AIBU for feeling like a mug over a first birthday party invitation?

[SimpsonEJ]

There is a couple from our NCT group who we thought we got on with and so we invited them to our baby’s first birthday party. The group dynamic is a bit weird with a few strange characters and we don’t have much in common with many of them so we didn’t invite the whole group.

I then found out that they’ve invited another few couples from our NCT group to their baby’s first bday party but haven’t invited us even though they very enthusiastically accepted our invitation. I don’t think it’s an issue of them having enough space as they have a large house so I’m thinking they must not like us but are clearly pretending they do probably out of politeness / awkwardness.

I now feel like a mug for inviting them to ours and that it will be weird when they come but I think uninviting them would be petty and too aggressive so I’m not going to do that.

Firstly, AIBU for being upset by this? I feel like I’m being ridiculously childish, acting like an insecure teenager and I’m quite surprised by myself. I don’t know if it’s because this is our first baby and we still don’t know how these things work (maybe this is normal?) but I do feel quite insulted.

Secondly, what would you do? Would you say something? I really feel like a can’t say anything directly but I also kind of want them to know that I know we weren’t invited to theirs.

You did THE EXACT same thing as them
"Inviting some" but not others

And this is 100% fine

And juts because you invited them. Doesnt mean they HAVE TO invite you

No need to be sad or insulted op

I don't understand the invite everyone or no one comments. My group had about 10, with partners and kids that's 30 people! Naturally after a year you grow closer to some more than others so that's generally the ones you'll invite. It's a bit rough that you're not invited to theirs, given you've invited them to yours but then you also didn't invite everyone did you (sorry if I missed that). It's all a bit ridiculous for a one year old tbh.

Thank you all for your responses! It’s so helpful to get other perspectives including from those of you with more mum experience. I didn’t realise NCT was famous for these kind of politics! Having read your responses, I think the reason is that I didn’t invite her NCT bestie as we haven’t ever really spoken and she’s one of those overly-competitive mums that bond over bitching about other mums which is not my style. But I get how the couple who didn’t invite us back might feel they were being disloyal to their friend by inviting us and that it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like us (although they might not, but we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt).

I think that's actually very rude.

I can remember at least three occasions when my DCs were at school and I'd already sent out invitations to one of their birthdays when our DC then received an invitation to a child's birthday who we hadn't invited, and we always subsequently sent them an invitation as well. It's just being nice.

I've only been on the receiving end of this behaviour once - I was hurt and it turned out in hindsight that it was my one and only toxic friendship during the junior school years.

Yes, all of this. The anxious friendship point-scoring stuff on here is exhausting to even read about, far less live out. and must go some way towards explaining why so many Mners have no friends, or regard friendships as necessarily involving drama.

My sole question about instigating contact, maintaining contact or inviting people is 'Do I like this person and want to see them?'

You're being ridiculous. You invited them. They don't have to invite you. Nobody ever has to invite you.
Invites are not reciprocal. It's not a swap. Even my 6 year old knows that inviting someone to your party does not mean you will be invited to theirs!

Sorry OP but I also read it quickly as “I’m not happy someone else is doing to me what I’m doing to others.”

I’d also say parties can be so different for many reasons so I wouldn’t take it personally at all. Just because space isn’t as issue, maybe they still want to keep numbers manageable (perhaps to minimise the damage on their house - my house is bad enough after hosting adults! 😂) or want a certain atmosphere with just a small number. I avoided hosting parties personally, doing tea parties with very close relatives only when very young but took my toddler to a holiday village kind of place (a short trip timed around their birthday instead of at a different point in the year). It cost about the same as some parties and was quality family time.

Oh I totally know I’m being ridiculous. I’m not in denial about that in any way. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel what I’m feeling.

Oh I totally know I’m being ridiculous. I’m not in denial about that in any way. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel what I’m feeling.

I don’t necessarily think it’s a matter of not being happy with being on the receiving end of the same behaviour. I am not upset about not being invited to other parties hosted by people I haven’t invited. I’m only upset about this one person who I did invite but did not receive an invitation back. The reason I am upset is that I am questioning whether they were being authentic when they hung out with us previously or whether they were just being polite. I am less bothered about the party itself, I don’t even want to go!

It's a bit rude of them, in that situation I would then invite.
But when I look back at that time I used to get quite caught up in all that stuff so I know how you feel. It was a combination of being shell shocked by motherhood, having to navigate a new job with new colleagues I often had nothing in common with (which is basically what mum friends are) and everyone being sleep deprived and a bit tetchy.
You have a lot of this ahead with kids bday parties and the primary school years. My advice would be to accept that you are upset, focus on your own sleep and wellbeing, and enjoy your baby's party and your new family regardless of some NCT mum you might not even know in a year.

YANBU I would feel hurt by this and it probably is heightened as this is your first. Just mark their cards that there will be no second birthday invitations for them!

@50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself shes not ridiculous at all, who are you to tell her that? Empathy???

NCT does seem attract the fuck-a-nut, social climber types. Dumped most of mine.

you are overthinking this OP _ it's the beginning of a long journey of kids parties/ socialising via children - try not to take things too seriously.

You have no idea the dynamics behind their party - they may have big family etc or be socially anxious - who knows? Best not to dwell.

You invited them because you want to - dont give it a second thought.

I think you kind of do have to issue reciprocal invitations unless there’s a very good reason not to.

In the OP’s case I would just grin it out (if that’s a phrase!) for the party and then take a step back. Yes, it’s a horrid feeling, no matter how old you are, to discover that you like someone better than they like you

I think they're rude. If you really want to make a point/ make them feel guilty, send a card and present to their baby on it's birthday 🫣

An invitation to yours, places nobody under obligation to invite you to theirs.

We're all independent adults, right? Even after parenthood.

Maybe they don’t think your baby and their baby have bonded 💁🏻‍♀️🤣🤣

Please don’t feel bad for feeling this way, I think it’s natural. It sort of transports us back to school doesn’t it? Questioning friend groups and our “place” in social circles. It’s really normal to experience the feelings you’re having, I’d feel the same too. I’d rather just know why? Because if they’re enthusiastically accepting your invite, why wouldn’t they want to hang out with you at their own party? Don’t be shamed for feeling this way. I hope you find a resolution.

Im 3 years into this parenthood shit and I hate to say, it doesn’t get much easier. I’m still navigating feelings like this/working out friendships when the only thing in common is our kids. It’s tough. I hope you have a lovely birthday for your sweet lil bab! ❤️

I think we've all experienced this - or something similar and I can understand how you feel. For me, I often find that I hold myself and others up to a certain standard. I would always offer a reciprocal invite even though I know it's not a requirement, it just seems polite to me. Where other people have different standards, I can sometimes feel like people have let me down. I had have to adjust my way of thinking as that is not the case, it was my expectations that were unreasonable.

I might not always take my own advice but try to stop agonising. Do you like them? Do you want to spend time with them? Then enjoy the party. You did what you felt was best. You don't even know why they didn't invite you, they may have a good reason (that has nothing to do with not liking you). So forget that they didn't invite you, you can't control other people's behaviour, let it go. Ask them how the party was after and leave it at that.

That feeling of being left out will go. Then carry on as you were. HOWEVER, if it becomes a pattern of behaviour where you include them and invite them to events/activities etc. and it's not reciprocated then you may want to reassess!

It is upsetting when you find out you’re not on the invite list for someone you think of as a friend.
But, tell yourself, you like them and wanted to invite them. Your choice, no drama.
Plus don’t write off the friendship, it’s early days, you never know who is going to last.

This.

Maybe they felt it would be awkward to have you there with some of the others.

There's a member of your NCT group that you've never spoken to? And you think this other Mum might feel disloyal to the one she's closer to by inviting you?
It all sounds a bit ridiculous, tbh.

Very much this .

You are going to need to grow a thicker skin because in a few years time it will be your child who is disappointed as another child they considered their best friend hasn't invited them to their party - and you will need to be able to support that child and help them to be resilient and move on from disappointment as it's an inevitable part of life .