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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Football mad husband...

54 replies

Mercuryfreddie · 27/04/2023 20:40

For context, DH is the assistant manager for the local amateur league men's team in our town. They usually train one night mid week and have a game every Saturday during the season. He is also a massive Man City fan and HAS to watch every single game either at home, at a friends or at the pub. He will go to the match if he manages to get tickets. My issue is not with any of this as I've always appreciated it's his hobby.

My issue is that our nights and weekends revolve around football. We hardly get any time as a family on a weekend as Saturday he's out from around lunchtime till normally 7/8pm, depending on where they have played and how long they've stayed at the pub afterwards. Sunday it will be "let's go out for a nice day but we need to be home by 1pm so I can watch the match...".

DH is very hands on with the kids and always gives me the opportunity to do something for me but this still always seems to revolve around football. I'm finding things harder now we have 3 children, the youngest being 1 and feel resentful football seems to come before us.

DH is taking next week off work with the bank holidays but I can't take any time off as another colleague has next week off and there isn't enough staff to cover (slightly peeved as I use all my annual leave for the school holidays but that's a different thread altogether...)

It's my birthday on Thursday and DH mentioned tonight he is playing football this Saturday, next Tuesday night, next Thursday night, next Friday night and next Saturday... apparently it's the end of the season and they need to cram some important games in. I mentioned it was my birthday and he said oh I thought your birthday was Wednesday and I'm sure we could just do something another night.

Obviously we could but I guess I'm annoyed that he has the week off work whilst I'm at work then he'll be rushing out the door to play football and drink with 'the lads' as soon as I walk through the door whilst I'm left to do bedtime and also spend my birthday night home on my own.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/04/2023 21:35

Why did you think it would change? Yabu to have had three kids with someone who doesn’t prioritise you or your family

clary · 27/04/2023 21:42

Yes I agree with others. My husband is a massive footy fan and has been for as long as I have known him; he goes to every match he possibly can (which is most of them). Like you, I am totally fine with this as his hobby. He's at the match tonight (real 6-pointer) tho unlike your DH he doesn't play.

I think your DH is being unreasonable and I rarely say this about footy. I know, I really do, how important it is, but that amount of matches and taking a week off when the kids re not on holiday, apparently so he can play every other night, and missing your birthday, is really not on.

LTB is ridiculous of course, but I would try to bring this up with him and discuss, for sure. Make it clear that you do not have an issue in general, but this wrt your birthday in particular and the number of matches this week, is not OK.

ChristineCricket · 27/04/2023 21:51

My only advice if you stay with him is to make sure all the children do football and he takes them, maybe coaches etc

LlynTegid · 27/04/2023 22:05

I think the Man City bit should be reduced, not the managing of an amateur team.

piedbeauty · 27/04/2023 22:28

He's being totally selfish and unfair. What time do YOU get to yourself? He's got dc now and he needs to wind in his hobbies so he can parent equally. What a twit. You should have equal hobby time as he does.

I'm not surprised you're hurt about your birthday too.

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 27/04/2023 22:34

No this wouldn’t fly with me. DH is a keen cyclist and likes football. I have to put my foot down and do frequently. If it were up to him he’d be out all Monday night, Tuesday night, Saturday morning playing football and cycling all Sunday morning. Plus watching it on tv incessantly. We also have three kids at home.

MsWhitworth · 27/04/2023 22:47

Why is it always fucking men who are like this?

TomatoSandwiches · 27/04/2023 22:58

MsWhitworth · 27/04/2023 22:47

Why is it always fucking men who are like this?

Because they quite often were raised in a society where they only have to consider themselves, family time/work is for women, having a family IS a womans hobby didn't

TomatoSandwiches · 27/04/2023 22:59

You know*

Thelittlekingdom · 28/04/2023 06:30

My DH is a huge football fan. He used to play but doesn’t as he injured himself too many times. He has however got our son into football.

Why is he taking a week off without the kids? I think you need to have a long talk about his selfishness. Does he understand how selfish he’s being?

Poopoolittlekitten · 28/04/2023 06:38

‘Why did you think it would change? Yabu to have had three kids with someone who doesn’t prioritise you or your family’

er
because most people’s lives and routines and priorities DO after kids???

My dad was the same but managed to find a balance… he’s still football mad but would NEVER have behaved like this. Although I remember Saturday’s where he was desperately trying to avoid seeing scores so he could watch the match he’d missed or March of the Day because he’d been with us all day doing other stuff…

Poopoolittlekitten · 28/04/2023 06:39

What about the rest of the week - that week off, is he looking after the kids before the evening football stuff?

PragmaticWench · 28/04/2023 06:48

So you can never take the children for a day out together at the weekend? I think that's pretty shit for your family.

EVHead · 28/04/2023 06:49

To him you are “Mum”. He can live like a kid who doesn’t have to think about much else than football. “Mum” will deal with everything else.

GoodChat · 28/04/2023 06:50

Tell him you want to do your birthday celebrations on Sunday. All day.

How does he cope when he has football on Man City match days if he goes every Saturday?

Poopoolittlekitten · 28/04/2023 06:52

If he’s off though, then he can get kids up,
do breakfast, school, pick them up and do something with them pre-bedtime and give you some time?
I would tell him that no he can’t play on your birthday. You either all do something together than night, or he has the kids so you can go out with friends.
personally, I would maybe have an early family tea at home then go for a drink with a friend!

ACynicalDad · 28/04/2023 06:57

He days his mates like football but do all his mates do all the strands of football he does? I frequently miss first halves for bedtime or whole matches when we’re out and I’ll usually only get the goal flashes on my phone. I’m not addicted like he is, but still he’s a man child. Maybe next season he should be an adhoc coach who goes to training not an assistant manager who goes to everything?

Mindymomo · 28/04/2023 06:59

Football has/is massive to my DH. When we met he played Sat and Sunday and trained twice a week in the evenings. After about 5 years he had a knee operation and was told no more football, so he took up snooker, played every Sunday morning and most Saturday nights which I went to. Fast forward to having 2 sons, my DH took over running their respective football teams and did this for around 12 years, so this was our weekends for many years, I looked after the finances and paperwork. He did this whilst also being a season ticket holder at Tottenham. We are older and Sons are adults now, but still holidays and weekends revolve around football. If birthdays are when football is on, we go out another time. All our extended family are the same, get togethers are arranged around football.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 28/04/2023 07:00

Absolute piss-take.

Some of this would be acceptable on its own, if he’s committed to his local team then he needs to fulfil that. The rest of it is just an insult to your family, insisting on watching every single City game and taking leave when the kids are in school is utterly selfish.

Shoxfordian · 28/04/2023 07:05

@Poopoolittlekitten Yeah most people do but this dh hasn’t; he didn’t change after the first kid so why would he after two more? He’s acting like a single man still

Doversole7 · 28/04/2023 07:12

Your mistake was “thinking” he wound change instead of having discussions around it.

Nothing much you can do really as it seems unlikely he will do anything about it and by saying “I will miss a game if YOU want me to” he has given you the guilt trip.

Season is over soon though so at least you will get some respite.

Coffeesnob11 · 28/04/2023 07:12

I don't get why he can't record the matches he usually watches and then not look at his phone until you are home and he can watch it. I know plenty of people who flow formula one, football, rugby, golf etc who regularly go out for days with their family, record the event and manage to stay off of any social media and news until the kids are in bed.
He has also put you in an impossible situation, if you ask him to miss it for your birthday is he going to sit there with a face like a dog chewing a wasp because he is not at the game. Will he obsessively check his phone as x will be updating him? He admitted to either forgetting when your birthday is or not caring enough. Something needs to change for you all and fast he is being supremely selfish.

Eylis · 28/04/2023 07:13

Big game against Real Madrid on Tuesday night just warning 😅

Simonjt · 28/04/2023 07:14

The season is over soon, my husbands team are behind of fixtures as is the league in general, so they’re cramming more games in than usual. He would normally have training once a week and a match on Saturday, at the moment they have matches on Wednesday and Saturday. If I didn’t want to marry someone who plays football, I wouldn’t have dated someone who plays it, as if they need to change be the right partner, that shows they’re the wrong partner.

AnneElliott · 28/04/2023 07:29

You say he does a lot for the kids op but where does he find the time! If he's working and then his hobby I can't see where the kids fit in let alone you.

Of course he should miss the match for your birthday. I assume though he's always been like this?