Letting adult children live at home - wwyd?

[Lwrenagain]

TLDR - wanting DS to have the life he wants but needing realistic ways to achieve it & would keeping him home to save cash make his goals easier to reach?

My very sensible eldest son is the most lovely man to spend time with, both myself and DP (stepdad) adore him and we've younger children at home who also love him dearly.
I'd quite happily keep him at home forever.
But he really wants to live in the fancier part of our local area where his friends live.
I'm very supportive of this and hope he achieves this.
However it's one of the most expensive areas to live locally and for all my sons wonderful qualities he isn't an academic sort. I can imagine he'll work tirelessly for an employer, he just isn't really able to see a future of employment that pays well.
We've considered apprenticeships etc and other things but he's not very good at being practical and he's ASD with a very mild learning disability. Although you'd not know unless you really knew him.

Whilst I don't want to write him off being stuck in NMW jobs like ones I've always had, I have to be realistic because he's working so hard to get into 6th form and the teachers aren't sure he'll get the grades. (He attends afterschool and weekend classes and my DP tutors him. It just isn't sinking in.)

Would I be unreasonable to suggest he stays home once he's found employment and saves up enough for a house deposit which is most definitely cheaper than rent where he wants to live. Rent is over 1k a month for 1 bed flat.
His friends will have more money and are from quite well off families, they will be able to afford renting.

I unfortunately don't have the funds who start him on the property ladder, but I can definitely let him live rent free and cover his meals etc and try and teach him to be good with money?

I can't do anymore to help him become a high flyer career wise but if he gets a decent deposit and savings behind him, maybe that will keep him in good sted long term?

Sorry its a long one and any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated!

@steppemum you're absolutely 💯 spot on.

@xyxygy this is really interesting because he has said for years he'd love to have a summerhouse or habitable shed!
He likes the idea of being close enough to see us daily, (we facetime when he's with his dad etc and he rings every day if he's on holiday with dad and dsm) but he wants to have space. It's definitely worth considering he might be a bit overwhelmed with a busy household. His younger brother is quite severely autistic (I know I shouldn't say that) but I think he can drive him a bit mental with his noises and things. So I'm definitely going to discuss this with him!

Thanks everyone x

Would I be unreasonable to suggest he stays home once he's found employment and saves up enough for a house deposit which is most definitely cheaper than rent where he wants to live.

In the light of his inexperience, issues, career and earning potential, is it likely to think he will ever qualify for a mortgage/be ab;e to buy a home? If not, then he's going to be a lifetime renter; probably of more modest property than he wants. He's not going to be a "high flyer, or high earner.

Sounds like you both need to be a great deal more realistic. First, you need to make sure he has all the skills he needs to leave home; know how to buy and cook food, do his own laundry, clean his home, budget his income, prioritise spending.

Charging him some rent to live at home would at least help him understand that domestic costs are not free gifts from heaven; food, heat, wifi and TV, hot showers etc cost money.

You're getting ahead of yourself, OP.

Plenty of people do live with their parents in their twenties or even later to save money. It's very normal these days. But obviously you don't want him to stay at home with you forever, which means that at some point he'd need to be earning enough to support himself living independently.

The best thing you can do for your son right now is encourage him to explore the different career options available to him.

What does he enjoy? And what is he actually good at?

If there's a question mark over whether he is good enough to go to sixth form then it doesn't sound like he's university material. Knowing this now is actually an advantage. Many young people these days go to university and get into tens of thousands of pounds worth of debt for a degree which doesn't even lead to a better paid job. Meanwhile, some people who don't go to university are several years into their chosen occupation by the time their friends graduate, without any debt.

Depending on his skill set, he could do a manual trade such as builder, plumber, electrician etc. Alternatively there may be jobs in the public sector which don't require a degree, or other self employed options which would involve taking qualifications but not going to university, such as becoming a driving instructor for example. (He'd need to do something else before that one though, as I don't think you can teach anyone else to drive until you're over 21 and have had a licence for at least 3 years.)

Rather than thinking about where he is going to live, when it sounds like that isn't an immediately pressing concern right now, help him identify what his skills are (or could be) so that he can find a way of making a decent living. That way, by the time he's 21 or 22 he could be living with you, be several years into his working life, and have some savings behind him already.

For what it's worth...after my parents split, my mother gave my younger brother the (old stone) shed as a living space from 15-19, and he absolutely loved having his own independent space. He could retreat there when he needed alone time, he'd often invite his friends round to his "house", and it all worked out relatively well.

I will say he is very good at cooking and cleaning and laundry etc, that's something that he's always been keen on doing also.

It seems many people are staying at home now until later anyway aren't they?
And if we can make it nice for them and give them independence etc then it'll probably be quite nice for them.

@RosaBonheur thats actually lots to really consider. His gross motor skills aren't wonderful however they're not totally lacking, so I'm very hopeful we can look at him getting some kind of career that he can flourish with

I never in my life heard a parent refer to their 16 year old school child as a "lovely man".

Until today.

If you're making six figures and struggling you have very expensive habits. For straightforward living expenses it's not necessary

I'm sure you'll recover from the shock pet. I did mean to say young man but I'm sure that'll still be problematic 🙈

Would it be legal for a 16 year old to sign a tenancy agreement unless they're homeless.

I did but that was over 20 years ago now so I have absolutely no idea

If you're under 18, it's unlikely you'll be able to sign a tenancy contract or mortgage agreement. If you're 16 or 17 and homeless, you'll usually be provided with accommodation by Children's Services at your local council. This is because you'll be considered a 'child in need'.
www.gov.uk › your-rights-to...
Your rights to housing if you're under 18 - GOV.UK

@Crumpleton

There's no hurry. I would plan around him moving out at 18+. And not to move into a single rented flat but a room in a shared flat. Living independently is good for young people and quite apart from being much cheaper a shared flat is a great way for youngsters to learn from each other and figure out how to manage everyday household things together, not just having to depend on parents to tell them what to do or to do everything for them.

I wonder if he might benefit from a 5/10 year plan with steps?

Like step 1 study hard for GCSE’s, step 2 be accepted for college, step 3 attend college, step four apply for a part time job alongside college, step five start saving etc.

Break it down to achieving steps that he can work towards with the end goal being living independently.

Btw I would imagine with a new baby on the way and a younger sibling who has his own needs your eldest is probably just craving space and peace (not meant rudely!).
Maybe spend some time with him looking at how he can achieve this while still living at home.

Sounds like he could become a counsellor. Look at courses available locally.

There are lots of people who are not academic and struggle in some ways who go on to have great careers. It's just takes the determination of the person to get where they want to be and sometimes a little more time.

With a supportive family like he has he will get there.

Just see what happens. If he starts working, he should give you a minimal amount for continuing to live there. But essentially it's all his decision.

See what the local FE college offers. Even if school has been supportive, a lot of 6th forms are a big step up and basically A level factories. You might find that a course in say 'Health and Social Care' could be useful to get him where he wants to go. Have you been in touch with NAS? They might have support for young adults re work/college etc.

I would let him move out if he wants to do but make it very clear that if it becomes unaffordable, a struggle, or lonely, that he always has a home with you.

Don’t underestimate how well jobs like plumbing, electricians etc can pay for someone diligent and hard working. An apprenticeship could well lead him to a decent job that he will be happy in.

You are worrying about this prematurely!

My ds is 21. He is still at home, he’s welcome to stay as long as he wants. He’s in a career and earning a good wage for his age.

Unfortunately, with 2 younger children we can’t afford to completely support another adult, so he pays £275 a month rent to us. I feel shit about that, in an ideal world, I wouldn’t charge a child of mine to live at home, but we just have to.

He’d rather pay rent here though than pay three times that for a a room in a gritty house share like friends of his do.

I left home at 16. I wish I had a family like ds does to live with. I would have done so much better in life with the level of love and support ds has from us.

If he's a good cook, how about something like being a chef or working in catering? You don't earn megabucks but can make a decent living.

I did too. But it was in 1996.

He hasn't done his GCSE's yet, has no income,but you're worried he's going to move out? To where?! You also say you're not currently charging him rent... again, where would he be getting rent money from?

I live in London, and I'm the only one out of my close friends that lives by themselves (well in a houseshare) in my wider friendship circle, I have friends who share with people in their 50s.

It's expensive and I have a decent job but my aunties and uncles managed to buy a house on minimum wage jobs.

I'd also say don't write him off because if you start to write him off he will believe that, and then think he's only capable of a minimum wage job.

I don't think, and especially on here people really have an idea of what young people are currently facing. I'm in my 20s.

Hi @Lwrenagain
The best thing you can do for him is to keep an open mind and remember there is more than one way to skin a cat.
If sixth form is going to be stretch then forget it and look at colleges and Btecs/T levels instead.
My boy, ASD and learing difficulty, went to college and did a Btec Level 3 Engineering. Classroom based, minimal writing, heavy on maths and science. He came out with a very respectable result.

He was thinking about an apprenticeship but it didn't work out which I'm quite glad about as I couldn't really see him handling potentially lethal equipment.
He decided to take a year out. Got a job in Tescos, he's raking in the money, saved £4,000 since October. They love him because he works hard and smiles at the customers.
He decided he wanted to go to university. He researched the courses himself. He has a place at uni this autumn. He didn't quite have enough ucas points but got a contextual offer because of the ASD and having been in care. He also had the option of doing a foundation year.
He passed his driving test last week.
So the end result is - he is pretty much in the same place as his mates who went to 6th form and straight to uni, but he will have about £7k in the bank which he has earned
6th form and Alevels isn't the be all and end all.

Can he drive? If so there is a huge shortage of lorry drivers. My son, who is not at all academic, did his Class 2 then after about 5 years decided to do his class 1 and enjoys driving to different parts of the country. He is making a very good living considering his lack of A levels. He can afford to buy his own house and has a nice car too. DHL paid for my son to do lorry driver training and paid for his test too. He had to remain working for them for 2 years which he was happy to do. They pay a really generous amount into pension too. I don't work for DHL in case anyone is wondering.

It would be kind to help your son out by allowing him to live rent free. However make sure he opens a LISA to put money he is saving for deposit in as the government tops it up as a reward for saving for a deposit. Make sure he won't just spend all of his money.