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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help with best friend's surprise party?

57 replies

showslope · 22/04/2023 19:10

My best friend (24F) lives in Australia, and is shortly coming to visit for two months. Her cousin (28M) is arranging a surprise party for her next week, and has messaged me to ask if I can take charge of messaging people to invite them, and help him plan the party.

This is awful timing, as I have just had a knee surgery and will need to be at home for 2 weeks at least. I have responded to the cousin's message expressing my apologies, and explaining that I won't be able to help due to my operation (bar giving a few invite suggestions).

I ended up on the topic with a friend (more of an acquaintance), who thought I should put more effort in given that I haven't seen my friend for 2 years.

I do feel guilty that I can't help much, but AIBU to feel as though this is justifiable given that my friend knew about my surgery before booking flights? I can't wait to see her later down the line, but I do not see how I can plan a party (in a different town) while being in bed.

OP posts:
mainsfed · 22/04/2023 20:23

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 22/04/2023 19:54

You don't need to use the surgery as an excuse not to do it. Just say you don't want to because you clearly don't.

The other person is probably just after some help but if it was her idea I'm sure she'll find a way to make it work.

Surgery is a perfectly good reason not to want to plan a party.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 20:24

FilthyforFirth · 22/04/2023 20:22

Yeah sorry I would question how much you're best friends. I went to uni with mine, but I have met and know her childhood friends, work friends, family etc. I thought that was pretty normal tbh.

Sounds like you arent that close, in which case yanbu.

Is her cousin incapable of sending messages?

dwightschrutebeets · 22/04/2023 20:30

If you're off at home with notbing to do I don't see why you can't help? I agree with your friend

ThePoshUns · 22/04/2023 20:32

How can you be best friends and not know who her other friends are?

NoSquirrels · 22/04/2023 20:36

It’s fine. You’ve got stuff going on and you can’t help.

Alternatively, you might have time on your hands and be able to do some remote organising tasks if he needs help, if it’s really admin-based not ‘being in charge’. Offer to let him know if you’re up to doing anything closer to the time.

sonjadog · 22/04/2023 20:40

I felt rough for some days after knee surgery and just wanted to lie around, the last thing I would have wanted to do was organize a party. As it is his idea, then he should do the work for organizing it. Sounds to me like he wants the credit for the idea but to off-load the work to someone else... I would stick with saying no and if nearer the time, after the surgery, you feel like helping, get in contact with him and ask if he wants any help then.

Throwncrumbs · 22/04/2023 21:03

As a nurse I can’t think of any surgery nowadays that sends you home to spend time being bed bound. It’s not the 1950s where you spent months in bed recuperating from surgery! The only bed bound patients I ever nursed were ventilated!

Original poster
showslope · 22/04/2023 21:12

Throwncrumbs · 22/04/2023 21:03

As a nurse I can’t think of any surgery nowadays that sends you home to spend time being bed bound. It’s not the 1950s where you spent months in bed recuperating from surgery! The only bed bound patients I ever nursed were ventilated!

Non-weight bearing for a long period of time

OP posts:
mainsfed · 22/04/2023 21:12

Throwncrumbs · 22/04/2023 21:03

As a nurse I can’t think of any surgery nowadays that sends you home to spend time being bed bound. It’s not the 1950s where you spent months in bed recuperating from surgery! The only bed bound patients I ever nursed were ventilated!

From the NHS on knee surgery:

For weeks 1 to 2 weeks, your knee is likely to be swollen and stiff, and you may need to take painkillers.

Your surgeon or GP will advise about the type of pain relief that's best for you. You'll be advised to raise your leg as much as possible – for example, by putting pillows under your heel when you're lying in bed.

flairyfairy · 22/04/2023 22:24

Blimey OP, I think you’re getting a rough ride of it from some. When I had minor knee surgery I was basically bed bound for a few days and then seriously restricted for a few weeks afterwards. The recovery from the anaesthetic and the painkillers also meant I was no use to anyone for 4-5 days afterwards.

Also, I’m not sure I’d know who to invite to my best friend’s party. We’ve know each other for 20 years and shared the same friendship group back then. House moves, job moves and kids later - not so much. Doesn’t mean she’s not my best friend!

YANBU for saying no to helping given this has been sprung on you at the last minute. Sleep, watch tv and eat chocolate - it worked for me.

midsomermurderess · 22/04/2023 22:29

The knee surgery is a red herring.

Weallgottachangesometime · 22/04/2023 22:30

Rather than focus on what you can’t do why not think about what you could do to help.

”sorry Bob, due to having surgery and not knowing most of her friends I can’t help with the guest list. However I can help with…collecting some funny photos of her to print out and display at the party/organise a cake for the party/ make a playlist of songs she likes/liked….

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 22:37

midsomermurderess · 22/04/2023 22:29

The knee surgery is a red herring.

Who wants to plan a party straight after knee surgery? Not me.

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/04/2023 22:39

I also think the surgery is a red-herring here. Being bed bound is surely the perfect time for admin?

It strikes me as odd that she's your best friend but you don't know her other friends?

I was out last night for a friends birthday, quite a big mixed group of various friends from various circles. I don't 'know' all of them, but on arrival I knew who they all were because we talk, I know OF her other friends, even if I don't personally know them. I did have to ask another mutual friend a couple of names, but I'd do the same thing by message 'I'm putting a list together for A's birthday, I've included X, Y, Z, have I missed anyone you can think of?'

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 22/04/2023 22:46

TomatoSandwiches · 22/04/2023 19:24

You don't sound like best friends tbh.

The way people jump to conclusions on mumsnet is freaking ridiculous.

Cas112 · 22/04/2023 22:51

This makes absolutely no sense, you surely could invite people from the invite of your own bed?

Sounds like you just don't want to help

By the end of the two weeks you will be so bored of being in bed you will have wish you had something to do even if it is something as trivial as arranging invites

Cas112 · 22/04/2023 22:52

Cas112 · 22/04/2023 22:51

This makes absolutely no sense, you surely could invite people from the invite of your own bed?

Sounds like you just don't want to help

By the end of the two weeks you will be so bored of being in bed you will have wish you had something to do even if it is something as trivial as arranging invites

Comfort of your own bed😂*

fluffi · 22/04/2023 23:26

YANBU

You are having surgery, and it sounds like it involves significant recovery time and you have no idea how tired or how much pain you’ll be afterwards of course you shouldn’t be helping with organising a party.

You don’t need the additional stress of feeling like you need to do any admin while recovering when you might want and need to be sleeping and resting. I’m surprised so many posters are assuming you’ll feel ok and bored!

Also ignore the MNs on here who say you aren’t close friends, my different friendship groups never overlap. I don’t talk about Uni friends with my friends from my hobbies and sports and they don’t overlap with my work and ex-work mates either! No one cares about people they’ve never met so I mention them!

Besides being involved a party you can’t attend is just rubbish.

YANBU.

MatildaTheCat · 22/04/2023 23:37

Surprise parties are crap. Tell him to ask her if she’d like a party and if so who to invite. You stay out of it because these events are ALWAYS a hassle.

She might prefer to see her friends individually and when she’s over any jet lag.

Get well soon.

Phoebo · 22/04/2023 23:39

bumbledeedum · 22/04/2023 19:12

How does a knee OP stop you messaging people?

This. Although if you're in pain maybe you'd rather relax. Just say you're having surgery so you don't want to commit as you don't know how you'll be feeling. It doenst even sound like a big deal, so I don't understand why someone else can't do it

RunningUpThatMill · 22/04/2023 23:44

Jeez. You'll be sat in bed all day with your phone in your hand. Of course you can help. If you don't want to then don't, you have free will, but don't blame a surgery that isn't going to incapacitate your mind or your hands.

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 00:00

You're reasonable to decline because you just don't want to do it. Cousin can find someone else. You're unreasonable to say because of knee surgery. That sounds like the perfect situation to send invitations from bed. Just say it's not something you can commit to right now and don't explain further. It's not an obligation to step up to help with a party someone else wants to organise.

OneHundredOtters · 23/04/2023 08:32

It sounds like she's having pretty major surgery. Posting the NHS recovery time is a bit pointless as you don't actually know what procedure she's having. Two of my friends have had knee surgery this year. One was fine within three days, the other was still in hospital after two weeks. I think committing to help would be unfair on the cousin as you just don't know what your outcome would be. You can give a hand if you feel up to it.

MRex · 23/04/2023 08:41
  1. Check really carefully about the operation, I've not heard of knee surgery without being required to be up and moving the same day
  2. Surprise party is silly, she wants to see her friends so get her to give a list
  3. You don't need to bother, but sending some texts and emails from the sofa is what you'd do whether you had surgery or not. I get that saying "can't be arsed" would be a bit rude, but at least be honest with yourself that you would be perfectly able to do it (and understand why he will think that too). Saying "I'm sorry, but I'm not able to come, so it would be a bit weird to invite people" might be better.
Lougle · 23/04/2023 08:47

Non-weight bearing doesn't mean bed. Presumably they're only operating on one knee? Crutches, a knee-walker, etc. It's really important to stay mobile to avoid blood clots, pneumonia, etc.

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