To think that mumsnetters are getting more mean?

[UnhappyFan]

I joined mumsnet about two years ago and while mumsnetters weren’t always a barrel of sunshine they generally seemed to give honest, sincere and genuinely helpful replies and always seemed to have the well being off OP at heart even if what they said was a difficult pill to swallow.

That’s why I loved mumsnet. You could get away from all the online BS here and talk to honest helpful people who aren’t going to coddle me or use kid gloves when giving advice. They would just cut straight to the chase.

Now though things don’t seem to be about constructive criticism or even anything remotely helpful anymore. It really seems to me like mumsnet has changed for the worst.

Some of it I think are trolls. They are expected and in every forum. But some of it I really think I see as a cultural shift on mumsnet.

Many mumsnetters really only seem interested in testing at OP’s throats merely for the sake of tearing the person down or intentionally trying to get them to take down the thread.

Here is my most recent example.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4792379-34-weeks-pregnant-and-we-just-found-out-he-has-another-child?page=1

A new mother who went through several rounds of IVF and lost several pregnancies found out that the love of her life had another adult child that even he didn’t know about. OP said that it was very painful to discover particularly because of the timing as she is heavily pregnant with her first child.

The first solid wall of comments were generally unhelpful and instead of providing support or advice they only criticized her for expressing her pain and emotional struggle with this.

Am I being unreasonable to think that mumsnet has gotten more unfriendly in the last few years or is it I that has changed?

MN don’t do enough to control the vile things posters say imo.

Fully agree with you OP - some people were basically vicious on that thread.

I've had something similar - I've NC'd now, but on a previous username I shared that my DP was abused for a decade (domestic abuse)...And well the thread turned into a trial of my DP, and how the abusive ex must have been justified.
Disturbing.

Well, my son lost his toy rabbit yesterday and the kindness of mumsnetters has been overwhelming. I have a replacement thanks to people going above and beyond to track down a replica so I have nothing but admiration.

Compared to a few years ago I’d be less likely to post for advice or support about a really serious issue now. Those who have been here a while are used to the picking holes in first post, the minimising, gaslighting, judgement etc, but if someone joins to make a first post about something serious it could be so off putting. But overall there are still enough amazingly insightful and validating posts for me to stay here apart from taking a break sometimes

Yes I agree more should/could be done

I honestly believe that am in general is a place where people click in quickly, grab what they want to, and let rip their own opinions. Mn is the ultimate eg and I’ve done it myself- something is driving me nuts, I see a thread about it, and offload my crap day on some poor unsuspecting op! But there are honestly also lovely lovely people on mn, in all sections and even aibu (saying that there’s topics I steer clear from, as people seem to want you to be wrong on them!)

I'm glad you started this. I fucked up massively today, made a post which as soon as pointed out how it came across said sorry and was banned before i could explain further. Behind scenes were fantastic, explained that I had had a very unexpected death in the very close family 3hrs sleep in 3 days and between irrational anger and desperate for some positivity and my worrying about the pedants and grammar cause something that was supposed to be one thing looked like something totally different.

I've been a member here for years and it does ebb and flow and to be honest I think it reflects the general feeling of people in general. There is also such a wide range of people, life styles and finances and the gap is getting bigger. I despair of post from single parents struggling and someone suggests a nice lunch and a hair cut and i know the reality of the situation she's probably missing breakfast and lunch already to make sure the kids are ok. Or someone who is nasty and rude in a post but the realty is she is in a toxic relationship and can't leave because they know kids lifestyle will hit the floor.

I agree. I've been around since about 2005 when my daughter was born and it wasn't as toxic about "issues" as it is now. Everyone seems more polarised.

The internet as a whole has gone very ranty and polarised, I wonder if it's going to collapse in on itself when we all decide we can't be arsed with it all.

There are definitely some amazing people here too. It’s not all bad.

I've looked at the thread in question.

Reflecting on what it is - it's that people are very narcissistic. Whatever their situation is - they are biased towards that and not empathetic towards other feelings.

E.g. if I am struggling to make ends meet and see a question about "what is a high earner" I see it as my job to wade in there and give everybody a telling off. Instead of thinking "that will just wind me up, I'll stay away" or staying quiet.

Equally if someone trapped on benefits as a carer comes on for a bit of a justified moan about their lot, they'll get some self-righteous smug idiot telling them to get a higher paid job.

I've noticed it's very smug, I'm alright Jack at times, especially about health. People don't "deserve" their health. It's not all brought upon yourself by lifestyle.

I think this comes from it being a bigger community. In the "old" days I used to recognise half the "names" so people knew to behave. The more anonymous it becomes the safer it is for people to be arseholes.

I was also shocked at the post where the lady said she was upset as she'd had a mc and her dp didn't want to try again. Now I get they did say they didn't walk kids, but mcs are fucking horrible and the lack of empathy in some posters was disgusting. Comments like 'he's 50. He's sensible to have a vasectomy'. Right fucking hell mate. She's just had a mc. Lay off.
Some threads are full of support, and others even for the same issues are not. It's the personal nastiness thats really insidious at times, but there's a poster who comes along every now and then who's lovely and able to give poor feedback without ripping the OP a new one.

I’m glad that you mentioned this about SAHM. Actually I’ve had three threads taken down and in all of them I mentioned I was a SAHM but I didn’t make the connection because I had other threads go quite well before that. It really had me scratching my head.

I think some people might assume my husband has a lot of money because I don’t work but it’s actually just that we were forced into this lifestyle because of a daycare crisis in my area and we were out of options. 😂

My daughter has been on waitlists for daycare since I was 6 weeks pregnant. She is now 2. 🤪

The funny thing is though I really don’t hate it. That seems to be the thing that triggers some folks. I guess I’m supposed to moan and groan about how awful it is or something.

I do agree that it isn’t moderated well. The reason I had these threads taken down in the past was because the conversation has gotten so far off track and I was being terribly taken out of context and accused of things that were blatantly untrue.

I tried reporting the comments but was told they weren’t violating anything so they stayed up with zero intervention. So I did the next best thing and asked for the thread to be removed. The mods actually had the nerve to try to talk me out of it like they thought I was being unreasonable. 3 pages in and being completely destroyed in the comments section and having my character assassinated. There was clearly no hope of getting the advice I was seeking anymore and the moderators weren’t helping or looking to make the thread bearable why keep it up?

I am not blaming the mods necessarily because I don’t know how the system works. Perhaps there is some red tape they are dealing with on their end of things however… Perhaps the talk guidelines or whatever system the mods use needs to be looked into a bit more deeply if there is no recourse when things like this happen?

Yes sometimes mumsnet has the most amazing lovely caring people which is why someone’s I get really taken off guard. 😅

What does my tits in is people wilfully refusing to read properly and twisting a post beyond all recognition to suit their highly subjective narrative and then mercilessly berating the OP as if their weird angry projections were objective truth.

It's not all bad but there are some absolute throbbers kicking about, saying the sort of crap they wouldn't have the balls to say in real life for fear of getting a sore face. So nasty and unnecessary.

I feel that the general tone has changed a lot. I’m not sure when I joined - around 2004? - but over the past few months I’ve increasingly felt like leaving. So many threads now are just bullying pile ons. I think it’s part of a general stress/unhappiness in the country (it’s still mainly a uk site), which comes out on here as people won’t be so nasty in real life. It’s unpleasant on here a lot of the time now.

I joined 10 years ago when I was pregnant with my first. It's great for many things, but I wouldn't use mumsnet to ask for parenting advice, for that I would always try and find real life help even though parenting stuff is what I originally signed up for. I don't think it's particularly mum friendly, a recent example being the mum that got a roasting for parking in a disabled bay at hospital in order to save her dying child's life.

THIS RIGHT HERE. 😫

I agree with you OP. disappointing to see the shift towards online bullying and abuse of people who often find themselves in a difficult situation and are asking for help or advice.

Thanks to MN, several years ago, I asked for advice and after numerous replies I realised I was in an abusive relationship. It was like light bulb moments and a turning point for me.

Im now divorced and happy with a new partner.

I’ve noticed, especially in the relationships threads that people are often attacking OP with unkind remarks and detailing the thread. So sad and unhelpful.
MN has changed for the worst for sure.

I think it’s a weird kind of ‘punish by proxy’ thing because IRL they can’t call people out on stuff.

Smelly colleague? Take it out on the posters who shower every other day.

Got cheated on? Take it out on a poster who admitted she was once an OW

Feel jealous of your rich friend? Tell that person struggling on 40k in London that they don’t know they’re born

…and so on

@Desperatelyseekingbunny Thank you for sharing that - it's the kind of story that makes me instantly feel happier about life 😀

I think there are more trolls, those baiting, nasty weirdoes who try to inflame the OP and derail the thread. But if you completely ignore them then you still get brilliant advice from the genuine posters.

Totally agree. I joined 12 years ago and I would often think “wonder what people on MN would recommend/think about this”, I made some real life friends in here and we are still in touch now.
But now I think “why the fuck do I still have these subscription emails on I hate that site” and it’s because so many women are so hideously spiteful and nasty in posts. Like, no empathy at all. I feel sorry for them because that’s a miserable life, but I feel more sorry for the poor unsuspecting first time poster who gets skewered by their toxic replies.
Moderation used to be so much stricter, and people used to take pride in keeping the same UN and recognising each other and making long term friendships.

punish by proxy - love this expression and will be stealing it! My mum does this...

A lot of it comes across as people who aren’t very bright trying to be righteous.

The thread where OP’s child was asphyxiating and she parked in a disabled bay to rush her into A&E was a good example of this. The OP’s child could have died if medical care was delayed, but a lot of posters got hung up on how terrible and wrong it is to park in disabled bays if you aren’t disabled, as if OP had used a disabled bay at the local Tesco.

So I think, whilst some people are mean on purpose, many just don’t see the wood for the trees as they’re more concerned with virtue signalling than critical thinking.