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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to share CF in law stories from your weddings?

685 replies

Sconesandgravy · 26/04/2023 08:30

Please share your CF in law stories from your weddings. I need to know it's not just me that has one.

I got married on Saturday. We had a micro wedding for multiple reasons. Our daughter, our closest friend each and their partner, and our parents or in my case parental. No siblings or other family.

My Mother in Law is weirdly emeshed with DH's two older siblings and can't cope if they aren't included in everything.

As we were cutting the cake, and having our moment, She shouts out "Make sure you save a piece for BIL, SIL and grandad!" After we'd served everyone she hacked off a huge messy chunk for them, rather than take the finger slices we'd been cutting rendering the rest of the top tier unusable.

It sounds childish but out of all the "petty" moments of the day this one stuck out the most. I think it's because she "stole" my moment.

I'm sure I'll laugh about it in years to come, but it's been four days and amongst the nastier things she did I am beyond angry. So I'm using MN as a form of catharsis, in the hopes that other people have nightmare in laws 😁

OP posts:
crossstitchingnana · 26/04/2023 11:30

Gymrabbit · 26/04/2023 10:02

The hacking at the cake is awful but then I think it’s pretty awful to invite a mate to your wedding but not a grandparent.
my parents would be utterly devastated to not be invited to my child’s wedding (though it is likely they won’t live to see it) so I can see why your MIL was not happy.

But it's up to the bride and groom who they invite. Especially if B and G pay for it themselves.

Original poster
Sconesandgravy · 26/04/2023 11:38

takealettermsjones · 26/04/2023 09:23

She sounds annoying but I do think it's weird that you invited friends' partners but not the groom's actual siblings.

(Unless there's some huge back story and the siblings are raging arseholes, obviously. In which case I'd have gaily said to MIL "nope, they're not getting any!")

Originally the wedding was going to be just us and our 2 friends + partners as witnesses because we wanted people close to us to witness the wedding. And we couldn't afford the "big" wedding we would want on our budget.
The wedding was at a B&B that is specifically a wedding venue, there are four double bedrooms and a two person apartment and we booked it for the weekend. It seemed like a waste to not invite partners.

MIL kicked up a huge fuss about not being invited and SIL spoke to us and said we should invite her so we relented and had parents/parental figures as well, because we had the space.

None of my siblings were invited Nobody kicked up a fuss as they understood we wanted something super small. DH pointed this out to MIL who said "yes but OP isn't sacrificing YOUR siblings so it's different". I'm not sure how it's different but hey ho!

OP posts:
Sauvblanctime · 26/04/2023 11:39

Folllowing because cf threads are amazing 🤣

ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 11:42

Leaving the siblings out was a dick move. Whining that your MIL wanted to bring them a piece of wedding cake is bloody ridiculous. Honestly! 😂

margarine17 · 26/04/2023 11:43

Sconesandgravy · 26/04/2023 08:30

Please share your CF in law stories from your weddings. I need to know it's not just me that has one.

I got married on Saturday. We had a micro wedding for multiple reasons. Our daughter, our closest friend each and their partner, and our parents or in my case parental. No siblings or other family.

My Mother in Law is weirdly emeshed with DH's two older siblings and can't cope if they aren't included in everything.

As we were cutting the cake, and having our moment, She shouts out "Make sure you save a piece for BIL, SIL and grandad!" After we'd served everyone she hacked off a huge messy chunk for them, rather than take the finger slices we'd been cutting rendering the rest of the top tier unusable.

It sounds childish but out of all the "petty" moments of the day this one stuck out the most. I think it's because she "stole" my moment.

I'm sure I'll laugh about it in years to come, but it's been four days and amongst the nastier things she did I am beyond angry. So I'm using MN as a form of catharsis, in the hopes that other people have nightmare in laws 😁

Does your DH not like his siblings? Or his Grandpa? That's a lot of relatives not to like in one family.

Inthesamesinkingboat · 26/04/2023 11:44

My MIL told all her friends that I was evil because she wasn’t invited on my hen-do and she was so sad because she had always wanted a daughter and she ended up with me and I made sure to make sure she was excluded from everything.

The reason she wasn’t invited on the hen do was that I didn’t have one…

She also turned up to the wedding wearing ivory (not a problem, this bride wore emerald green, she was most put out)

Gymrabbit · 26/04/2023 11:48

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Original poster
Sconesandgravy · 26/04/2023 11:49

For clarification

The wedding was a weekend thing. It was at a four bedroomed B&B with an adjoining apartment that sleeps two.

The original guest were our daughter and our two best friends +partners
The reasoning being:
A. Our best friends have brought us through some incredibly hard times, in a way family hasn't. I won't speak about DHs business as it's not my place. But my best friend has been there through every milestone in my life good and bad. We've known each other since we were four (I'm approaching 30). When I had my daughter at 19, she was the only friend not to dump me, she learnt how to use my daughter's feeding tube etc, she's been there when I've laughed when I've cried and I wanted her at my wedding. DH has a similar relationship with his best friend and wanted him there.

B. It made sense for them to bring partners as it didn't cost extra for accomodation and they've done so much for us we wanted to give them both a weekend away with their partners.

C. We wanted them as witnesses because they've witnessed every other milestone so we wanted them to officially witness our marriage.

Then MIL had a meltdown and after a few weeks, I felt guilty and invited her (DH took persuading as he liked our original plan) + my 2 parental figures.

My siblings weren't invited, his siblings weren't invited. It was a choice we both made and a choice we both stand by

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 26/04/2023 11:51

passiveaggressivechoppedcarrot · 26/04/2023 09:35

My MIL turned up at our house the morning of the wedding with her 3 sisters to get their hair and make up done too.....no prior warning....just decided they wanted it done and we should be able to just fit them in!

Jesus! Did you let them stay?

ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 11:51

Sconesandgravy · 26/04/2023 11:49

For clarification

The wedding was a weekend thing. It was at a four bedroomed B&B with an adjoining apartment that sleeps two.

The original guest were our daughter and our two best friends +partners
The reasoning being:
A. Our best friends have brought us through some incredibly hard times, in a way family hasn't. I won't speak about DHs business as it's not my place. But my best friend has been there through every milestone in my life good and bad. We've known each other since we were four (I'm approaching 30). When I had my daughter at 19, she was the only friend not to dump me, she learnt how to use my daughter's feeding tube etc, she's been there when I've laughed when I've cried and I wanted her at my wedding. DH has a similar relationship with his best friend and wanted him there.

B. It made sense for them to bring partners as it didn't cost extra for accomodation and they've done so much for us we wanted to give them both a weekend away with their partners.

C. We wanted them as witnesses because they've witnessed every other milestone so we wanted them to officially witness our marriage.

Then MIL had a meltdown and after a few weeks, I felt guilty and invited her (DH took persuading as he liked our original plan) + my 2 parental figures.

My siblings weren't invited, his siblings weren't invited. It was a choice we both made and a choice we both stand by

Stand by it all you like 😂
It doesn't mean your MIL is the odd one here.

Original poster
Sconesandgravy · 26/04/2023 11:53

ZenNudist · 26/04/2023 09:35

Pretty awful not to invite close family but some friends made the cut. In a few years time you may not speak to them life gets in the way friends diverge but a grandpa would have died happier with memories of his grandsons wedding.

I think she wasn't cheeky to say to save the cake. I think you should have planned cake for family who should have been there and not just a "finger slice". Plus she didn't ruin your moment. You are oversensitive.

My MIL invited 6 random guests out of 25 to our wedding abroad. They weren't close family. She said she'd pay I think it cost me £600 which was a lot then. She didn't pay. They didn't give a gift either. She also asked us to get A wedding video which cost £400 for dh ill grandmother who couldn't have come even if we had been in the uk. So we did but she didn't give us the money when she offered to pay. We didn't chase it up. She probably would have if reminded.

I didn't mind though, the extra guests made it more of a party and I don't watch the video but we might be glad of it if we find it one day and can convert it to a watchable file. I think its a cd.

Why is it awful to let the friends who have been there through everything be at our wedding?

Maybe it's awful that people feel so entitled to other people's events?

In a few years we will talk to these friends. My friend and I have been friends for 25 years.

And we did plan cake for them. I just think it's inappropriate to demand cake in the middle of a couple's moment. Why couldn't she have approached us afterwards when everyone had been served? She didn't need to hack at it and make the rest unshareable because it was so wonky

OP posts:
Weasellyrecognised · 26/04/2023 11:55

Not a wedding one, rather at the other end of things, but my MIL left a long letter to the family when she died detailing all her feelings for each of them and saying how lucky she had been. Left me out.

SmallFerret · 26/04/2023 11:55

Dacadactyl · 26/04/2023 09:20

I didn't have an issue with my in laws at our wedding. I also think you were perhaps a bit naive to think that it wouldn't cause issues by not inviting your husbands siblings.

No siblings were invited from either side.

The issue wasn't caused by siblings not being invited. It was caused by inappropriate remarks & actions by OP's MiL.

As OP reports no such rudeness from her own side of the family, you can't level naivete at her. She simply expected everyone to behave like adults, as her own family did.

mogtheexcellent · 26/04/2023 11:55

MIL made a second cake and decorated it specific to DHs job eg. camouflage ribbon and army tank for military DH. Sadly the cake remained in the box which was hidden by the caterers who then forgot where it was.

ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 11:55

What "moment" were you having, cutting cake? How did someone speaking to you ruin it?

margarine17 · 26/04/2023 11:56

Yes. I agree. You can stand by it, but not inviting your own siblings and grandpa to your wedding is highly unusual. I guess as long as you don't complain if they all treat you the same it's ok. Not expecting an invite to any of your siblings weddings? grandpas wake ?. Gosh people are weird about weddings. Odds on one of the 2 friends that you invited will get divorced and you won't remember their now partners name in 10 years. Very odd behaviour.

Original poster
Sconesandgravy · 26/04/2023 11:57

SchoolTripDrama · 26/04/2023 10:52

@Sconesandgravy You refused to invite his Grandpa? Oh that's just awful. You should be ashamed of that. I bet your Grandparents & sibling were welcomed!

No we didn't refuse to invite his grandpa. His grandpa is actually incredibly poorly and cannot leave his nursing home without a tremendous amount of intervention, and it then leaves him poorly for weeks.

No matter what wedding we'd have had his grandpa wouldn't have been able to come. It's a similar situation with my grandma, except she's in a totally different part of the country so there was no way we could have had either there

OP posts:
Convovulus · 26/04/2023 11:57

takealettermsjones · 26/04/2023 09:23

She sounds annoying but I do think it's weird that you invited friends' partners but not the groom's actual siblings.

(Unless there's some huge back story and the siblings are raging arseholes, obviously. In which case I'd have gaily said to MIL "nope, they're not getting any!")

I agree

TedLasto · 26/04/2023 11:57

We had a similar small weekend wedding. We hired a house and everyone stayed two nights (we paid). There was another house on the grounds with 3 bedrooms. MIL and FIL insisted on having the entire house to themselves so some friends had to stay in a separate B&B. Also obviously we were then paying for two empty rooms. MIL and FIL were late for the wedding despite staying 2 minutes away. I had to wait outside the room with my dad for them. And various other things that meant we couldn’t have the venue we had originally wanted as they didn’t think it was suitable for them, nor the date we originally wanted as it was near their wedding anniversary (!)

SingAlongAndItMightJustGetYouThrough · 26/04/2023 11:58

Who are the "parental figures"? Your grandparents?

SmallFerret · 26/04/2023 11:58

Choice4567 · 26/04/2023 09:28

My MIL was very put out that our wedding in England was so English. She very loudly clinked her glass half way through the meal. Apparently where she’s from it means the bride and groom have to kiss. She looked so smug that she was introducing something to do ‘her way’

I felt very smug back when the head waiter came over and told her quite strictly that it wasn’t time for speeches so stop making that noise

Blimey.
Did you get married at Fawlty Towers?

Why should your MiL not wish to see a tiny harmless tradition from the groom's side of the family at her son's wedding? More bafflingly, why was the head waiter so rude to an important guest?

Iwasafool · 26/04/2023 12:00

My late MIL turned up dressed in black from head to foot and cried through the service. Made me feel very welcomed into the family.

Iwasafool · 26/04/2023 12:01

SmallFerret · 26/04/2023 11:58

Blimey.
Did you get married at Fawlty Towers?

Why should your MiL not wish to see a tiny harmless tradition from the groom's side of the family at her son's wedding? More bafflingly, why was the head waiter so rude to an important guest?

Show quote history

Absolutely, I'd be furious if my guests were treated like that. He must have been trained by Basil Fawlty.

SmallFerret · 26/04/2023 12:01

Thatsveryniceofyou · 26/04/2023 09:40

This is very revealing but my MIL did cry on our wedding day and told my husband it wasn't too late to call off the wedding (it's all caught on our wedding video as well). I laugh about it now but it was hurtful at the time.

My FIL is generally great and I get on well with him.

Wowsers, well done you for finding the funny side.
Also .. that is one hell of a piece of video ammunition now in your possession ... Wink

margarine17 · 26/04/2023 12:01

Iwasafool · 26/04/2023 12:00

My late MIL turned up dressed in black from head to foot and cried through the service. Made me feel very welcomed into the family.

I'm so sorry but that did make me giggle as I thought of Maree in Everybody Loves Raymond. I hope things improved!