To think that mumsnetters are getting more mean?

[UnhappyFan]

I joined mumsnet about two years ago and while mumsnetters weren’t always a barrel of sunshine they generally seemed to give honest, sincere and genuinely helpful replies and always seemed to have the well being off OP at heart even if what they said was a difficult pill to swallow.

That’s why I loved mumsnet. You could get away from all the online BS here and talk to honest helpful people who aren’t going to coddle me or use kid gloves when giving advice. They would just cut straight to the chase.

Now though things don’t seem to be about constructive criticism or even anything remotely helpful anymore. It really seems to me like mumsnet has changed for the worst.

Some of it I think are trolls. They are expected and in every forum. But some of it I really think I see as a cultural shift on mumsnet.

Many mumsnetters really only seem interested in testing at OP’s throats merely for the sake of tearing the person down or intentionally trying to get them to take down the thread.

Here is my most recent example.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4792379-34-weeks-pregnant-and-we-just-found-out-he-has-another-child?page=1

A new mother who went through several rounds of IVF and lost several pregnancies found out that the love of her life had another adult child that even he didn’t know about. OP said that it was very painful to discover particularly because of the timing as she is heavily pregnant with her first child.

The first solid wall of comments were generally unhelpful and instead of providing support or advice they only criticized her for expressing her pain and emotional struggle with this.

Am I being unreasonable to think that mumsnet has gotten more unfriendly in the last few years or is it I that has changed?

I remember pile on’s happening when I first started to lurk here (around 2013/2014). Maybe they’re more frequent now tho.

The trouble is people can say what they like on here. On most forums people would be roasted for the “robust” responses you see here, or down voted to oblivion or something.

Like I’ve just been reading a thread where the OP is asking a (presumably) genuine question and it’s page after page of “why are you even asking that” 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

That’s not the response you’d get on somewhere like Reddit. They’d just answer the question.

I really value the range of responses from helpful to batshit. Also it helps me to know there are real people out there with the weirdest opinions (the recent thread by moon landing deniers was a treat).

I am glad MN doesn't bowdlerise everything to fuckery and that people post things on here they wouldn't say to my face. That's the point of it.

This just suggests to me that you'd be better off posting on Reddit as you have already established.

This just suggests to me that you'd be better off posting on Reddit as you have already established.

I was just using Reddit as an example. A lot of other forums are the same in that they are better moderated.

There’s no real etiquette on MN (or at least AIBU) so people can be as mean spirited as they like. I think a lot of people just come here to pick a fight.

Not everyone is like that of course but quite a few are.

When polarised and emotive subjects are discussed, people have varying abilities to debate with those with opposing views and remain on topic, without becoming personal.
We can't discuss the issues around cosmetic procedures for example without people insulting the appearance of those who have them.
We can't discuss the political context around the SAHM model without someone piping up to accuse people of jealousy.
We can't give a view on an action or behaviour in AIBU without someone extrapolating that the incident in question means the OP is 'insecure' 'a lazy parent' etc.
To resort to this sort of thing rather than making an insightful contribution is often indicative that the poster is only understanding the topic at a very superficial level. Those who want thoughtful advice or thought provoking discussion should just skip over those posts, as there is usually so much more to threads than that, with some absolute gems of humour, empathy and wisdom amongst them.

Those who want thoughtful advice or thought provoking discussion should just skip over those posts

I agree with this. On the rare occasion I have started a thread, I ignore the obvious trolls and those who can't even be bothered to read my OP properly, and I concentrate on answering the helpful posts.

Those who want thoughtful advice or thought provoking discussion should just skip over those posts, as there is usually so much more to threads than that, with some absolute gems of humour, empathy and wisdom amongst them.

I agree with this too. I don't know who Mumsnetters are in real life, and that's the beauty of it. There are lurkers and trolls and weirdoes but there is also a hive mind of women here that are far more experienced in some fields, professions, cultures etc than I am and some of the things I've read have completely rewired my thinking. I can't begin to imagine how many women have got out of abusive relationships thanks to MN. It's generally a force for the good and you do need to sift/not get drawn in by those that are clearly her to bait and derail. A fair few are men, I suspect - I was at a poetry reading recently and a very well known poet (a man) had a real go at Mumsnet - people are aware of the site's power and don't like it.

Agree with this completely. Everyone takes out their personal grievances and resentments on the poor OP

I think sometimes the responses are written in frustration. I just avoid posts about useless partners or worse (in my opinion) are the ones where the op attempts to be lighthearted about having a useless partner and 3 kids. At first I found myself trying to give constructive responses but realised that I was getting more and more blunt to the point where I'd re-read and think to myself I was too harsh. I then decided that if I was actually going to respond to that type of post it needed to include some actual constructive advice or empathy otherwise I shouldn't bother.

Posters do pile on you though and I've had it on me when responding to a post about why women get with and have several children with men that were always useless. I didn't mean for my response to come across as condescending but rather that I understood that other women would have had different upbringing from my own (perhaps no positive male influence or lack of supportive patents, no financial security, low self esteem etc) so could appreciate why they might put up with things I wouldn't. The poster who have me a bashing backed down as soon as I challenged them but I think tone can easily get missed when you are posting.

I hate the advice of just going out and leaving a lazy partner to it re kids. I don't know of any mother who would do this in real life.