to have a child

[Annaissleeping]

I am going round in circles and just don't know what to do.

I've spent my whole life wanting to be a mum. I worked as a nanny before university and found it hard work but incredible (although I valued going home at night and sleeping through). I absolutely love children although I appreciate parenting is hard in ways you can't understand until you're in the middle of it.

I had some physical health issues in my twenties and early thirties which saw me being dumped repeatedly. I had some really horrible partners including one abusive one and in all honesty I lost all my confidence in that time. My mental health suffered as a result but I have spent the last few years trying to build myself up again. My physical health is now really good and has been for some years as I had the right treatment for my condition. I have no reason to believe I'll struggle from here physically, thankfully.

I am financially secure, I have a job I love (and I could do from home/part time). I have really good friends but very little nice family. I am 40 and am getting a lot of anxiety around getting old alone. I keep bursting into tears about it at the moment. Given I lost so much confidence I'd talked myself out of being a parent alone and was adamant I wouldn't for years but time is running out and that is hitting home. Deep down I so badly want to be a mum. A good friend is dying and she said please go for it. All the mum friends I've spoken to bar one have also been so supportive and said do it. It's hard but the good outweighs the bad.

My doubts are around how very very hard parenting can be alone. I have a lot of respect for how hard it can be. I struggle when I don't get a full night's sleep - my mental health deteriorates. I do worry that could cause me additional problems. Equally I think women are very resilient and other people cope somehow. I could potentially hire some help in the early months to catch up on sleep to muddle through. I do also worry that I would be lonely in my parenting journey given I've had so little time in happy relationships and don't have much family. My adult life has been spent far too much on my own, battling very hard things. I know my age is against me too and I'd have loved 2 children too.

In an ideal world I'd go for it (fertility permitting). I think the good would outweigh the bad. I am just so scared. I was having therapy about it recently but my therapist didn't help matters because she hated lots about parenting and couldn't help slip in comments about how miserable she was finding it (!). She was very wealthy and happily coupled up so I came away more scared because if she's struggling, what chance do I have?! I've stopped seeing her now. I talked briefly to my GP about things and his comment was just 'parenting is very stressful.'

I think many people do actually regret having children. It's a bit taboo to say so but there are enough threads on here about it.

Go for it! I'm a single mum by choice (I'm 45 and DS is 3). Yes, it's hard work. Yes, you will have very, very little free time for the next few years. But it's an amazing journey and completely changes your life. Plus being older and having faced previous challenges, you have a lot of life experience to bring to this. I haven't found parenting too stressful so far, but that's partly because as an older mother I had lots of experience dealing with challenges in other areas of life, and lots of mum friends to get advice from, so I knew where to turn.

The biggest challenge for me has been time. I went from having an excess of spare time to finding it really challenging to squeeze everything in. I have a demanding job and have been underperforming since DS was born since working days are much shorter for me now and I find it hard to work again in the evening after DS is in bed as I'm so tired.

I chose not to co-parent, as while there are advantages (nights off) it's also much more complicated, and a friend who co-parented talked with me about how challenging it can be making complicated life decisions with someone who you barely know. It also ties you to that person. With a donor, the child is yours alone, and you can travel freely, move to wherever you want, and so on.

Most important - as others said, you need to move fast if you want to have a reasonable chance that this will work out for you, and you should assume it may well take multiple rounds of IVF (I started at 40 and it took 4 rounds - and my blood tests had been reasonable for my age). Make sure that you are as well informed as you can be about your chances. Meanwhile, register at an IVF clinic and start the ball rolling ASAP. There are a lot of tests you will need before you get anywhere near starting, and it's better to start getting all of this done now - remember you can always pull out of the process if you want to, but there is no way to go back in time and start earlier - and most of us wish that we had...

Good luck! I hope it works out for you!

Thank you - there are some really thought provoking posts on this thread. It's given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate it.

It’s a huge decision. I did it alone, its great, but hard, I’ve now had my second with my husband, its so much easier with a partner. I personally would still make the same decision, I would have also gone on to have number two if I had remained single. But you also have to be realistic.

A few things to consider, start living on less money now, that means if you do become a parent you have a safety buffer until you go back to work.

Not getting a break is hardwork, evenings can be very lonely as they’re often from 6:30-7pm, you can go days without properly speaking to another adult in the early days.

One of the things I found hard and I actually hadn’t really considered was that I couldn’t really share the joy of my son with anyone, as no one loved him like I did, when he achieved something he only had one person in his corner cheering him on.

Sickness is hard as you take the hit, at one point I nearly lost my job as I was missing so much work when he started nursery.

If you’re ill you just have to get on with it, when my son was small I needed emergency surgery and due to complications I was due to be in hospital about six weeks. A random array of friends took turns to babysit him (none had children of their own) and I had to discharge myself after two weeks.

Breakfast club drop off, after school pick up, homework/club, tea, bath, story, bed all happen after work before you get a single moment to yourself, that takes a huge amount of adjustment.

Please don't do it, you have some mental health issues and even having a child with a partner can break the most resilient of people. Also being afraid of growing old and lonely is not a good enough reason to have a child. From what you're designing it doesn't sound like the best thing for this child at all. Very unfair.

Plenty of people regret having children, they just don't say it. And many, while they may not regret it, had the known what they were in for would have made different choices. Don't do it OP. You will never get to sleep in again, well at least for about 5 or so years. It's HARD.

This is not the same as 'should I climb a mountain' your op is all about you no I do not think deliberately having a child with all this is fair on the child

They may be perfectly happy but may not be so no I do not think that is enough reason to have one, it should be about them not you

I’m so torn on this OP but I really feel for you so just wanted to wish you well in your decision. I’ve been through a lot with my mental health where I’ve had to rely on family to see me through, I’ve also had situations arise with my physical health where I desperately needed help and very luckily had it. Having said that, I know you would try your very best for your child and absolutely idolise him/her. It’s just a really long commitment and in your case I’d consider what would happen to child if I died. That’s terribly morbid I know but I think like that sometimes because my family is abroad so help is more limited.
I’d love to say just go for it though, I actually would, because I couldn’t imagine life without my children and I have friends with infertility issues.
Good luck ♥️

I agree with the above.

I've known enough people who struggle bringing up children on their own because partner has left them. Why choose to do it? Especially when your health is fragile.

Surely there are other, worthwhile, things in which you can pour your energy. You might even meet someone doing that, who knows.

In the nicest way, you don't sound like you are coping very well now, you sound very needy and anxious and I don't think it's fair to bring a child into the world that only has one parent who has MH issues. It sounds like you have some great things going on, so focus on those and maybe get a cat or a dog instead, benefits of company and much less stress.

Agree with this completely. Utterly selfish.

Go it alone

Just make sure you organise childcare support before baby arrives. You will need help in the early days. Then when you return to work.

So make sure you have money and support in place.

I also really struggle with poor sleep. I got lucky and had a child who was sleeping 8+ hours with a couple months without waking, but I developed post natal anxiety and then couldn’t sleep even though she was, which resulted in suicidal ideation. The insomnia persisted for the first 9 months even with access to excellent private care (medication short term alongside therapy for insomnia). I fully recovered and I’m fine, but I do not know what I would have done without DH or my parents.

@LuckyPeonies ’severe autism’ is not on the increase. More people are being diagnosed as autistic due to more awareness, that’s all.

my little one is autistic OP 🥰 and I do think @LuckyPeonies has a point on some level: how would you cope if your child has a disability? Seen or unseen?

i love my little one more than all the universes in the whole world - he’s funny, enthusiastic, active and the happiest person I know. Me and my husband do have to factor in extra support for him though and it can be expensive and you’ve got to really fight for everything they deserve and need.

good luck OP in whatever you decide to do. Parenting is hard (especially with little support from family) but it’s been the best thing I’ll ever do with my life. We fought for so many years to be this lucky and I seriously that God every day that I’m my little one’s mum.

Wanted to add a couple of things I thought of since my last post:

• There are loads of Facebook groups for single mothers by choice. Joining one (preferably one that's relevant to your geographical area) will give you an idea of what kinds of issues are coming up for others, and will also put you in touch with other women who are beginning the journey and thinking through the same issues.

• The general views on Mumsnet are fairly conservative and you will hear lots of judgy opinions about single motherhood, donor-conceived babies etc. In my experience, this is not the case in real life. You need to be confident in your choices, but you will be surprised how much others around you are supportive of your family (at least in my experience).

– And about those choices: on Mumsnet some people seem to think that single parenting requires you to be some kind of superhuman and that you are inherently unacceptably selfish for bringing a child into the world in a single parent household. But looking around at my friends - I honestly don't think the single mothers by choice have a harder time in general than the mothers in partnerships. Like everything, it's more to do with the particular person and their child. Of course there are specific challenges to being single. But it's not difficult in some kind of exponential way. if you read this forum you will also see all kinds of terrible relationship situations - and frankly I think that my personal situation - and my child's situation - is a much better starting point than that of many people who bring children into the world in a weak marriage. I have friends who have brought children into the world (in marriages) knowing that their partner has been physically abusive, knowing that they have mental illness with a strong genetic component, knowing that their financial situation is tough, and all kinds of other situations. Everyone needs to look at their own situation and decide whether it's appropriate for them to become parents. There isn't one factor that decides that.

• Having said all this, one thing that does make a huge difference is finances. While doing the fertility checks you need, also do a serious financial check. Do you have the extra money for all the childcare you will need? Do you have a financial cushion for unexpected expenses? Can your working hours take a hit for (basically) all the baby-toddler-primary years?

Good luck!

Hi op. I’m in awe of single mothers, as I can’t imagine how hard it must be.

from a practical perspective, here are some things about parenting that are probably worth considering:

cover when you’re sick - the first 6weeks post natal are hard as you will be healing, and baby will be up at all hours. Having no one around to get you a drink, fetch nappies, drive you places will be really hard. Same whenever you’re both ill. You can’t just go to bed. Ways to manage this might be getting your mum involved and being super organised with every medicine, food stock piled etc. plus flexible work that understand you need time off last minute.

travel - actually, kids are great travel companions and this will be easier than you think, unless they are poorly.

it will hinder your career progression as you won’t be able to do the overtime etc. once they start school, pick up and drop offs are difficult.

cost - as pp mentioned start reducing your spend now, it’s expensive. Food shop doubled, clothes, shoes, dentist, nursery fees are around £1200 a month. A nanny is more. Wrap around care, holiday clubs, university. I read somewhere that It costs on average £250k to raise a child.

weekends and evenings- if you don’t have close family and friends you will find it lonely and exhausting. But everyone does, even in a relationship. Just know that you will have tough times and not having a second person around will be difficult at times.

relationships - you’re young. You might find a wonderful partner in time to share your life with. Are you prepared to give that up?

if you can handle it, go for it. Being a parent is simultaneously the best and worst thing you will experience, and it’s a long road. That said, many of my single mum friends are doing great and I would have gone down that route if I felt the same as you.

I think the red flag in your post was that you seem to want a kid to avoid growing old alone - it doesn't work like that, the child may grow up and want nothing to do with you (regardless of anything you did/didn't do).

Kids aren't insurance policies, they will be a human with a mind of their own. If you don't want to be alone you need to make friendships, not babies.

Simply giving it this much ( over ) thinking means you will be a good mum. I alway Remember a mum on telly with no arms or legs who supported her self as an artist she raised a lively boy by herself , I know a loving kind mum who sleeps all day and drinks a bottle of vodka ( child is 19) not ideal but has a strong loving intelligent bond with husband and child. So lots of less than idea situations can create well balanced happy kids
You regret the things you don't do

What? A mum who sleeps all day and drinks a bottle of vodka, in other words an alcoholic? And this is your bar?

As someone whose mum did what you’re suggesting, I have mixed feelings. I missed having two parents because if my mum was having a bad day, there was no one else.

It would have been easier for me if my mum had been more sociable. She was shy so didn’t really want to engage with people at baby groups etc and didn’t have many friends, especially with children my age, so it was quite isolating.

A is a solo adopter and she has had to work out of her comfort zone a lot but has made a lot of other parent friends which helped her child. So it is possible, just my mum didn’t do it.

I know a couple of lone parents (lone, not single-and-coparenting - big distinction!) and they’re all glad they have their children and all went into it knowing they’d be doing it 100% alone. Therefore I really think it can work. Obviously it will be hard but no one needs to be told that.

No I wouldn’t- I would rather not be a parent than orchestrate to be a single parent (yes I know shit happens but I wouldn’t plan to
make my life that hard).

I had my children at 41 and 43, conceived naturally snd quickly. I list my husband suddenly when they were small. But he had a very good job and we did not have to stress too much about money, just be careful. This was huge - it meant, though I had to sell our house right away and downsize to one half the size, I could remain at home being a full time parent.
I live my children, but I'm not very maternal. You have had way more experience as a nanny so maybe more clued up. And you can't predict or prepare for every scenario - your child may have a disability, you may have an accident preventing you from working.
I'd get a good support network in place. People you can really rely on. I'd get good life and other insurance. I'd figure out childcare, schooling etc.
I'd decide how far I was willing to go to get pregnant and how much I was willing to spend. I'd decide if I will have tests to determine the baby's health and what I would do if there was an issue.

I think you sound like you'd make a great mum and you've given this a lot more thought than most people do before they procreate. The only thing of concern is the sleep and how your mental health deteriorates with exhaustion, the lack of sleep can be really hard and for the first few months there will be very little. But if you have enough money to hire someone to help that will make a huge difference. I found even an hour during the day made a difference but you may need help for longer than the first few months, my daughter slept very little for the first 12 months and then pretty much over night began to sleep through the night.

I think you'll have more regrets not going for it, from what you've written in your OP in think you'll really enjoy motherhood.

I dont know any but I do know some older women who regretted not having any or that they didnt have more. One lady passed away with no relatives checking on her, was found dead by a postman as he found it suspicious he hadnt seen her a few says after, before death spent decades living just in one room of her house after her husbands death.