To think that mumsnetters are getting more mean?

[UnhappyFan]

I joined mumsnet about two years ago and while mumsnetters weren’t always a barrel of sunshine they generally seemed to give honest, sincere and genuinely helpful replies and always seemed to have the well being off OP at heart even if what they said was a difficult pill to swallow.

That’s why I loved mumsnet. You could get away from all the online BS here and talk to honest helpful people who aren’t going to coddle me or use kid gloves when giving advice. They would just cut straight to the chase.

Now though things don’t seem to be about constructive criticism or even anything remotely helpful anymore. It really seems to me like mumsnet has changed for the worst.

Some of it I think are trolls. They are expected and in every forum. But some of it I really think I see as a cultural shift on mumsnet.

Many mumsnetters really only seem interested in testing at OP’s throats merely for the sake of tearing the person down or intentionally trying to get them to take down the thread.

Here is my most recent example.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4792379-34-weeks-pregnant-and-we-just-found-out-he-has-another-child?page=1

A new mother who went through several rounds of IVF and lost several pregnancies found out that the love of her life had another adult child that even he didn’t know about. OP said that it was very painful to discover particularly because of the timing as she is heavily pregnant with her first child.

The first solid wall of comments were generally unhelpful and instead of providing support or advice they only criticized her for expressing her pain and emotional struggle with this.

Am I being unreasonable to think that mumsnet has gotten more unfriendly in the last few years or is it I that has changed?

It goes through phases. It seems to attract people who are quite intolerant of others at times.
The wind will change again soon and it’ll get better.

The mouldies were accused of bullying but I always found back then to more banter and sarcasm.

Btw, I give it ten posts maximum before you get told to fuck off if you don’t like it 😉

It is a lot less supportive. I don't think that they are genuine opinions, because when challenged, they never reply. The thread were the OP was supposed to look for parking while her child struggled to breathe was incredible.

Op I saw the post with the lady who found out her partner had another child and I was horrified so I left mums net for the night. It's defo got worse in the last 12 months. I hardly ever come on here anymore everyone just seems so nasty and hostile, it's just a pleasant place to be anymore

Haha yeah I expected something like that to happen. 😆🫣🫠

I remember seeing Melanie Sykes on something years ago (like early 2000’s) and she said she’d been on MN but had to come off it because it was horrible as people were so mean.
I think there has always been a certain amount of bluntness tbh but I think there has been a shift to people being more inpatient to people INR and so that has filtered through to posters being extra blunt online.

Absolutely spot on. I dread to think what would happen if someone mentally unwell asked for advice and support. Sometimes it's as if the aim is to prove someone is lying. Well if they are does it matter?
Either post with support or advice or shut up.
The one's that get me are the pp that ask "why did you have children with this waste of space," well presumably because they didn't start off being an arsehole.

I joined in 2004 and tbh it's really not changed all that much.
There have always been whopping great bunfights and some very blunt responses but there's always been more good than bad.

If you see posts you think are cruel, say so on the thread. Challenge it with the person. Thats the most effective way.

I know there are times I've been a dick and been told to wind my neck in.

It’s definitely got worse so much so that I did it quite triggering and stressful at times and try to stop reading it.

The worst are those who twist the Ops post and go off an a tangent to insult the OP.

Its just as bad as the daily Mail comments section at times.

There are a lot of bitches on here who would never say this stuff in real life and use mumsnet to be nasty because they’re bitter.

Find it quite*

I have been on here more than 10 years. In that time there is about a post a week saying everyone's turned nasty and it's not like the good old days (10 seconds/10 days/10 weeks/10 months/10 years ago) when everything was wall to wall flowers and fucking unicorns.

So it's not really a surprise if people suggest you go elsewhere - that's been happening for as long as people have been posting dreary "but everyone's so mean and nasty" threads.

I posted a thread about my battles with stupid HMRC recently - some people got it and agreed, some people made helpful suggestions, and about 50% of responses posted irrelevant drivel and personal abuse. I'll take the rough with the smooth.

Right on cue

You’re not wrong. I haven’t always been the picture of kindness either. Maybe it’s because there are more people on mumsnet so it’s more likely to be a cascade of the same frustrated responses in one go? 😑😣

I do call it out when I see it. But it can be frustrating and admittedly intimidating when it feels like the entire post is drowning in them.

I agree too, I’ve also seen some awful ableist posters commenting on disabled or chronically ill posters threads.

I found the infertility corner of mumsnet while I was trying to conceive a warm and supportive place, they sign posted me to the hospital and doctor that made my dream of motherhood come true, but the rest of mumsnet seems to be a snake pit.

TBH I feel like I often look at posts to see what the posters say in response to posts, it’s like looking at the dailymail comments boards, an absolute cesspool of nasty people. It both horrifies and fascinates me how nasty people can be, and wonder if these type of people I come across IRL and don’t realise. If they are nasty all the time or just behind the keyboard.

I've been quite shocked at some of the stuff I have read on here, comments that I very much doubt anyone would say to someone's face or at least I would like to hope so. I just don't understand what motivates people to troll, if I haven't got anything that I think is useful, helpful or constructive to say I don't join in. This is the way I conduct myself IRL too. I do ponder at what motives a total stranger to lash into another total stranger, I think the worst thing I have called someone on here is "daft" due to subscribing to the belief that the moon landings were fake but I would never ever tear into someone on an anonymous forum just for entertainment value.

It's always been a nest of vipers.

AIBU has always been the worst, because it attracts drama seekers (like me, not going to lie). Then it often takes a turn when threads get posted to social media (mumsnet posting to Facey for example) or people having a bad day get "set off" by something someone has said and they get on the defensive and start attacking. Then some people see that comment and agree with the take (even if the take is wrong) and the pile-on starts up that way. It's terrifying to be in the line of fire. 😅

I joined for a particular forum on here where the posters are truly amazing.
Then I got sucked into aibu and it's a weird place, for sure.

I started off quite cheery and willing to engage with people with respect even with differing views, less so now because you can say something that's just how you feel and you'll be shot down in flames.
It's quite cruel.

But today I've posted in aibu and had loads of useful replies and majority kind.

I think MN has some very strong minded people who don't really care about how they speak to people because there probably very rude in person.
That's on them. Fuck em.

It's not something to take personally but it's sad when people reach out in times of need to be piled on.

AIBU attracts a lot of bitter, miserable women and possibly quite a few with mental health problems. This is very evident in any thread about SAHMs - it's the same few posters trolling every time. Their so-called 'concern' about SAHMs is bordering on pathological. Also any thread about 'high earners' will also go to 1000 posts (with a lot of nastiness / jealousy thrown in) which says a lot about how disgruntled people are in the U.K. in general.

There’s an awful lot of moral posturing on here, people saying they would ‘LTB’ at the drop of a hat, or not park in a disabled space at A&E if their child was gasping for breath in anaphylactic shock and it was the closest one. They wouldn’t - they’re just competing to appear the most moral and correct.

The human condition is such that we all have feelings we ‘shouldn’t do’ but are perfectly natural to have - anger towards the OW (‘blame the man’ they shriek, like you can’t hate them both!), jealousy of people with more money or seemingly easier lives, shock and upset that your husband has a grown child he previously knew nothing about.

I think good posters are the ones who can admit they would feel the same even if it wasn’t the ‘correct’ way to feel, but then give advice about how they can move towards the ‘correct’ feelings. But they’re quite rare.

Even worse are the armchair detectives who desperately search for some minor detail to rubbish the OP’s version of events (‘You say you were carrying 3 items to the car? I call bull shit on this whole thing, there’s no way you could carry all that at once. It was two trips was it? Well, what else are you lying about?’). They’re frankly just mind numbing and their sense of superiority and self congratulatory attitude is just so boring and unlikable.

I often see things and think to myself... I fucking hope that's a troll because the words are so cruel.

That's when it's not fun to be apart of an online forum

I was shocked by that thread too, glad it wasn't just me.

I agree, there a few threads like that on active atm, berating pregnant or new mothers who are stressed out. When I first joined mumsnet and even after there was a lot of support, a nice community of women advising, many times tough love was given but in a nice way if that makes sense. I dare not post about things now. I’d say in the last 6 months or so but then I haven’t been on it consistently. In addition to women being vile when things could be said politely I think the site attracts a lot more men who just want to be ***s to women. And of course trolls.

I think it's always going to be the same, where you get a huge cross-section of the population commenting. Some will be helpful, some will just commiserate, some will be less than pleasant and other will wade in shouting about how much better they are than everyone else.

I actually came off MN for a couple of years (I flounced, I admit it!) because people were laying into me for expressing surprise at something financial. I live on an absolute shoestring, and was basically told to get a better job if I wanted more money (which isn't possible, for various reasons). Like I'm living my dream life but don't have much money, and it seemed certain people were jealous that I can do what I want!

I think it comes and goes as well. I've been so upset by the behaviour and MNHQ's inability to moderate obvious personal attacks and even blatant ablism/racism at times that I've deregistered a few times in a flounce but then it seems to calm down again and I re-register. When you've been here a while you start to realise it comes in waves.
I wouldn't touch Legal Matters with a bargepole atm though that place seems to be full of people with zero legal advice who just want to tear others down.

What gets me is that there are a lot of very daft pieces of advice. Yes, I find it's nastier, but mainly there seem to be a lot of posters who make very emphatic statements that are ridiculously daft.