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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help with best friend's surprise party?

57 replies

showslope · 22/04/2023 19:10

My best friend (24F) lives in Australia, and is shortly coming to visit for two months. Her cousin (28M) is arranging a surprise party for her next week, and has messaged me to ask if I can take charge of messaging people to invite them, and help him plan the party.

This is awful timing, as I have just had a knee surgery and will need to be at home for 2 weeks at least. I have responded to the cousin's message expressing my apologies, and explaining that I won't be able to help due to my operation (bar giving a few invite suggestions).

I ended up on the topic with a friend (more of an acquaintance), who thought I should put more effort in given that I haven't seen my friend for 2 years.

I do feel guilty that I can't help much, but AIBU to feel as though this is justifiable given that my friend knew about my surgery before booking flights? I can't wait to see her later down the line, but I do not see how I can plan a party (in a different town) while being in bed.

OP posts:
BranchGold · 22/04/2023 19:11

I don’t know what the surgery you’re going to have will involve, but if as you say it’s two weeks of being bed bound, that doesn’t sound like it would prohibit you from making up a guest list and sending messages out to your friendship group?

bumbledeedum · 22/04/2023 19:12

How does a knee OP stop you messaging people?

Brendabigbaps · 22/04/2023 19:12

How does having knee surgery stop you contacting people on a iPad/laptop etc?

It’s not a massive commitment messaging a few people. If I was your best friend I’d be quite disappointed

Rainallnight · 22/04/2023 19:12

Being bed bound sounds like a perfect time to help plan a party

Original poster
showslope · 22/04/2023 19:13

Yes I have given some suggestions, but we aren't part of the same friendship group so I genuinely have no idea who I could invite

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 22/04/2023 19:13

Surely you’d have more time to do this not less. I don’t understand.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/04/2023 19:13

Knee surgery never involves a period of being bed bound. You’d have loads of time to make a guest list and send a few WhatsApp messages

HaggisBurger · 22/04/2023 19:14

showslope · 22/04/2023 19:13

Yes I have given some suggestions, but we aren't part of the same friendship group so I genuinely have no idea who I could invite

Well that’s a completely different reason.

DryIce · 22/04/2023 19:14

Surely you'd have more time if bedbound?

Is it really that you don't want to do it? If it's about not knowing who to invite , I did a friend's a few years ago who had different friends and messaged some over FB

VimFuego101 · 22/04/2023 19:16

Messaging people you know to get a guest list together - easy (with the caveat that you don't necessarily know her entire friendship group, so her cousin may want to ask others too).

I do have limited patience for people who decide they want to throw a party/ event and then ask others to help them plan, though - so the request to 'help plan' would grate a bit and if you're resting after an op, you're not unreasonable to say no to that part.

HaggisBurger · 22/04/2023 19:17

You do sound like you just don’t want to do it - no matter what. For someone you describe as your best friend.

I am unclear how you have no mutual friends or at least enough info to locate the friends you must know your best friends has?

I have two best friends. A lot of a friends are mutual. Those that aren’t I’d know how to get hold of them. Not hard in the modern world.

You sound unhelpful and to use an MN cliche “hard work”. Maybe have a bit of a think about what’s behind your disinclination to do something nice for a friend who lives very far away.

Original poster
showslope · 22/04/2023 19:17

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 I didn't want to out myself in the main post but it is a surgery that involves being bedbound

OP posts:
Original poster
showslope · 22/04/2023 19:20

@HaggisBurger I can assure you it's not that I don't want to do it -- which is why I'm feeling guilty about it, as it's something I'd normally be more than happy to do.

As I said, I have given a few names of people I know she's close to, but we have never moved in the same circles, and she has changed friends a lot, so I wouldn't want to invite someone she is no longer in contact with.

I'm not here to justify how much effort I put into the friendship. You've clearly made assumptions before hearing me out.

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 22/04/2023 19:21

I'd offer to do anything that doesn't involve movement tbh.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/04/2023 19:24

You don't sound like best friends tbh.

Ladybug14 · 22/04/2023 19:26

The knee surgery is irrelevant

You don't know any of the people who need to be contacted

Is that right?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/04/2023 19:28

Why can't you message people? I would have thought recovering from knee surgery meant you have a lot of time spare.

Original poster
showslope · 22/04/2023 19:29

Ladybug14 · 22/04/2023 19:26

The knee surgery is irrelevant

You don't know any of the people who need to be contacted

Is that right?

I mentioned the surgery as it explains why I'm not travelling to the town and actively helping to plan/attending

Yes, apart from a couple of her friends (and obviously family, that the cousin already knows), I don't have a clue. I've offered to message those friends for further ideas

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 22/04/2023 19:29

showslope · 22/04/2023 19:20

@HaggisBurger I can assure you it's not that I don't want to do it -- which is why I'm feeling guilty about it, as it's something I'd normally be more than happy to do.

As I said, I have given a few names of people I know she's close to, but we have never moved in the same circles, and she has changed friends a lot, so I wouldn't want to invite someone she is no longer in contact with.

I'm not here to justify how much effort I put into the friendship. You've clearly made assumptions before hearing me out.

Well just about everyone on the thread has made the point that bring bed bound is the perfect time to do an organisational task like that.

The knee surgery all seems by the by really that’s why your post is confusing.

But sure if you can’t do it because you have no idea who she would like to have at her party then so be it.

Just sounds like an odd best friend situation that you wouldn’t discuss her other friends etc. I do that with mine a lot.

For eg my sis lives v far away but if she came back here and I was to organise a surprise party I’d know who to invite and how to get hold of them even indirectly. Because we talk.

Oldnproud · 22/04/2023 19:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable, OP.

Her cousin has decided to throw a surprise party for her, and a party that you won't even be able to attend even. It's his idea, so he should be doing the work, not trying to offload it onto you.
What can you do that he can't anyway, apart from add some names to the guest list, which it sounds like you have already done?

Besides which, the anaesthetic for even a minor operation can leave you exhausted for weeks afterwards, and your surgery doesn't sound particularly minor. I think it's unreasonable to ask or expect any more from you while you are recovering.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 19:51

Her cousin (28M) is arranging a surprise party for her next week, and has messaged me to ask if I can take charge of messaging people to invite them, and help him plan the party.

Why can’t he message them himself? You don’t even know her other friends.

Sounds like he’s looking fir a woman to offload to.

Crinkle77 · 22/04/2023 19:52

Oldnproud · 22/04/2023 19:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable, OP.

Her cousin has decided to throw a surprise party for her, and a party that you won't even be able to attend even. It's his idea, so he should be doing the work, not trying to offload it onto you.
What can you do that he can't anyway, apart from add some names to the guest list, which it sounds like you have already done?

Besides which, the anaesthetic for even a minor operation can leave you exhausted for weeks afterwards, and your surgery doesn't sound particularly minor. I think it's unreasonable to ask or expect any more from you while you are recovering.

I agree with this actually. You just want to focus on your recovery and not have the hassle of organising a party.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 22/04/2023 19:54

You don't need to use the surgery as an excuse not to do it. Just say you don't want to because you clearly don't.

The other person is probably just after some help but if it was her idea I'm sure she'll find a way to make it work.

midsomermurderess · 22/04/2023 20:02

She’s the one who moved away. If she wants to catch up with people when she’s back, she should be putting in the effort. And it’s been all of 2 years.

FilthyforFirth · 22/04/2023 20:22

Yeah sorry I would question how much you're best friends. I went to uni with mine, but I have met and know her childhood friends, work friends, family etc. I thought that was pretty normal tbh.

Sounds like you arent that close, in which case yanbu.