controlling or nagging. If he tries to say any of that shit, just say calmly that you are very reasonable and accepting of his hobby and you rarely put your foot down, but his prioritising a game over your birthday is unacceptable and shows no care or respect for you. Be clear that you won't put up with it.

He is brilliant in so many other ways, he's hardworking, does plenty round the house but it's just football... I thought he would grow out of it as he's in his early 30s and I thought he would step back after having children but these past few months, footballs just taking over more and more.

We've had a falling out about it tonight as all his friends, also with wives and young children, play so DH can't see the problem...

I love football too, but I agree with pp who said he should see it written down. Also, how would your schedule look if you had a comparable hobby?

He also said as its the end of season, it's a one off as normally it is just a mid week match or training and a Saturday. I understand that but also wish he would just think maybe I'll miss this match as it's her birthday 😔
After talking to him about it he said he would miss it if I wanted him to miss the match on Thursday night but the point is I want him to miss it as he wants to spend my birthday with me iyswim

@Mercuryfreddie

So he tells you.

Either they are door mats as well or he's lying

Do you go out once a week and every Sunday?

What would happen if you took up a hobby that had you out if the house the same times as him?

I think he’s being a bit unreasonable with the watching it bit. The rest is tricky, it’s his hobby and when you play/manage a team you can’t just drop out of that commitment. Equally you can’t ignore your family too so something else should give, the watching on TV being obvious.

I sympathise with the end of season thing though, DS has training Monday, game Tuesday, game Saturday and game Sunday each week at the moment 😂

Why on earth is he taking a week off work when the kids are in school/nursery?
Will he at least be doing housework, laundry food shopping and cooking?
If my questions don’t have good answers you have yourself a wrong un.

Start logging his football hours per week. Say you would like similar hours off.

One of my good friends, her DH is also on the team and she feels the same way. Although I don't know how she feels about this week. We went for a coffee last week and got talking about football and she said she sometimes feels like a single parent during the football season. Her DH has discussed this being his last season as he recognises the impact it has on family life but my DH doesn't want to give it up.

We've had arguments in the past about the time football takes up and he always throws a strop and says he'll just quit and be miserable and have no hobbies 🙄

I've tried to compromise and say maybe he could do a midweek one week and a Saturday the next but he always manages to get into going all the time. Or with Man City if we go for a full day out he always gets his phone out to watch the match on his phone

I guess I'm struggling as I've always known and accepted football is a big part of him but he can't seem to see that with a family, you need to sometimes make some sacrifices with it

He's allowed a hobby.

He's not allowed to allow it to dictate your whole family life or put it first every single time

Or neglect you and the kids in favour of it.

@Botw1 I started making plans every Sunday for myself but then we weren't getting any family time on a weekend.

@ChristineCricket his argument is my mum has recently moved closer and admittedly she does help out a lot during the holidays but she isn't always available. He has a long list of DIY jobs and he will do all the housework and sorting kids up until the point I get home from work then I'll do bedtimes

@Mercuryfreddie

So you'll give up your time to have family time but he won't?

How do you see this being resolved?

As he's said he'll miss a match this week because of your birthday, I think you should take him up on that. Saying "but I want him to want to give it up" is cutting off your nose to spite your face IMO. Grab the offer with both hands!

What happens after the football season ends?

Your husband is a selfish dick.

A hobby is something you do maybe once a week. His family should come first.

Why do some women put up with this crap?

"I thought he would grow out of it as he's in his early 30s and I thought he would step back after having children".

I'm sorry but that is really silly. Why do women do this, they are their own worst enemies. Whether it's marrying someone who is a workaholic, who is this it that. It's just stupid. Dh is football mad. Never bothered me.

This makes the point very well. It’s one night too many this week - your birthday.

Late 30's male here. I like football too. I have a young family, two children. I watch a fair few Champions League games if it's an interesting tie (usually just see the second halves though after I've got one of the two to bed, wife is dealing with the other), enjoyed the odd World Cup game at the end of last year, other than that, I just watch Match of the Day when the kids are asleep for my football fix. I used to watch more games but now my family is my priority and something has to give.

Gym 3 times a week is my hobby which is around 4 hours a week including travel... It is important to me but it took me over five years after my first was born to recognise I needed to do something for ME and to make that time, I'm guilty of putting my needs last and I definitely felt parental burnout in the end.

It's not a "hobby" though, is it?

It's a full-blown addiction that takes priority before everything - his wife, his kids - and woe betide anyone who comes between him and his football. I've heard men say "football is my life" and mean it.

It's pathetic.

LTB

OP your post in total summarises why I am divorced!

As soon as the season ends can you be out every night of the week? Maybe take up tennis etc and see how he feels. Do something every Saturday for the day. But you wont do this as you want to be with your family which is very normal.
I think it's either being involved with a local team or Man City stuff but not both.