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AIBU?

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Original poster

I don't trust DH and I don't know what to do

73 replies

UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 10:24

Hi all,

I'm going to give some background so hopefully it all makes sense and I really want to be told I'm unreasonable as I just wanna get out of this funk I'm in.

DH has always had a problem with porn. I'm not bothered about regular porn as I figured most men do watch it and I can't exactly post on a dating website "no porn watchers" but I do know some men exist who don't watch it so please no "my DH doesn't" in the comments but anyway my problem was he was watching porn on Reddit and other sources where you could message and speak to the people posting the videos and that made me uncomfortable and I told him so but it didn't stop. We've argued about it over the years. The worst one being when I was 1 month PP and the night before my dads funeral when I found out he'd been watching that day when he was suppose to be watching 1 month old DC (but it was okay apparently because he went into the bathroom to do it leaving DS alone asleep in a open room where the cats had access). I was too tired and too upset to even bother so I've turned a blind eye to it since (my fault I suppose) and thought I trusted him. I think for me the worst thing was about it all was he was willing to risk our whole relationship to watch this certain porn and that was the kicker more than the porn really like my feelings didn't really matter as long as he was getting his satisfaction.

He's recently started university and has made friends with a group of people (men and women) ranging from early 20s-30s and they message, hang out at and after university and what not. Fine people are allowed friends but DH came home yesterday saying they've arranged a night out which I said I wasn't really comfortable with because well alcohol, lower judgement etc and honestly if he was willing (and maybe still is) to risk our relationship for porn then what would actually be stopping him for a shag? If you know what I mean plus we have two dc one disabled 2 year old and a 6 month old and I don't want to nurse a hungover DH as well as care for two kids.

Now I know that sounds controlling and he's a grown man and can do whatever he wants and usually I actually wouldn't be bothered if he was going out with his friends but to go with people I don't know, younger girls I don't know I feel really insecure about it and there's no point talking to DH about it as like all he says is "I won't cheat" and that's the end of it, he's going which like I said grown man and can make his own decisions.

So I guess more I'm asking how do I deal with my own insecurities? and am I being totally unreasonable or is the past making me a little bit jaded?

OP posts:
UsernameNotAvailableNow · 22/04/2023 10:27

I think you're right to acknowledge that this is your insecurities that you have to deal with.

You've got two young kids at home which is hard. You need to be pulling together as a family. It sounds like you've both got areas to work on here. You with your insecurities (which do come across as controlling) and him ensuring that he isn't taking the piss.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 10:28

Stop blaming your "insecurities" and start admitting your husband is shit. He doesn't respect you and he doesn't even bother to try and pretend he does. You will never get what you need from that man, and without trust, the marriage is already over.

Notimeforaname · 22/04/2023 10:31

You'll always feel like this because your husband is a liar.

If you wont think about leaving him your only other option is to start accepting this is who he is and this is how your life will be.

It's your choice to stay in it.

He sees no problem so it cant get better.

YouJustDoYou · 22/04/2023 10:33

"The worst one being when I was 1 month PP and the night before my dads funeral when I found out he'd been watching that day when he was suppose to be watching 1 month old DC (but it was okay apparently because he went into the bathroom to do it leaving DS alone asleep in a open room where the cats had access)"

VOMIT

I've known of men who do the same - watching their kids and watching porn at the same time, it's fucking sick and gross, like can you not wank for five fucking minutes? I've seen them watching it on the train, watching it on their phones as passengers in cars with kids in the back (used to weekly coach into London so you can obviously see down into cars as they pass etc), I just don't understand it.

Also, THIS - "You will never get what you need from that man, and without trust, the marriage is already over"

BuffyTheCat · 22/04/2023 10:40

He lies to you and he doesn’t respect you. This isn’t about your insecurity. This is about him being untrustworthy.

On the other hand… I don’t know how old your husband is, but most university age women are not remotely interested in older married men. If he tries it on he’ll almost certainly be dropped by the group immediately. I know there could be exceptions, but it’s really quite unlikely he’d get the opportunity to cheat with a student.

ExtraOnions · 22/04/2023 10:42

Set your bar higher … why are you accepting of being treated like this ? You deserve much much better.

His boundaries around sex are very blurred .. he puts sexual gratification (wanking) before keeping your child safe, before your feelings, before his responsibilities. Next thing it will be flirty texts, drunken nights out, and more loosening of boundaries.

Every-time it goes a bit further … and a bit further … and you’ve accepted it.

Original poster
UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 10:43

BuffyTheCat · 22/04/2023 10:40

He lies to you and he doesn’t respect you. This isn’t about your insecurity. This is about him being untrustworthy.

On the other hand… I don’t know how old your husband is, but most university age women are not remotely interested in older married men. If he tries it on he’ll almost certainly be dropped by the group immediately. I know there could be exceptions, but it’s really quite unlikely he’d get the opportunity to cheat with a student.

He's 30 so whilst he is a mature student he isn't exactly old so not sure if the same rules will apply.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 22/04/2023 10:46

You with your insecurities (which do come across as controlling) and him ensuring that he isn't taking the piss.

You're insecure because there is no security with him ...you've raised the point but he believes it's fine.
So yes you will naturally start moving into the territory of trying to control where he goes because you feel as though you have no control over how and when you will be hurt by him.. so you're tryin to prevent it by controlling what he does.

Please stop.
Unless he changes(and he wont) the only way YOU can deal with these feelings is to get away from him or accept it for what it is. I know what I'd be doing.

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/04/2023 10:50

You don’t have to “deal with your insecurities”. You just have to leave him and raise your standards.

He’s a bad husband, he doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t respect women. It’s not on you to constantly lower your standards to accommodate this.

You would be better off alone.

pandarific · 22/04/2023 11:00

Being VERY practical here, but I wouldn’t be rushing off to be a sole parent to a disabled two year old and a 6 month old - at least not based on what the op has written here.

MN is very very anti porn, so op you’ll get those kind of responses, and they have a point, but… I’d like to know what the rest of the relationship is like? Is he an involved parent, is he a full partner in everything, do you love him, is he a doting dad? Have you asked what he likes so much about watching in the way he does, is it a stress relief thing, a bit of a quick dopamine boost, a bit of (in his mind) harmless fun? Is it a bit of an addiction?

Do you really believe in your gut he is looking to cheat? Because imo porn does not equal wanting to cheat in real life.

ExtraOnions · 22/04/2023 11:02

It’s not about being anti-porn, it’s about respecting your wife & family. Can you watch porn, and respect your wife - absolutely.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 22/04/2023 11:06

Three separate issues.
1.Porn. He won’t stop. He doesn’t care about your feelings.
2.Trust(honestly is he such a hottie that the women in the group will immediately want to shag him? And usually, as said above, university women aren’t interested in old guys, in fact I bet that the older students will gravitate together. My son is a mature student and has very little to do with the youngsters. Going out with friends doesn’t mean an orgy.
3.He’s a pig.

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/04/2023 11:07

@pandarific

MN is very very anti porn, so op you’ll get those kind of responses, and they have a point, but… I’d like to know what the rest of the relationship is like? Is he an involved parent, is he a full partner in everything, do you love him, is he a doting dad?

If he left his infant child unattended to watch porn he by definition is not an "involved parent" or a "doting dad". He's an entitled, misogynistic arse.

I can understand that leaving someone is not trivial when you have two very small children so I can see why the OP might be apprehensive and clearly this will need time and planning.

But why on earth would you be recommending a woman stay longer term with someone like this? The relationship makes her miserable, she is unsupported by him and he doesn't respect her (or women in general). It's not going to get better.

Original poster
UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 11:07

@pandarific this is what I'm trying to balance.

It's not the porn as such but I mean like I said last time we argued he watched it whilst I was at the funeral home and he was watching DC1 at a month old - that didn't feel good to say the least and like I say it's more the putting his own satisfaction above my feelings and the relationship. If he was (and probably still is) willing to risk our whole relationship for a five minute release then what's stopping him from cheating?

I don't know what my guts telling me to be honest.

And I know I come across as controlling in my op but I never stop my husband from doing anything. I just say how it makes me feel so eg I'm a bit uncomfortable with the night out due to x,y,z but I would never stop him.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 11:09

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 22/04/2023 11:06

Three separate issues.
1.Porn. He won’t stop. He doesn’t care about your feelings.
2.Trust(honestly is he such a hottie that the women in the group will immediately want to shag him? And usually, as said above, university women aren’t interested in old guys, in fact I bet that the older students will gravitate together. My son is a mature student and has very little to do with the youngsters. Going out with friends doesn’t mean an orgy.
3.He’s a pig.

The girls aren't youngsters as such. Their ages are between 20 and 30.

DH is 30 so the group is age appropriate if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Iguanainanigloo · 22/04/2023 11:10

ExtraOnions · 22/04/2023 11:02

It’s not about being anti-porn, it’s about respecting your wife & family. Can you watch porn, and respect your wife - absolutely.

This! Watching porn really doesn't dictate what sort of a person someone is. If the porn is the only issue, then I do think these insecurities are yours to try and sort out. If he watches porn, and is also a useless dad, partner, doesn't help practically or financially, is emotionally or physically abusive, or just not very nice, then yes... Leave! But pp suggesting you leave him to become a single mother of two young children (one with disabilities) when no one here knows how much day to day support he gives his wife and family, is frankly wreckless.

Original poster
UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 11:10

I don't know why I'm calling them girls. That's probably adding to the confusion of their ages. I mean women.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 22/04/2023 11:10

@UnknownFutureTomorrow stop telling yourself you are "controlling". That's him speaking not you. It's not controlling to require your partner to respect and support you.

If he can't meet you half way on this its not on you to constantly accommodate shit behaviour. Your reaction to the porn is absolutely correct.

If you were relaxed about it it would be borderline but you're not: you hate it and that's totally fine.

Instead of trying to bring yourself down to his level make plans to take him out of the equation altogether so he no longer impacts on you.

Saltired · 22/04/2023 11:15

pandarific · 22/04/2023 11:00

Being VERY practical here, but I wouldn’t be rushing off to be a sole parent to a disabled two year old and a 6 month old - at least not based on what the op has written here.

MN is very very anti porn, so op you’ll get those kind of responses, and they have a point, but… I’d like to know what the rest of the relationship is like? Is he an involved parent, is he a full partner in everything, do you love him, is he a doting dad? Have you asked what he likes so much about watching in the way he does, is it a stress relief thing, a bit of a quick dopamine boost, a bit of (in his mind) harmless fun? Is it a bit of an addiction?

Do you really believe in your gut he is looking to cheat? Because imo porn does not equal wanting to cheat in real life.

I fully agree. I wouldn’t equate watching porn to cheating, at all.

I do think it is very controlling to not want your partner to go out because you don’t know the people he is with. This will always happen - for example, my partner doesn’t know any of my male work colleagues, and we all go out drinking together semi regularly - and I do actually travel part of the way home with one single male, just the two of us. Again, my partner has no issue with this, even though he has never met my colleague.

Similarly, my partner is actually one of only two men on his team and he goes out drinking with his colleagues and as far as I know, he has never cheated. I can say that with a degree of certainty too.

I can’t speak for the porn issue as it’s not something that would bother me; I don’t view someone watching porn and masturbating in the house with a sleeping baby as any different from a couple having sex in a house with a sleeping baby (which lets face it; everyone does!)

Your own views on porn are valid; as are his. You need to decide if it’s worth divorcing over or not, I guess.

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/04/2023 11:15

@Iguanainanigloo

Where to start with this, blimey:

Watching porn really doesn't dictate what sort of a person someone is.

Some people would argue that it does but let's put that to one side for a minute. If your partner has made it clear they don't like it and you ignore this it does very much dictate it.

If the porn is the only issue, then I do think these insecurities are yours to try and sort out.

Porn is clearly not the only issue. There's a lack of respect and support throughout the relationship of which porn is the most visible tip of the iceberg.

If he watches porn, and is also a useless dad, partner, doesn't help practically or financially, is emotionally or physically abusive, or just not very nice, then yes... Leave! But pp suggesting you leave him to become a single mother of two young children (one with disabilities) when no one here knows how much day to day support he gives his wife and family, is frankly wreckless.

He is a useless dad and partner. He left his infant child unattended to have a wank. Your bar is pretty low if you think this passes muster.

And its reckless, not wreckless.

It's clearly not an easy or a straightforward thing to leave him but remaining with a sexist pig who is likely to cheat and provides no support is not a long-term solution to the OP's happiness.

Original poster
UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 11:19

I can’t speak for the porn issue as it’s not something that would bother me; I don’t view someone watching porn and masturbating in the house with a sleeping baby as any different from a couple having sex in a house with a sleeping baby (which lets face it; everyone does!)

My problem with this was (taking the fact I was at the funeral home for my dad out of the equation) was he left DC asleep unsafe. He was in his Moses basket in the living room with four cats. The cats could have tried to climb in and knock him over, led with him etc. His satisfaction was more important than DC safety and that was the issue.

OP posts:
newnamethanks · 22/04/2023 11:24

You Know What He Is Like. Stop making excuses for him and decide whether he's an acceptable person to share your life with. I doubt anyone on here can make you feel better about him.

Notimeforaname · 22/04/2023 11:25

Listen to what you're saying op. He cant be trusted not to lie and he puts himself above his partner and children.

Do you want to live like this? That's your only question. Until he sees it as a problem and actively wants to do anything you will always feel like this.

Fairislefandango · 22/04/2023 11:27

The language you are using minimises your husband's responsibility and blames yourself.

Saying that your husband has 'a porn problem' makes it sound like it's not his fault. Like something you should sympathise and be understanding about. It's not though. He does it because he wants to. He doesn't care that you object, and he prioritises it even when he's supposed to be looking after his child. There's something so deeply unappealing about men who are so in thrall to their penis. I mean... how many women are too busy wanking to look after their child?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/04/2023 11:41

Well he hasn't lied as far as I can tell in as much as he has told you he watches porn, he tells you what, and when, so no he doesn't lie so no reason not to trust him.
The fact that he carries on doing this knowing it upsets you is a different matter all together and doesn't paint him in a good light at all.**