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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find my DH’s use of this phrase odd?

92 replies

Mintchocmabel · 24/04/2023 20:29

‘I didn’t have time to’

The family were talking over dinner about a new piece of garden furniture, which we were all keen to get but DH hasn’t yet used. When asked why he didn’t try it out whilst we were all chilling at home yesterday his reason was ‘because I didn’t have time to’. We pointed out (in a nice way) that he watched the London Marathon for several hours so that would have been ample time to use it if he’d wanted to, it’s not that he didn’t have time to, he just did something else.

DC started laughing but DH maintained that he ‘didn’t have time to’ enjoy the furniture because he was doing something else relaxing instead. We couldn’t get through to him that choosing a different leisure activity (as opposed to doing chores which couldn’t wait) doesn’t mean he didn’t have time to try out the furniture.

This normally rational DH got very upset, said that was only our opinion of how the phrase should be used, and his opinion was just as valid, started shouting at DC for laughing at him, and has gone upstairs in a sulk. He insists he’s not embarrassed either as he hasn’t got it wrong.

Sure there may be variations in some regions regarding different English phrases but this seems a simple one. Wherever I’ve heard the phrase it’s used to demonstrate that they’ve been too busy with necessary things to find the bit of time to do XYZ. If they had time but chose to do something else then it simply wasn’t a priority.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 25/04/2023 09:01

What's the garden furniture that he didn't have time to use? Is it a hot tub? Misses the point of this thread

Original poster

Mintchocmabel · 25/04/2023 09:03

Well thank you (those who stuck to topic) for clearing up my misunderstanding of this common phrase. Even though it was very much a ‘I’ve been soooo busy I haven’t had time’, and that set DC laughing, I understand why there are so many differing interpretations. I’d just never heard it used this way.

I told DC at the time to stop laughing, DH has said he doesn’t know why he overreacted, and we (there are only three of us in the house) are going to spend time in the garden this evening if weather permits. Sorry to disappoint all the witch-hunters. MN at its best as always.

OP posts:

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/04/2023 09:23

Do you remember how you felt it was pathetic when your husband wanted to have the last word, even though everyone else thought he was wrong?

SophieinParis · 25/04/2023 10:28

Freefall212 · 25/04/2023 06:43

What enjoyment do you get from keeping the testing going until your children or husband get upset and start crying and yelling. Do you keep going? Keep laughing at them until they leave the room and don’t want to be around you anymore and feel hurt at being laughed at and mocked? And you think that is awesome! I was able to make my kid feel horrible?

That is actually abusive. Fun teasing doesn’t get to that point. Teasing isn’t about hurting and upsetting people and not stopping when they say enough. You might think it is haha funny to cause your kids emotional distress but no, most others don’t. There are many ways to tease and joke and have fun that don’t require the rest of the family to relentless mock and laugh at and invalidate one person until they crack and cry / yell and leave. And being a parent who likes to watch your kids experience emotional distress you caused isn’t actually funny either.

Show quote history

Erm…wtaf are you on about?! Where in my post did I say I got enjoyment from
my husband and children “getting upset and yelling”?!! Or that I cause my children “emotional distress” and “enjoy” it? I don’t think my children have ever once got upset/yelled or been emotionally distressed by anything I’ve ever said to them in their lives! (Except for when they are told to tidy the playroom). A bit of
light teasing and joking in a family context shouldn’t cause emotional distress to NT children. And as for my husband..he’s a 45 year old man. He can take his 9 year old daughter teasing him for saying something
silly..he even thinks its quite amusing and sweet. 🫢

Freefall212 · 25/04/2023 10:46

SophieinParis · 25/04/2023 10:28

Show quote history

In OPs thread...they pointed it out to him, they laughed at him, they kept going at him, they couldn't get through to him, he tried to keep explain what it meant to him, they kept invalidating it, he started to get upset, they still insisted they were right and he was wrong, he got more upset and left the room.

You posted to say that is great and we do that with our kids and it is awesome, yay families that treat each other this way, just good fun and teasing....in response to an example where nothing sounds like good fun or teasing. The person on the receiving end certainly wasn't enjoying it and getting more and more upset.

ArcticSkewer · 25/04/2023 10:50

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/04/2023 09:23

Do you remember how you felt it was pathetic when your husband wanted to have the last word, even though everyone else thought he was wrong?

😂

Tilliemolly · 25/04/2023 11:27

you sounded like you ganged up on him, and laughing is not nice, it was his time and he chose something else to do, it is not up to you to decide what he does.

Kolakalia · 25/04/2023 11:28

I think you were all being a bit of a dick to him. He probably didn't expect that using a phrase in casual conversation would be directly challenged and picked over.

If I say 'I didn't have time to do it/I haven't had chance to do that yet' I don't literally mean every single minute/hour was chock full of unavoidable activities, I just mean that I haven't got around to it. I think most people use in that way. We all do optional things that we could eschew for something else if we really needed to. He just means he hadn't got around to it. Maybe watching the marathon was something really important to him he'd had planned for a while so not something he'd skip to try some furniture out.

'We couldn't get through to him' so multiple people sat there trying to tell your DH he was using the phrase wrongly (to what end? To embarrass him?), his children were laughing at him and his wife insisting he was speaking incorrectly and he left the situation? Don't blame him. Is he often picked at/challenged/the butt of people's jokes? Sounds a bit exhausting and mean. Can't imagine being sat chatting with family and friends and saying 'oh, haven't had time to watch that new series yet' and my spouse piping up with 'akshually you DID have time technically, didn't you watch that film the other day?'.

I think if this was a mum posting that she'd said that and her husband and children were all laughing at her, insisting she was wrong, to the extent that she actually left the room, and then he came online to get further justification that she was wrong then people would see this a bit differently.

Greentree1 · 25/04/2023 11:31

I guess the rest of you didn't have the time to watch the Marathon, because you were too busy in the garden doing whatever it was.

Seems like a storm in a teacup.

Kolakalia · 25/04/2023 11:34

Reading through the rest of your replies OP... sounds like there's definitely something weird going on under the surface. Some sort of resentment/contempt there. Lack of respect. You don't sound very loving or kind. Families are supposed to be loving and supportive of one another, not harshly critical.

And your huffy, haughty responses show that you really, really don't like being told when you're in the wrong. Wonder if that was part of why you kept needling at him for being wrong and were so aggrieved when he chose to leave and didn't back down immediately?

People are going by what YOU shared about your family, and given that we tend to portray ourselves in a positive light it's quite telling that others have recognised how shitty you acted.

pigsDOfly · 25/04/2023 11:48

SchoolShenanigans · 25/04/2023 06:49

Why don't you teach your children tolerance rather than picking on people who use phrases you don't agree with.

They'll be the annoying kids who miss the point of a story because they're too busy trying to mock the person for a word they used.

Yep, they'll be the sort of people who on reading a long thread on MN from somebody who is going through a really hard time will say something like 'paragraphs would have been helpful' if paragraphs are absent, or pick up on the lack of correct gramma or spelling.

What does it matter if he said he didn't have time.

He prioritised watching a marathon over trying out some garden stuff. His choice, why create an issue over it. It was hardly something of great importance.

Pulling people up on the words they use and laughing at them isn't something children should be taught in the home. They learn enough bullying at school.

FlowersEverywherePlease · 25/04/2023 17:31

I'm sorry but I don't understand why you are bothered.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 25/04/2023 19:09

I think you were weird tbh. If he wanted to watch the marathon and do x and Y the. Yes - he didn't have time (between those things) to try the furniture.

The it sounds like you were acting like he was thick and poking and prodding at him over something meaningless... why does he need to have 'tried the furniture'?

Sorry but you were being needlessly weird.

SargentSagittarius · 25/04/2023 19:51

I got that a lot when my DP didn’t explain basic common knowledge to me and let me look the laughing stock in public instead.

I am really intrigued by this statement ….. 🤔

FlowersEverywherePlease · 25/04/2023 20:59

IDontWantToBeAPie · 25/04/2023 19:09

I think you were weird tbh. If he wanted to watch the marathon and do x and Y the. Yes - he didn't have time (between those things) to try the furniture.

The it sounds like you were acting like he was thick and poking and prodding at him over something meaningless... why does he need to have 'tried the furniture'?

Sorry but you were being needlessly weird.

This.

SchoolTripDrama · 25/04/2023 21:37

Do you normally pick on him in front of guests OP?? He was inside doing something he wanted to do. Which he has the autonomy to do. Trying out the new garden furniture isn't a job you must enforce it's a choice and he didn't get chance to make that choice as he'd made other choices - which he's perfectly entitled to do!!

YABVVVVU

UsingChangeofName · 26/04/2023 00:03

To answer the question you've asked, rather than nit-picking over the other things, YWBU.

He didn't have time to try your new garden furniture, because he was spending his time doing something else. The fact that you didn't value the thing he chose to spend his time doing, is neither here nor there. We can each choose to spend our leisure time doing whatever suits us, and, in filling our time in that was of choosing, means there might not be enough hours or minutes to do something else. What he said was right and factual.
Even if I have a lie in on Saturday, so my day is shorter than yours, I could still say "I didn't have time to do X or Y". The fact that it was because I chose to have a shorter day, because, for me, catching up on sleep is important is neither here nor there. In the hours available to me on that day, I would be choosing to use them as I wanted / as I prioritised and therefore wouldn't have time to do something that didn't make it to the top of the list.

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