Page 3 | Aibu to find this a massive turn off from my boyfriend of a year?

Untrusting · 2023-04-22T21:45:19+00:00

Been with boyfriend for not far off a year. Both got kids from previous relationships and live separately. We have a great time whenever we're together and I love him however like all relationships there's been some small niggles along the way. Last week he was due to go back in work and decided the night before to throw a sick day in - not the biggest crime I've done it a couple of times in my lifetime however he's now decided to go down a 'medical route' and asked the doctors to sign him off for weeks with a fictional injury. I suppose I'm just quite shocked by it all to be honest. All my friends and family have a good work ethic and I find it really off putting that he's done this. AIBU to find this a massive turn off? Don't know if I see a future anymore with this man but I'll be so very sad to end it when there's so much I like about him but I've lost a lot of respect for him from this. He's actually rang in sick for 2 separate weeks in the year that I've known him but this is going to go on obviously a lot longer. Such a stupid risk to take as well when you're a home owner, have bills to pay and kids of your own to take care of.

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:38

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:36

Because in the OP she’s literally said he intends to fake it.

There seems to be more going on with issues earlier in the year, but the OP was straight ‘faking it’.

Show quote history

Because he doesn’t want to admit to struggling. The op isn’t seeing how he’s feeling.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:39

And people wonder why male suicide is an issue.

Male suicide is an issue because men use more fatal means not because they attempt it more. Men and women experience MH issues and men don’t need a constant pass just in case.

Men’s MH services (parlous as all MH services are) are almost exclusively staffed my women IME so if men care about men’s MH, they should go and get trained and fund them properly. Almost overnight services would double.

Original poster

Untrusting · 22/04/2023 23:40

@FloydPepper I honestly wouldn't have judged him for going off - it was me who said it to him back when he was going through a tough time to think about having time off.

I know it doesn't come across here as I've tried to write the posts succinctly and to the point but I'm genuinely a warm and understanding person. Why wouldn't he open up to me - it's not even like I rely on him financially or anything like that so the pressures off in that respect.

OP posts:

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:40

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:39

And people wonder why male suicide is an issue.

Male suicide is an issue because men use more fatal means not because they attempt it more. Men and women experience MH issues and men don’t need a constant pass just in case.

Men’s MH services (parlous as all MH services are) are almost exclusively staffed my women IME so if men care about men’s MH, they should go and get trained and fund them properly. Almost overnight services would double.

Very dismissive

Nottamug · 22/04/2023 23:41

I have absolutely no respect for anyone who takes a sicky unless they are genuinely ill . Poor work ethic genuinely pisses me off .

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:42

Untrusting · 22/04/2023 23:40

@FloydPepper I honestly wouldn't have judged him for going off - it was me who said it to him back when he was going through a tough time to think about having time off.

I know it doesn't come across here as I've tried to write the posts succinctly and to the point but I'm genuinely a warm and understanding person. Why wouldn't he open up to me - it's not even like I rely on him financially or anything like that so the pressures off in that respect.

It’s hard for men to admit to struggling. Society thinks we should be strong and carry on, often work make it very difficult, and even partners can come across like they find a man struggling to be unattractive, weak, not someone you want to be with.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:42

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:40

Very dismissive

Show quote history

It is. It’s also accurate.

I’ve worked in men’s prisons, men’s shelters, men’s services throughout my career. The staff are pretty much all female (except for the man in charge of course). Men’s MH gets raised as an argument for all sorts of things. But never to actually work on why the services are shit. Poorly funded by the men in charge and not staffed by men either.

It’s always women getting told off though.

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:50

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:42

It is. It’s also accurate.

I’ve worked in men’s prisons, men’s shelters, men’s services throughout my career. The staff are pretty much all female (except for the man in charge of course). Men’s MH gets raised as an argument for all sorts of things. But never to actually work on why the services are shit. Poorly funded by the men in charge and not staffed by men either.

It’s always women getting told off though.

Show quote history

All mh services are poorly supported, you’re spot on there.

I do think there is more pressure on men to not admit to struggling. We have to be strong, not cry, carry on, be the provider. We’re judged from all sides if we can’t do that (and I’ve seen exactly how different the responses to a man and a woman needing time off work due to stress are)

partners can also see it as weak, unattractive.

maybe it’s our own fault (toxic masculinity hurts men too) but if men as a class are responsible for how they are treated if they struggle, that shouldn’t mean individual men struggling get judged for it.

xyxygy · 22/04/2023 23:51

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:42

It is. It’s also accurate.

I’ve worked in men’s prisons, men’s shelters, men’s services throughout my career. The staff are pretty much all female (except for the man in charge of course). Men’s MH gets raised as an argument for all sorts of things. But never to actually work on why the services are shit. Poorly funded by the men in charge and not staffed by men either.

It’s always women getting told off though.

Show quote history

"the men in charge"?

There has been a Ministerial role for mental health and suicide prevention since 2017, and it's always been held by a woman. It's literally a woman in charge of it.

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:54

xyxygy · 22/04/2023 23:51

"the men in charge"?

There has been a Ministerial role for mental health and suicide prevention since 2017, and it's always been held by a woman. It's literally a woman in charge of it.

Show quote history

if It’s a man in charge then it’s all our own fault

if its a woman in charge then we shouldn’t expect women to solve mens problems

Hairpinleg · 22/04/2023 23:54

I wonder if taking fake sick days has been going on longer than you think with him and perhaps that's why he doesn't get on with his manager.

It could be depression either and he's embarrassed to say that to you.

Twiglets1 · 23/04/2023 00:10

I think that even when people fake sickness to get time off work, there is a hidden problem that means they can’t face work at the moment. Maybe they are lazy but more likely they are depressed or anxious about the job and it is actually affecting their mental health, though they may call it something different.
I think OP is being rather quick to judge someone she claims to love, (& inviting random other people to do so too) rather than try to try to get to the root of the issue. The bf has suffered genuine stress earlier in the year; just possibly it is only now affecting his mental health.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2023 00:10

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:54

if It’s a man in charge then it’s all our own fault

if its a woman in charge then we shouldn’t expect women to solve mens problems

Show quote history

So get trained. Be part of the solution. If you’re passionate about it.

Do what I did and be paid pretty poorly for three decades to try to help.

I suspect you’re one of those men who only care when it’s helpful to make an argument that women can’t ask for their own needs to be met. We’re doing our bit, men need to pick up some slack.

OldFan · 23/04/2023 00:12

I'm genuinely a warm and understanding person. Why wouldn't he open up to me

Because people don't want to look weak in front of their partner, @Untrusting , especially a relatively new one that he might hope to end up with for the rest of his life.

But in the process he's probably made himself look worse to you than if he admitted something else, if there is anything wrong.

Not that it's your 'job,' but maybe nudge him?

You could ask him if there's anything else going on, and if he denies it then say 'look, this isn't really the best way to go, and it's a real turn off' or whatever.

FloydPepper · 23/04/2023 00:19

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2023 00:10

So get trained. Be part of the solution. If you’re passionate about it.

Do what I did and be paid pretty poorly for three decades to try to help.

I suspect you’re one of those men who only care when it’s helpful to make an argument that women can’t ask for their own needs to be met. We’re doing our bit, men need to pick up some slack.

Show quote history

There’s nothing in this thread about women’s needs, it’s about a man and whether he’s struggling or shirking.

also, You know nothing about me.

Snoozingagain · 23/04/2023 00:25

Wow give the guy a break, leave him as he has gone off sick? Authoritarian or what. We all need time out sometimes. People take life way too seriously!

Moveoverdarlin · 23/04/2023 00:29

It shows he’s dishonest and that telling lies comes quite easy to him.

FredWinnie · 23/04/2023 00:29

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:54

if It’s a man in charge then it’s all our own fault

if its a woman in charge then we shouldn’t expect women to solve mens problems

Show quote history

Maybe @FloydPepper you should start your own thread about this.

FloydPepper · 23/04/2023 00:31

FredWinnie · 23/04/2023 00:29

Maybe @FloydPepper you should start your own thread about this.

Show quote history

Maybe, but I do think the discussion on how men who are struggling feel able, or not, to open up is totally relevant to the op.

SchmeltzHerring · 23/04/2023 00:41

Male suicide is an issue because men use more fatal means not because they attempt it more.

In other words, men use more 'fatal means' of attempting suicide, because they have a more genuine intention of killing themselves than women do.

Arapawa · 23/04/2023 00:48

YANBU. I couldn't respect anyone who had no morals.

MumsDebt · 23/04/2023 00:53

I'd definitely be dumping him!

I want a partner who works hard (as I do)! Not a skiver!

ReadersD1gest · 23/04/2023 00:58

Yes, total loser.

donquixotedelamancha · 23/04/2023 01:01

Untrusting · 22/04/2023 23:17

Ok well I feel quite reassured that many people think the way I do.

I'm not sure if it's a mix of things - he actually had a stressful time at the very beginning of the year. Some events all overlapped that I think had he talked to docs about they would have signed him off with stress (there was 2 bereavements and then another couple of very stressful situations on top of that). I'd have understood that. I did say to him at the time to maybe take some time off if it was all getting too much but he said that it goes on your record anything to do with stress and doesn't look good although how this particular long stretch will look any better I don't know.

I know he also doesn't get on with his manager and he gets on with most people, although I wouldn't be surprised if his manager is just plain sick of his absence (think his team will be as well!)
He's been looking for other jobs in the last few weeks so maybe reached a point where he'd had enough.

If he just said it was stress or a delayed reaction to everything that happened a few months ago I'd understand but if he hasn't told me that (and he is not very emotionally forthcoming) then how am I meant to know.
I just don't like the lying, deceit and I suppose the lack of integrity. Basically everything a lot everyone has mentioned up thread.

It sounds to me like he's depressed and avoiding dealing with the real issue.

I'd be inclined to discuss it further rather than the standard LTB.

JMSA · 23/04/2023 01:05

I come from a family of hard grafters. My dad must have missed about 2 days in his 40 years as a prison officer! So no, I wouldn't like or respect this.