to have a child

[Annaissleeping]

I am going round in circles and just don't know what to do.

I've spent my whole life wanting to be a mum. I worked as a nanny before university and found it hard work but incredible (although I valued going home at night and sleeping through). I absolutely love children although I appreciate parenting is hard in ways you can't understand until you're in the middle of it.

I had some physical health issues in my twenties and early thirties which saw me being dumped repeatedly. I had some really horrible partners including one abusive one and in all honesty I lost all my confidence in that time. My mental health suffered as a result but I have spent the last few years trying to build myself up again. My physical health is now really good and has been for some years as I had the right treatment for my condition. I have no reason to believe I'll struggle from here physically, thankfully.

I am financially secure, I have a job I love (and I could do from home/part time). I have really good friends but very little nice family. I am 40 and am getting a lot of anxiety around getting old alone. I keep bursting into tears about it at the moment. Given I lost so much confidence I'd talked myself out of being a parent alone and was adamant I wouldn't for years but time is running out and that is hitting home. Deep down I so badly want to be a mum. A good friend is dying and she said please go for it. All the mum friends I've spoken to bar one have also been so supportive and said do it. It's hard but the good outweighs the bad.

My doubts are around how very very hard parenting can be alone. I have a lot of respect for how hard it can be. I struggle when I don't get a full night's sleep - my mental health deteriorates. I do worry that could cause me additional problems. Equally I think women are very resilient and other people cope somehow. I could potentially hire some help in the early months to catch up on sleep to muddle through. I do also worry that I would be lonely in my parenting journey given I've had so little time in happy relationships and don't have much family. My adult life has been spent far too much on my own, battling very hard things. I know my age is against me too and I'd have loved 2 children too.

In an ideal world I'd go for it (fertility permitting). I think the good would outweigh the bad. I am just so scared. I was having therapy about it recently but my therapist didn't help matters because she hated lots about parenting and couldn't help slip in comments about how miserable she was finding it (!). She was very wealthy and happily coupled up so I came away more scared because if she's struggling, what chance do I have?! I've stopped seeing her now. I talked briefly to my GP about things and his comment was just 'parenting is very stressful.'

I genuinely believe that being a single parent in the early days would have been easier than having DH around. He wasn’t very helpful and just caused me excess stress.

so doing it all alone wouldn’t scare me. Though I was much younger having mine and better without sleep than you sound (or I would be now!).

what would put me off is purposely having a child that won’t know their father if you were to go down the donor route. From that perspective I’d prefer co parenting with someone else who also wants a child but not a relationship, though that could well bring it’s own issues and access arrangements would all have to be laid out legally.

its not an ideal way to bring a child into the world but people make it work. If you think you’ll really regret not having a child then do it. But do it soon as without wanting to sound rude, you’re already the wrong side of 40 and you can hang around much longer.

• can’t hang around much longer

Okay, so you have really thought about it, and yes as a former nanny...its completely different when you have your own.
I'm a single mum by choice and how I planned it, well nothing happened how it was meant to. Would I change it/ do I regret it? No, quite simply.

It is hard, relentless, forever cleaning up, doing the same thing everyday. But it's worth it.

I also struggle with lack of sleep, my son wasn't even that bad and I was on here asking about adoption because I thought I wasn't good enough, so if you can have some help at some points, do it.

I'd suggest owing to a fertility clinic and having a fertility "mot " basically tests/ blood tests to see where you are fertility wise as a first step.

Any questions, feel free to message.

#going to a clinic, not owing!

Thank you. I know my age is not going to help me - I will kick myself if I am just too old so I will get on with it asap if I decide to go for it. I've been looking on a co-parenting page as I would far rather my child know their father and have some kind of relationship with him if possible. With that being said my own dad was utterly disinterested and and uninvolved and I lived in the same house as him for my whole childhood. I am not sure he ever quite even knew my name 😅

Lots of people in relationships have children without too much consideration because it's the next step in a conventional lifestyle. I chose to have children, albeit in a relationship, essentially because I wanted to and could. It wasn't about long term family life for me or anything like that.

You've thought about it a lot and have thought about ways to mitigate any potential issues you might come across. I think that's more than many parents do in advance.

Co-parenting is one thing, but you'd have to be so so certain that anyone you enter into that relationship with is someone that you could deal with long term and shares key values with you. Tricky.

I was on my own with my first. I don’t think second time around having a dh was that different as he works a lot. It may even have been slightly easier in some ways because you’re not having to negotiate an other persons opinions etc. I’d go for it. Motherhood is amazing.

The trouble is you have no idea how you will find parenting (and the personality of your child) until you have one.

In your circumstances, if you were asking for a purely logic based decision, I would advise against it. I would worry about the impact on your fragile sounding mental health. I know people do muddle through, but I'd want more than "muddling through" for a potential child. You don't really mention a wider family support network, so I'm going to assume you don't have one. So you're taking on a lot.

Also, having a child to stop you growing old alone is really not a good reason.

Go for it! You are more likely to regret not doing it than doing it! Dont worry about doing it alone, SO MANY women do it either alone or with useless men who never lift a finger! They all pull through. You need to work on trusting in yourself, you are perfectly able to do this!
Dont do the coparenting thing though, that sounds like just more stress having to negotiate with someone else all the time.

Don’t you think it’s a little on the selfish side to deny a child ever knowing their father just to save yourself a bit of hassle?

I don’t know. Just doesn’t really sit right with me, but each to their own I guess.

Redsky I think those are fair points and that's what I've always got stuck on. I have a friend who had a very angelic, easy first child and then one who screamed non-stop for the first 3 years. I know that would be incredibly hard alone. It nearly broke her.

I have very little family support. My mum would be very happy for me if I had a baby and very occasionally help out but she's 76 and wouldn't be doing lots of childcare. I have 2 lovely cousins who would be emotionally supportive but they have their own busy lives. But that's where I was hoping that buying in childcare would help me.

If it helps, I don't anticipate struggling mentally other than in those early years with the tiredness. I'm not depressed in general, I have a happy life and have masses of love to give, it's just when I'm exhausted I do feel depressed and struggle. My diagnosis is actually cPTSD rather than depression itself so most of the time if I'm sleeping well, I don't struggle. If someone was watching the baby 3 afternoons a week, say, and I could have a good afternoon nap, I'd love to think that would keep the worst of things at bay. But it's all guesswork given I don't know the reality of so many sleepless nights all the time and a real life child I'm actually responsible for.

The hardest part in terms of tiredness is in the early stages when your small baby wakes so often for feeding. You can mitigate by breastfeeding, learning how to safely co-sleep and figure out how to feed lying down. It's always better to plan to safely co sleep than to fall asleep accidentally due to tiredness without having a safe sleep set up.

Or you can mitigate by formula feeding and hiring a night nurse to help. Expensive but if you can afford it, it could be an option.

As a single parent with not much family support, you won't be able to go anywhere on your own without having paid childcare for many years. Just worth really thinking about in terms of any hobbies or activities that you currently do.

having a child to stop you growing old alone is really not a good reason

I do think we are such social creatures though and most of us want to have a family for something linked to this reason. And it's not reason number one, it's something that's haunting me a lot at the moment but it's not the actual specific reason I'd have a child.

I'd have a child because I adore children, I would love the experience of watching my own child change and grow. The main child I looked after as a nanny was a hoot - he changed my whole perspective on life. We laughed every day together. And I cared for him so much and that felt wonderful. I have lots of things that make me happy that I'd love to share with my own children as they grow (favourite hobbies, favourite places - although I do very well know a lot of children don't skip around loving things just because you do. I was a horror about moaning about whatever my parents dragged me out to). I love the idea of a lifestyle where weekends are taken up with football matches or birthday parties or meeting up with friends and their children. It just seems like such a full, rich life with children (at best). My life has so many good things in it but it boils down to something quite meaningless at the moment to be honest. It's empty. I love the idea of being a granny too. I am an aunt and love my nieces and nephews very much but it's a very different bond to the parental one.

'Just worth really thinking about in terms of any hobbies or activities that you currently do.'

Thank you. Yes, that worries me. I love my hobbies and my time alone. I just hate coming home from being out with friends to an empty house (I have pets which is great but not the same). I don't like the idea of the next 10 or 20 years being like this where, great, I go off hiking or paddle boarding or swimming with friends and some of those days are lovely but it's just not enough. It's not a child. It's not family. I wonder how much just living like this where I am free to do what I want and do have fun is really enough for me, lovely and fun as some things are. Even things like trips to Europe for a long weekend - lovely, I love doing that. It's just feeling a bit meaningless in the grand scheme of things now.

I don't think you need to try to justify the perfectly typical and reasonable desire to have a family. Nothing you've described there is unreasonable.

You just have to be realistic about not being able, or perhaps not even wanting, to go on weekends away with friends for a good few years.

The happiness my child brings me I've just asked myself would I have done it alone and with out a doubt 100% yes.

You clearly want a baby, your in a secure position life wise if I was you I would.

If you enjoyed being a nanny then having your own is a million times better

It doesn't sit right with me either. I think someone posted on a very similar thread about going on Facebook and finding groups for those born with a donor and understanding how they actually feel about it.

I would go for it OP, you sound as if you’ve given it a lot of thought and have an understanding that there will be difficult times and times where you may struggle. I think every parent struggles at certain times. Many people have children without even thinking about it. You want a child and if I was you I would give it a try and get the hall rolling as soon as possible.

Ignore the ppl who say they were ‘like’ a single parent as their DH worked or didn’t do much, they have no idea.
Its hard to describe how incredibly hard and relentless it is, EVERY single thing depends on you, finances, housework, having a baby dependent on you, and you alone and very intensely for the first few years. The sleep deprivation is gruelling and don’t under estimate the toll on your MH, pre natal depression and/or post natel are a very real possibility if you already have existing MH issues.
That being said, the joy a child can bring is unparalleled and I don’t think you will ever regret doing it. It’s good you are prepared for it to be tough, it won’t be such s shock to you! Good luck with your decision

Go for it..if motherhood is calling for you you will regret it more as years go by if you didnt at least try. Negatives ninnies about stresses of parenthood ye ye stressful at times but made up by so much love,fun and seeing your child grow,even smallest things they do make your heart melt, a little smile or even a loving look they give you. Motherhood will change you for the better and you will be more resilient,your child will become tour priority and you will do whatever you need to do for him/her and thats one thing in your life you wont regret,having a child.

Being completely honest I think you need to have a proper think about how much being a lone parent may affect you and if you will be ok with that. If you already struggle with your mental health, particularly when you’re tired, it may not be the right thing for you. I also struggle but I have DH to help and he did half of the nights and does his fair share of looking after DC. I still struggled and felt so low during the first year or so. It’s exhausting, babies wake multiple times in the night and it’s relentless even with a partner to help. You may get a baby who doesn’t sleep through until they are a few years old. You lose your alone time, and don’t get to do what you want anymore. You can hire in Babysitters but you wouldn’t want to when they are so small at first.

What would you do if the baby/child is very difficult due to adhd/neurodiversity, or has severe special needs which require lifetime care? Severe autism is on the increase and, as far as I know, there is no prenatal testing for it like there is for other issues. Would you be able to cope?

I could have written your post. I'm in similar circumstances. But although my health issues are well controlled at the minute. It's a degenerative condition, so may get worse. My parents are about to move 200 miles away. So I'd have no support at all. So I can't do it. Breaks my heart. But but it's the right decision.

Op I doubt in reality that many I'd the posters saying they would go for it, would actually go for it.

Raising children alone is not for the faint hearted.

I think if you like your hobbies, sleep and time alone then being a mother is not for you.

The reality of weekends as a single parent with no family is likely to be spending time alone or scrabbling round for people to spend an hour or 2 with. People are mostly busy with their own families at weekends, whether that is immediate family or grandparents etc. An hour or 2 at a kids football match maybe and then you'd be going home to spend another evening alone at home while your child is asleep.

It's very difficult to find decent paid childcare outside of Monday to Friday 8 to 6. Most people don't want to leave pre school age children with strangers. Friends help occasionally but the reality is staying home almost all the time .

You can't rely on them sleeping through until age 2 really, maybe older. There won't be anyone to look after them for you in the day unless you pay a nursery and that is really expensive so unlikely you'll want to do that just to catch up on sleep.

I guess your mum would be company for you even if not much help with sole charge childcare so there is that.

And then you've potentially got the issue of your child struggling with the fact that you purposely deprived them of a father. Possible resentment and almost certainly some issues as they grow up.

A friend of mine did this using a sperm donor. She's now incredibly lonely and isolated. Potentially things may improve once the child is older but I can see him being sent to boarding school at a young age. Very sad situation