Page 3 | To find my DH’s use of this phrase odd?

Mintchocmabel · 2023-04-24T19:29:31+00:00

‘I didn’t have time to’ The family were talking over dinner about a new piece of garden furniture, which we were all keen to get but DH hasn’t yet used. When asked why he didn’t try it out whilst we were all chilling at home yesterday his reason was ‘because I didn’t have time to’. We pointed out (in a nice way) that he watched the London Marathon for several hours so that would have been ample time to use it if he’d wanted to, it’s not that he didn’t have time to, he just did something else. DC started laughing but DH maintained that he ‘didn’t have time to’ enjoy the furniture because he was doing something else relaxing instead. We couldn’t get through to him that choosing a different leisure activity (as opposed to doing chores which couldn’t wait) doesn’t mean he didn’t have time to try out the furniture. This normally rational DH got very upset, said that was only our opinion of how the phrase should be used, and his opinion was just as valid, started shouting at DC for laughing at him, and has gone upstairs in a sulk. He insists he’s not embarrassed either as he hasn’t got it wrong. Sure there may be variations in some regions regarding different English phrases but this seems a simple one. Wherever I’ve heard the phrase it’s used to demonstrate that they’ve been too busy with necessary things to find the bit of time to do XYZ. If they had time but chose to do something else then it simply wasn’t a priority.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 24/04/2023 23:52

I didn't have time to read my book tonight because I was watching I'm a celeb.
Or
I didn't have time to read my book tonight because I was busy with the ironing/cooking/painting

I don't understand why he can't use "didn't have time" just because what he was doing instead was a choice rather than a chore. There are only so many hours in a day, we can't always fit everything we need or want to do in them so choices have to be made, so yeah, "didn't have time" works fine.

Original poster

Mintchocmabel · 25/04/2023 00:04

Thank you @sophieinparis I know it ultimately got out of hand and that wasn’t great. I was astonished though at how quickly he snapped when he’s normally pretty laid back.

For those people so entertained by a few recent comments, we sat watching the marathon together after DC and I cooked him a Full English (at his request). What nasty people we are! The bloody furniture wasn’t even mentioned until today.

Some of these MNers are clearly such experts on my family though that they can’t see their own nasty assumptions about what what a horrible wife and child we are. Makes them thoroughly unpleasant and judgmental in their own right.

No doubt if I’d posted with no reference to the circumstances, ignored that DH couldn’t take a ribbing from his own family, turned on my DC, yelled and stropped off without saying goodnight, they’d have still come up with a whole other agenda to stir up a reaction. Pitiful.

OP posts:

FrangipaniBlue · 25/04/2023 00:16

MysteryBelle · 24/04/2023 21:47

What a petty thing with which to rake someone over the coals. He didn’t have time to because he was watching the London marathon, he didn’t have the time meaning he wasn’t willing to give his time to sitting in a chair outside, he wasn’t interested in your lawn chair, why keep asking him? because for him, his time was given toward a different activity that spanned throughout the day. His phrasing is fine.

He probably couldn’t fathom why you were clenched onto this like a pit bull and then sicced dc on him. Very strange. Over a perfectly fine phrase. All he wanted was to watch the London marathon in peace. He wasn’t bothering anyone.

And now you act shocked “what, little ole me, what did I do?” as a big grinch grin spreads across your face. And come on here to get us onside. Bizarre.

This!!!!

Team DH all the way.

BadNomad · 25/04/2023 00:26

I don't see what was wrong with what he said. "I didn't have time to" just means "I didn't have time left after doing all the other things". It's a pretty common phrase and it makes sense.

SargentSagittarius · 25/04/2023 00:29

Pitiful.

You provided a snapshot, and you asked for opinions.

🤷🏻‍♀️

whynotwhatknot · 25/04/2023 00:29

sounds more like coldnt be bothered than didnt have time to

ComputerWifeKaren · 25/04/2023 00:39

That would annoy me. It's just not true. An ex of mine often said "good things come to wait" which made me grind my teeth every fucking time. We were in my mums house at the time and the pillows on the sofa had covers on with the correct fucking phrase printed on the front (they pissed me off too - live, laugh, love type. FUCK OFF)

P1ckledonionz · 25/04/2023 01:27

So he can dish it out to his kids but he can't take it 🤣

Another emotionally stunted one...

sonearly · 25/04/2023 01:37

He used some time to watch the marathon.

YABU for being the petty gang 😂

OzziePopPop · 25/04/2023 01:50

Annoyingwurringnoise · 24/04/2023 20:35

Is he a teenager? Sounds like my DS. I haven’t had time to = I was too busy lying on my bed staring at my phone.

Exactly, this is how my 16 year old daughter uses the term. She didn’t have time to do the dishwasher/walk the dog/clean her room…because she was watching tv while texting her friends!

Freefall212 · 25/04/2023 06:43

SophieinParis · 24/04/2023 23:12

Gosh, i didn’t realise so many families and couples took each other so seriously!!!! It’s so dry!

I feel like my husband and 4 children spend a very large proportion of the day
teasing me and each other! It’s occasionally irritating when your entire family is mocking you but it’s quite funny and I don’t take myself very seriously tbh.

I couldn’t live in an environment where it’s “rude” and “bullying” to tease your husband for saying he didn’t have time to relax in the garden, as he was too busy relaxing inside.

OP, it was a slightly ridiculous thing for him
to say and my reaction would have been the same. Except my husband would have rolled his eyes and said something equally
mocking back to me and I would have laughed and that’s that.

What enjoyment do you get from keeping the testing going until your children or husband get upset and start crying and yelling. Do you keep going? Keep laughing at them until they leave the room and don’t want to be around you anymore and feel hurt at being laughed at and mocked? And you think that is awesome! I was able to make my kid feel horrible?

That is actually abusive. Fun teasing doesn’t get to that point. Teasing isn’t about hurting and upsetting people and not stopping when they say enough. You might think it is haha funny to cause your kids emotional distress but no, most others don’t. There are many ways to tease and joke and have fun that don’t require the rest of the family to relentless mock and laugh at and invalidate one person until they crack and cry / yell and leave. And being a parent who likes to watch your kids experience emotional distress you caused isn’t actually funny either.

SchoolShenanigans · 25/04/2023 06:49

Why don't you teach your children tolerance rather than picking on people who use phrases you don't agree with.

They'll be the annoying kids who miss the point of a story because they're too busy trying to mock the person for a word they used.

TwoShades1 · 25/04/2023 07:01

Some families seem very strait laced and formal from reading this thread. I think the phrase “not having time” probably wasn’t the best. To me, it implies you were busy with important or essential tasks. I would probably say I hadn’t gotten around to it yet or that I chose to watch the marathon coz that’s only on at that certain time. We make jokes all the time in our family. DP recently asked DSS to pack some jeans when he came over, he replied he didn’t have any but he would bring his “good joggers”. Cue lots of jokes about the “good joggers” and them not being a substitute for jeans. The “good joggers joke will keep being brought up at any occasion that requires dressing nicely for quite a while. I still bring up the time when DSS wore 5 different pairs of shorts/jeans/joggers in a 24 hours period when we hadn’t even left the house.

Kingdedede · 25/04/2023 07:11

He hadn’t had time he’d been doing something else. It wouldn’t have even crossed my radar of he’s said that.

Freefall212 · 25/04/2023 07:17

TwoShades1 · 25/04/2023 07:01

Some families seem very strait laced and formal from reading this thread. I think the phrase “not having time” probably wasn’t the best. To me, it implies you were busy with important or essential tasks. I would probably say I hadn’t gotten around to it yet or that I chose to watch the marathon coz that’s only on at that certain time. We make jokes all the time in our family. DP recently asked DSS to pack some jeans when he came over, he replied he didn’t have any but he would bring his “good joggers”. Cue lots of jokes about the “good joggers” and them not being a substitute for jeans. The “good joggers joke will keep being brought up at any occasion that requires dressing nicely for quite a while. I still bring up the time when DSS wore 5 different pairs of shorts/jeans/joggers in a 24 hours period when we hadn’t even left the house.

that doesn’t sound like you kept at it until he was really upset and didn’t want to be around you anymore.

I grew up in a family that took teasing too far like OP and other who think it’s funny to mock and laugh at someone long after the person has had enough. I too thought this was fun. That they were just too sensitive and weak to not handle it. But as an adult I realized it’s just mean to intentionally hurt or distress others in the name of good fun. Teasing should be a fun thing, not something hurtful that upsets people and causes distress and that if someone has had enough, then it’s time to stop.

ViviPru · 25/04/2023 07:23

I’ve RTFT and can’t see anyone pointing out the important differentiation that the activities were alike in nature - both relaxing, pleasurable leisure choices.

If the activity in the garden had been an onerous, laborious, dutiful obligation; picking up dog mess, mowing the lawn, sanding and weatherproofing the deck (fml) then the OP might be more justified/accurate in her reaction/interpretation.

His saying he didn’t have time to do one of those things if he’d been doing something leisurely would wind me up too, especially if we’d allocated our task time/leisure time fairly as we do.

But if there were no pressing obligations needing doing, and he was choosing to spend leisure time how he pleased, then yes, he’s right, there’s a finite number of hours in the day and he didn’t have time to do one leisure activity because he was doing another.

bellac11 · 25/04/2023 07:26

You sound pretty horrible and I would have been upset and felt bullied if someone went on and on about what I said in answer to something

Of course he didnt have time because he spent his time doing something else, thats logical and his choice as an adult.

Its quite right that he removed himself from the situation, I wouldnt want to be around it either.

Sparkletastic · 25/04/2023 07:31

Good lord the hand maidens are out in force on this one. He clearly did have time to, he just didn't get round to it.

SeasonFinale · 25/04/2023 07:38

His usage was correct though.

He didn't have time to use the garden furniture because he was doing something else. It doesn't matter whether that was by choice or necessity. Because he was otherwise engaged he didn't have time to try out the new furniture.

NotTerfNorCis · 25/04/2023 07:39

I kind of sympathise. I often 'don't have time' for gardening because I'm busy reading. OH 'doesn't have time' for reading because he's playing computer games. We give the time to what we like doing and therefore find more important.

Nimbostratus100 · 25/04/2023 07:47

Mintchocmabel · 25/04/2023 00:04

Thank you @sophieinparis I know it ultimately got out of hand and that wasn’t great. I was astonished though at how quickly he snapped when he’s normally pretty laid back.

For those people so entertained by a few recent comments, we sat watching the marathon together after DC and I cooked him a Full English (at his request). What nasty people we are! The bloody furniture wasn’t even mentioned until today.

Some of these MNers are clearly such experts on my family though that they can’t see their own nasty assumptions about what what a horrible wife and child we are. Makes them thoroughly unpleasant and judgmental in their own right.

No doubt if I’d posted with no reference to the circumstances, ignored that DH couldn’t take a ribbing from his own family, turned on my DC, yelled and stropped off without saying goodnight, they’d have still come up with a whole other agenda to stir up a reaction. Pitiful.

no we dont know you. We are judging you entirely by what you say you are like, and the behaviour you describe in your own family.

Ellie1015 · 25/04/2023 08:07

Didnt have time to is absolutely fine use. Doesn't have to mean he was doing chores.

Would be a bit ott to say "i prioritised watching the marathon over trying the new garden " or a bit rude to say "i didnt want to"

It was polite/boring chit chat. I think you were really rude to call him out on this. And kids rude for laughing too.

melj1213 · 25/04/2023 08:29

YABU "didn't have time to" just means "I was doing something else with my time".

It would be unreasonable to use that phrase if the task he didn't do was an essential chore and the task he did do was a leisure activity, despite him agreeing to get the chore done that day ahead of time, (eg "I didn't have time to mow the lawn because I was watching TV") because one is a necessary task and the other is an optional fun thing.

However, when both things are the same type of activity then it's perfectly reasonable to say "I didn't have time to sit out in the garden as I was watching the marathon on TV", though personally I would use the phrase "I didn't get round to doing X as I was doing Y" as there's a slight nuance shift to show more intent - I intended to do X in my free time but I prioritised doing Y instead and then had other things to do, so X can wait.

Also I do think the activity can be relevent sometimes when saying "I didn't have time" even if said activity is a leisure one. If it was something like a garden swing or hammock etc then it only takes a few minutes to use it enough to say you've "tried it out" but if it's something like a hot tub - where you have to factor in time to check the set up/get changed out of clothes beforehand and drying off/getting dressed again afterwards - then it actually takes more of a time investment so it would be perfectly reasonable to say "I didn't have time to try it"

gannett · 25/04/2023 08:35

There's a high proportion of MNers who don't seem to think any use of one's time is legitimate unless it's an onerous chore or actual work.

I very frequently "didn't have time" to do X or Y because I was doing something leisurely. I read my book, so I didn't have time to tidy my office. It's perfectly OK to prioritise things you enjoy doing and to use the phrase "I didn't have time" about leisure activities.

newnamethanks · 25/04/2023 08:37

.
YABU OP and even more BU to post this having caused an unnecessary family argument.