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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner house guest while partner away.

60 replies

ToyahWillcox · 25/04/2023 21:59

Hi, I'm new! Recommended to post here by a friend who says I'll likely get some mixed responses which I do want.

I'm in a long term, long distance relationship. We see each other most weekends.

I have a an old (male) friend that predates my current relationship. We 'dated' for a short while but I knew it was a mistake so ended it. This rocked our friendship for a while but we've since resolved our issues and are back to being friends. My old friend lives a long way away so mostly we just exchange a few messages from time to time.

Would I be unreasonable to have this old friend stay over for a few days when my new partner isn't here?

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 25/04/2023 22:48

Yes.

Divorcedalongtime · 25/04/2023 22:49

Not unreasonable but does the old friend 100% know there won’t ever be more?

Ponoka7 · 25/04/2023 22:52

It sounds like you are hooking up with the ex. I think that your current bf would be reasonable to object.

Original poster
ToyahWillcox · 26/04/2023 15:48

Divorcedalongtime · 25/04/2023 22:49

Not unreasonable but does the old friend 100% know there won’t ever be more?

Yes he absolutely does!

Am surprised by the responses. I thought everyone would think it was reasonable. The brief period we were together was a total mistake - he's just a friend - I was having a bit of a hard time, at the time. Friend absolutely is under no illusion that I'd ever consider rekindling anything with him and my boyfriend definitely knows this too. I've made it extremely clear.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/04/2023 15:50

Would you want your partner's ex-girlfriend staying at his? I doubt it.

Original poster
ToyahWillcox · 26/04/2023 15:53

Aquamarine1029 · 26/04/2023 15:50

Would you want your partner's ex-girlfriend staying at his? I doubt it.

He's not an ex-boyfriend though! He's a friend with whom I made a mistake. It's different.

OP posts:
turnthebiglightoff · 26/04/2023 15:54

Ok, would you want your partner to have someone he slept with (once? Twice? 16 times?) stay at his house?

HowManySunflowers · 26/04/2023 15:54

Is your current partner happy with it?

Original poster
ToyahWillcox · 26/04/2023 15:59

HowManySunflowers · 26/04/2023 15:54

Is your current partner happy with it?

He's not 100% comfortable with it, no. But there's absolutely no need for him to be uncomfortable with it. This friend really is just that. I don't have any feelings for him at all other than platonic and really regret what happened. My friend is not interested in rekindling anything - he has said as such very clearly.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 26/04/2023 16:00

Because ending the sexual side of your relationship strained your friendship, I would say it’s probably a bad idea as he’s probably still carrying a bit of a torch for you. So an having him stay over when your BF isn’t there will seem like a possible invitation for more.

But the other question is what would your BF think about it? I think lots of people would be uncomfortable with their boy/girlfriend having an old flame stay over in this sort of way. But some wouldn’t.

If your BF is fine with it and you don’t think there’s any chance the old friend will misunderstand or that you will make anther mistake, then it’s fine. If it’s going to strain any of your relationships then it’s a bad idea.

Original poster
ToyahWillcox · 26/04/2023 16:01

I'd really like them to meet also. My boyfriend is lovely and my friend would like him - they'd like each other I'm sure. My boyfriend is reticent which is a real shame. And makes it a bit awkward for me to arrange to spend some time with my friend unless I do so when my boyfriend isn't here.

OP posts:
Babycakes6 · 26/04/2023 16:03

I really don’t see a problem 🤷‍♀️ There is a reason someone is ex!! I don’t see my ex as an ‘ex’, I see him as a friend now and I can’t think of him as anything remotely more than that. To be honest, I can’t even recall the time we spent in a relationship and why we broke up.
My ex who lives on the opposite part of the globe often stayed with me, my current partner and our child. He (and also, a few times, his new girlfriend) stayed with me when my partner was away.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 26/04/2023 16:05

I'd be fine with DH having a confirmed-ex-now-friend to stay, as long as there was a bit of effort made by the ex-now-friend to show me they were clear it was a friendly thing not a potential shag thing.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 26/04/2023 16:07

I wouldn't like it. Its an ex sexual partner, not just a simple friend. I would find it disrespectful.

HarrietStyles · 26/04/2023 16:09

It doesn’t really matter what I think, or anyone else on Mumsnet. Ask your boyfriend whether he would feel comfortable with it or not. His is the only opinion that matters. X

Original poster
ToyahWillcox · 26/04/2023 16:13

HarrietStyles · 26/04/2023 16:09

It doesn’t really matter what I think, or anyone else on Mumsnet. Ask your boyfriend whether he would feel comfortable with it or not. His is the only opinion that matters. X

I've considered this but it feels a bit like by boyfriend's insecurities are then controlling my behaviour. I don't like that feeling at all it makes me feel uncomfortable. If he felt insecure about me dressing a certain way or talking to men at work, and so I didn't do those things, that would be manipulation. He doesn't own me!

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 26/04/2023 16:16

So would you be happy about current partner and his ex going away on a mini break together? That's technically what this is, isn't it?

NortieTortie · 26/04/2023 16:46

Inviting a man you have sexual history with to spend the night in your partner's absence would, imo, cross a boundary and be disrespectful. Boundaries are very individual things but I can't see many people being okay with that.

I don't think it's comparable to him hypothetically telling you not to speak to men or controlling your clothing tbh.

Dillydollydingdong · 26/04/2023 16:51

Not a good idea. Depends how important your bf is to you.

BrimFullOfAsher · 26/04/2023 16:54

If it wouldn't be OK the other way around, then it's not OK.

YABU

EggInANest · 26/04/2023 16:57

I think it depends on the dynamic of your current relationship, how your current partner feels, whether they know the friend and feel friendly with them.

It wouldn't bother me.

Relationships work or not, people are trusted or not. If you did lapse into FWB with your old friend, you weren't the right partner for your new boyfriend anyway. What sort of relationship is it if it has to be policed and people 'off limits'?

amylou8 · 26/04/2023 17:05

This would be a deal breaker for me. Nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. Having a friend of the opposite sex stay over, who you've already shagged by mistake in the past, shows a complete lack of respect for your current partner.

Servalan · 26/04/2023 17:08

In my unfortunate experience, having a friend that you have sexual history with stay the night in a place with just the two of you is not a good idea - especially if the idea of being platonic hasn't been going on for a long time. No matter how they might say they have no interest in rekindling something now, there is no guarantee that they'll respect the boundary in practice - they may just be trying a different tactic.

That's even before thinking about respecting your partners' feelings.

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 17:09

If your new partner is uncomfortable with it then yeah you're being unnecessary.

ThatFraggle · 26/04/2023 17:14

Why did the first time he came over have to be when your partner is away?

It just seems dodgy as fuck.

Do a cost benefit analysis.

Cost: boyfriend unhappy. Plants seeds of suspicion. Feels disrespected.

Benefit: you see some random guy who actually could come when partner is around.

Why would you do this?