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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To deal with sister or ignore.

95 replies

Offensiveapprently · 22/04/2023 20:01

Sister has always been bigger built than me and at times overweight, she has struggled with her weight and has at times been classed as morbidly obese. I'm smaller build and sort of average. I have NEVER commented on her body, always stuck up for her when people commented on her and recently paid £7000.00 towards her gastric surgery and subsequent additional skin removal, thinking that it was making me sad that she was so miserable and she said shed pay me back (which she has started soing).She told nobody what she was doing and I have not breathed a word either but she has now revealed her weight loss saying that she is now a size 8 from always being 20 plus. People have commented asking how she did it she tells them diet and exercise which I know is not true. There re several friends who have commented that she is making then feel inadequate as they are bigger and she manged to lose the weight through sheer willpower (she didn't)
It's all going to her head and she doesn't seem to give a shit about anything or anyone anymore.
The last straw has been a facebook status to the effect of " everyone always thought offensive apparently was he thinner of the two of us sisters but that is not the case any more. She has got fatter as I've got thinner 😆 "
Not sure what to say. I feel like outing her but I won't because I'm not that shitty but its so tempting. I need some whitty retort to reply with or do I jut leave it. She is just trying to make me.feel as shit as she has done isn't she?

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 23/04/2023 19:25

She could pay you back faster now that she is saving all that money on food?

Cas112 · 23/04/2023 19:37

Offensiveapprently · 22/04/2023 20:01

Sister has always been bigger built than me and at times overweight, she has struggled with her weight and has at times been classed as morbidly obese. I'm smaller build and sort of average. I have NEVER commented on her body, always stuck up for her when people commented on her and recently paid £7000.00 towards her gastric surgery and subsequent additional skin removal, thinking that it was making me sad that she was so miserable and she said shed pay me back (which she has started soing).She told nobody what she was doing and I have not breathed a word either but she has now revealed her weight loss saying that she is now a size 8 from always being 20 plus. People have commented asking how she did it she tells them diet and exercise which I know is not true. There re several friends who have commented that she is making then feel inadequate as they are bigger and she manged to lose the weight through sheer willpower (she didn't)
It's all going to her head and she doesn't seem to give a shit about anything or anyone anymore.
The last straw has been a facebook status to the effect of " everyone always thought offensive apparently was he thinner of the two of us sisters but that is not the case any more. She has got fatter as I've got thinner 😆 "
Not sure what to say. I feel like outing her but I won't because I'm not that shitty but its so tempting. I need some whitty retort to reply with or do I jut leave it. She is just trying to make me.feel as shit as she has done isn't she?

I would literally reply saying 'amazing what a gastric sleeve can do, well done sis'

Therealog · 23/04/2023 19:58

She’s had a lifetime of being the ugly, fat sister. All the comments, looks and out downs. Let her enjoy it for a little while.

It’s not about insulting you it’s about feeling empowered. Reclaiming her dignity etc.

I am sure you have supported her but I am sure other relative’s opinions of her weight and appearance will have been made known to her for years.The novelty will wear off. Let her have this.

Emigratingimmigrant · 23/04/2023 20:06

Reclaiming her dignity etc.
Lol

so many shitty behaviour "be kind" apologists. 😔

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/04/2023 20:27

She’s had a lifetime of being the ugly, fat sister. All the comments, looks and out downs. Let her enjoy it for a little while.

It’s not about insulting you it’s about feeling empowered. Reclaiming her dignity etc.

I don't see anywhere at all that OP has said that she has been the one constantly calling her Sister fat or ugly.

Dignity is not a finite resource - it's fully possible to gain plenty of it for yourself without having to take it away from somebody else.

LizHoney · 23/04/2023 22:13

CaroleSinger · 22/04/2023 20:39

Reply to her status with 'Yeah, I'd have some gastric surgery if only I could afford it sis xx'

Love this!

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/04/2023 22:16

It’s not about insulting you it’s about feeling empowered. Reclaiming her dignity etc.

She insulted OP therefore it is about insulting her. Bizarre response.

pimplebum · 23/04/2023 22:27

Also... you had a spare 7k. "lying around" so not only are you the " skinnier" sister you are also considerably more financially "successful " so you are dealing with a lifetime of repressed issues , you clearly have a basically good relationship which she is flexing to the max right now
Take the high road and play the long game she is your sister not a mate so bite your tongue and wait for a good moment to have a chat

Weallgottachangesometime · 23/04/2023 22:34

Therealog · 23/04/2023 19:58

She’s had a lifetime of being the ugly, fat sister. All the comments, looks and out downs. Let her enjoy it for a little while.

It’s not about insulting you it’s about feeling empowered. Reclaiming her dignity etc.

I am sure you have supported her but I am sure other relative’s opinions of her weight and appearance will have been made known to her for years.The novelty will wear off. Let her have this.

no I don’t buy this. People who truly feel empowered support others not put others down. I think she feels just as shot as ever hence why she’s shitting on someone else to make herself feel better.

Amybelle88 · 23/04/2023 22:44

Robyn847 · 22/04/2023 22:07

How about replying "Are you joking? I lost 7,000 pound recently". Might focus her mind a little.

This!

Original poster
Offensiveapprently · 24/04/2023 13:48

I'm certainly not buying the fact that she has always felt inadequate in some way so I should in some way accept her nastiness. I've been her biggest champion over the years and have never spoken about her weight, shutting other people down who do.
I did send her a DM saying to keep me off her facebook statuses. I didn't threaten that I'd tell anyone and I certainly won't but she needs to stop misleading her friends.
I don't understand why she is ashamed about surgery she is doing something to improve her health.
She is ignoring me at the moment and won't take her status down. So much for helping, I'm keeping communication open I want my money back!

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 24/04/2023 13:54

Iwould love to suggest ignore her but I just couldn’t so I would reply with something like ‘yes indeed, I am fatter….and now also a lot poorer’ with a wink.

GooglyEyeballs · 24/04/2023 14:20

It's probably best not to let her get a rise out of you but if it were me I'd probably want to publicly comment on the post where she called you out saying something like 'im really disappointed and hurt to read this post considering the financial support I've given you for gastric surgery. I'm really happy for you that you're living a healthier life but really shocked by your comments'

LimeCheesecake · 24/04/2023 17:37

She may well have felt like the ugly sister, but given the OP never was the one to put her down, there is no excuse to put the OP down now she’s the thinner one.

OP when do you expect to be paid back? Is it soon?

one of the issues with gastric surgery, is that often people who resort to it have been unable to stick with weight loss via self control/will power because they use food as comfort or are addicted to high calorie /highly processed foods. The surgery has stopped her being able to over eat, it hasn’t removed the “need” - her source of comfort has been removed. Her behaviour might get worse before it gets better, particularly if she’s now hit her dream weight but isn’t able to live like everyone else.

Therealog · 24/04/2023 17:44

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/04/2023 20:27

She’s had a lifetime of being the ugly, fat sister. All the comments, looks and out downs. Let her enjoy it for a little while.

It’s not about insulting you it’s about feeling empowered. Reclaiming her dignity etc.

I don't see anywhere at all that OP has said that she has been the one constantly calling her Sister fat or ugly.

Dignity is not a finite resource - it's fully possible to gain plenty of it for yourself without having to take it away from somebody else.

As I mentioned in the paragraph after, although the sister might have supported her, no doubt she has been either fat shamed, negatively compared, criticised or out down for years. She’s made ONE comment and people are saying “don’t stand for it”.

A lifetime of criticism vs one comment hmmm. The sister might not have said anything but did she ever stand uo for her or tacitly allow it to continue?

If I. were the op I would let it slide.

That’s my opinion and I am sticking to it

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 24/04/2023 19:16

That’s my opinion and I am sticking to it

Fair enough, you have every right to it.

Personally, I prefer challenging/punishing people for things that they have done rather than things that others who are unconnected to them have done.

Amybelle88 · 24/04/2023 19:22

@Therealog and as she knows how unbelievably shit it feels to be fat shamed and have your self esteem dragged down, she shouldn't want to inflict that on her sister, who's just paid out £7k to help her.

LimeCheesecake · 24/04/2023 19:24

Yes sorry but @Therealog it does read like you think because other people were rude to the sister, that makes it ok for her to be rude to the OP.

Original poster
Offensiveapprently · 24/04/2023 21:11

@Therealog if you read my posts it clearly says that I didn't allow it to continue and shut people down. It does feel a bit like you are blaming me in some way. So you think it is okay to be publicly shamed on the Internet as that is what she has done to me.
As I also said I haven't outed her despite her treatment of me. I lend her £7000 of my son's savings as she had been saving up and was feeling so miserable that I offered to help so she could get it done sooner. Yet still it sounds like you feel its okay for her to be treating me this way.

OP posts:
Therealog · 25/04/2023 08:24

I have been the thin sister and I let it slide. Interesting to get other people’s perspectives though.

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