to have a child

[Annaissleeping]

I am going round in circles and just don't know what to do.

I've spent my whole life wanting to be a mum. I worked as a nanny before university and found it hard work but incredible (although I valued going home at night and sleeping through). I absolutely love children although I appreciate parenting is hard in ways you can't understand until you're in the middle of it.

I had some physical health issues in my twenties and early thirties which saw me being dumped repeatedly. I had some really horrible partners including one abusive one and in all honesty I lost all my confidence in that time. My mental health suffered as a result but I have spent the last few years trying to build myself up again. My physical health is now really good and has been for some years as I had the right treatment for my condition. I have no reason to believe I'll struggle from here physically, thankfully.

I am financially secure, I have a job I love (and I could do from home/part time). I have really good friends but very little nice family. I am 40 and am getting a lot of anxiety around getting old alone. I keep bursting into tears about it at the moment. Given I lost so much confidence I'd talked myself out of being a parent alone and was adamant I wouldn't for years but time is running out and that is hitting home. Deep down I so badly want to be a mum. A good friend is dying and she said please go for it. All the mum friends I've spoken to bar one have also been so supportive and said do it. It's hard but the good outweighs the bad.

My doubts are around how very very hard parenting can be alone. I have a lot of respect for how hard it can be. I struggle when I don't get a full night's sleep - my mental health deteriorates. I do worry that could cause me additional problems. Equally I think women are very resilient and other people cope somehow. I could potentially hire some help in the early months to catch up on sleep to muddle through. I do also worry that I would be lonely in my parenting journey given I've had so little time in happy relationships and don't have much family. My adult life has been spent far too much on my own, battling very hard things. I know my age is against me too and I'd have loved 2 children too.

In an ideal world I'd go for it (fertility permitting). I think the good would outweigh the bad. I am just so scared. I was having therapy about it recently but my therapist didn't help matters because she hated lots about parenting and couldn't help slip in comments about how miserable she was finding it (!). She was very wealthy and happily coupled up so I came away more scared because if she's struggling, what chance do I have?! I've stopped seeing her now. I talked briefly to my GP about things and his comment was just 'parenting is very stressful.'

Hi OP. You've given this a lot of thought and weighed up pros and cons, which is more than some people do before they become parents...me included!

I think it sounds like you'd make a great mum.
It is difficult with lack of sleep though...I will be honest and say this is where I struggled most. I actually got post partum psychosis and was on medication for a while in the early months but me and DD survived, we are fine and well and have a wonderful bond now.
As you are aware of your mental health, if you did get pregnant you can ask for help from your midwife from the perinatal mental health team, they can help keep an eye out if something is amiss.

You are secure financially which is great so you can hire help if needed. I wouldn't worry too much about lack of support. I have a partner and parents, none of who were any good when DD was a baby. It was tough but so worth it.

It sounds like being a mum is something you really want to do. Wishing you lots of luck with your decision x

I'd be wary of thinking that children's activities will fill your weekends. They really don't and they seriously limit what you can do. If lots of your friends have children of similar ages it helps but all your activities are about the kids so it's not as socially satisfying as time with grownups. They can't replace friends

I could have written this myself 6 years ago.
I went for it, had IVF and gave birth at 40.
The early months were definitely the easiest, just the two of us and no pressure to be anything but mum and newborn.

I realised just how hard I had it as a completely single parent during lockdown.
That kicked my ass. No help, no out sourcing childcare, no social support was so incredibly difficult. No chatting with another adult human after bedtime.
Please only consider if you have plenty of social support, it's impossible otherwise.
Using babysitting credits wisely usually means not having you time. 6 years on and I've still not had a night away with friends (I'm not complaining really, but it would be nice 😅)
Playing good cop, then bad cop all in the same day messes with the mum guilt.
The hugs and the 'i love you's' make you feel like you are walking on air.
The financial worry is a worry (but probably similar for 2 parent families too)
My fear of my child growing up lonely is huge (but I may be projecting)
BUT I wouldn't have my life any other way...I 10000% made the right decision.
I'd hate my life without my child, they complete me as I knew they would.

Go for it. There's nothing to lose

Thank you - this is all so helpful.

I think having read all this I feel I can't go through with it. There are a few comments on here that have made me reflect deeply overnight and my instinct is I could be making life so extremely hard for myself. My life has already been very hard and if things were bad in terms of having a particularly poor sleeper or child with very complex additional needs, I would cope (of course I would, you have to don't you and I'm a strong person) but I think it could end up being very tough on me to the point where I'd be miserable. If I stay childfree, I have a lot to offer nieces and nephews still and friend's children and I can meet my own basic needs in terms of my mental health - perhaps that is where my focus needs to be from here. Finding outlets for that maternal energy/instinct in other ways.

I appreciate not just getting 'do it' or 'don't' type posts - people have raised several things here I've benefitted from thinking about. So thank you.

Parenting is hard and nobody knows how they will cope until child is born/growing. All children are different and all parents are but it is definitely harder without any support.

I am with my DH but we have no family support nearby which means we have hardly ever been out together in the last 13 yrs! It has been tough, as you do need a break now and then.

Also you are 40 and you will be tired in the next few years as you get older, running around after a toddler. You may feel fine now (I was 38) but it definitely takes it’s toll.

You basically have to forfeit your own needs for that of your child’s. I don’t regret our decision at all (DD is great) but I do wish we had had some family nearby.

Consider adoption?

You won't regret going for it but you will regret not going for it imo.I hope it all goes well for you

Why would adoption be better than having a biological child? Adoption is a rigorous process, lots of assessment to go through before any possible placement. They will look at family support too, and make judgements. Then if a placement goes ahead it's very unlikely to be a very young baby without any additional needs. Even if there are no specific issues, there are issues with attachment which are common for adopted children.

Adoption is a different but equally or more challenging set of issues.

@RoseslnTheHospital considering age of op and potentially missing out the sleepless nights stage it would be worth considering.
I did not say it would be easy either.

Also lack of sperm and no guarantee insemination from a donor would work. If op is 40 time is ticking and insemination or IVF would take some time.

I think you are in danger of spending so long thinking about it that you will miss out of the last of your fertility. If you really want to go for it then do so.

I know a loving kind mum who sleeps all day and drinks a bottle of vodka ( child is 19) not ideal but has a strong loving intelligent bond with husband and child. So lots of less than idea situations can create well balanced happy kids

I’m sure my parents’ friends would have said the same of my alcoholic parents. I’m now NC and have spent god knows how much in therapy to sort out the issues caused by a childhood of neglect and parental addiction. Alcoholics should never be used as an advertisement to go ahead and have a kid. JFC this site!

I can’t advise you what to do, but I think it’s worth adding that I’ve found motherhood can be very lonely and isolating and I know I’m not alone in that.

I would also think very carefully about bringing a child into the world knowing they’ll only have one parent and probably no siblings; it sounds a bit lonely for the child.

I am 40 and am getting a lot of anxiety around getting old alone. I keep bursting into tears about it at the moment
This sounds quite concerning.
Any potential children are not a guarantee against being alone in old age, and it's a rotten reason to have a child.

Remember a mum on telly with no arms or legs who supported her self as an artist she raised a lively boy by herself
Are you serious? 🙄. You do know how that ended, right? It was a tragic story, all the way through.

@NEmama

I wasnt going to respond on this thread as the op appears to have come to a decision.
But as an adoptive mum I feel I need to address the adoption issue. Yes of course is an option, its what I did, but to avoid sleepless nights is a not a reason to adopt.
The vast majority of adopted children have some level of additional needs, some very complex. I adopted an 8 year old, I still had my share of disrupted nights because guess what - removing a child from their foster family is traumatic. I was fort

posted before I finished
@NEmama
I was fortunate that my son had clearly identified needs, an EHCP, diagnosis, DLA all in place. We have been fortunate to have great schools. Many adoptive parents have to fight to get all this.
I appear to have raised a happy, increasingly confident young man who is off to university. But getting here has nearly broken me at times. Many adoptive parents find their friends disappear when their children start displaying challenging behaviour. I’m lucky - my friends stuck by me. I always knew that if something happened to me my son would be looked after. But I am greatly relieved that we have got to 19, I have had no serious health issues, but I know he could support himself financially and he has friends and family so he would not be alone if something happened now.
Adopting a child can be a great thing for both parent and child but it comes with a cost which is nothing to do with finances.

@Ted27 absolutely. Has to be the right thing for the child first and foremost

I have to agree with this I’m afraid.

Yes it does.

I can't imagine the op would be able to adopt, she has too many needs of her own. As previous posters have said, adoption is not an easy option. It takes a long time to be approved nowadays and, speaking as a person who was adopted as a baby, I thank goodness it does.

@LBFseBrom there is a huge shortage of adopting families.
My parents adopted my d sis I have some idea

That doesn't mean standards are lowered
How strange that you'd imagine it would make the process easier...

@ReadersD1gest I never said it would make it easier 🤷

Load of tosh

If you want a child then go for it. I was a single mum and managed just fine on a nurses salary. I bought my own home and had a lovely child minder that DS loved.
I have a few single friends who have had children alone too and are very happy.
It's much much harder having a baby with a feckless father who is useless and makes too many demands. The early cocoon with just me and DS was the happiest time of my life.
My Dsis has just had her first at 48. They are all happy and healthy.