Page 2 | Aibu to find this a massive turn off from my boyfriend of a year?

Untrusting · 2023-04-22T21:45:19+00:00

Been with boyfriend for not far off a year. Both got kids from previous relationships and live separately. We have a great time whenever we're together and I love him however like all relationships there's been some small niggles along the way. Last week he was due to go back in work and decided the night before to throw a sick day in - not the biggest crime I've done it a couple of times in my lifetime however he's now decided to go down a 'medical route' and asked the doctors to sign him off for weeks with a fictional injury. I suppose I'm just quite shocked by it all to be honest. All my friends and family have a good work ethic and I find it really off putting that he's done this. AIBU to find this a massive turn off? Don't know if I see a future anymore with this man but I'll be so very sad to end it when there's so much I like about him but I've lost a lot of respect for him from this. He's actually rang in sick for 2 separate weeks in the year that I've known him but this is going to go on obviously a lot longer. Such a stupid risk to take as well when you're a home owner, have bills to pay and kids of your own to take care of.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:02

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 22:59

All of the posts immediately slating him for being lazy and workshy are part of the reason people who are genuinely struggling don’t like to take time off.

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Not a single indication in the OP that he’s struggling. Not one. Everyone knows people in both camps. Malingerers and people with MH issues. Why do you think he’s the second?

BlackBarbies · 22/04/2023 23:03

People get signed off for loads of reasons, usually when they hate their job and it’s really starting to impact their mental health. I think it depends why he’s doing it as opposed to the fact that he’s made the decision too.

If he simply doesn’t want to work for a few weeks then that’s ridiculous but if he genuinely hates going into the work place and just needs some time off to get his head in the right place. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that

PaigeMatthews · 22/04/2023 23:03

Supersimkin2 · 22/04/2023 22:59

How sure is he the GP will cooperate? They can and do send malingerers packing.

How often though? Ive a relative with one of these absolute bone idle waste of spaces. He always gets a sick note. Nobody believes him. His illness this time is ridiculous. Been off for four months.

he is lazy at work, lazy as a partner and lazy as a parent.

op, whats the rest of his behaviour like

tiggergoesbounce · 22/04/2023 23:05

How is the doctor signing him off for a fictional injury, what is the injury?

I would probably need to know more about the reasons behind it before jumping in and judging him, and why he felt he doesnt want/cant go to work.

Its not stress by any chance hes been signed off with is it?

MatildaTheCat · 22/04/2023 23:06

It is a possibility that he is more willing to make up a fictional injury than admit to, and get treatment for a mental illness. In this situation I’d have a bit of slack to cut him.

If however he just fancies some extra time for his hobby or sleeping then he’s a loser and he won’t ever pull his weight.

Maybe say you’re sorry he’s injured and to let you know when he’s fit and well again? You won’t be able to go on dates or have sex while he’s injured will you?

Devoutspoken · 22/04/2023 23:07

Again, sorry to be naive, so it literally involves doing some big acting job in the doctors?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:08

If he simply doesn’t want to work for a few weeks then that’s ridiculous but if he genuinely hates going into the work place and just needs some time off to get his head in the right place. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that

I’ve had jobs I hated. I looked for a new one. I didn’t make things worse for the people at the job I hated.

TBF I’ve mostly worked for non-profits and in caring roles so only arseholes malinger in those jobs.

TurquoiseDress · 22/04/2023 23:10

YANBU

That would really put me off then and see them in a completely different light

However is there anything deeper going on, reasons why he wants avoid work? (Apart from the obvious skiving)

xyxygy · 22/04/2023 23:12

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:02

Not a single indication in the OP that he’s struggling. Not one. Everyone knows people in both camps. Malingerers and people with MH issues. Why do you think he’s the second?

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I can think of three possible reasons for there being no indication in the OP.

1 - He's faking it
2 - OP is jumping to conclusions and just doesn't know him well enough to see he's struggling
3 - OP thinks, like most of the posters here, that work is some sacred activity that takes precedence over all else

I'm not going to make a judgement on that, but if you're in the AIBU section, surely you're aware that every single thread starter is biased by the OP's own feelings and will be missing just about any detail that might actually indicate that the subject of the post might not be the asshole?

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:16

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:02

Not a single indication in the OP that he’s struggling. Not one. Everyone knows people in both camps. Malingerers and people with MH issues. Why do you think he’s the second?

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I don’t for sure, but it’s not inconceivable that he’s struggling and not told the op (ashamed, worried she’ll react like most on here?)

everyone is so keen to jump on him being a lazy so and so. He may be, he may not.

Original poster

Untrusting · 22/04/2023 23:17

Ok well I feel quite reassured that many people think the way I do.

I'm not sure if it's a mix of things - he actually had a stressful time at the very beginning of the year. Some events all overlapped that I think had he talked to docs about they would have signed him off with stress (there was 2 bereavements and then another couple of very stressful situations on top of that). I'd have understood that. I did say to him at the time to maybe take some time off if it was all getting too much but he said that it goes on your record anything to do with stress and doesn't look good although how this particular long stretch will look any better I don't know.

I know he also doesn't get on with his manager and he gets on with most people, although I wouldn't be surprised if his manager is just plain sick of his absence (think his team will be as well!)
He's been looking for other jobs in the last few weeks so maybe reached a point where he'd had enough.

If he just said it was stress or a delayed reaction to everything that happened a few months ago I'd understand but if he hasn't told me that (and he is not very emotionally forthcoming) then how am I meant to know.
I just don't like the lying, deceit and I suppose the lack of integrity. Basically everything a lot everyone has mentioned up thread.

OP posts:

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:18

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:08

If he simply doesn’t want to work for a few weeks then that’s ridiculous but if he genuinely hates going into the work place and just needs some time off to get his head in the right place. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that

I’ve had jobs I hated. I looked for a new one. I didn’t make things worse for the people at the job I hated.

TBF I’ve mostly worked for non-profits and in caring roles so only arseholes malinger in those jobs.

I’m pleased you’ve never been in the position where it’s all too much and you genuinely can’t carry on. That doesn’t mean no-one has though

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:20

Untrusting · 22/04/2023 23:17

Ok well I feel quite reassured that many people think the way I do.

I'm not sure if it's a mix of things - he actually had a stressful time at the very beginning of the year. Some events all overlapped that I think had he talked to docs about they would have signed him off with stress (there was 2 bereavements and then another couple of very stressful situations on top of that). I'd have understood that. I did say to him at the time to maybe take some time off if it was all getting too much but he said that it goes on your record anything to do with stress and doesn't look good although how this particular long stretch will look any better I don't know.

I know he also doesn't get on with his manager and he gets on with most people, although I wouldn't be surprised if his manager is just plain sick of his absence (think his team will be as well!)
He's been looking for other jobs in the last few weeks so maybe reached a point where he'd had enough.

If he just said it was stress or a delayed reaction to everything that happened a few months ago I'd understand but if he hasn't told me that (and he is not very emotionally forthcoming) then how am I meant to know.
I just don't like the lying, deceit and I suppose the lack of integrity. Basically everything a lot everyone has mentioned up thread.

So he had been struggling but didn’t want time off as “it wouldn’t go down well”. Yes still struggling and it does look very much like he feels he can’t tell you as he’s worried you’d not believe him or think less of him.

and he’s right

HeidiIou · 22/04/2023 23:21

Maybe he just doesn't want to be honest with you why he's off in case he feels judged

Bornslippery · 22/04/2023 23:23

Depression??

Lolasgame · 22/04/2023 23:25

Maybe he senses how judgemental you are. He’d be right.

Rosula · 22/04/2023 23:25

How is he going to get doctors to sign him off for something he hasn't got?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:26

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:18

I’m pleased you’ve never been in the position where it’s all too much and you genuinely can’t carry on. That doesn’t mean no-one has though

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There’s a difference between MH issues, PTSD and similar which are absolutely reasons to take time off. And ‘hating your job’ which isn’t.

And implying I’ve had it easy…. I’ve had to be escorted into work because of stalking and threats and been involved in murder trials from work related incidents. I know people who have definitely needed time off with similar and I’m a huge supporter of that. In my workplaces, It’s commonplace.

There are also workshy arseholes. I have no time for them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/04/2023 23:27

What is he going to be during that time?

Have you asked him what the hell uds going on?

Does he have MH issues or is he just a skiver?

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:29

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:26

There’s a difference between MH issues, PTSD and similar which are absolutely reasons to take time off. And ‘hating your job’ which isn’t.

And implying I’ve had it easy…. I’ve had to be escorted into work because of stalking and threats and been involved in murder trials from work related incidents. I know people who have definitely needed time off with similar and I’m a huge supporter of that. In my workplaces, It’s commonplace.

There are also workshy arseholes. I have no time for them.

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I didn’t imply you had it easy, I implied (well, stated) you were never in a position where you could not carry on.

im surprised you accept you know people who needed time off but the op’s partner is definitely faking it…

TomatoSandwiches · 22/04/2023 23:29

I can't fuck someone I don't respect and admire, this behaviour isn't admirable.

tiggergoesbounce · 22/04/2023 23:31

So what is the fictional injury OP?

He sounds and you acknowledge he has had a really hard start to the year, grief can take a while to catch up with you and when it does it can be awful.
So if he is struggling from the start of the year, the need for time off may be legitimate, whats the injury he is claiming?

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:34

I genuinely think this is a case of a bloke who is struggling but is too scared to admit it. He’d be judged by work, wouldn’t he listened to, his partner would judge him, so he’s not admitting how he really feels.

plenty on here, and in real life, would jump to assuming he’s faking. And people wonder why male suicide is an issue.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:36

FloydPepper · 22/04/2023 23:29

I didn’t imply you had it easy, I implied (well, stated) you were never in a position where you could not carry on.

im surprised you accept you know people who needed time off but the op’s partner is definitely faking it…

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Because in the OP she’s literally said he intends to fake it.

There seems to be more going on with issues earlier in the year, but the OP was straight ‘faking it’.

xyxygy · 22/04/2023 23:36

Untrusting · 22/04/2023 23:17

Ok well I feel quite reassured that many people think the way I do.

I'm not sure if it's a mix of things - he actually had a stressful time at the very beginning of the year. Some events all overlapped that I think had he talked to docs about they would have signed him off with stress (there was 2 bereavements and then another couple of very stressful situations on top of that). I'd have understood that. I did say to him at the time to maybe take some time off if it was all getting too much but he said that it goes on your record anything to do with stress and doesn't look good although how this particular long stretch will look any better I don't know.

I know he also doesn't get on with his manager and he gets on with most people, although I wouldn't be surprised if his manager is just plain sick of his absence (think his team will be as well!)
He's been looking for other jobs in the last few weeks so maybe reached a point where he'd had enough.

If he just said it was stress or a delayed reaction to everything that happened a few months ago I'd understand but if he hasn't told me that (and he is not very emotionally forthcoming) then how am I meant to know.
I just don't like the lying, deceit and I suppose the lack of integrity. Basically everything a lot everyone has mentioned up thread.

Honestly, that sounds like a classic example of an untenable work position, where the manager is making his life hell but it's also a workplace that's likely to find excuses to fire him if he starts taking time off for stress or poor mental health. Yes, it's totally against the law, but it happens all the time anyway.

In that situation, there's nowhere to turn, except to play for time and protect his own mental health in the only way he can until he's got another job.

Just as a thought experiment...imagine a woman had written a post in AIBU, from that perspective, desperate and not knowing where to turn, and - because she knows her boyfriend of a year takes a hard line about work and doesn't know how to explain that her emotions are all over the place, while feeling she needed to hold it together for the kids - doesn't feel she can tell him, and is worried that she's going to get dumped because she's close to a breakdown and doesn't know what to do.

How many of the replies would be "It's your own fault for being a lazy, work-shy good for nothing and he's right to get rid of you"? How many would be "Dump the unsupportive asshole, he doesn't deserve you, and find somebody who will"?