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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex partner house guest while partner away.

60 replies

ToyahWillcox · 25/04/2023 21:59

Hi, I'm new! Recommended to post here by a friend who says I'll likely get some mixed responses which I do want.

I'm in a long term, long distance relationship. We see each other most weekends.

I have a an old (male) friend that predates my current relationship. We 'dated' for a short while but I knew it was a mistake so ended it. This rocked our friendship for a while but we've since resolved our issues and are back to being friends. My old friend lives a long way away so mostly we just exchange a few messages from time to time.

Would I be unreasonable to have this old friend stay over for a few days when my new partner isn't here?

OP posts:

Daisydu · 26/04/2023 18:27

ToyahWillcox · 26/04/2023 17:28

My current boyfriend is not comfortable meeting my friend at all. He is insecure about all of my exes. Insecure to a level that concerns me a bit to be completely honest.

Show quote history

I don’t wish to meet any of my partners ex’s… his best mate is with one of his ex’s, but I’ve refused to have anything to do with her. I’m not insecure. I just have boundaries and that’s one of them. My partner can walk away if he doesn’t agree.
your boyfriend should not have to meet or hear about or see or have anything to do with any of your ex’s.

GoodChat · 26/04/2023 18:30

Why does he have to stay over? Why can't you meet somewhere in the middle and just have lunch for something?

Was the last time you saw him when you were still having sex?

Why would you feel it's appropriate for him to sleep in your house when your boyfriend isn't even comfortable enough to meet him? If he was going away with a friend he used to have sex with, how would you feel?

PoseyFlump · 26/04/2023 19:31

PoseyFlump · 26/04/2023 17:33

He is insecure about all of my exes.

Freudian slip there!

What I mean @ToyahWillcox is that you referred to him jointly as all your exes when previously you said:

He's not an ex-boyfriend though!

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 26/04/2023 19:42

I think you are enjoying the attention of both these men op.

Nowt wrong with that but you are probably playing with fire. That can be fun unless you really do care for one of them in which case tred carefully or you might be the one whose kicked into the long grass

CalistoNoSolo · 26/04/2023 19:47

Yes, if you were my boyfriend and pulled this shit, you'd pretty swiftly be my ex. I'm quite astonished you can't see a single tiny thing wrong with this set up. I think your boyfriend's insecurities may well be because you give off that untrustworthy vibe.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 26/04/2023 19:52

Oh the op can see it but she's enjoying the power. As I said nothing wrong with that but if you sup with the devil you need a very long spoon

Christ I am actually now my mother

Skyeheather · 26/04/2023 19:59

As your DP isn't happy about, yes you are being unreasonable. Your friend can stay in a hotel, B&B, with friends - there's no need for him to stay at yours.

Your friend must like you a lot to travel all that way to see you? Is he just visiting to see you and nobody else?

poetryandwine · 26/04/2023 20:05

I also get the feeling you are enjoying this, OP. Either that or you are thick.

If your new partner is as lovely as you say why not pay some attention to his feelings? What some mythical perfect man might do is hardly the point.

Mobilephonesputmeninmobilehomes · 26/04/2023 20:28

I'm quite surprised by a lot of the responses, I'm good friends with an ex, we were together for a year and I'm now married to a lovely man who trusts me and became of that he has no problem with the friendship. I will go out for dinner with my ex while visiting my family (I moved when I married), I have stayed overnight in his house and yes, it was just the two of us but thankfully my dh is mature enough to realise if I wanted to cheat I would and him dictating who I spend time with wouldn't stop me. My ex and dh have met (ex came to wedding), they get on well but even if they didn't I would still see my ex because he's now a valued friend who has been a great support over the years particularly when my wonderful dm was dying. If your boyfriend trusts you why has he got an issue? Does he not think you're capable of telling your ex to get lost if he makes a pass at you??

poetryandwine · 26/04/2023 20:45

@Mobilephonesputmeninmobilehomes My DH is good friends with someone he dated casually and she’s become a friend of mine, although not as close. She is a blonde bombshell but I trust DH and this feels fine. She has stayed in our house when I’ve been travelling with no worries on my part. There is someone much less attractive I wouldn’t have back, full stop, much less if I were not there, based on her behaviour. Luckily DH agrees.

OP’s vibe isn’t the same. I agree with @thebaneofmylifeisacat that she is enjoying the power, albeit in a deniable ‘who me?’ way. If I were her DP I would be thinking that life is too short for this shit.

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