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AIBU?

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Original poster

To deal with sister or ignore.

95 replies

Offensiveapprently · 22/04/2023 20:01

Sister has always been bigger built than me and at times overweight, she has struggled with her weight and has at times been classed as morbidly obese. I'm smaller build and sort of average. I have NEVER commented on her body, always stuck up for her when people commented on her and recently paid £7000.00 towards her gastric surgery and subsequent additional skin removal, thinking that it was making me sad that she was so miserable and she said shed pay me back (which she has started soing).She told nobody what she was doing and I have not breathed a word either but she has now revealed her weight loss saying that she is now a size 8 from always being 20 plus. People have commented asking how she did it she tells them diet and exercise which I know is not true. There re several friends who have commented that she is making then feel inadequate as they are bigger and she manged to lose the weight through sheer willpower (she didn't)
It's all going to her head and she doesn't seem to give a shit about anything or anyone anymore.
The last straw has been a facebook status to the effect of " everyone always thought offensive apparently was he thinner of the two of us sisters but that is not the case any more. She has got fatter as I've got thinner 😆 "
Not sure what to say. I feel like outing her but I won't because I'm not that shitty but its so tempting. I need some whitty retort to reply with or do I jut leave it. She is just trying to make me.feel as shit as she has done isn't she?

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 23/04/2023 07:32

You could just be the bigger person (ignore the accidental pun!) And say something like I'm glad you're happier in your skin now, please don't comment on my size.

Or if you want to stir the pot, I'm glad I could help you lose the weight, please don't comment on my size.

MuggleMe · 23/04/2023 07:34

Or message her separately and ask her to take the comment down as it's hurtful, and say it's hurtful and makes you want to tell everyone about the surgery but you won't, if she deletes it.

Emigratingimmigrant · 23/04/2023 07:44

Agree with others. Don't do it publicly.
How has she not pay you back yet? The surgery was a while ago. I don't think she plans to pay it back. I really don't think so...

I strongly disagree with "she is just dealing with whatever because she must have felt bad for years, leave it be". Does not matter. She is being an absolute twat and giving people issues.
I would whisper out about surgery via some confidential route. And I would not be in contact with her after any more than necessary

Berklilly · 23/04/2023 08:03

pimplebum · 22/04/2023 20:09

I would say and do nothing definitely not a witty retort as her public comment is really rude . She obviously has been v unhappy for a long time and is carrying a lot of resentment and jealousy, you had the cash to lend and are getting it back
Maybe have quiet word with her about the hurtful post and how I'm helpful and unfair it is to lie about her surgery , while it's her prerogative to keep her surgery private it is mean to lie about it you could offer her more money for counselling sessions to deal with past pain ?? That is the only clap back I'd do

This. I wouldn't say anything public but definitely have a private word about how hurtful and unfair that comment was.
Her struggles doesn't justify being so mean...

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/04/2023 08:18

It's fairly common for ex-fattys (current fatty here), ex-smokers, ex-drinkers whatever - who manage to get themselves out of their habit in whatever way - to then boost their own achievement and sense of pride by criticising others whom they perceive to not be as 'worthy' as they are.

Not that it makes it right at all, but I think it comes with the territory for some people that they can't just jettison their old burden into history; they still feel that they have to transfer it to somebody else.

It's invariably a result of very low self-esteem, but it's still a deeply unpleasant trait. The best way of improving your lot in life is by independently elevating yourself, not by pushing down others to maintain the differential.

OrigamiOwls · 23/04/2023 08:39

Using your son's savings ours a different complexion on things - don't count on seeing that money again...

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/04/2023 09:04

As PP, I would worry about her possibly deliberately doing this as, in her mind, if you 'betray' her by giving her game away, that somehow causes you to forfeit the money that you loaned to her.

There's also the factor that, if she's repainting history and spinning a brand new reality that suggests she did it all herself, through hard work and willpower - maybe she is even starting to believe this herself - then what would you have needed to lend her money for? And thus, why would she owe it to you in the first place?

I obviously don't know her character, but she could even be intending to use your kindness against you in a gaslighting kind of way - if you yourself have repeatedly gone along with her story that she did it all on her own, you could find yourself effectively signing away your money.

HelpMeGetThrough · 23/04/2023 09:21

" everyone always thought offensive apparently was he thinner of the two of us sisters but that is not the case any more. She has got fatter as I've got thinner 😆 "

Just reply "amazing what my 7 grand did for you. Will expect it repaid in full by the end of next week."

LaMaG · 23/04/2023 09:36

She is making such a fool of herself, people aren't stupid and they will guess she had the surgery.

As others say, take the high road and msg her privately nicely asking she doesn't comment on your weight. I'm guessing you never made jokey posts about her weight in this way in the past so she should remember that.

On some level she is still jealous and insecure. Don't know what age you guys are but she has probably spent much of her youth being overweight and lost opportunities that you had (at least that's how she perceives it). I am a bit overweight and always have been but I sometimes feel so angry with my younger self for not sorting it out sooner, it could have changed my life.

fruitbrewhaha · 23/04/2023 09:40

Goodness, I’m sure all of her friends will thinks she’s is being a complete cow. Someone may pull her up on it without you having to say anything. I‘d leave it. It screams to me of someone how feels shit about themselves.

Mortimercat · 23/04/2023 09:42

Your sister is extremely rude and you should say something to her. But privately, I think it would be pretty unforgivable to comment on her medical history in public. Also you maybe think a gastric operation is an easy option, but it really isn’t.

Fuerza · 23/04/2023 09:44

Privately try and set up a standing order.

I also wonder if she's trying to engineer a row that would give her an excuse to say 'fuck you and the 7k'

That's a lot of money.

ProtestantsHateAbba · 23/04/2023 09:46

I’d be dying to publicly out her as a fucking liar, even before that Facebook update. Such a nasty way to behave and shows what a shallow, boring arsehole she is, and always has been even if it wasn’t obvious before.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 23/04/2023 09:49

I'd be asking her for the money back immediately. Absolute cheeky fucker. I'd be fuming.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/04/2023 09:53

Also you maybe think a gastric operation is an easy option, but it really isn’t.

I don't think people are saying that it's an easy option - just that it's a case of spending money over using willpower; which is perfectly fine, as long as you own it.

And bearing in mind that it's had her Sister's money thrown at it, that's even less 'justification; for basically saying how much 'better' she is than her Sister. As any half-decent sportsperson will tell you, you celebrate your own win - you don't go around parading insults at the runners-up for not winning; and you most definitely don't go abusing the 'poor performance' of people who never entered the competition in the first place!

Suppose you had a beautiful extension built on to your house - you could quite legitimately want to show it off, proudly tell everybody that you planned and ordered exactly what you wanted and paid for it all through disciplined saving over many years; but don't you think it would then be a bit odd if you started insisting that you had physically built it yourself.... and boasting as such to the builder who did it?!

Nn9011 · 23/04/2023 09:56

I'm sorry her attitude isn't very nice at the moment but please don't out her. It's very hard to live in a bigger body and even though people constantly comment about losing weight, the minute you say you've had surgery they will double down on the judgement. The other friends complaining is very common when people lose weight, unfortunately even when you aren't saying anyone to hurt anyone's feelings most larger people who've lost weight will tell you their friends have felt that way but it's usually because of internal insecurities.
She was completely a bitch for what she said about you and you should address that directly with her however.

Emigratingimmigrant · 23/04/2023 10:01

The other friends complaining is very common when people lose weight, unfortunately even when you aren't saying anyone to hurt anyone's feelings most larger people who've lost weight will tell you their friends have felt that way but it's usually because of internal insecurities.

They have all right to complain:
People have commented asking how she did it she tells them diet and exercise which I know is not true. There re several friends who have commented that she is making then feel inadequate as they are bigger and she manged to lose the weight through sheer willpower (she didn't)

It's really shitty to prance around claiming you had no help and it was all just you. There is no other goal than make people feel shit and big yourself up when people do that. And no "it was hard for her to be bigger" is not an excuse for making people feel shit by lying.

timesogin · 23/04/2023 14:03

I would ignore it publicly. Maybe talk with her gently privately.
I suspect that although she seems to feel much better that maybe she is embarrassed to have had to take the steps she did and is hiding it because of shame. This may be making her lash out?
It sounds as though you've been supportive and compassionate and I suspect she still needs this, although may not behave that way...

billy1966 · 23/04/2023 14:17

You used your sons savings?

For someone so comfortable to be so nasty to you?

Get the money back asap and never touch those savings again.

Awful behaviour.

LateMumma · 23/04/2023 16:36

I think perhaps I'd privately message her, without blaming, and say something like 'I'm so pleased you're feeling confident and happy. I'm hurt by the comment you made about me, and I wonder if you could leave me out of this please? Your achievement is great, but you don't need to compare yourself to me'

60smusic · 23/04/2023 16:46

I would like to write, but probably wouldn't.

"Oh no, I'm getting fat, I must get the name of who did your gastric band".

Or just send a box of cream cakes.

Babsexxx · 23/04/2023 17:27

She does realise this surgery will literally only do so much? Doesn’t she…..there is a extraordinary number of patients that gain it all back and more wait until she gets to year 3 and really has to work on it!

Karma works in mysterious ways..

ItsCalledAConversation · 23/04/2023 17:32

CaroleSinger · 22/04/2023 20:39

Reply to her status with 'Yeah, I'd have some gastric surgery if only I could afford it sis xx'

This. What a bitch.

euff · 23/04/2023 17:49

I wouldn't put anything in writing public or private as she could make a private message public. People will make her own judgements about her post. I wouldn't say anything at all until she had paid you back. I would also never lend her money again.

LimeCheesecake · 23/04/2023 18:08

Screen shot it - then send it to her privately with a note asking why she’s posted that. Say that you won’t put anything public about her surgery or you loaning the money to pay for it, but this reads like she’s trying to goad you into revelling about the surgery and loan and don’t know why she’s behaving in such a self destructive way.

it could well be she’s convinced herself all her problems would be fixed if only should could be thinner. And has now found that her weight wasn’t the problem, and is struggling.