To kick off with my husband?

[MonkeyBollocks]

Who has just had a 10 minute moan at our son for finishing porridge oats and butter last night whilst making flapjacks?

DS was up late (he’s 19) and he’s made himself flapjacks. He’s used the rest of the porridge oats and most of the butter. I don’t care. Someone’s going to finish them. But DH has been moaning at him and now the mood’s fucked in the house and DS got upset and went up to his room.
DS has anxiety and OCD and can fixate on stuff. It’s his home and I think he should be able to eat what the fuck he likes!

I’m a minute away from kicking off with DH. AIBU?

Really???? He's loving rent free, with free food & bills at 19 and is helping himself to whatever he likes. At 19 I'd lived alone, paid rent, council tax, bills & food myself for 2 years and I'd had a mortgage for a year.

OP's said he's not in a position to work more so congratulations for everything you achieved at a young age but that's not so easy for everyone.

I also highly doubt you'd have managed to get a mortgage at 18 if you were trying to now.

My own Mum is exactly the same with my older brother (43) and my nephew (23). Anything either of them have ever done wrong she just giggles, rolls her eyes and says "What's he like?!" Followed by more laughing.
If I ever did anything even slightly out of order and I was a "BITCH!!"

According to who though? I too am currently unable to work due to a physical disability so I'm not shaming anyone in that situation; I'm just asking if it's just in OP's opinion? Perhaps he's just being babied by OP?
Either way, regardless of working, my point was in response to the above PP who said "Awww I really feel for him" I wasn't actually commenting on his ability to work. Nobody knows that other than him.

Also re: Mortgages, I do know of a 19yr old who has just obtained a mortgage but did require help from parents. May not be true though, she was just bragging about it on TikTok.

FWIW I ended up losing the house when DH died so I'm back to renting now!

Moany old bastard

Unless food it earmarked for something or someone specifically then someone is likely to finish it off at some point. Is your dh the only person who gets to finish food ffs

Honestly, anxiety is the new buzz word. Everyone seems to have it now and it seems to be used as a reason to be indulged on all levels.

He’s nineteen, he’s not a child. Is he genuinely incapable of work? Does he claim disability benefits and is he on ESA or its equivolent?

Because tbh it sounds like the OP is one of those parents who has over indulged him to the extent he can do no wrong and God help anyone who expects this grown adult to start taking some responsibility for his actions.

Kids are more babied in general now. I’ve a ds and a dd. Neither will have a mortgage at 19 as they will both be at uni. And my ds is far more likely to be conscientious about asking/replacing what he has used than dd (although I wouldn’t expect it from either of them because we don’t police food intake in our house).

In op’s situation dh is kicking off because her ds has used up the last of two items, neither of which he needs this morning. He’s essentially causing a massive fuss over nothing. I’d be very interested to know who actually does the shopping and what exactly about this situation is triggering him so much that he’s decided it’s worth ruining everyone’s morning.

Your husband is probably less irritated about oats than about having to get up for work while his son sleeps late, barely works and does not contribute financially. He is probably wondering HOW LONG IS THIS GOING ON?

I suspect this is the straw that broke the camel’s back in terms of the DS’ inconsiderate behaviour.

I don’t necessarily think that having a mortgage at nineteen is the norm now but becoming independent definitely is, and should be. We need to move away from this belief that children remain children until 25 or so, the age seems to increase year on year and is used for grown adults to justify their not behaving like adults.

Look at the relationships boards and the number of posts on there from women whose partners and husbands do absolutely nothing around the house, have no consideration for the OP or their children, and the it transpires that their mother did everything for them until they left home.

That’s going to be the OPs DS.

And I guarantee that if it had been the DH who had used up food without telling the OP the responses would have been vastly different.

Well, there is a first time for everything and that is the first time I have seen flapjacks endorsed on Mumsnet as a healthy breakfast food.

Morning all.

Thank you to the posters who managed to respond with non-judgemental and supportive messages - and apologies that I seem to have hit a nerve for some!

All resolved here so I hope the people who seem to be very agitated on this thread don't let it ruin their day.

@kingtamponthefurred , @MayThe4th . I sort of agree with you. While the flapjacks/butter/oats saga is probably a non-issue blown out of proportion, you do wonder how young people, especially young men, who don't pull their weight and whom their parents tiptoe around in terms of never being harsh to them or expecting them to contribute are going to evolve into capable adults able to take responsibility for themselves and for children if they have them. A lot of young adults get a somewhat rude awakening (but in supported circumstances) when they move out or leave home for university/further study and are thrown into having to take care of themselves and budget responsibly. I imagine it's more difficult for the parent-child relationship to evolve appropriately if a young adult just stays living in the family home expecting the same level of 'service' as you'd provide for a dependent child and never leaves.

19 is still quite young... it's not as if he's 45 and expecting his laundry to be done by his aged mother 😂. But I don't think it's unreasonable for one parent to baulk and feel slightly impatient at the prospect of supporting an adult in 'extended childhood' indefinitely, when they may feel that it is time for the relationship to evolve.

But as considerate adults in the house (DS should be included in that) You wouldn’t just use the last of something when there was previously loads left, butter is the thing here, in our house it would be needed for toast or to make pack up, both things needed first thing the next morning. It’s the ‘well that’s someone else’s problem’ that wouldn’t wash in this house. I’d be annoyed about it too, but only if it was needed that morning.

if it wasn’t needed that morning but DS didn’t nip to the shop to replace it for later in the day (when it would be needed), and just expect someone else make a special trip just for that, that would be another big problem I’d be taking issue with.

it’s about basic consideration for each other really.

I am not sure I understand your post...are you saying flapjacks are less healthy than say toast or cereal? Even if they were it's not going to screw the husbands health for eating them 1 day 🤣

Son has anxiety and OCD...

No idea why that would be rolls eyes

Calm it down. It isn't a catastrophe. No wonder son is a nervous wreck. I can't imagine living with parents that are so emotionally bleurgh

At the same time, he is 19. He needs to take some responsibility and realise maybe he should think about other people too. Don't fragilise him.

Everyone in this scenario seems to be sensitive and need to get a grip tbh. Why doesn't someone (ANYONE) just go out and get some more bits? Wouldn't it be much less stressful and hassle? Maybe I am missing something.

@Moreorlessmentallystable "are you saying flapjacks are less healthy than say toast or cereal? Even if they were "

Are you suggesting they aren't less healthy!? They are massively unhealthy! packed with sugar, butter etc. Not saying your point isn't valid, but they are demonstrably less healthy!

Most cereals are packed with sugar, same goes for yogurt, and most people put jam on toast for breakfast all VERY common options for breakfast. I am not saying I would go for that as a first choice but I would not be shocked if someone said they have a flapjack for breakfast! I also would not be kicking off if that was the only option for ONE morning, it is such a non issue! The way you worded it like you have seen it all now that someone could possibly suggest to have a flapjack for breakfast just shows how out of touch with reality you are 🤣

She doesn’t like that pointed out though 🤔

Either she genuinely doesn’t see the correlation or she feels so guilty about it she doesn’t want to acknowledge it.

He doesn't even eat the stuff??? So he is just purposely being nasty to your son? I wouldn't be kicking off I'd be kicking out

This