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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty about my cat?

58 replies

lepricon · 22/04/2023 18:14

I have had my two cats for 3 years and I love them both very much. Around 1 year ago, I got two chihuahua pups. My cats didn't go near them for a while but they did get used to one. One of the cats play with them and the other, although used to them, always kept his distance. They're both outdoor cats and so like to wander but they always came back.

2 months ago I got a call from my vet to say a lady had brought one of my cats in and said my cat had been going to her house daily for the past 10 months and she was giving him a little food and had set up a bed for him. She brought him to my vet to see if he was a stray. My vet knew him and he is microchipped so confirmed that he was from a loving home. My vet gave me the women's number.

I contacted the woman who lives in the same estate from me, she was very nice and said that she would stop feeding him, however stated that she and her granddaughter had grown very attached to him.

I had no idea he was going elsewhere and getting fed as he would still come home and eat and lie on the sofa etc.

However, I now haven't seen him in a month. I texted the woman who says he still goes to her house daily morning and evening but she assumed he was going home the rest of the time. I struggle to believe she isn't feeding him but what can you do, I'm glad she's being kind to him.

So I know he is alive but I miss him, my daughter misses him and I feel so guilty and believe that getting the dogs has triggered him to leave. I worry that he'll think we've just forgotten about him. I could go and bring him back but he's an outdoor cat so he could just leave again.

What should I do in this situation? Should I go looking for him and bring him back? Or should I just be thankful that he is being cared for elsewhere?

OP posts:
CryWolf · 22/04/2023 18:17

He’s chosen where he wants to be I suppose. In which case I would contact the lady and make sure she was actually happy to now feed him, so he didn’t starve, and see if she wanted to consider adopting him. At least then you would know he was loved and cared for.

Createausername1970 · 22/04/2023 18:26

The cat has moved on. He obviously knows where he prefers to be. Somewhere dog free.

It's a shame, but if you genuinely have his best interests at heart and you think the other family will care for him and consider him their own - including vet bills if he falls I'll in the future - then let him go.

sarahh96 · 22/04/2023 18:26

That's a tricky one. I had a similar situation to you a while ago. A neighbour took a liking to one of my cats and was feeding him. We found out and said that, although we were grateful for her kindness, he was diabetic (he wasn't) and that she was causing him health issues and expensive trips to the vets. It stopped for a while and he was coming home. Then, he suddenly started disappearing again. I went and knocked on her door and when she opened it, there was Pip lounging on a cushion she had made for him with a bowl of food beside him. Things became a little tricky after that. I wrote her a formal letter explaining why she needed to stop....she did.
I was lucky in that I caught her in the act but, in your situation I can only suggest putting a post on Facebook stating, if you see this cat do not feed due to diabetis etc. There's also the option of a tracker, although I haven't tried that.
I understand how upsetting and frustrating this is for you. There are thousands of cats in rescue looking for loving homes, it's totally unacceptable to feed other peoples. 😡

moonspiral · 22/04/2023 18:27

Cats choose their owners. Your cat doesn't want to live with you any more because of your dogs. So you have to choose the cat or the dogs.

PsychoHotSauce · 22/04/2023 18:28

That must be really hard OP. You should think about what would make the cat happiest though. If he really doesn't like the dogs (and some just never settle down) then I wouldn't make a point of bringing him home.

Years ago one of mine left as he was being bullied by a male stray. He was an outside cat too and wouldn't be kept in, and one day he just vanished.

8 months later he came back. He didn't forget us! Maybe yours will visit sometimes Smile

sunnydayhereandnow · 22/04/2023 18:55

I'm sorry this happened as you clearly love your cat, but it does sound like he's voted with his feet and a house with dogs and another cat isn't right for him. I can imagine your sadness (I also have a cat) but I don't think you need to feel guilty. I don't think cats have complex abstract thought processes about people remembering them, and if he wants to see you, he can easily choose to do so. It's tough, but I'd let him be where he has chosen to be, though I would make sure that the other family are willing to take full responsibility for him. Perhaps have a trial run first where he will fully live with them to check that he stays there?

Jibo · 22/04/2023 19:02

Why do people bring dogs into homes with established cats? What were you thinking? You're lucky that they haven't both gone. You should feel guilty.

sarahh96 · 22/04/2023 19:07

@Jibo WOW! Just WOW! What a horrible thing to say. There are plenty of people who intergrate cats and dogs. The OP should certainly NOT feel guilty!

Suzi888 · 22/04/2023 19:07

I would speak to the woman and ask if she would like to formally rehome him. He’s chosen where he wants to be (sorry).

@Jibo wow, harsh. We had a cat then a JRT puppy, cat out him in his place, despised him for a year then they were besties. I don’t think it was OP’s intention to upset her cat. Most cats adapt.

Doyouthinktheyknow · 22/04/2023 19:36

I do sort of wonder why you got the dogs when your cats were very settled. Seems sad for your cats because it’s a huge change for them.

Your cat sounds like it doesn’t want to live with dogs, surely the kindest thing would be for the other family to adopt the cat.

Original poster
lepricon · 23/04/2023 17:58

Well I went and got my cat from the lady's house today. Brought him home in the car with me. He sat with me and his brother (another cat) in the garden for around an hour, getting clapped and having treats. He kept hissing and hitting his brother though which is a shame as his brother was happy to see him and they always got along. I kept the dogs away.

He decided to wander off after a while and the woman has text me to say he is back at hers. She slipped up though as she said he had never stayed over in her house but then said he likes to sleep under dining room table when they all go to bed. Also said that she's been feeding him morning and night really nice food!

I think I just have to accept this one, the garden was lovely so I can see why he enjoys being there. But I feel worse having seeing him today 😞 feel really quite sad 😢

OP posts:
sarahh96 · 23/04/2023 18:54

Ahh that is sad for you. However, she's admitted to feeding him so a conversation needs to be had with her re future vet bills etc. She either accepts full responsibility for him or she stops feeding him. What happens if he needs a vet? Is she going to pay or is she just going to shut him out so he comes home and you have to pay?
This infuriated me. Anyone who knows cats knows that if you feed them they'll keep coming back!
Boundaries need to be set, one way or another

Doyouthinktheyknow · 23/04/2023 18:56

It is sad but cats are the most contrary and pernickety fuckers😻

I would love another cat but I strongly suspect my dcat would vote with her paw’s and find a new slave! It would break my heart so she wins and we remain a single cat household.

If your cat is happier in the other home and they are willing to take over responsibility and costs I think you probably need to accept this is what the cat wants. Better that they have another loving home than end up on the streets rather than be at yours I guess.

BlueKaftan · 23/04/2023 19:01

Jibo · 22/04/2023 19:02

Why do people bring dogs into homes with established cats? What were you thinking? You're lucky that they haven't both gone. You should feel guilty.

I quite agree! The established cats were fine and didn’t want or need dogs. Why did you even take the chance? Any did you want four pets?

ThinWomansBrain · 23/04/2023 19:01

Poor cat - sorry, but he obviously doesn't like your dogs and has voted with his feet. Paws.
If he is happier and content in what he has decided is his new home, be graceful about it and have a conversation with the woman about him staying with her and getting the ID chip changed.

TwoMonthsOff · 23/04/2023 19:02

@sarahh96 At the same time however, there are plenty of cats who don’t integrate with dogs, as has clearly happened here 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mercurial123 · 23/04/2023 19:06

Let your cat go. He's happier at his new home. My cat wouldn't accept dogs or even another cat. She's happiest on her own. They hate change, and that's what he's shown you by leaving.

TwoMonthsOff · 23/04/2023 19:06

@Mercurial123 Exactly

lunar1 · 23/04/2023 19:08

I think at this point you should offer to transfer the microchip to her name. Cats do just leave if they aren't happy and repeatedly bringing him back is probably just going to upset you more.

Some cats don't like any other pets, mine is 19 and she wouldn't even tolerate another cat in the house, never mind dogs!

Suzi888 · 23/04/2023 19:15

I don’t think he likes his brother either op. Perhaps happier as the only pet in the home. Let him go, if he wants to come back he can. I’m sorry.

ParkrunPlodder · 23/04/2023 19:34

I would let your cat choose. It’s sad but I believe cats have the right to choose.

MonumentalLentil · 23/04/2023 19:42

I kept returning a friendly cat to his home. He would be back at the house before I got there, waiting for me. He spent his time in our garden and would wait for us to come home, pushed his way into the kitchen and helped himself the my cat's left overs. She would beat him up but he carried on eating.

I returned him and rang the bell one night (for the millionth time) as he wasn't looking good, turned out they had got a GS puppy and he wasn't going home at all, even when I had shut him out. Said he was fine, had a vet checkup.

In the end he looked so bad I took him back and made them take him to the vet. A saga of vet visits ensued, vet was awful, didn't spot he was ill and kept making him go back until the insurance ran out, no diagnosis.

Owner didn't want the bother of him when she had to pay so I took him on and got him to a proper vet, diagnosed immediately as diabetic. I wish I had taken him on earlier as it was too late.

Crap vet details available on request.

WarningToTheCurious · 23/04/2023 19:42

I’d also say he’s chosen where he wants to be. My neighbour’s cat (who had already fallen out with his sister) did the same when he decided that he didn’t like the two new bouncy lab puppies.

Neighbour and new home came to an amicable arrangement with the other family adopting him and taking on all responsibilities (food, vet, insurance, chip etc).

qazxc · 23/04/2023 19:53

Sadly for you it does sound like he has moved on. The kindest thing is to let him go. You will have to have a chat with the lady to see whether she will adopt him, arrange the transfer of microchip and say goodbye. At least you know that he is somewhere cared for and happy.