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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Large age gap relationships

90 replies

Kennedydavenport · 25/04/2023 09:19

I'm talking 20+ years. Is anybody in one/been in one?
I'm thinking of Emmanuel Macron and his wife, who is around 25 years his senior, and Aaron Taylor Johnson whose wife is 24 years his senior. Both couples have been together for a long time, especially the former.
I just wonder in the future when one partner is 80 and the other is still mid 50s, and how that will pan out.
I guess the younger partner could die tomorrow, nothing is guaranteed. See plenty of 65+ year old rockers or film stars with women 30 years younger than them.

OP posts:
Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 25/04/2023 11:22

Kennedydavenport · 25/04/2023 11:09

I don't know how a certain somebody didn't end up in prison for dating her 15 year old student. She certainly would be if it were today and over here.

Because they apparently didn’t date until he was older. They first met when he was her student but the official line is that the relationship came significantly later.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 25/04/2023 11:24

Of course there will always be examples where the older partner is healthier and more active than the younger. But in general, where the age gap is such that one partner could be the other’s parent, there will be problems as time goes by, especially if they have children.

Women who are coping with an adolescent child and a man of retirement age with the usual health and fatigue problems are not to be envied, imho.

Vivalaive · 25/04/2023 11:30

My relationship age gap is not quite as big as your state 20+ , my dh is nearly 13 years older than me and we met when I was 24 and dh 36. It’s worked for us for coming up to a decade now. I guess you just can’t go through life wondering if that person will pass before you / end up sick. That can easily happen to a couple who are a similar age. You just have to take life as it comes. I guess that’s the attitude to most age gap couples?

nokidshere · 25/04/2023 11:46

I don't have any feelings really on what other people do in their lives as long as it's what they want and they are consenting adults.

One of my sisters is 60 and her dh is 76. She moved him with him when she was almost 16 and he was 31. I don't think there was any doubt at all that she saw him as a way out of our shit home life and was looking for some security. But it worked. They've had a really lovely life together together, 3 children, 9 grandchildren. They are a big, close, loving and happy family.

The age gap was shocking at the time, mum called the police and there was a lot of fall out because of it. But it's stood the test of time. I know far more people in relationships where they are the same or close in ages where the female is being coerced, bullied, and generally treated badly.

JazbayGrapes · 25/04/2023 11:50

26 years, i was 20. together for 19.
Zero regrets

KimberleyClark · 25/04/2023 11:52

My DH is 11 years older than me. We have been married 33 years this year. I’m now 61 and DH is 72. There is no issue with the age gap. He is still fit, looks great for his age (better than some men younger than him), full of enthusiasm for life, loves to travel and although officially retired is still working as an academic expert his field because he loves it.

Sittingonabench · 25/04/2023 11:54

I don’t think it matters so long as there is acceptance of likely outcomes. My DH is older - he will retire well before me, I will likely be his carer and he will likely pass before me (although equally planning for the opposite). But the up side is I would likely have been carer for a man closer to my age but would also be in need of care. Hopefully I will be young and fit enough to manage. If I outlive him by a lot then yes that will be difficult but that is true of any partnership.

Original poster
Kennedydavenport · 25/04/2023 11:59

Apparently ATJ was the one who kept pursuing STJ on set and she initially wasn't interested.

OP posts:
Opplesandbononos · 25/04/2023 12:15

I was 17, he was 46.

He horrifically abused me, and when i finally fled to a refuge with our daughter it started coming out that he had been arrested multiple times for rape, sexual assault, and a previous girlfriend had commited suicide to the abuse.

He also sexually abused our daughter from the ages of 0-3 and is a pedophile.

Im still living with the damage he caused us both.

He has since decided he is a woman.

KimberleyClark · 25/04/2023 12:19

Kennedydavenport · 25/04/2023 11:59

Apparently ATJ was the one who kept pursuing STJ on set and she initially wasn't interested.

Yes I read that too.

GalileoHumpkins · 25/04/2023 12:26

I'm 16 years older than my husband and we've been together almost 20 years now. I give zero fucks if other people don't like it, it works for us.

Woahtherehoney · 25/04/2023 12:29

A friend of mine met her husband when she was 25 and he was 51. They’ve been married 7 years or so now and are so happy, they’ve got mutual interests and lots of mutual friends. I never thought big age gaps really worked in reality but they have proved me wrong.

Namechange3333777 · 25/04/2023 12:38

18 years gap here DH is 72 and I'm 54. Been married 33 years, its worked for us however he didn't have any children from his previous marriage and we have 1 child together.

Original poster
Kennedydavenport · 25/04/2023 12:54

GalileoHumpkins · 25/04/2023 12:26

I'm 16 years older than my husband and we've been together almost 20 years now. I give zero fucks if other people don't like it, it works for us.

Good on you both, what age were you when you got together?

OP posts:
NotAnotherBathBomb · 25/04/2023 14:15

Kennedydavenport · 25/04/2023 11:59

Apparently ATJ was the one who kept pursuing STJ on set and she initially wasn't interested.

Um no, I've seen interviews with them both quite to the contrary. Just have a look on TikTok. She gives off creepy vibes.

CurlewKate · 25/04/2023 16:28

I think as you get older you feel differently about this. When I was 30 a 20 year age gap would have not felt like a problem. Now, however, that would mean being in a relationship with someone pushing 80. Which is a very different thing.

Original poster
Kennedydavenport · 25/04/2023 16:40

I've googled pics of ATJ when he was 18. He was very good looking but looks so incredibly young, because he was I suppose. He looks like a boy

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 25/04/2023 17:07

I think the problem with conversations on this subject is that there are always examples where it works brilliantly. But IN GENERAL a 20 year age gap means that there are going to be a lot of years when one can't keep up with the other. And while it's not something I think is a good idea for either sex, it's sad but true that men tend to hold more power, whether they are the older or the younger. So women are likely to be the losers, whichever way round it is. Oh, and people do "talk" about same sexual couples with big age gaps too. They definitely do!!

givemecoffeenow · 25/04/2023 17:41

I think it’s one thing if you just happen to fall in love with someone who’s of a different age range.

However I have noticed it’s common for men to deliberately look for younger women when dating. I find that creepy.

CurlewKate · 25/04/2023 17:48

@@Suzannargh "Dame Joan Collins - on being questioned regarding the huge age gap between her and much much younger Percy, declared heartlessly, “well, if he dies, he dies!”

The imbalance of power is disgusting and she deserved to lose her career over it."

I think it might have been a joke. At her own expense.....

Original poster
Kennedydavenport · 25/04/2023 17:57

I think the imbalance of power comment was in fact referring to Sam Taylor Johnson but may be wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kennedydavenport · 25/04/2023 17:59

They got together when Percy Gibson was in his late 30s so hardly some naïve 18 year old.

OP posts:
CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 25/04/2023 18:33

Stephen Fry for example has a 30 year age gap with his partner and nobody comments

Maybe you never heard any comments, but it certainly was commented on by people I know in a 'urgh' kind of way.

ATJ could have been shaking his cock in STJ's face. Doesn't mean she had to take up his offer. It is very creepy. He is only 8 years older than one of her daughters.

I also hate the threads on here telling older women to 'go for it and have fun' with much younger men. Utter hypocrisy.

purplecheesecat · 25/04/2023 20:02

I generally think live and let live, but I have to admit I would be a bit uncomfortable and feel that there was an inherent power imbalance if the age gap relationship began when the younger party was less than about 24/25 years old.

Okaygoahead · 25/04/2023 20:22

17-year gap with us (I'm younger). He is certainly fitter than I am and takes better care of himself, continues to work and is very active. I did wind up taking a bit of a hit career-wise - because he was more 'established' it just made sense that he should take the opportunities that presented themselves, and my turn never really seemed to come. I do also think that the difference makes itself felt more the older you get.