Ex partner house guest while partner away.

[ToyahWillcox]

Hi, I'm new! Recommended to post here by a friend who says I'll likely get some mixed responses which I do want.

I'm in a long term, long distance relationship. We see each other most weekends.

I have a an old (male) friend that predates my current relationship. We 'dated' for a short while but I knew it was a mistake so ended it. This rocked our friendship for a while but we've since resolved our issues and are back to being friends. My old friend lives a long way away so mostly we just exchange a few messages from time to time.

Would I be unreasonable to have this old friend stay over for a few days when my new partner isn't here?

My current boyfriend is not comfortable meeting my friend at all. He is insecure about all of my exes. Insecure to a level that concerns me a bit to be completely honest.

He is insecure about all of my exes.

Freudian slip there!

Look you can just leave him you know. For any reason. Don't tie yourself up in knots over it.

Right, so why the thread then?

I wouldn’t like it tbh.

What do you mean?

How much chat do you do about your exes, do you go on a lot about how amazing they are and how you're still great friends?

I wouldn't be thrilled to meet, let alone be expected to try to befriend a bfs exes, regardless of whether the sex was a 'mistake'! I'd also find it odd to want my bf to meet my exes. Just personal preference.

And I'm not sure I'd feel relaxed about them staying over at my bfs house. I don't think that makes someone controlling. It doesn't sound like your bf has a problem with you interacting with men in general.

I do think you may be mis-matched however. If you are happy to meet your bfs exes and for him to have a them stay nights at his place then you may be happier with someone who is equally relaxed about such things. And as pp said, you can break up with anyone for any reason.

I don't think he is being unreasonable though.

I'd really like them to meet also. My boyfriend is lovely and my friend would like him - they'd like each other I'm sure. My boyfriend is reticent which is a real shame.

You sound naive here, so sure they'd like each other when your boyfriend already dislikes the guy and I bet the guy who had an issue with you downgrading him to friend again isn't likely to love the guy you prefer sleeping with.

Framing this as giving into your boyfriend's manipulative insecurities is a stretch too. As if anyone would be keen for their girlfriend to have the ex come for a sleepover in their absence!

I don't go on about how great they are but I am still friends/ in contact with a few and I value some of those relationships some more than others.

I don't want to leave my boyfriend he's lovely!

I've considered this but it feels a bit like by boyfriend's insecurities are then controlling my behaviour. I don't like that feeling at all it makes me feel uncomfortable. If he felt insecure about me dressing a certain way or talking to men at work, and so I didn't do those things, that would be manipulation. He doesn't own me!

So don't complain if you decide to do it and he ends the relationship. He's told you how he feels and you clearly don't respect his feelings.

If he's so lovely, why piss him off with this? Your mistake/friend can sleep elsewhere. What you're describing isn't insecurity comparable to telling you not to dress a certain way, it's just human nature when you're committed.

Whether you had sex with this friend once or a thousand times really makes no difference. I think you are being unreasonable. It will be hurtful to your boyfriend. Would you like him sharing his house with his ex when you were not there?

Do you value these friendships more than your relationship with your boyfriend?

I shouldn't have to choose surely. I have a lot of mutual friends with my exes. It would be weird to cut them out of my life and not my other mutual friends just because my boyfriend is a bit insecure surely?

😂😂😂

You can still have them in your life without having them sleep over.

There's surely a compromise to be had here?

If you can hand on heart say that you would not be bothered about your partner having his ex girlfriend stay over then crack on. I don't think your partner is in the wrong to be upset though.

I think that might be a bit controlling. Would he be okay about you meeting up with your ex if you weren’t going to be in the same house alone overnight?

I can understand being uncomfortable about b/gf’s exes and it might be reasonable to ask them to avoid more intimate things (like sleepovers). But if your b/gf’s ex is still a friend, you need to find a way to accept them still being in touch or realise this person just isn’t for you and find someone who can’t stand being in touch after a break up.

I think you can’t pander to your partners insecurities, he’s your friend, you live your life and don’t be controlled by his issues. It’s not ok. Have your friend to stay. Your boyfriend either deals or walks. His call op.

I shouldn't have to choose surely.

You don't have to choose but your bf can choose to end the relationship if he's not comfortable with you having an ex over to stay. If you love your boyfriend and he's lovely, I don't know why you would want to do something you know he doesn't like. You can see your friend without him staying over

Semantics. It's not different just because you want it to be in order to get your own way. This is a man you slept with ergo he is an ex-boyfriend.

You've had quite a few people agreeing that it would be disrespectful for you to have your ex come and stay over when your partner isn't there. I don't think it's evidence that your partner is insecure (although he might be). To be honest, if he is, your attitude to this isn't helping! You made a mistake at least once and had sex with him, so what's to say that after a few drinks, you won't make another mistake or at least end up in a position where it might lead to that. Why risk it? What are you trying to prove?

‘Insecure to a level that concerns me a bit to be completely honest’. That’s ‘lovely’?? Would you be happy with a woman he’s had sex with before staying over when you’re away?

Surely you can think of a middle ground between cutting your ex sex partners out of your life and having sleepovers when your boyfriend is away? You’re trying hard to make it seem like your boyfriend is unreasonable, but it’s really not working.

Yes. Very unreasonable