To ask you to share CF in law stories from your weddings?

[Sconesandgravy]

Please share your CF in law stories from your weddings. I need to know it's not just me that has one.

I got married on Saturday. We had a micro wedding for multiple reasons. Our daughter, our closest friend each and their partner, and our parents or in my case parental. No siblings or other family.

My Mother in Law is weirdly emeshed with DH's two older siblings and can't cope if they aren't included in everything.

As we were cutting the cake, and having our moment, She shouts out "Make sure you save a piece for BIL, SIL and grandad!" After we'd served everyone she hacked off a huge messy chunk for them, rather than take the finger slices we'd been cutting rendering the rest of the top tier unusable.

It sounds childish but out of all the "petty" moments of the day this one stuck out the most. I think it's because she "stole" my moment.

I'm sure I'll laugh about it in years to come, but it's been four days and amongst the nastier things she did I am beyond angry. So I'm using MN as a form of catharsis, in the hopes that other people have nightmare in laws 😁

It’s a shame you guys are still talking about her, SIL sounds ace!

I wear flip flops to weddings 🤷‍♀️

can’t see why it’s such a big deal you’d be talking about it years later.

hate all this policing of behaviour at events.

You know weddings are usually formal events, right? It's just inappropriate for the occasion and kind of rude, tbh.

She sounds ace? Based on what?

Yes "mainsfed" ace based on what exactly?
Should have said btw, my SIL on my husband's side. I.e. she wore flip flops for both of her brothers weddings.
And yes, I thought it was rude, as it shouts: "I made no effort 'cos I can't care less."

Soon-to-be ex-in-laws, life is hard - but when we were planning the wedding years ago MIL actually called to cr*p on me that I hadn't asked SIL to be a bridesmaid!

BIL got married in the town where we live - we weren't invited to the small registry office wedding no problem - but when new SIL sent us photos she was shocked BIL hadn't shared the news. So were we! BIL's excuse to soon-to-be ex-DH was that he didn't share he was getting married because he still loved his ex and didn't actually want to get married! ffs

Went abroad the following year to the 'marriage celebration' (poor new SIL) and MIL and non-bridesmaid SIL told me they were looking forward to hair and make-up - but sorry, it had only been booked for family members - ahhh ummm okay then.

You sound like a lovely daughter ☺️

For going on her own way and not giving a shit about people who talk shit behind her back.

Probably but after losing parents, my daughter a grandson at a few months old and my husband is receiving palliative treatment for liver cancer and my children also losing all of these people. We are quite close.
I wouldn’t be there all the time and would wait to be invited, I would follow any rules about care that my children and partners wanted. But I would want to help with that burden of childcare costs.
If a parent was at home then obviously that would change. Maybe it seems I’m selfish and overbearing but I don’t want my children to struggle with childcare and costs etc if I can help a few days. Why would I not want to help relieve that stress for them if I could. Then not needing to pay out as much leaves them with more spare cash. How is that being selfish? The biggest issue with new families is that loss of income due to paying out. Being able to reduce that for them by even a day or two, from my seemingly selfish and self centred viewpoint, so they don’t have to worry and use it for a house or for family time and trips etc or just have a next egg to build.
Seemingly wrongfully I don’t want my children, their partners or grandchildren having to struggle. But to be able to enjoy their family lives without worrying.
I know the extortionate costs of daycare as I had 4 children in day care for years and worked very hard to get into a position where I can help my children and their families.
I had my children at 16 and 18 and 26 and 28.

I have read many threads on here where people are complaining that parents are not helping.

I have brought my children up and told them that is what I would love to do.
But I’m sure I will be finding threads on here in the future saying what a nightmare I am
But, I would never tell them how to raise their children and never not follow the instructions they gave me. Their children and their way. I simply want to make it easier. Less stress for them and hopefully happier families.
I would probably be vilified if I also explained that I used my house to take out mortgages to buy houses for my two older children already. They couldn’t get mortgages as too young. So I took out deposits for them both from my equity and they simply pay the mortgages and I told them what I could afford to put down and what their limit was and they chose properties. My son wanted one across the road and up one and my daughter on the street behind.

If and when they want to move they can. I’m not tying them to me.

But simply want to help them.

Of course they would be allowed. It’s their kids. Simply would prefer them to have the extra cash to use for family time, ease pressure on their finances and allow them to not worry about cash
But if that is what they wanted. That is what they would do for their family.

I can imagine that these responses are from very controlling DIL.

Honestly, not controlling but my children will always be my children. As their mother I will always do what I can for them. Having watched one daughter die at 12 and baby grandson at 10months it does some what colour your view on life. It made the relationships between my remaining two sons and daughter very different and very close.

That’s really bad form, does she like to always be in control?
shouting out like that with cutting the cake, I am sure your glare was enough to make her stop.

😂. It could only have been talked about after the event, obviously... 🤣
If SIL didn't give a shit about @LillyOfTheValley2020 she really shouldn't have come to the wedding.
You haven't even tried to find a grain of logic in your attempt to insist the one behaving with zero class is the heroine of the hour, have you?

As I said, my birthday the next day. So at midnight my DC asked the DJ to play Happy Birthday.
It was lovely and didn't make the wedding all about me

whilst I feel very very sorry for you having experienced such a loss, to tell your kids you’ll be devastated if you don’t have what you want from them is overbearing. You don’t have a right to be ‘a part of everything’ in their lives.

I agree, @WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing - you are putting a lot of pressure on your children, by telling them you will be ‘devastated’ if you don’t get to help in the way you want to, @Biscuitmonster2318.

Loving your kids is fine. Helping them out with buying a house is also fine - as long as there are no strings attached - no unspoken “I bought you a house and dipped into my equity to do it, so you can’t say No to me looking after your children”. But you do need to accept that they are adults, and that you no longer have any right to dictate how they live their lives or parent their children. If you are not careful, you are likely to push them away.

It is fine to offer help, but it is not fine to emotionally manipulate your children into accepting that help by rubbing in the message that you will be devastated if they don’t accept.

Who even said that I hold the houses over there heads.

i don’t hold what has happened over them either. As it was also quite a profound loss for them too. I said it has made us closer and they are very open with me about their feelings and emotions etc.

Honestly, I’m not controlling in any way and yes I would be. I am also allowed to say that. Not for some nefarious reasons. But, I want my children’s lives to be easy and to not struggle financially.

Honestly, some people really are so precious. It’s not about control in any way. Otherwise I would tell my adult children I expect to see them all the time or always be at their homes.

I only go to their houses if they have invited me as it is their home. I took equity out as it’s their inheritance anyway. So I would rather they get on the property Ladder at a younger age and can then sell and upgrade if and as they please. It’s best they have that now than in decades to come.

So many people that instantly jump to control.

Its all with good intentions and if I was so terrible why would I have been the person who my son and DIL called at any time day and night after my grandson passed away.

So I’m assuming that most people have difficult relationships with family and can see why.
All relationships are about love, respect and compromise. No judgements passed and no two faced bitching.
Boundaries are always discussed and empathy is also shown in our family.

Surprised you all haven’t said I’m emotionally blackmailing and damaging my children etc and family because I haven’t packed away my daughters bedroom yet.

I won’t apologise for simply wanting to ensure my children and their families don’t have to struggle financially and have time to enjoy their little families.

Simply kindness and love. My DIL when her first son was alive had that relationship with her mum. If I was going to be a nightmare I would have demanded I have him.
no, I didn’t but did ask how I could help make her adjusting to motherhood easier. She was getting stressed about washing and clothes etc.
so she would text me and I would pick up on a Friday night on my home and pop it all back round on a Saturday afternoon.
I would bring her her favourite food and drink and only stay if she was in place where she wasn’t shattered. Other times she would go to bed with the baby and clean around the downstairs for her as she asked. I always said anything I can do with the crappy, mundane crappy house jobs just let me know. My doing a few little bits was no big deal but enabled her to only have to look after herself and her baby. As he got older the stuff she needed or asked for changed. As she had slept more, had a routine etc. Never once did I tell her what to do with her son. I waited to be told I could hold him. Never ever took over.

I was raised in a family who believed that the women within the family would be there in the background doing the crappy things that have to be done. So all the new mum and dad had to do was simply look after their baby and each other.

I won’t apologise for having that view. But all on the time table of the parents.
yes devastated and why not be able to be upset in myself that the relationship between me and my grandchildren wouldn’t be as I liked. I’m far from histrionic and wouldn’t say anything if they decided that. As a grandparent It is ok and allowed to love your grandchildren and hold them in your heart. Relationships between grandparents and grandchildren are special.

Oh. Good. Grief.

@Nanny0gg

would you care to elaborate on that rather cryptic comment? I accept it appears to be old fashioned to take other people’s feelings into account but surely it can’t be wrong to want two families to unite when a country marries? Especially given the number of MN threads about problems with in-laws?

This is a very long thread, and now rather an old one. The OP has addressed your points in the course of it. It seems you haven't bothered to read her posts. You are therefore repeating points many others have already made which actually aren't relevant in this specific situation. I imagine that's what @Nanny0gg meant.

Because the OP has explained why.

More than once I believe.

Indeed.

Cancel the cheque

Which was an issue that was raised sometime last week. I apologized for not having had the time to read more than the first 5 pages. It appears that you share my lack of time as you have also not read the whole thread

@Mary54 - if you look at the bottom right corner of any of the OP's posts, you will see "See Next/See all" - if you click on See All, you can read just the OP's posts - thus you don't have to read through all however many pages of the thread.

You can also customise MN - so all posts on a thread by the OP (and/or all your posts too, if you want) are on a coloured background, by clicking on the V next to TALK at the top of any thread, and selecting Customise from the drop down menu, then selecting coloured backgrounds.

Oh the thread seems to have taken a turn! Well, I've NC'd to share my story as don't want to have to change bits, thankfully now ex-ILs after a very short marriage that I wish I hadn't went through with at all! Almost a decade ago now.

When ILs arrived the night before, they walked past me, my parents and a bridesmaid lugging equipment in for the following day. Said "ooh that looks like hard work! We're just going for a pint before dinner" and walked off.

The day after the wedding, MIL was banging on our door (hotel) at 7.45am to tell us to get up and dressed to say goodbye to family who were leaving (we had done so the previous night when thanking everyone for attending so we didn't need to be up first thing 🙄). Then followed up with texts and calls asking where we were and everyone was standing in reception waiting. My own parents (who understandably slept in after a bloody late party) were horrified when I told them.

Bonus - one of my own family members had a tantrum about another family member (close to them, I hadn't even spoken to them in well over a decade) not being invited. Ended up inviting them (including cost of their meal, a drink to toast, etc.). A few years later family member cheerily contacted me to say last minute invitee was now getting married herself, I wouldn't be invited as numbers didn't allow, but I could send money or a gift card to her and she would pass it on, or just transfer £50 directly into their account. Needless to say, that didn't happen (and I wouldn't bend to inviting anyone I didn't really want to nowadays)!

Oh I forgot about this until I saw this post - my ex-MIL wore a white dress with black accessories! 😂