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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at some pathetic woman in the supermarket

106 replies

jimbobsmum · 16/02/2008 00:30

I was in the supermarket this morning with my ds (22 months). He was sat in shopping trolley 'reading' a picture book of farm animals. As we went around he was signing animals he knew and grunting animal noises. He enjoys watching something special(cbeebies) and has picked up lots of signs on his own - I don't teach him. One excuse for a human being tapped me on the shoulder and with a disgusted look on her face and disgusted manner in her voice asked if he was deaf. I wanted to slap her across her face and tell her to mind her own f'in business. I didn't of course but I know already I wasn't being unreasonable for wanting to I just need to rant so that I can sleep.

OP posts:
SheikYerbouti · 16/02/2008 08:49

Something special is great. Even though I find Justin irritating

I have had "URGH look at that kid's hand" in the supermarket directed at DS2, from someone old enough to know better (He has a congenital hand deformity, and far from being grotesque, I think his hand is actually quite sweet) I normally say something to DS2 about pitying the poor ignorant person.

She may well have been shy, or she may well have been rude. I find the best way is to react politely.

I really don't mind people asking me about DS2's hand, most people make assumptions about it (One old dear asked if it was because of Thalidomide ) which I don't mind either, because I can set them straight

TotalChaos · 16/02/2008 08:53

only jimbobsmum was there, so can really tell whether the woman did actually appear in anyway hostile. Hostility aside, in principle I don't see anything wrong in people chatting to our children/asking questions.

yurt1 · 16/02/2008 08:54

Are you sure she was disgusted? (goodness am finding myself agreeing with Kerry ). If I'm out and about and see a child who I think might have SN I often try and start a conversation (if I have time). I wouldn't use anything as direct as 'is he deaf', but I have had people very occasionally ask me if ds1 is autistic & tbh I don't mind at all- would far rather that than low muttering, tutting and grumbling.

SheikYerbouti · 16/02/2008 08:56

I agree yurt. There is nothing more upsetting that knowing that people are whispering about your beautiful son or daughter. (And we only get the tip of the iceberg compared to what other parents have to cope with.)

yurt1 · 16/02/2008 09:00

My bet is that she has a deaf relative grandchild/niece/nephew etc and that she wanted to open up a conversation but was far too direct.

I also heard from someone who saw an autistic child at a restaurant. She has an autistic brother & lived abroad so was missing him so said 'when was your son diagnosed as autistic' to which the person replied very crossly 'he's not autistic he's deaf'. She realised she'd cocked up but she had been trying to be nice!

yurt1 · 16/02/2008 09:10

Have read whole thread now. Agree with hercules- except it wouldn't have been a deaf child herself as she would have known that Makaton and BSL are different (BSL is a language, signs are different and come in a different order, Makaton is used to support speech and was developed for people with learning disabilites rather than people who are deaf). My bet is someone a little more distant- but still important to her, which is probably why she got the question wrong as well.

I've found that when other parents ask me about ds1 they don't ask me directly, they let me know they're in the same situation more discreetly, whilst more distant relatives/friends ask directly.

alfiesbabe · 16/02/2008 10:11

I agree with yurt. IME people dont go out of their way to just say something totally unnecessary and offensive. (Unless it's a Sat night and they're pissed!)
For a 30 yr old woman to approach you in the supermarket like this, I would guess there is some underlying reason - a friend or relative with hearing difficulties, or maybe for a woman of that age she might have a friend who has a child with a disability.
Sheik - I also totally agree that whatever the motive, a polite response is far more dignified and effective. To respond rudely may have left this woman thinking, yes the kid was deaf, and wasnt the mother rude about it, which is reinforcing the idea that a disability is a negative thing. Whereas to politely say 'Well nice of you to ask but....' provides an opportunity to provide a snippet of education.

Kimi · 16/02/2008 10:30

Do you think that maybe she was trying to ask you if you child (who was obviously signing beautifully) was deaf because she wanted to find out more about the signing?

Maybe she just lacks social skills or did not know the best way to ask.

If I saw a child signing and wanted to find out more I would say something along the lines of "wow they are doing that so well, do you go to a local class, I've been looking for one" with a big smile, My DS1 however who has tourettes would most likely say something like "thats really good why does he do it", blunt question but really asking the same thing.

DS1 is very good in dealing with people who stare at him or ask questions, and lets face it a perfectly "normal" healthy looking 11 year old quacking like a duck does get some looks

marmadukescarlet · 16/02/2008 10:44

I have regularly been asked if DS is deaf or cannot speak by strangers in the supermarket, as DS is 3.5 and signs more than he can speak.

I can't say I've ever been offended, as mostly I smile and give them a truthful answer and they are generally
patronisingly positive about his abilities.

I have always just felt they were interested not insulting.

JeremyVile · 16/02/2008 10:52

Don't see why it's so offensive.
I would have assumed she just had one of those faces.
The question itself, to me, is not rude in the slightest.

needmorecoffee · 16/02/2008 10:56

I can't figure out why you were so offended. Unless you worry she thought your child might actually be disabled and this freaked you out.
Untril recently I hadn't realised baby-signing was all the rage and assumed it was just for disabled children (I actually went to a class with dd, expecting useful help with her and it was all non-disabled chidlren!)
Its quite natural to assume a signing child might be disabled, either deaf or learning disabled to be honest. Perhaps that was your subconscious fear?

lazarou · 16/02/2008 11:01

That's funny about people 'just looking like that'
The other day a man came up to me and said 'Are you looking for a boy?' I must have looked a bit shocked because he then added 'oh no no no, I meant there's a boy looking for his mum. YOu looked like you had lost something. Sorry, sorry'
No mate, I always look like that!

marmadukescarlet · 16/02/2008 11:02

nmc, I hadn't thought of that - I was thinking as a parent with a beautiful disabled child rather than a NT parent to whom the inference of disability may be a huge insult.

(When asked I sometimes think 'if only it was just deafness', but would never say this out loud.)

lazarou · 16/02/2008 11:03

And then i had a doctors appointment the same day and took ds2 with me. A lady in the waiting room was smiling at him and then she said 'He looks poorly, you can always tell'

Er no love, it's my appointment, but I just smiled and said 'yes'

Actually he had been sick all over the car in the morning, and he did have a cold. Anyway, I digress....

Christie · 16/02/2008 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marmadukescarlet · 16/02/2008 11:10

Christie, I love when the BSL trained member of staff signs to my DS in local B&Q, I'm sure it makes him feel special.

LilRedWG · 16/02/2008 11:11

I think the OP was more upset that this lady would find a deaf child repulsive, not that she was concerned someone thought her DS was deaf.

DH's aunt, who is deaf, was amazed to see our DD (21months) signing and asked us if she did have any deafness. She didn't realise that hearing children sign too.

DD has picked up most of her signed from Something Special and from my sister, who teachs deaf children. I really would like DD to carry on with sign as she gets older as it is another language that she seems to enjoy.

LilRedWG · 16/02/2008 11:14

Christie - don't walk on by. I do not have a child who has SN but would like to think that if I did, there are people out there willing to take the time to sign hello!

DD is thrilled when she sees my sister and is taught a new sign. The school my sister teaches in is attached/integrated with a bog-standard comprehensive and all the children in the comp are offered signing lessons - sadly, very few take up this wonderful opportunity to learn a new language.

JeremyVile · 16/02/2008 11:18

I don't believe, for one second, this poor woman found the thought of a deaf child 'repulsive'.

If she really did feel that way, why on earth would she go out of her way to show her disgust to the childs mother? Would she have been expecting her to respond "Yeah, he's deaf - repulsive isn't it?'

It is only the OPs perception that this woman looked disgusted. I wouldn't ever assume such a disgusting attitude on this basis - I'd rather just assume she was blessed with a face like a slapped arse.

LilRedWG · 16/02/2008 11:20

JV - that's what I was trying to say but am just not very eloquent today

edam · 16/02/2008 11:22

jimbob was there, I guess she's the only one who can judge the expression on the woman's face. If the woman had asked nicely, it would have been an OK question, but she didn't.

I 'taught' myself a little BSL out of a book when I was little - no idea why, just something I'd come across and was fascinated by. Then discovered that in a nearby village, lots of hearing people had learnt BSL in order to chat to one little boy who was deaf. I used to visit the village shop over there whenever I went to my Godmother's house, just to practice.

edam · 16/02/2008 11:23

practise, even.

tortoiseSHELL · 16/02/2008 11:27

I wouldn't be offended - I can't imagine why if someone found being deaf repulsive that they would go out of their way to approach a mum.

Here's a possibility - maybe she was deaf, and hence her tone might not have been exactly as a non-deaf person might use.

lottiejenkins · 16/02/2008 11:43

My ds is deaf, he's 12 years old i find people stare at him when we sign. I just let them get on with it, i would however have found that womans comments offensive, when my ds was five he had as major wobbly in the supermarket and threw himself down on the ground an old lady came rushing over and announced that he "needed a good smack on the backside" i tuend round and replied that i thought "she needed to learn to mind her own business because she didnt know anything about my son" and i left with my son while the woman was doing a passing impression of a goldfish out of water!

lottiejenkins · 16/02/2008 11:48

Just remembered about when i took my ds shopping in a large supermarket and he saw two people at the other side of the store using BSL he set off at a brisk canter with me in hot pursuit and they loved it that he wanted to sign with him, Malcolm Bruse MP is a VP of the NDCS and hes been to see Gordon Brown to find ways to promote Sign Language!
www.ndcs.org.uk/for_the_media/press_releases/ndcs_urges_prime.html
I love BSL! Its a wonderful language to use!