I feel trapped and miss my past life.
My DH and I lived in EU country (as expats/immigrants) and we were totally fine there. We rented 2 bedroom apartment at the corner of beautiful park, commute to work was 20 minutes, life was safe and stable. We could afford travel long-distance once per year and made some short-distance local weekend trips. We didn't own a car or ate out much (though went to coffee places a lot). I loved my job and colleagues. I felt like a piece of jigsaw puzzle that fitted to the whole picture. I need to admit we were a bit lonely (I blame pandemic for that) and getting mortgage was challenging without moving further away.
But my DH got an offer that required relocation to the UK. It was his dream job. I didn't want to move. But after many many fights I agreed. My main point was that I didn't want to be a single mother (we had a baby back then who is in Reception now). Being a single mother would have been challenging economically, though manageable but almost impossible mentally for me back then. My DH never tried hard to integrate in that country, he is a good person and a loving father but he felt limited there. He wanted bigger career (he had a decent job but wanted more), bigger city, more sport events. However he has never tried to do many job interviews in that EU country, he has never tried to travel to other city for a sport event or join any club. So I think he had some sort of irrational prejudice. After all, pandemic wasn't a best time to integrate.
So we are here, in London. DH loves his job, our kid thrives. We live in the nice neighbourhood with amazing schools. I've found work easily (we are both professionals). I'm slowly but steadily expanding my social circle. But I feel trapped and betrayed (by myself):
- we work much harder and longer hours because our industry is much more competitive here
- we work mostly from home because we can't do a school run and commute 1h to office during the same day. That means I feel isolated and miss social aspect of work
- we are better money-wise but not much. We are trying to save money for down payment but it will take couple of years. Moving from cheaper country means our savings are peanuts here
- I'm struggling with secondary infertility and regret loosing time for arguments and relocation
- sadly I don't feel very safe here
I appreciate the UK in so many ways. People are very open and friendly, I mostly enjoy the weather, I love west end shows and museums. But I feel that I sacrificed my mental health for DH's work ambitions. He says I can work part-time or even quit my job. But then we won't be able to afford a mortgage. And tbh part-time is not very common in our industry. He says we can move to another country in the couple of years. But I'm afraid he'll hate it again and my kid is already integrated here.
I probably won't be so sad now if I knew it was an absolutely necessary move, if he tried to integrate properly or deeply explored job market there. I don't know how to forgot it all and pretend it has never happened.