AIBU not wanting anyhing to do with her now?

[Wenfy]

Ok, so a ‘friend’ who I ghosted 15 years ago, after years of problematic behaviour on her part, has contacted me again. I have no interest in rekindling the relationship but my dh thinks I’m heing a bit unreasonable as the problematic instances happened years ago and she ‘could have changed’. The things she did are (warning: essay!)

1. We met via a workplace where I was being badly bullied due to my sexuality (I’m bi) to the point where managers got caught and sacked trying to frame me for things I never did (I’m Indian, we had lots of lgbt staff, but I was the only Indian one and to the Indian management that was one too many. I was literally hounded to the point where when I finally got out the company paid me £££££ to sign an nda. At the workplace I caught her badmouthing me to others several times but she explained it as ‘trying to survive’ in the environment & that lots of people ‘bonded’ over badmouthing me. I stupidly accepted it.
2. Several times she backed out of plans at the very last second if someone from that workplace joined in. Eg we were meant to go to New Years Eve in London, had tickets, and she never showed up. She was my ride (but I had the tickets). She judst blanked me. Eventually I took my sister on the train. My ex-friend told me her mum was unwell but it was a lie as her boyfriend had posted lots of group photos on fb of them and several work colleges in Central London. I never called it out but it really disappointed me.
3. Several times she told another mutual friend that she wished she never ‘fed me’ (it’s a saying from out culture about feeding pigeons and them turning into rats). That mutual friend told me every time and warned me she wasn’t a friend but I was in such a bad mental place I just accepted the behaviour as my due.
4. She was one of the bridesmaids at my wedding and I was one at her wedding. At my wedding she was treated like any of the other bridesmaids and was totally spoiled as you’d expect at a big fat Indian wedding. She insisted I was bridesmaid at her wedding, asked me to meet the bridal party at mum’s, and I spent nearly the whole wedding taking care of her family (serving and making food, taking the elderly grannies to the toilet, making sure her parents took their meds) while the ‘real’ bridal party got photos. I wasn’t even allowed to walk her down the asile - watched it from the back. I didn’t call any of this out on the day because I didn’t want to spoil her day and then afterwards mum convinced me there was no point. After she returned from her honeymoon 2 weeks later she sent me a horrible message clearly not meant for me but defending why I wasn’t bridesmaid about how she wanted only her ‘closest’ friends with her and ‘wenfy’ would have spoiled the photos.
5. I was so hurt. She messaged me a little while into this saying she was pregnant and that she wanted me to organise her babyshower and so I planned it, organised it, it ran smoothly, and then I ghosted her after the baby was born.
6. Now I’m in a totally different place. Married, kid, we’re really well off (and I’m doing quite well I guess). She saw me on LinkedIn and tried to add me so I ignored her. Then she contacted me on fb before messaging me - I never blocked her number so was able to see it. Apparently she’s been reviewing her behaviour and wants to make amends - says she had MH issues too which I guess is fair. But just because she wants to make amends doesn’t mean I have to go along with it. DH thinks I should because it will make me happier to close off this chapter.

I just want to rip into her, tell her how much she hurt me, how much she hurt my mh, and just block her.

I didn’t read all your back story as it’s not relevant, it’s been 15 YEARS, don’t bother ripping into her or listening to your husband or going over and over it again. 15 whole years, block and move on.

I'll be honest, I read your first point and thought that was enough.... Block her and keep moving on with your life

Nope. Block and move on.

Just reading your OP stressed me out - I can[t imagine having lived through that, let alone typing it all out!

Consider your post as a cathartic "last time I think about this woman", and block all over.

💐

(forgive the [ symbol, i[ve lost my apostrophe!)

Just block.

Silence will tell her more than any explanation of how badly she has treated you.

Why are you even entertaining re-engaging with her?!

Someone who bonds with others by badmouthing a so-called friend can never be a good person, let alone a good friend.

It would be the height of foolishness to allow her back into her life.

Don’t even allow her to get a toe in the door ‘to close the chapter’, just block and delete her.

I’m Asian too in case remotely helpful!

Don't have any form of face to face meeting with this manipulative, vicious woman. She is attempting to groom you again, and although you have changed you may find yourself drawn back under what seems like the spell she had over you. I say spell because no matter how badly she treated you, you returned for more abuse. If you need to tell her anything, email her, but really you should just ignore her and block her.

She used you in the past and will do it again. Perhaps she thinks she might get money off you now you are better off. I wouldn't wait to find out what she wants this time just ignore and move on, not worth the stress you could never trust her.

Just simply say "Thank you for the apology for your bad behaviour in the past but I've moved on with my life."

Don’t engage with her at all, just ignore and block her. It sends a much more powerful message.

Just simply say "Thank you for the apology for your bad behaviour in the past but I've moved on with my life."

^. This!

She is doing this to make herself feel better, not you.

I think it’s best to ignore her request.

I couldn’t be bothered reading all that and I don’t think I needed to either. You ended the friendship 15 years ago for a reason, there is absolutely no need to pick it up again now. Ignore ignore ignore.

Personally, I'd continue to ignore her, but I'm not not very forgiving of being used.

All that nonsense about poor mental health? Just an excuse for being mean.

She sees you've done well for yourself and wants to piggyback on it (reflected glory). I'd be very wary of any approach and wouldn't trust her an inch.

This is what I suspect. She’s in the buy to let finance sector. I think she’s found me accidentally from some kind of contact list.

I don’t think it’s true, but even if I were being charitable and genuinely believed she wanted to make amends for her past behaviour (which I don’t) - tgat is her issue, not yours. She’s perfectly entitled to reach out, and you’re perfectly entitled to say “Not interested”. Do what feels right to you.

No good friend would treat someone that way and she would not add anything to your life. Ignore!!! block!!!!

You sound like a very kind person and from her past behaviour, I would assume she is angling to take advantage of you in some way.
You made the right decision 15 years ago. Don’t get drawn into her world again or let her encroach on the life you have made for yourself now.

Wenfy you are being FAR too nice a person to even consider allowing this person back into your life.

BLOCK! And don't give her a second thought.

This. No reasons required, it was from a decade and a half ago. You've moved on and aren't obliged to give her an opportunity to apologise.

I read the whole thing; she sounds awful.

But I don't believe in 'blocking' people. It's childish and pointless.

If she's tried to apologise, thank her for the apology, say you appreciate the gesture and then leave it.

I wouldn't be friends again with someone like this but civility costs nothing.

But I don't believe in 'blocking' people. It's childish and pointless.

It’s not childish or pointless, it’s practical and serves a purpose! They can’t contact you anymore and it avoids more drama, really not pointless.

I just want to rip into her, tell her how much she hurt me, how much she hurt my mh, and just block her.

if this would make you feel better or empowered then do it. Followed by blocking. It’s even possible it may help her to realise what a cow she’s been and that actions have consequences. Then move serenely on with your frenemy free life!

She’s doesn’t want to make amends. At best, she wants you to forgive her so she can feel better about herself.

Sod that. I’d be inclined to say that I won’t be a party to her absolving herself of all the shit things she’s done.

I would say "Thank-you for reaching out to apologise to me." And then block her on everything. You don't even owe her that but I think it's what I would do.