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Original poster

I don't trust DH and I don't know what to do

73 replies

UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 10:24

Hi all,

I'm going to give some background so hopefully it all makes sense and I really want to be told I'm unreasonable as I just wanna get out of this funk I'm in.

DH has always had a problem with porn. I'm not bothered about regular porn as I figured most men do watch it and I can't exactly post on a dating website "no porn watchers" but I do know some men exist who don't watch it so please no "my DH doesn't" in the comments but anyway my problem was he was watching porn on Reddit and other sources where you could message and speak to the people posting the videos and that made me uncomfortable and I told him so but it didn't stop. We've argued about it over the years. The worst one being when I was 1 month PP and the night before my dads funeral when I found out he'd been watching that day when he was suppose to be watching 1 month old DC (but it was okay apparently because he went into the bathroom to do it leaving DS alone asleep in a open room where the cats had access). I was too tired and too upset to even bother so I've turned a blind eye to it since (my fault I suppose) and thought I trusted him. I think for me the worst thing was about it all was he was willing to risk our whole relationship to watch this certain porn and that was the kicker more than the porn really like my feelings didn't really matter as long as he was getting his satisfaction.

He's recently started university and has made friends with a group of people (men and women) ranging from early 20s-30s and they message, hang out at and after university and what not. Fine people are allowed friends but DH came home yesterday saying they've arranged a night out which I said I wasn't really comfortable with because well alcohol, lower judgement etc and honestly if he was willing (and maybe still is) to risk our relationship for porn then what would actually be stopping him for a shag? If you know what I mean plus we have two dc one disabled 2 year old and a 6 month old and I don't want to nurse a hungover DH as well as care for two kids.

Now I know that sounds controlling and he's a grown man and can do whatever he wants and usually I actually wouldn't be bothered if he was going out with his friends but to go with people I don't know, younger girls I don't know I feel really insecure about it and there's no point talking to DH about it as like all he says is "I won't cheat" and that's the end of it, he's going which like I said grown man and can make his own decisions.

So I guess more I'm asking how do I deal with my own insecurities? and am I being totally unreasonable or is the past making me a little bit jaded?

OP posts:
MsRosley · 22/04/2023 11:45

YouJustDoYou · 22/04/2023 10:33

"The worst one being when I was 1 month PP and the night before my dads funeral when I found out he'd been watching that day when he was suppose to be watching 1 month old DC (but it was okay apparently because he went into the bathroom to do it leaving DS alone asleep in a open room where the cats had access)"

VOMIT

I've known of men who do the same - watching their kids and watching porn at the same time, it's fucking sick and gross, like can you not wank for five fucking minutes? I've seen them watching it on the train, watching it on their phones as passengers in cars with kids in the back (used to weekly coach into London so you can obviously see down into cars as they pass etc), I just don't understand it.

Also, THIS - "You will never get what you need from that man, and without trust, the marriage is already over"

Agree with this. I think the alarm bells going off in your head are well founded, OP. If I were you, I'd heed them.

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 11:46

Two things stand out:

Dh openly prioritises ‘a certain’ kind of porn over you - does that not tell you absolutely everything you need to know?

You are allowed to have boundaries around porn use and anything else. I wouldn’t want to be with a man that watches porn, he knows, respects and agrees with that so we are aligned d on the matter. Many women can’t stand the exploitation of porn and the disgusting way women are objectified and treated. It’s okay to say you are not okay with porn. It’s certainly not controlling.

A porn addiction, and this it, untreated will poison all of his relationships and leave him with erectile dysfunction.

I would issue an ultimatum get some proper treatment or leave. You deserve far far better

Curtains70 · 22/04/2023 11:50

At the end of the day you're never going to trust him and you can't dictate who he socialises with so you need to have a think about if that is something you can live with

Xrays · 22/04/2023 11:52

To be really frank I don’t think he’s grown up yet. You’re the responsible one, the “Mum” and family organiser and he’s mentally about 15. It doesn’t sound like he’s actually ready for a fully committed family life at all. I reckon it wouldn’t take much for him to cheat. Sorry op. I know that sounds awful. You’re never going to be able to trust him; ever.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/04/2023 11:54

It's too late now, but why on earth did you have kids and marry someone who had so little respect for you and your feelings.

You will never trust him, so leave him or suck it up and expect him to have an affair anytime in the future.

GretaGood · 22/04/2023 12:00

How can he afford to go to uni?
There are plenty of young unattached males for the women to pair up with I doubt he is a great catch.
Well I don't think you can stop the porn.
Maybe make some rules about when and where.
4 cats? why with 2 wee ones.

YouAreNotBatman · 22/04/2023 12:00

Watching porn really doesn't dictate what sort of a person someone is.

But it does though.
It’s filled with misogyny, objectification, commodification of women’s and girls bodies.
A lot of it is revenge porn / uploaded without concent.
Much of the porn now has straight up violence.
Women and girls are trafficed and raped.
Drug abuse.

Anyone who watches has to be anti-women, no matter what they want to tell themselves.
It does tell what kind of person you have to be to watch it. And not care.

Original poster
UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 12:03

GretaGood · 22/04/2023 12:00

How can he afford to go to uni?
There are plenty of young unattached males for the women to pair up with I doubt he is a great catch.
Well I don't think you can stop the porn.
Maybe make some rules about when and where.
4 cats? why with 2 wee ones.

The cats were pre children.

The student finance covers quite a bit of bills so that's not an issue. I also work.

Also is 30 suddenly really old and unattractive? Grin

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 22/04/2023 12:40

I think it would be quite unusual for a group of uni friends to not have the odd night out? I think you are overestimating how attractive he might be to this group. IME most people of this age are quite anti porn and would find his vibe quite sleazy.

You say he has a problem with porn but on the face of it it’s you who has the problem with it. So would I but he thinks it’s fine and it’s not (from what you’ve written) illegal. So you either accept it or confront it as a deal breaker.

The truth is that not all men do watch porn.

BuffyTheCat · 22/04/2023 12:47

To a woman of 20, a man of 30 is not an attractive prospect (although, yes, there can be exceptions). He might as well be 70!

I currently know lots of young women in their late teens and early 20s. None of them have boyfriends older than about 26, and they seem quite disgusted at the idea of an age gap of more than about 4 years. I notice it because it’s quite a change from when I was that age, when big age gaps were perceived as more acceptable. But, as always, there can be exceptions. And obviously 30 wouldn’t seem old to a 28 year-old.

Original poster
UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 12:51

BuffyTheCat · 22/04/2023 12:47

To a woman of 20, a man of 30 is not an attractive prospect (although, yes, there can be exceptions). He might as well be 70!

I currently know lots of young women in their late teens and early 20s. None of them have boyfriends older than about 26, and they seem quite disgusted at the idea of an age gap of more than about 4 years. I notice it because it’s quite a change from when I was that age, when big age gaps were perceived as more acceptable. But, as always, there can be exceptions. And obviously 30 wouldn’t seem old to a 28 year-old.

I know what you're saying.

The girls are mostly over 25 as the course seems to be mostly mature studies but I guess really it's not about them. It's about DH and whether I think he'll cheat if he has the opportunity to and that's something I need to deal with and unpick.

OP posts:
Uselesslyuseless · 22/04/2023 12:54

As someone in their early 20s, 30 year olds are not attractive.

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 13:01

UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 12:51

I know what you're saying.

The girls are mostly over 25 as the course seems to be mostly mature studies but I guess really it's not about them. It's about DH and whether I think he'll cheat if he has the opportunity to and that's something I need to deal with and unpick.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t say you are the one that needs to unpick here. Perhaps start with HIM and how he feels about trafficked young girls and women being forced into the sex industry?

For heavens sake op, you are not the one with the issue here, it’s his issue which is now fast becoming toxic for his marriage, life and parenting.

The only question you should be asking is why you are allowing this… seriously.

slowquickstep · 22/04/2023 13:01

He watches porn whilst looking after your baby ! That is a reason right there to throw him out and tell the world why you threw him out. Please have respect for yourself and your children.

pandarific · 22/04/2023 13:04

💐 op, this sounds really tough. Honestly I think you need to attend couples counselling and work out if he’s at all interested in changing his ways. That’s what I’d go with - counselling together to resolve the problems in the marriage - because there are problems! - and then at least you know where you are and whether you should leave or not.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 13:04

my problem was he was watching porn on Reddit and other sources where you could message and speak to the people posting the videos and that made me uncomfortable and I told him so but it didn't stop.

He isn't just watching porn, he's engaging with these women, and that's cheating in my opinion. He is having an inappropriate relationship with other women, and wether it's actually physical or not is irrelevant. The op even told him it made her uncomfortable and he still wouldn't stop. I don't doubt for a second that he would physically cheat on the op. He doesn't care enough about her not to.

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/04/2023 13:08

For heavens sake op, you are not the one with the issue here, it’s his issue which is now fast becoming toxic for his marriage, life and parenting.

Exactly. You need to stop seeing this as your problem. It’s his problem and if he can’t or won’t deal with it you need to leave. Stop tying yourself up in knots about it and take control of the situation.

Original poster
UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 13:17

I think to be honest it's not about the women or whatever

It's about my DH. He's lied to me in the past, he's disregarded my feelings and it's just very sad that I can't be sure whether he'd cheat on me given the opportunity.

That's the problem here and I need to sort of decide what to do with that information.

OP posts:
Littlebluebellwoods · 22/04/2023 13:29

I don’t really agree op that if he watches porn he’s not allowed to go out as it means he will shag someone. You can’t control someone like that. If you don’t like his behaviour and don’t trust him then end it. But you can’t stop him going out. If the only way to keep,your husband faithful is to lock him up then it’s best to end it.

Original poster
UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 13:31

Littlebluebellwoods · 22/04/2023 13:29

I don’t really agree op that if he watches porn he’s not allowed to go out as it means he will shag someone. You can’t control someone like that. If you don’t like his behaviour and don’t trust him then end it. But you can’t stop him going out. If the only way to keep,your husband faithful is to lock him up then it’s best to end it.

That's really not what I said but okay

OP posts:
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 13:32

You can’t trust him because he isn’t trustworthy.

Its as simple as that.
You know this
He knows this

He is not a good man, and he is never going to be. All the hoping and praying isn’t going to change that. He will shaft you again when the opportunity presents itself, all respect for you and your relationship was lost a long time ago.

He has no respect for women whatsoever and I pity your children growing up with such a poor role model. You and they would be better and happier without him. Are you brave enough to choose something better?

Littlebluebellwoods · 22/04/2023 13:33

UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 13:31

That's really not what I said but okay

Show quote history

Not as clearly but it is basically what you said, you don’t want him going out as you think if he drinks he will shag someone.

Original poster
UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 13:36

@Littlebluebellwoods

Again, that's not what I said. Him watching porn doesn't mean he'll cheat and I know that however he's lied in the past, not considered or bothered about my feelings so my apprehension is that if he was given the opportunity to cheat I can't say for certain he wouldn't.

I don't control my DH. I've never stopped him going out or doing what he wants to do. I've told him my feelings about things and that's it.

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 22/04/2023 13:54

UnknownFutureTomorrow · 22/04/2023 11:19

I can’t speak for the porn issue as it’s not something that would bother me; I don’t view someone watching porn and masturbating in the house with a sleeping baby as any different from a couple having sex in a house with a sleeping baby (which lets face it; everyone does!)

My problem with this was (taking the fact I was at the funeral home for my dad out of the equation) was he left DC asleep unsafe. He was in his Moses basket in the living room with four cats. The cats could have tried to climb in and knock him over, led with him etc. His satisfaction was more important than DC safety and that was the issue.

How did you find out he did this? Did he tell you?

Breakfastofmilk · 22/04/2023 13:57

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 13:04

my problem was he was watching porn on Reddit and other sources where you could message and speak to the people posting the videos and that made me uncomfortable and I told him so but it didn't stop.

He isn't just watching porn, he's engaging with these women, and that's cheating in my opinion. He is having an inappropriate relationship with other women, and wether it's actually physical or not is irrelevant. The op even told him it made her uncomfortable and he still wouldn't stop. I don't doubt for a second that he would physically cheat on the op. He doesn't care enough about her not to.

100% this. He isn't messaging to say "Nice video, how is the weather in your part of the world today?" He's engaging in sexually explicit conversations with people he's also watched having sex. That is cheating in my book and I think it would be for most people.

OP has made clear it crosses a boundary for her and he carried on doing it, even at a time he should have been supporting her and worried about her (losing her father and 1 month post partum). He either has a serious addiction or he doesn't care about OP and their relationship at all.