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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for feeling like a mug over a first birthday party invitation?

72 replies

SimpsonEJ · 23/04/2023 19:02

There is a couple from our NCT group who we thought we got on with and so we invited them to our baby’s first birthday party. The group dynamic is a bit weird with a few strange characters and we don’t have much in common with many of them so we didn’t invite the whole group.

I then found out that they’ve invited another few couples from our NCT group to their baby’s first bday party but haven’t invited us even though they very enthusiastically accepted our invitation. I don’t think it’s an issue of them having enough space as they have a large house so I’m thinking they must not like us but are clearly pretending they do probably out of politeness / awkwardness.

I now feel like a mug for inviting them to ours and that it will be weird when they come but I think uninviting them would be petty and too aggressive so I’m not going to do that.

Firstly, AIBU for being upset by this? I feel like I’m being ridiculously childish, acting like an insecure teenager and I’m quite surprised by myself. I don’t know if it’s because this is our first baby and we still don’t know how these things work (maybe this is normal?) but I do feel quite insulted.

Secondly, what would you do? Would you say something? I really feel like a can’t say anything directly but I also kind of want them to know that I know we weren’t invited to theirs.

OP posts:

HowManySunflowers · 23/04/2023 19:08

YANBU to be feeling a bit upset, as it does seem that you consider them as closer friends than they think of you, although I think 'insulted' is a bit too strong. You can't uninvite them now, so just be nice to them at the party and see how the friendship develops in future. No need to write it off quite yet.

KarmaStar · 23/04/2023 19:15

I think the group dynamic is at the root of this op,I don't feel it is personal.
I can appreciate why you feel the way you do and you are right,you can't retract your invitation to them.
Am sure people will jump in and say that because you invited them it doesn't mean they have to invite you,you know that.
as I don't know the people involved its really hard to help but I don't think you were a mug,it was a kind and natural thing to do.
don't be upset,don't allow anyone else to affect your emotions.As I said,it's something more to do with how the group works rather than whether the other couple like you.
Perhaps over a coffee the other parents they may raise the subject themselves.🌈

TheWayTheLightFalls · 23/04/2023 19:17

Invite them (or rather, don't uninvite them), be pleasant, coo over their little one, and then wave them off.

Who knows what's going on? You may be best mates in two years, or not recognise one another on the street. Let the whole situation breath and see what happens.

mainsfed · 23/04/2023 19:24

Not much you can do for this party now as they’ve been invited but absolutely don’t feel obliged to invite them to any get togethers or parties in future.

Freddiefox · 23/04/2023 19:27

you invited some and left some out, they did the same.

Cottipus · 23/04/2023 19:32

It is a bit mean if they have the space to cater and aren’t limited on numbers. But you can’t really uninvite them now.

I would play dumb about knowing about their party, and just ask them if they’re having a party for their LO’s first birthday. Maybe they’ll invite you then- if they outright lie to know then you know they aren’t worth making any further effort with.

A lot of these new mum friendships can feel very intense in the early days, but then fizzle out after a couple of years.

OrigamiOwls · 23/04/2023 19:35

Freddiefox · 23/04/2023 19:27

you invited some and left some out, they did the same.

I agree with this. They've done what you did, except you don't like being on the receiving end of it. I can see why you'd be upset but it doesn't mean they should invite you. But also don't feel obligated to invite them in the future if you don't want to

Gymmum82 · 23/04/2023 19:40

I always tell my kids you can’t expect to be invited to everyone’s party and just because someone is in your top 10 friends doesn’t mean you will be in theirs.
It seems you think more of them than they do you. Which I can understand why you’re hurt. It’s not a nice feeling knowing a friendship is one sided. But you invited your ‘favourite’ couples from the NCT group and they have done the same.

rolypoly836 · 23/04/2023 19:41

Is your party first? Might they be waiting to give you the invite then?

UsingChangeofName · 23/04/2023 19:51

Freddiefox · 23/04/2023 19:27

you invited some and left some out, they did the same.

This, and

They've done what you did, except you don't like being on the receiving end of it.

and DEFINITELY this
I always tell my kids you can’t expect to be invited to everyone’s party and just because someone is in your top 10 friends doesn’t mean you will be in theirs.
which is something that a staggering amount of MNers don't seem to grasp.

Over the decades years, I've been to plenty of parties and events hosted by people that I haven't invited to things, and, similarly, I've invited loads of people to events we've hosted, where they have never invited us to people.
It just isn't something I've ever felt the need to 'score'.

If I ham having a bit of a 'do', and I would like X to be there, I invite them because I like them and enjoy their company and would like them to spend time with us. I don't invite anybody to something to be invited back .
Same as if I get invited to something. If I am free, and able to go, and like them (and am happy going to whatever event it might be), then I go, even if I wouldn't necessarily count them amongst my closest friends.

MsCunk · 23/04/2023 19:54

NCT groups are often false friendship factories.

Kedece2410 · 23/04/2023 19:56

I’m thinking they must not like us but are clearly pretending they do probably out of politeness / awkwardness

I think you're over thinking that. Sounds like as pp said they've done the same as you, invited some, not everyone. Maybe other people are feeling the way you are by being excluded from your party

User2538309 · 23/04/2023 20:05

NCT groups are weird and a lot of them have strange factions and alliances. Whilst some work out, most around us seemed to have either dramatically imploded or quietly fizzled out. I feel lucky to have got one good friend and an a couple of casual acquaintances out of ours, and to be honest it was far too much drama.

It’s not you, it’s just how things go. Neither you nor your DC have done anything wrong and you won’t be marked out as social pariahs, I promise. It’s just another dimension of mum guilt/mum worry!

drpet49 · 23/04/2023 20:10

mainsfed · 23/04/2023 19:24

Not much you can do for this party now as they’ve been invited but absolutely don’t feel obliged to invite them to any get togethers or parties in future.

This. You know where you stand with them now OP. I’d be disappointed too.

Bobbybobbins · 23/04/2023 20:11

I would just be pleasant and polite at yours. As pps have said, you never know how things will work out. The two mums I'm still friendly with now are the two I spoke to the least on the course or in the first year but we've ended up as friends.

mnahmnah · 23/04/2023 20:13

Welcome to the world of kids birthday parties! Buckle up, it’s going to be an interesting ride for a few years!

Seriously though, the politics can be ridiculous, so you just have to accept that some parties your DC won’t be invited to, even if you invite their kids. It’s just the way it goes and it’s easier to just accept it and as long as the DC enjoy their parties, keep the upset away from the parents. It’s too awkward

WelshNerd · 23/04/2023 20:15

I've always thought it's weird that people pay for the level of drama that comes with NCT classes.

Ellie1015 · 23/04/2023 20:24

It is disappointing that they don't consider you one of their closer NCT friends when you do. And that is probably upsetting to realise. But i still think it is polite/kind of them to accept invatation even though not reciprocating.

It would make me reassess my thoughts about them but I wouldn't hold a grudge or think badly of them just not invite them in future.

Tbh i would have thought for a small group like nct it would be all or none invited. It was perhaps a bit risky for any of you to start differenciating as likely a few people feel hurt/left out.

Equalitea · 23/04/2023 20:29

Sounds like politics. I wait until the school years 😂
Perhaps you don’t invite their best nct friend and out of loyalty they’ve in turn not invited you!

I know it feels awful to be snubbed but you’ve snubbed others. Sometimes we do reap what we sow.

PippaF2 · 23/04/2023 20:41

You've invited them, they're coming, leave it at that.

There could be any number of reasons that might not be what you think - e.g
-maybe they have embarrassing swearing parents and think you'd be offended,

maybe they think you're much richer and their party will look silly in comparison,
maybe the other couples invited themselves,
maybe the Dad's get on and it was the DH who invited them (maybe the Mum had a massive go at her DH/partner for inviting them)
maybe they know you don't like the other couple, maybe the other couple don't like you and this couple feel a but caught in the middle

Basically there could be a bunch of 'give them the benefit of the doubt' type reasons.

If they declined your invite and invited the other couples to their party - it would be clearer that you're not the friends you thought you were.

I'd just say - you had your little ones birthday? I heard XY attended, how was it? Make it clear you know and see if they offer up a reason.

Play it by ear. But you're not wrong to start trying to read the room so to speak.

Bashshell · 23/04/2023 20:47

Yabu. If you join nct you accept there’s going to be a few odd ones but for the sake of being kind and inclusive you should invite the whole group to the first birthday party and perhaps go separate ways after.

Inviting only some of the group is very rude and might have left others feeling left out. Maybe they got the measure of you and decided not to reciprocate!

Skybluepinky · 23/04/2023 21:08

They know u don’t like the others so didn’t invite u.

SpecialDeliveryServiceIsNeverOnTime · 23/04/2023 21:16

Who are all these people inviting whole NCT groups to 1st parties?! We had 9 couples in our group, an extra minimum 9 adults (maybe 18!) and 9 babies on top of actual friends and family was nowhere near feasible for us. It’s a shame OP but I wouldn’t write them off; if you like them then you like them, give it time to see how it plays out and have a lovely party :)

saltwater1985 · 24/04/2023 03:46

Be glad you weren't invited, first birth parties are shite misses point of thread

Phoebo · 24/04/2023 04:17

I'm sure they like you very much. It might be a numbers thing, it might be a group dynamic thing, who knows. Don't read anything into it and enjoy your child's party. There will be plenty more parties in the future

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