Letting adult children live at home - wwyd?

[Lwrenagain]

TLDR - wanting DS to have the life he wants but needing realistic ways to achieve it & would keeping him home to save cash make his goals easier to reach?

My very sensible eldest son is the most lovely man to spend time with, both myself and DP (stepdad) adore him and we've younger children at home who also love him dearly.
I'd quite happily keep him at home forever.
But he really wants to live in the fancier part of our local area where his friends live.
I'm very supportive of this and hope he achieves this.
However it's one of the most expensive areas to live locally and for all my sons wonderful qualities he isn't an academic sort. I can imagine he'll work tirelessly for an employer, he just isn't really able to see a future of employment that pays well.
We've considered apprenticeships etc and other things but he's not very good at being practical and he's ASD with a very mild learning disability. Although you'd not know unless you really knew him.

Whilst I don't want to write him off being stuck in NMW jobs like ones I've always had, I have to be realistic because he's working so hard to get into 6th form and the teachers aren't sure he'll get the grades. (He attends afterschool and weekend classes and my DP tutors him. It just isn't sinking in.)

Would I be unreasonable to suggest he stays home once he's found employment and saves up enough for a house deposit which is most definitely cheaper than rent where he wants to live. Rent is over 1k a month for 1 bed flat.
His friends will have more money and are from quite well off families, they will be able to afford renting.

I unfortunately don't have the funds who start him on the property ladder, but I can definitely let him live rent free and cover his meals etc and try and teach him to be good with money?

I can't do anymore to help him become a high flyer career wise but if he gets a decent deposit and savings behind him, maybe that will keep him in good sted long term?

Sorry its a long one and any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated!

I'm confused, if he's at school is he 16? But then you refer to him as a 'lovely man' and adult child? It's totally normal to live at home into your 20s, I feel you're getting way ahead of yourself here. Sort the training/job first then in 5 years think about a potential move out.

I think it's fine to suggest it. Once he realises the financial realities of moving out it might seem like quite an attractive option!

It's a thorny one - but...what are his hobbies? Is there any chance that he could turn one of them into a business, at the very least freelancing?

That could be a lot more useful to his future than trying to get him onto a career ladder of some sort.

Sorry, he is a child, but he's been chatting my ear off the last few weeks about his friends plans.
I moved out at 16, so I'm probably worrying he's going to do the same.

I just don't want to him feel unable to have the things his friends have when he is someone who really puts the effort in.

I am definitely 1 billion percent getting ahead of myself. 🙈

I'm confused, is he an adult or is he 16? If the latter than you are running before you can walk. Just let him grow, and once he's in the working world he will slowly get more of a clue of what direction he wants to go in. Realistically he is going to be living at home for a lot more years, so just enjoy the here and now.

How old is he?

I have to be realistic because he's working so hard to get into 6th form

How old is he?
Not that that answers your question but a lot of young people wanting to get a property of their own do have a bit of savings behind them or are working.

Don't write off an apprenticeship or maybe a training college if you have one local.
My DC wasn't the sort to sit at a desk all day and didn't want a computer based job so did a course in engineering.

In most areas of the country 16 year olds can no longer afford to move out and rent some where due to the lack of housing available to rent. This means that adults in their 20+ are struggling.

Also most young adults end up living in house shares as one bedroom flats that people can afford with bills and council tax are grim.

He's 16 which seems so young to me, but he's planning all these things and whilst I love he talks to me and keeps me in his loop, I guess I'm worried he'll just up and off and get into debt etc to keep up with his pals.

I've clearly given this quite alot more thought than I needed to, but I remember being 16 and fending for myself and I just don't want him to struggle.

It's totally unrealistic to expect to move out and rent at that age without an unusually good job or a lot of parental help. It's not something I would even stress about. You might find it's all talk, I'd be surprised if many of his friends will be renting a 1k flat within the next few years, good parental income or not. He can't move out at 16 without the financial means so why are you even worrying?

Don’t kids just live at home until they decide to move out?

is he paying rent at the minute?

leave him be. Let him work it out for himself.

mine know they are always welcome here. If and when they decide to move out they’ll be old enough to work out the finances themselves.

What on earth???

He’s not even say his GCSE’s yet, and you’re worrying about this?!?!! 😬

And even if he was older, it’s still not even a question is it?

He won’t have either the rent or the deposit to move out, so of course he’s staying with you.

Do you know what I think has worried me? Sounds absolutely bonkers, but just how expensive basics are. How the hell people are supposed to have a hope in hell without as much help as possible is just alot to think about.

He doesn't pay rent, I'm just thinking long term of things I can realistically do.

I'm not overly neurotic usually, it's just I'm reading here people now making 6 figures are struggling and it's just shocking.

Yes, it is incredibly difficult for young people now.

Either you have help with a deposit, have extremely high earnings, or you are stuck renting for an eternity.

The most realistic way to help for most parents is to have them live at home without charging any rent.

Makes me very angry indeed that some parents who are in a position to do this, chose not to, under the pretence of some kind of life lesson in money.

It's horrible isn't it? Unless you struggle with your DC's company or something I can't understand why you'd not help them.

Chill, my lovely. Don't write him off just yet! Being academic isn't the only route to well paying jobs. What are his interests? It may be worth investigating to see if they're something that could potentially lead to a good job. One of mine with asd started out doing an apprenticeship in Web development and he's started on this path and doing very well. The tech industry is full of nd people.

Just stop engaging with any talk of moving out , if he mentions it again just tell him it’s a few years off and worry about it when it’s closer to happening .

My son’s best friend couldn’t finish 6th form due to a serious injury and too much time off school.

He already had excellent GCSE’s.

His parents made him get a minimum wage job and pay them most of his salary in rent at the age of 17.

How he’s ever supposed to move on from that now, I have no idea 😡

I'm in my 30s and live 'at home' because it doesn't seem to matter how much I save, house prices are rising faster. I earn around £25k a year and I'd be surprised if your son is on more than that before he's 25 or so without an apprenticeship or degree.

My son is literally the only person who was born in the 2000s who happens to be exceptionally crap at technology! 😂

He actually would like to do some kind of work with trauma and grief, he lost lots of family quite tragically when he was younger, which really affected him, so he thinks that's something he'd enjoy, helping others come to terms with grief. However again, I'm not sure how academic he'd need to be for that.

I do need to chill. I've read these replies and I can see I'm just being absolutely daft. So I thank you for kind replies.
I'm a hormonal pregnant mess also, so I'm just over thinking obviously.

I suppose everyone just wants their kids to have things easier than they did don't they? Thanks for kind words and advice and reality check x

I'm just thinking. If he's only 16. And gos into an estate agent and says I would like to rent that flat. They are going to do affordability checks which from what I understand he won't pass ? Due to know realible income .

Leave him be
Let him plan
Let him live his life
If that is renting innice part in his 20s so be it
His life to live

good grief he hasn't even sat GCSEs!

At the moment there is a whole world out there and he has no idea how he is going to fit into it.

Wait and see how he goes. He may move out to share with friends, he may not. He may last 2 months and come home because your cooking is better!
Concentrate on training. What does he want to do in sixth form? What is his back up plan if he doesn't get into sixth form?
If he isn't academic, have you thought about a trade? Plumber? Electrician? Builder? Good earnings, in demand and needs less academic qualifications.
If he does A levels, then what?

try and get him to focus on training, not on where he is going to live. He will need to live at home for at least the next 2 years and he will not be entilted to anything and he is expected to be in school or training.

OK, here's a question: what's his motivation behind wanting a plan to move out? Is it because he's feeling like he needs his own space?

That's very common with folk with ASD. I'm one of them, and I felt like everything I was doing at school was precisely geared towards the goal of moving out and becoming my own person so I could build my life around my own needs without necessarily needing to consider others. I felt a bit selfish in that respect at the time, and being diagnosed autistic three decades later kind of puts it in a different context - looking back, it was more of a recognition that my needs were different to the rest of the household.

Anyway, if it's something like that, then could you work towards him having his own slightly-more-independent space in the house (or even an outbuilding that's "his" - do you have a brick shed that could be made practical for living?).

Ultimately, it's not practical for most under-25s to comfortably live on their own these days, unless they land a unicorn job (which, from your description, doesn't sound realistic right now).

@ShipSpace that's truly shit. I'll never understand some people.

@SnuggleBuggleBoo it's absolutely disgraceful that you work so hard and still can't get somewhere. I'm really sorry. It's a joke.

I probably should really tell him we'll discuss all this when he's older, he's just so excited that I don't want to piss on his parade.

Youth and freedom are exciting until you realise you're poor and it gets boring 😂