AIBU not wanting anyhing to do with her now?

[Wenfy]

Ok, so a ‘friend’ who I ghosted 15 years ago, after years of problematic behaviour on her part, has contacted me again. I have no interest in rekindling the relationship but my dh thinks I’m heing a bit unreasonable as the problematic instances happened years ago and she ‘could have changed’. The things she did are (warning: essay!)

1. We met via a workplace where I was being badly bullied due to my sexuality (I’m bi) to the point where managers got caught and sacked trying to frame me for things I never did (I’m Indian, we had lots of lgbt staff, but I was the only Indian one and to the Indian management that was one too many. I was literally hounded to the point where when I finally got out the company paid me £££££ to sign an nda. At the workplace I caught her badmouthing me to others several times but she explained it as ‘trying to survive’ in the environment & that lots of people ‘bonded’ over badmouthing me. I stupidly accepted it.
2. Several times she backed out of plans at the very last second if someone from that workplace joined in. Eg we were meant to go to New Years Eve in London, had tickets, and she never showed up. She was my ride (but I had the tickets). She judst blanked me. Eventually I took my sister on the train. My ex-friend told me her mum was unwell but it was a lie as her boyfriend had posted lots of group photos on fb of them and several work colleges in Central London. I never called it out but it really disappointed me.
3. Several times she told another mutual friend that she wished she never ‘fed me’ (it’s a saying from out culture about feeding pigeons and them turning into rats). That mutual friend told me every time and warned me she wasn’t a friend but I was in such a bad mental place I just accepted the behaviour as my due.
4. She was one of the bridesmaids at my wedding and I was one at her wedding. At my wedding she was treated like any of the other bridesmaids and was totally spoiled as you’d expect at a big fat Indian wedding. She insisted I was bridesmaid at her wedding, asked me to meet the bridal party at mum’s, and I spent nearly the whole wedding taking care of her family (serving and making food, taking the elderly grannies to the toilet, making sure her parents took their meds) while the ‘real’ bridal party got photos. I wasn’t even allowed to walk her down the asile - watched it from the back. I didn’t call any of this out on the day because I didn’t want to spoil her day and then afterwards mum convinced me there was no point. After she returned from her honeymoon 2 weeks later she sent me a horrible message clearly not meant for me but defending why I wasn’t bridesmaid about how she wanted only her ‘closest’ friends with her and ‘wenfy’ would have spoiled the photos.
5. I was so hurt. She messaged me a little while into this saying she was pregnant and that she wanted me to organise her babyshower and so I planned it, organised it, it ran smoothly, and then I ghosted her after the baby was born.
6. Now I’m in a totally different place. Married, kid, we’re really well off (and I’m doing quite well I guess). She saw me on LinkedIn and tried to add me so I ignored her. Then she contacted me on fb before messaging me - I never blocked her number so was able to see it. Apparently she’s been reviewing her behaviour and wants to make amends - says she had MH issues too which I guess is fair. But just because she wants to make amends doesn’t mean I have to go along with it. DH thinks I should because it will make me happier to close off this chapter.

I just want to rip into her, tell her how much she hurt me, how much she hurt my mh, and just block her.

Nope absolutely do not get back in touch you will regret it.

I would just ignore her. You would be foolish to engage with her again. She was very unpleasant to you before and is likely to be again. You don't need a good reason to say no to being friends with someone, not wanting to be friends is enough of a reason. That you don't know that yourself makes me think that you could be manipulated into putting up with her awful behaviour again. I would also wonder why your DH thinks you should give someone who has been so horrible to you a second chance? Does he not think that friends are something that should be chosen of free-will?

I suspect she wants money from you. That's why she has come out of the woodwork now. If you do make contact, expect the demands to start soon and she will turn nasty if you say no.

Why is this your husband's business?

Why doesn't he care more about his wife than this random person he's not seen for at least 15 years?

But don't say anything to her, just block her means of contacting you. Honestly people like this love any response, even bad ones. Your power lies in denying her what she wants.

Block her. It has fuck Al to do with your H, too. Does he have your back normally? Because he doesn’t here.

Ditto!

At best, she wants to make herself feel better by apologising. At worst, she’s got nobody else running around after her at the moment and she wants to draw you back in. Either way, you gain nothing. Steer well clear.

Jeez she sounds vile. After her carry on I wouldn't give her the time of day tbh. She doesn't deserve you.

Her reason is probably monetary and even if it isn't screw her.

If she's in the BTL finance sector then she'll be struggling for work big time. Landlords are fleeing the sector.

Aside, I'd ignore or if you really want to, a simple "go fuck yourself" is the perfect response IMHO

It's been 15 years! Nothing good will come from rekindling this friendship. I did it after 5 years, she hadn't changed at all. We went no contact again, saw her ten years later because of a bereavement, she was all smiles and polite but did it again. A week later a family member was on a 3 way call with her, regarding the deseased. Asked me to get involved, to translate what she was saying. I said no thanks, I'm not doing anything for her again. You have to stick to your decision. Protect yourself always because bad people do not change, no matter how much you want them to.

I would do this.

Nothing to do with your husband.. he doesnt get an opinion.
She was a cow then.. she is a cow now.
Ignore.
Block.
Move on with your life

Block ignore don't give her the satisfaction of having your head space. Indifference is far more galling than anger

She may be contacting everyone she has ever spoken to as part of a sales campaign (or at least the ones with money). So don't read too much significance into her getting back in touch. Just be one of the ones who block and move on

No don't reply. There is no guarantee she's changed and if you're in contact you'd likely be waiting for the nasty to come out
Silence speaks volumes imo

No. Fuck her for treating you like that.
Don't respond. Move on

No response is a response.,

I don’t think she can make amends. She can message you an apology, which you can accept, but there’s no reason for any further contact. Blaming all those selfish and cruel behaviours on “mental health” doesn’t make any sense. You don’t need her back in your life.

Yes! I agree with this stance too. Don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she’s got to you by blocking her. Just “grey rock”

Don't re-engage.

Past will always come back up, those feelings, each time you're in contact.

You are in a good place. Focus on your current activities and people on your life.

So she realised she was bad to you and it’s taken her 15 years to say sorry? She literally didn’t care for you for 15 years but now she wants to say sorry. Why now? She obviously wants something. No way would I be in contact.

Hmmm I'm a bit of a pollyanna and like to believe people can change and grow and be better.

However on this occasion I think everyone else is correct, block and expunge her from your mind.

For me it is playing the mental health card. Rather than taking responsibility for her actions, she is laying the blame elsewhere.. She is looking for atonement to assuage her guilt rather than pouring oil on the waters she troubled, with the intention of benefiting you. Plus putting poor behaviour down to mental health issues really rankles as mentally ill people are clearly not all behaving like arseholes.

Walk away OP and enjoy your lovely life. Fingers crossed you keeping doing very well for yourself.

No ignore your husband.

Thanks this is what I needed to hear. I was a fool for accepting the behaviour before but my life was so, so shit back then & due to the bullying my esteem was at an all time low.

I’ve replied - I thanked her for her apology and that’s it. I haven’t said anything else. Not interested in hashing it out. I’ll block her in a couple of days if she tries contacting me again.

As for my DH - he has a tendancy to see the best in people. But he doesn’t understand what it’s like to be hated for who you are & then have people make shit up when they can’t pin anything on you.

Nah don't bother. You've done 15 years without her and she was unpleasant. What's the point? What's her reason for contacting? Weird.

Nope don't do it! You will never get anything from the relationship and you will have to block all over again